#afternoon reflection

Afternoon Moment This reflection comes from one of the most beloved devotional works ever written, My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. For over a century, millions of believers have drawn strength and clarity from these timeless meditations. Like many, I have often found that a few simple lines from Chambers can reorient the entire heart toward Christ. His words remind us that faith…

However, the fact that I was fired, and abruptly so (despite my suspicions of this as a distinct possibility when I went to work today), still makes me stop and reflect on my current situation.

I have no doubt that I had a lot to play in the role of my losing my job, as I am rarely ever able to sustain employment for very long, which doesn’t interest me philosophically. And as such, rather than having the usual feelings of mortification, regret, anxiety, that accompanies such events as losing ones job, I simply accepted the role I had to play in my work no longer feeling like I am the right person for this job, assumed that I must’ve been acting out in a certain way because a voice inside my heart is telling me--- that this is not true to me anymore. And thus, the feeling that I find floating to the surface the most from this incident is-- pride. The me from two years ago at this this time, could never even fathom where I am in my life now. I had --hoped-- that I would be where I am, but never could I have imagined the exhilaration, the adventure, and all the thrills of these past two years. Three burns, incredible sights and sounds and beauty and people. The ease I feel while in my own body of living out my truth, and the joy of every day, participating in the creation of our big huge global scale collective narrative. 

As Neil Gaiman quotes in his most epic, life lesson giving speech: 

“I knew that as long as I kept walking towards the mountain I would be all right. And when I truly was not sure what to do, I could stop, and think about whether it was taking me towards or away from the mountain...I tended to do anything as long as it felt like an adventure, and to stop when it felt like work, which meant that life did not feel like work.”

Despite my not having a job, the point that I am sitting at now--- is this gorgeous foundation I created from scratch independently of my parents. It was created through joint forces with like minded, life loving, fantastically present minded,  every day inspired friends. I sit protected, in a spot where I can stare in wonder as marvellous chance encounters pass by, and I can be at ease in my body, be bolstered and supported in my quest for creation, and I can contribute, I can appreciate. And I am safe. And growing. And I am walking one foot in front of the other, gracefully, towards my mountain of peace and creation-- without ever knowing what each new day will bring. 

Big, big, bigger than my body and still inflating. 

5ft 7in, (tallest in my immediate family), clothing size fluctuates between a small/medium depending on the item, shoe size 9 (8 for converse), 5 finger forehead.

Trying to keep a consistent haircut without emptying my wallet. Consistency is tough when I have an "egg head"

Technical minded (striving to be an engineering major), although I might not be the best at it.

My handwriting isn't that great and artistic skills are in the toilet. In drawing, the best I can do are stick figures, simple 2D shapes to make objects, and the occasional 3D vector or FBD. I'm an ok actor and if I tried I could be a decent dancer. I sing only when I'm alone and bored.

Hobbies? Idk, I'm kind of a kid. I still watch shows people think are childish, I love cotton candy ice cream, and I'm a sucker for chewy candy. On the adult spectrum, I like biking (haven't done anything long distance, just around the university campus), mastering the art of tying ties, and dressing classy on a low budget lol

I like to ponder on my thoughts. Kind of given since I use my Tumblr, yeah?

I can eat a lot and I'm not too picky when it comes to tasting new foods. Although, there are some things I just can't shake off being picky about. To list a few: OnionsBellpeppersOkra and sometimes that generic slice of sheet cake.

People call me "social", but I still have the mind set of being shy.

I'm still nervous when I make phone calls that I can't foresee having a definite ending within 1:30min. Unless it's family.

I'm nervous to speak with adults of higher standing in fear of being crucially judged which also means I'm horrible at professional networking.

I like to check up on people I care about or want to get to know more. I see it as a way to start a conversation and an opportunity to learn more about people.

I learned that last bullet only in the past year or two.

I sleep pretty heavy, I have a fan page for it lol (didn't create it myself!). Honestly, it scares me a bit because I feel like I have a sleeping problem since I can't wake up "normally" and when I need to.

I'm not super fit. Ok, I guess I'm slightly fit working out with ROTC but I'm not at the level I should be as a midshipman and, unfortunately, far from the level my dad wants his idealistic son to be.

Navy ROTC scares me a little bit. In two years peoples lives are in my hands.

I have a musical flavor that I can't describe in a few words. I shazam random tracks i hear through the day and I love getting input/recommendations from others about new music.

When I go shopping, I usually over analyze the situation and get choked up by price, functionality. and need. So, I don't usually buy stuff often even though I want to. My mom knows that so she usually ends up getting stuff for me.

I trust my sister the most out of anyone else in this world. It's not everything in my life, but a large chunk of it. My parents on the other hand... no so much. I have this irrational fear since childhood that they'll share whatever I unload on to them into the Filipino Gossip.

I had an "ok" relationship past. Yes the 2.5 years was amazing. Yes we both impacted each others' lives. Yes, I messed up. Yes, she messed up. But I feel I guilt about it more since I feel my mess up was worse. I refuse to call her my ex to this day. (The word ex feels degrading, no? Or is it just me?)

Going from that, I'm a little scared to jump back into the dating game, even 9 months later. I'm not searching (desperately) or anything. I've definitely had my eye on people, but I don't know where I stand with any of them (yet) besides friends. I've just been spending the past 9 months trying to make myself a better, more well-rounded person I would want to get to know if looking from the outside.

Mainly I'm scared because I'm hoping for someone who will be willing to stick it out, despite the distance, and stay faithful. I'll be a sailor after all and it's a tough commitment. My hope is tarnished a little bit more when I hear people say "OMG I can't do long distance, I NEED attention!" Especially since attention is one of the factors I believe killed my last relationship.

I try to find happiness in little victories, self improvements, and friendly connections to keep my head above water.

I'm a firm believer that significant others don't bring the overwhelming source of happiness people strive for. Ok this is probably coming out wrong... Relationships bring happiness, yes, but they don't bring the happiness that will solve all of your problems.

I've never been a hearthrob. Ever. Recently hearing how people are crushing over me and even being jealous of me (from an outside source who will remain anon) gives me a weird mix of emotions. I don't want to lead anyone on from just being nice. I don't want to step on any toes or create drama/disputes. Should I tone back how I interact with others just to avoid all of this? It's hard for me to be flattered with those thoughts running around and because...

I'm really bad at receiving compliments. I don't want to come off as self conceived to others and I feel gratitude is something I never was exposed to. Growing up it was always 'excelling is normal, average is unacceptable' since my dad used to always break out his "back in the Philippines" stories.

I truly just do "me" because I want the best for others. I enjoy the thought of knowing I improved someone's life simply through something I've done. Big or small.

I internalize. A lot. I claim I have a "bottomless bottle" inside myself where I store thoughts and feelings, but since it's bottomless it doesn't burst. If I'm willing to spill information to you then you must be special in my mind in some way.

Contradictory to that, the bottom is starting to grow back.. meaning I'm more willing to share my thoughts. Last sentence in the last bullet still stands, strongly. Maybe this a step in a positive direction.

Hm that was a nice trip down the self reflection dissection direction. I encourage you (whoever takes the time to fully read this, if there is anyone out there) to do the same. It's a safe way to let people who are too intimidated to ask know more about you. It can start conversation with a potential friend or someone who could be of special interest.