#after the madness...

What had happened? Jiyong wondered to himself when he returned to his senses. He was alone in his house, his girlfriend had gone who knows when, and he was staring at the window he had broken in that moment of madness. He was so confused, so confused. Something inside him had been shaken and yeah, he was feeling like the girl in the TV was right: he needed to open his eyes... But open his eyes to what? He really didn't know. He stood there -one leg spread on the floor, the other bent to sustain one of his arms- till when he decided to go to the bathroom. He stood up slowly, feeling tired for reasons he couldn't understand, and walked along the corridor. Once inside the bathroom he immediately washed his face with cold water and leaned over the wash-stand. His mind was full of thought, images... And the voice of the woman in the tv was still obsessing him. He watched himself in the mirror and only then he noticed how his eyes were now  gold. His eyelids opened wide in shock just before he began to scream and to pull his hair; tears of exasperation and fear started to fall on his cheeks. He sat down on the border of the bathtub keeping his head between his hands. He tried to convince himself that that was only an hallucination, that was just a trick of him mind. Minutes after minutes in when he lulled himself in to calmness, his breathe slowed and finally was able to stand up. He tried to look again in the mirror: his eyes searched their reflections and he could see that his irises were brown again as they always had been. He sigh in relief while he was searching for an answer for that madness: maybe all that was just the consequence of all the stress he had accumulated or maybe someone had put some drugs in his water and food, perhaps even his girlfriend. He really should leave her, he thought. He went out of the bathroom and back to his bedroom. He scanned the room finally noticing how it was like a hurricane had passed in there: the bed sheets were on the floor as also most of the ornaments which were previously ordered on the pieces of furniture, the lamps were all broken… Jiyong looked at that disaster with bewilderment. He couldn’t stay there anymore. Probably the neighbors had heard what had happened and had called the police so he collected rapidly some of his things in a bag, took his phone, his wallet and keys (just in case) and went out slamming the door shut. He had enough money to stay in a motel somewhere for a night then he would have decided what to do after. In that moment his only thought was to escape from that madness. When he walked out of the building and turned to the left, he saw on the sidewalk the pieces of his window and the remains of his retro television, illuminated by the street lights. At that sigh he remained paralyzed: was really him the one who have done all that? He couldn't believe it. Suddenly he heard some steps nearing to him and so he began running away. He needed to stay away from there and to forget about all that at least for a bit. He ran and after some streets he strangely found himself in his old neighborhood where he used to live some years before, as if his feet had guided him there of their own will. Jiyong slowed down and began to look at the palaces around him: a whirlwind of memories flooded through his mind, reporting him to a happy life that wasn’t his anymore. He recognized all the places he used to frequent, even the bar where he met his ex. How he used to be happy with him… Back then he really thought they would have spent the life together while, in reality, his boyfriend wasn’t exactly of the same idea as him. He looked up to the bar sign where the write "Angels' Bar" flashed in a blue neon light and only then he saw a strange symbol on it: it was like a stylized draw of a bull, a rhombus with two horns. That made Jiyong feel strange: he remembered every detail of that streets and he was sure it wasn’t there before. However he hadn’t passed there in ages so soon after the initial strangeness he just thought that maybe the bar has a new owners who had added it. He looks at the sign a little before continuing walking. After some minutes, he saw another local where he and his friends used to go for special occasions. Again on the sign the same symbol of before showed itself. Was it possible that the owners of the bar had bought also that place and put that symbol again on the sign? He didn't know why but he was feeling like something was missing. Jiyong walked a little more to where he knew there was an old, cheap motel and, at one point, he passed in front of his ex-building. He looked up at what was the window of his bedroom and then he looked down at the antiquity shop that was of his mother. It was abandoned since his mother's death five years before but, looking through the windows, the interior seemed to be the same except for the dust that was covering everything, with the few light of the street lamps to illuminate it. His eyes then fell upon the wooden door of the entrance. Was he going crazy? The same symbol was on it and he was sure it had never been there before. It was like that strange drawing was part of the door itself, made of a different type of wood; it wasn't engraved in it and it hadn't been drawn on it so it was impossible that someone had made it while he wasn't there. When he neared to the door, his sight went black for a moment and a little flash came to his mind: it was an old memory, his hands were so little that probably he was about five, six years old, he was drawing something on a paper with a red crayon. And it was exactly that symbol. Jiyong didn't have memories of that period of his life because, as his mother said him, he had an accident when he was fourteen, leaving him without any recollections from the past. That flash was a total surprise for him. Soon after, he remembered of having that piece of paper in his home, somewhere in his wardrobe. But what was that? Why was he seeing it everywhere now? He shook his head, feeling tired again all of sudden. It was two in the morning and the streets were empty. That neighborhood wasn't so popular or at least it wasn't anymore among the "good people". A sudden rush caught him, a shudder ran through his back and, just as he got there, he walked quickly to the motel. -Seunghyun! Seunghyun!- He was awakened by someone calling his name, a female voice, and from something warm shaking his shoulder. He opened slowly his eyes, and his vision was immediately filled with the morning light that was irradiating through the windows. It took him some time to readjust to the light while all his sense began to wake up. He then could notice how his head was spinning and heavy and how his entire body felt like shit. -Seunghyun!- The voice called him again. He turned his face toward the voice and finally it acquired a face: it was her girlfriend that was trying to wake him up. -Uhm- He moaned then, trying to sit up. He shook an arm in the air, searching for help as his body seamed not to respond at his command. He felt her hand grabbing his and helping him  lifting up. -You have been drunk and high again, right?!- She snorted. Seunghyun rubbed his eyes and finally looked around: he was in his bed, covered with the sheets, the windows were now opened, and his girlfriend was sitting next to him on the mattress. She ruffled his hair sweetly. -My poor baby.- He look at her with vacuous eyes: she was beautiful as always, with her big expressive eyes and long brown hair. He fixed his sight on her full, red lips. She smiled at that innocent and puppy face and she leaned over to kiss him. The kiss was sweet, just a delicate touch of lips, and he felt like he needed it more than anything else in that moment. She circled his shoulders with her arms, nearing him to her. When they broke the kiss, Seunghyun leaned his head on her chest, basking himself in its softness. She began to stroke his hair and back gently, following the rhythm of her calm heartbeat. He was relaxing against her, feeling sleepy again. -Do you want some water and an aspirin, dear?- she asked him, at some point, and he nodded in response. She kissed his head and with a peck on his shoulder she stood up and walked towards the kitchen. Seunghyun stood there, feeling strangely cold now that no one was touching him. It was always like this: every time he was passing through hangover he was extremely needy and he felt like a baby all over again. He fixed his eyes on the point where his girlfriend disappeared and where she, after some moments, reappeared with a glass full of water and the medicines. She sat down in the same spot of before, took out a pill and immersed it in the transparent liquid. Then she passed the glass to him. -Come on, drink.- she said with her sweet voice that caressed his ears like a velvet cloth. He let the water descend in his throat in one gulp, feeling relieved almost immediately. His girlfriend took the glass, put it on the night stand and opened her arms to him to lean again on her. Seunghyun took right away her offer, hiding his face in her neck. He let her sweet perfume invade his nostrils giving him a sense of assurance. He circled her waist with his arm, pressing her more against his chest. She felt so warm and soft… Everything felt so good, just like home. She felt like home. Seunghyun was so happy with her that he really thought they would have spent their entire life together; but then his hallucinations where always around the corner, making him feel uncomfortable and like he was going crazy. He hated them: he didn’t know why so suddenly he began to experience them, why he began to see people, especially his girlfriend, like horrendous monsters. They were the motive because he began to use drugs, because of which he was always drunk and high: he wanted to forget them, to not see them anymore… Every time the treatment seamed to function but then the effects began to faded and his brain returned to make fun of him. After about an hour of cuddling, in fact, the hangover was disappearing, his senses were still muffled but he just began to feel somehow sober. His girlfriend brought to him another glass of water and only after it he decided to stood out of bed. He followed her in the kitchen, he leaned on the jamb of the door, crossing his arms and began to watch her preparing the lunch, smiling happily. And it was in that moment, when she turned toward him returning his smile, that another hallucination had the upper hand: her beautiful face transformed in the one of a scary red being, her beautiful brown hair were now black and coarse, on her forehead there were two big black horns similar to the one of an aries, her eyes were yellow, bloodshot, her nose was enormous and her lips were now purple and from them stood out two long dark fangs; all around it there was a dark aura. The monster was smiling at him too but like it was going to murder him in a matter of seconds. Seunghyun opened his eyes wide, feeling anxious and scared over the limits. He then screamed, falling down on his knees on the parquet and grabbing his hair tight. His girlfriend at that sudden reaction left everything on the table and run to him, kneeling down and trying to comfort him somehow. Seungri was took by force by the guards, lift by his arms and dragged back to his cell after the treatment was over. They threw him on the grey, dirty floor, closing right after the door with a loud thud. He was exhausted and lost, his eyes were staring blankly into space and his mind felt as if it was in a bubble. He stood motionless, lying on the cement, for he didn't know how much time until he managed, even with the straitjacket still on, to sit and curling up in a corner of the small room, his thighs pressed to his chest, and began to rock back and forth. He was so confuse: in his mind was a whirl of thoughts, memories and images from different moments of his life even of his childhood that normally he couldn’t remember. He closed his eyes, burying his face in his knees and then he saw the round face of a beautiful young woman that was smiling at him. Her hair were black, her eyes were yellow and their shape was the same as his. She was looking at him with so much love that some tears began to form between his lashes. His little hand of when he was only four was in her soft and warm ones. -Mom.- he said softly; the tears were already falling along his cheeks. The memory faded right after in the image of a little brown-haired woman in the kitchen of his previous house, cooking some biscuits. Her black eyes fixed in his as she smiled and called his name in a sweet tone. -Mom- he repeated, shaking his head between his knees. Then his thoughts returned to what had happened  a little while back: the little woman became the blond girl with the camera, that moment of happiness left the place to one of anxiety and fear. He remembered her multiplying herself and then returning one and the feeling of craziness he felt at that sight. That made him think that he really was crazy, that everything his was seeing now -the demons, the vampires, the beautiful shiny auras around some people- was just the fruit of his insane imagination. Also before when, watching the girl in the white room, he saw her face transforming in a purple one, he saw her copies all around him, he thought that that was just an hallucination. In that moment but also now all those doubts were overcrowding his mind. -I’m crazy- he said to himself. But the moment after the beautiful young woman returned in his mind but in a different image where she was planting some flowers in a garden with other two kids and so a bit of lucidity came back to him. -I’m not crazy- he said, in fact, right after. -I’m not crazy. I’m not crazy.- He rocked back and forth a little bit faster, trying to convince himself that what he was saying and thinking was right. And it was: he knew in the bottom of his rational self that he wasn’t crazy, that he wasn’t seeing things, that the blond woman wasn't just a beautiful woman taking strange photographs of some unstable people but that she was a demon and she was playing with his mind trying to make him think that he was mad… But in that state he wasn’t completely able to grab that thoughts, to anchor himself to them and to comfort himself in them. Seungri stood there for an hour, alternating moments of confusion and moments of brief lucidity, still rocking, till two men, other guards, came and injected him some other drugs in the veins. He instinctively tried to resist to them but they were stronger than his will as always and took control of him making him pass out on the cold cement. Youngbae finally reached the restaurant where he was before that renegade showed herself disturbing his pause. He entered again in the local, took another coffee and sat at one of the table that where along the big windows facing the street. While sipping the black hot liquid, feeling his nerve relaxing a bit already, he looked outside and sighed: that day had begun in the wrong way since the beginning; he should have known that something bad would have happened like it did. He was forced to wake up by the sudden alarm that had started ringing at the Institute at six in the morning and by people running up and down through the corridors shouting loudly of demons and attacks. He had got out of bed unwillingly, throwing the sheets aside with frustration before standing up, going to the bathroom, taking a shower and washing his teeth. He then had returned in the bedroom, worn his combat cloths and had begun to head toward the armory. Along the way, just when he was going to enter the big, white room full of arms, Dongwook had shown himself from nowhere and said to him that he wasn’t supposed to participate to the mission. Hearing that he had really had the instinct of killing him and destroying that stupid alarm. He wasn’t a person that loses his calm so easily but he couldn’t bear the idea of losing hours of good rest for nothing. He had took a long breath then, calming himself to not hurt his friend unnecessarily. Dongwook had raised his hands to his chest. -I’m sorry.- he had said, smiling at him. -You can return to sleep if you want.- Youngbae had look at him with the corner of his eyes before heading back to his bedroom, giving the back to the older. -You know I can’t fall asleep with all this chaos.- Dongwook had joined him a moment later. -So? You’re going to the gym, right?- Youngbae had gave him a look and had continued walking. -Can I join you?- -If you insist.- After that short conversation he had reached his bedroom and had changed his cloths in a gym suit while the older had done the same. They had reencountered in the gym some moments after and had had some combat practice together till it was noon. They had lunch in the kitchen of the institute and right before they would have eat their dessert, Dongwook had been called to help in a capture, leaving him alone. Dongwook was the only friends from his childhood left, the only one with he could have that special bond to the past. When he was alone, he felt like all those memories were too heavy just for him... After lunch he too was called to help with a demon. He had headed toward the abandoned palace his superiors had told him and arrived just in time to kill that monster a moment before it would have done the same with one of his colleagues. When the situation had been calm again he had noticed the suitcase the demon was trying to protect. Youngbae had took it then and opened it. Inside was a necklace with a golden heart-shaped pendant with a purple stone set in it. He had been so shocked to see that jewel there: it was of his mother and was a very powerful arm that should have been locked somewhere sicure at Idris. He had locked the suitcase immediately after seeing the content and headed out of the palace taking it with him. Before returning at the institute, anyway, he took himself some time to reflect, driving some miles out of Los Angeles, toward the desert. Lot of questions were crowding his mind: how could have been possible that his mother's necklace was there? Who had been able to steal it? And for what purpose? That event meant danger again? Along the road he had noticed the restaurant he was now in and had entered to take something to drink. He was secure no one would have disturbed him and tried to still the suitcase there but then the renegade showed up. He has been unwary, overwhelmed by all those questions and the feelings toward that object... He should have known... And now he was alone again, with no car and tired for the two hours of walking under the burning sun, waiting for Dongwook to come pick him up. He had called him along the road and, like always, the older had remarked his impossibility of staying out of trouble without him. -Seam troubles find you easily when I'm not with you.- At that voice, Youngbae turned to the left just to see the men he was waiting smiling with his wry smile at him. -Shut up. You have just said it on the phone.- he said only, before standing up and following the older to the car. -What is it?- asked Dongwook, noticing the suitcase once they were alone. -It's the suitcase that the demon I killed today was protecting.- the younger answered, looking down at the object between his hands thoughtfully. The other shadowhunter noticed his expression. -What's inside?- Youngbae lifted up his gaze, setting his eyes on the elder. -It’s my mother necklace.- Daesung somehow managed to come back home that night. He didn’t even know how but wondering through the roads he had found himself in a part of the city he knew and finally had founds his way to his house. Just the moment he stepped inside he headed to the bathroom and took a shower. He changed his clothes then and took a beer in the fridge. Daesung sat down on the couch sipping his drink, finally relaxing after all that madness he had been involved in that night. He took a long breath and stretched his legs along the cushions. His eyes fell upon a photo that was on one of his shelves: it was a photo of him family, his true family, when he was ten. In there there were him with his parents, his uncles and his two cousins and another couple, friend of his family, with their three kids. They had grown together till… Between them there was what his real mother has said to be his soulmate. He remember him: black hair long till his shoulders, green and luminous eyes and a smile so bright that could have deleted every problem by just staring at it. The last time he saw him they were thirteen and fourteen and they have made a ceremony to became parabatai, just before their families disbanded. It had promised himself, after that, after also his adoptive mother had died, that he would have find all them and reunite the families. He just had to find the Institute. His true father had promised that his adoptive mother would have took him there when he would have been eighteen but she died before she could do that or say where it was. He had searched everywhere in Los Angeles and hadn’t find it anywhere. But he wasn’t  a person that lose his faith and he had a promise to himself to keep. When he finished the beer he decided to go to bed to rest a bit before resuming his search in the morning. Daesung woke some hours later, when the sun was already up in the sky and was filtering through his windows. It was noon so he eat and went out for his research. The plan for that day was to go to the opposite part of the city he was living in. He wasn’t so sure that the Institute was there because he thought his parents lived not far from it and his old house was just a few road from his actual apartment.. But in all those years he had searched everywhere around his neighborhood and had never found anything. He took his car and headed to the south, arriving there in the afternoon. He parked somewhere in a supermarket parking and started walking along the streets. They weren’t so crowded how they were where he was living and he found it a detail very welcomed as it permitted him to search with a certain calmness. It was looking for an old and abandoned church, a place where the mundanes would have not entered in, or at least it was the idea of the Institute he had made himself while listening to his true mother talking when he was little. Where he was in that moment was a fairly modern district so he decided to head towards the suburbs. He encountered a lot of churches while walking but none proved to be the Institute; his eyes couldn’t see it anywhere. Tired of being under the sun for so long, he stopped at a bar to take a drink and, while he was sipping his cold tea, he caught a glimpse of light passing along the sidewalk out of the local. Something in him woke up after years and told him to go to follow that light. He hurriedly paid and run outside: what he saw before was no where to be found but that little something, a strange little voice in his head, told him to turn to left. And so he did. It was the first time that he was feeling this way. He couldn’t even describe what or how it was, he only knew that for the first he seamed really to know what he was doing. He followed his instinct and some streets later it took him in the ex industrial part of the city, where the abandoned warehouses abounded. It was in that moment that, among the buildings that were falling apart, he noticed a huge Baroque church which stood bright with its large colorful windows and pinnacles. He headed toward it, finding himself in front of it seconds later. It was so beautiful and he knew it was it: it was the Institute. He couldn't believe that after all those year he had really found it, he couldn't believe it was really there, before his eyes. The church was surrounded by a sturdy tall iron railing, which gate was closed by a padlock. Daesung looked at it, wondering how he could enter. He neared to the metal bars but when he tried to touch them his hand passed through them. He withdrew it and looked at it in owe. He tried again to touch the bars but one more time he wasn't able to do so. It was a strange thing but he should have expected something like that from that place. He then walked to the gate and closed his eyes the moment he crossed it. When he reopened them, the railing was behind him and he was in the garden before the church. He walked down the walkway and climbed the stairs until he reached the big front door which gave access to the Institute. He looked up at it while he touched it with his palms. The shutter opened creaking, letting him in. Daesung then found himself in a big empty atrium illuminated only by two torches on the two sides of the room. The floor and the walls were of stone and the beat of his heels on the hard surface echoed between the walls as he crossed the room. He entered in another room, after passing through another door, that instead was furnished with modern furniture and was all white. Suddenly he heard some steps descending the stairs at the end of the room, so he hide behind one of the couch that were there. The steps neared more and more until they were stepping on the white floor where he too was on. He looked up a bit, to see who was the person walking by and so he saw him: the hair were shorter from the last time they met and were brown instead of black, he was taller but his face haven’t changed in all those years. Daesung’s heart skipped a beat at that sight and his eyes began to sparkle for all the emotions he was feeling. He was… He stood up, coming out from his hiding place. -Youngbae!- he shouted. The other, hearing being called, turned toward the voice. Daesung so met his eyes that were bright green as he remembered them and tears began to fall on his cheeks: for the first time in fourteen years he finally felt at home.