#adulthood problems

This feels weird. Haven’t been here for a while..apparently this account is going to be turned into my one and only friend, a diary, the fragments of the story on “How I ruined my perfect life”

First things first, an explanation on how it’s going to work and where the idea came from.

My friend group started fading away as we started growing up and one of them (Let’s name her Nadia for the sake of privacy) So Nadia came up with an idea to send updates during the day, every day in our groupchat either photos of what we’re doing in the given moments, voice messages if something major happened or just small texts.

Genius Idea, let me tell you that. Worked perfectly, everyone was included, however lately I feel like I lost my connection there as well and I feel more comfortable sharing those updates on this blog to complete strangers than to my best friends, and that’s on the first topic on how I ruined my perfect life.

Stay tuned and I’ll try to just stay here

In general

Just here or anywhere

If there is no contact, then so be it, as per your will. I surrender.

And you know what? I don't care. Let this illness—my illness—progress and take me away from this world where I was rejected by the love of my life. Where I was treated like trash by the person I loved and devoted myself to the most.

You're acting like a teenager, wanting your wife to be a porn star? No one is perfectly put together all day. Not even you. I think you need to take a look at yourself; I don’t know what’s gone to your head, but it’s gone wrong.

Maybe it’s the alcoholism—remember how Mom was? Shouting to the world about how I envied her for making money?

I wish you could see how ridiculous you look playing this part. Even our friends don't recognize you anymore.

You want me to stop studying to work, just because our plans don’t align? You say it with a superiority that disgusts me. I could say the same to you; you could be improving yourself, studying as well, becoming a professional with real weight on your resume. But no, right? Apparently, I’m the one without ideals, using every possible resource to stand out in the job market.

Also, you encouraged me to leave my job and chase my dreams. Was it all part of a plan? Some twisted scheme to make me end things? And now that it didn’t work, you throw it back in my face like this?

Wake up, please. Rethink your words. This can’t be real.

You can't demand something you don't offer, you understand? And even though you demanded what you didn't give, I still offered it to you, and you were ungrateful.

Time passed, and my second heartbreak was at 12, with my first virtual girlfriend. She had a very tough life, and I spent my days thinking about how I could save her from it. But then, one of her friends joined up with a girl who didn’t like me, and they created a rumor that I was cheating on her and that she was cheating on me, and everything dissolved in unresolved anger.

My third heartbreak was with a 20-year-old guy, a friend of my brother, who dated me when I was 13. He used my allowance to buy pizzas but wouldn’t let me eat, calling me fat. Besides that, he’d lock himself in with his female friend because I wouldn’t give him consent. The end was when he abused me.

My last romantic heartbreak was shattered by the love of my life, who dated me from ages 14 to 25, became my fiancé, and, knowing all my history, one fine day decided that I no longer deserved his affection.

Look, he still says he loves me, but he’s incapable of showing affection. He keeps up this twisted speech even though he knows all my tragic stories and more beyond them. He made me revisit every trauma, both familial and romantic, only to now wish for me to be happy.

He took my home, my dog, and my guinea pigs, just like the first one did with te betyboop doll. He let a misunderstanding spread into hatred, just like the second one did. And finally, like the third, he filled me with flaws and constantly demanded sex in a pushy, invasive way.

Now he sends me a message saying, 'How have you been feeling far from my existence? I’d like to meet up with you to talk.' As if he’s making fun of me, mocking me. What does he mean by 'far from his existence'? He pushed me away to live out his late adolescence.

He was cruel to me for months, secretly hoping I’d get tired of being mistreated and do what he didn’t have the courage to do. But my heart could never do to him what his was brave enough to do to me.

And what does he want now? I haven’t slept in three days, I’m dehydrated from crying so much, having to live with my dad because he took me out of my home. He destroyed me, and now he wants to pity me? Does he want to demand something from me?

The only thing I ever did was love you, and you’re incapable of seeing that. Isn’t it strange that your family, my family, and our friends are more on my side than yours? No one understands the way you've acted. You were never like this before.

And the worst part is, I don’t know if, after seeing how cruel you could be, I’d even want to go back. And I don’t know how to rebuild my life without you.

And I can only think of the comfort I’d feel if I could just give up on everything. Disappear and leave your path clear. Vanish, and not have to deal with all the rotten fruits that will fall from this tree you decided to cut down.