#adtp

There is a new program in town.  So new, that there is actually very little information on it, so I figure considering my daughter has been one of the 12 kids currently accepted in to the program, I will write about it and let people know.

YCSP - Youth Community Support Program.  This is a program specifically made for kids in the system that need prolonged care, and haven't had success being stabilized at any other program.

First, you start with assessments at ACH - Alberta Children's hospital.  After that, if you haven't stabilized and qualify, you can  potentially go towards ADTP - Adolescent Day Treatment Program.  This is a 3-4 month program aimed at helping kids 13 - 18 transition with support from a hospital situation to real life.  There are Board of Education teachers, and it runs the same way a school does except there are interactive therapy groups, private therapy, and psychiatrists.  There's also a nursing staff.  Kids are drug checked regularly, and there's a cook that makes breakfast and lunch for everyone there.  It fits 14 kids at a time, and generally doesn't run during the summer months - at least kids don't attend there during that time, but sometimes there is still private counseling available.  There is also the Eating Disorder Program that may be a good choice for some, but you can't attend both ADTP and the EDP - you have to choose one.

Previously, if all of these programs don't work, your child might just end up back at ACH, and then the process would start again.  Now, there is the new program.  12 kids can attend this program - 6 beds for those who aren't ready to stay at home yet, and 6 part time spots for kids who need regular weekly support.

We have been in the system for a full 8 months now.  First ACH, then an assessment for the Eating Disorder Program.  We ended up going to ADTP, and yesterday, we had our intake appointment for YCSP.  It took about 90 minutes to fill out forms, go through legal jargin, and learn what we needed to get started.

I guess I should be thrilled that my daughter has been one of the first accepted in to this program, and apparently there is a massive waiting list, so I know I should be grateful, but I'm having a really hard time with the whole thing.  We are in to our third set of psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors, nurses, and teachers, and frankly I just feel really exhausted and discouraged.  I feel bad for the people out there that have to wait to get in, because unlike other programs, there is no limit to how long you can be in this program, but there is a limit to how many youth can go.

There are so many things I haven't been able to say or share, so I know it would make more sense if I could, but getting in to everything again just makes me feel down.  When I came home from work today, I looked at her and apologized.  She looked at me with her big blue eyes, and said, "Why are you apologizing mom?"  I said to her, "I wish I could fix everything for you.  I wish I could give you your medication and everything would just melt away.  I wish I could erase the past and just create a new one.  I wish I could make things right. I wish we didn't have to go through all of this again. I'm just so sorry I can't fix all of this for you."  "I know mom.  I wish that could happen.  I hate interactive therapy.  I don't want to go to more groups.  I don't want any of this." "You know I can't keep you home, don't you?  You know I can't say it's over, because I don't think you're ready to be on your own yet.  I think you still need support."  :"Yes, I know."

It's hard to look at your child and not be able to fix things.  There comes a point, when a large part of her recovery is up to her, and only time can help mend that.  She has to get past what has happened and find a reason to thrive in the future.  To make things more difficult, the psychiatrist she has really bonded with will not be allowed to treat her anymore, and I just can't bring myself to tell her.  Tomorrow she will find that out, and I don't want to even be around for the after math of that conversation.  She will be so tremendously disappointed, and so am I.

YCSP will accept her for 2 days a week, and the other 5 will be up to me to keep her on track.  While school is still in, which is 3 more weeks, we will have 3 more days of the week taken care of.  For the rest of the summer, well, I'm not quite sure yet.  I will have 3 weeks of vacation I've spread out over the 2.5 months till school starts in the fall again, upon which time she will keep attending YCSP and her regular high school the other 3 days of the week.  As for the rest of the time, I'm not sure.  I will have work to deal with, and will have to juggle the rest.  Thank goodness my work is so understanding.

For now, as my daughter says to me, "Mom, let's save the worry for tomorrow".

"Hello, Mom?"

"........Hi!"

"Soooooo, I'm transitioning on Wednesday."

Two more sleeps.  This is the day I've been waiting for and wondering about for a very long time.  Since December 9th actually.  Two more sleeps till our current program at ADTP starts transitioning my daughter in to main stream public school.  Even typing out those words makes me shake in my shoes.  The last time we tried going back to school, I found myself standing by the river, wondering if I would ever see her again.

The ADTP program is a 3-4 month program, with intense private and group therapy, as well as private and family counseling.  There is school work involved, and it's run by both Alberta Health and the Calgary Board of Education, so they work hand in hand to try and catch up the main holes that have been missing in relationship to school work while treatment has happened.  It has been 1 year and 3 months since my daughter was in school regularly.  She only attended the first 2 weeks of this school year.  Now, we will look at sending her from a classroom of 3 kids (ratio at ADTP is 1 to 3) to a school of 800.  She will go back with an IPP, but will that be enough to accommodate her needs?

"What?  This Wednesday?  I thought we had discussed waiting a little bit longer?  I need to prepare.  I need to communicate with transportation, the high school, and..."

"Do you want to talk to my teacher?  Maybe that would help?"

"Yes.  Yes please.  I think that would be a great idea"

"First, one more thing.  Can I take the bus?"

"What?  Really?  The bus?  Is that really a good idea?"

For the last 3 months, transportation has taken my daughter directly from the door of my work to the program, and then has picked her up and delivered her in to my view.  Without fail, I have known where she is the entire time, and that has been a tremendous burden removed from my shoulders.  She's basically had her own private chauffeur, and now, she wants to ride a bus with 45 kids on it.

"Ok, let me talk to your teacher."

"Hi.  So we have a start date of this Wednesday."

"Is there a reason why you made it earlier?"

"We thought that was the date set in the transition meeting."

"No.  You were supposed to get back to me after the new program met with you, and after we would decide the exact dates so I could arrange transportation, and time from work.  I don't feel good about just doing this without being prepared."

"Oh, well you'll have to talk to the counselor about that.  In the meantime Wednesday is the day.  So the plan will be all day, and then Thursday afternoon."

If there is one thing that drives me bonkers, it's lack of communication.  During this entire process, there has been time and time again where communication has broken down, and I have been left not knowing what the real agenda is. I have made it very, very clear, over and over again, that I am an involved parent, and need to be in the loop with what is going on.  A transition means so many different things and I really don't think wanting to be engaged in the process makes me a control freak.  It makes me someone who likes to be prepared.

We continued to discuss the plan, and the teacher assured me that I would be sent an email outlining a safety plan and details that were being discussed. 

"Hi there, this is the Vice Principal at the new school.  Is now a good time to talk?" 

"Yes, it's fine.  Thanks for calling."

"I found out news that your daughter will be joining us on Wednesday.  We're looking forward to having her.

"I don't really know what to say.  This is happening faster than I expected, so I'm still a little shocked."

"I think the plan is just to have a calm, quiet day, and not overwhelm her with anything too much."

"We haven't even had a tour yet.  She doesn't even know where the safe spots are.  She says she feels like just throwing herself in to it and seeing what happens.  That really makes me uncomfortable."

"Actually, that makes me really uncomfortable as well.  I don't think that's a good idea.  I think we need to have proper safety plans in place.  I would prefer if you brought her to the school.  She isn't even in our system anymore.  We had to transfer her to the CBE system, so you'll have to re-enroll her.  There will be a lot of forms to fill out"

"I just don't know how this is going to work.  How do we take a girl who can't even motivate herself to walk up the stairs sometimes to do a whole day in a school? "

"What is the thing that scares you the most?"

"I don't know.  I don't even know if my fears are realistic.  I don't think she's a runaway risk, however I never would have thought she was then either."

"Does she have a phone?"

"Yes she does"

"What are her triggers."

"I don't even know.  It could be anything.  This is just so unknown.  I can't picture what this will be like.  Do you have a nurse at the school?"

"What kind of nurse?  Mental, or first aid?"

"First aid.  What if she cuts and needs help?"

"Yes.  We have people trained in first aid that could help."

"What if she panics and leaves?"

"We will put a plan in place with her phone.  How easy are you to reach?"

"I work 4 minutes away.  I don't want to wait 20 minutes this time before I'm even notified if something happens.  She made it to the river last time."

"I can assure you, we don't want that to happen either."

We continued to talk for a few more minutes, and left it at being cautiously optimistic for a trial day with plans in place.

Two more sleeps.  I'm scared.  Terrified actually.  I don't know what will happen.  I don't want to end up back at the hospital, or at the river for that matter.  I don't want to go through it all again.  I don't want her to cut or self harm because she can't deal with the pressures of everyday life.  I know sometimes I have a hard time dealing with every day life, and I haven't gone through what she has. 

At the end of the day, this is her battle, and I can only fight along side.  It makes me feel helpless and wildly out of control.  I really don't like that feeling at all.

Heya followers, 

Are any of you from America or studying in America? I’m creating a module for an American Degree Programme (here where I live which isn’t America) and I would like to gain some insight into how lecturers teach humanities subjects. 

If any of you are alright, could you please send me a message? Would appreciate the help. Thanks!

"Hello, Mrs. Johnsen? “Yes, that’s me. Please call me Kerry.” “Ok then, hello Kerry. How are you doing today?” “…………….fine? Thankyou. And yourself?

Another one of those calls. You see the number. You know who it belongs to. Again, you take a deep breath, but this time sit down prior to answering.

"Am I catching you at a bad time? Do you have a few minutes to talk?"

Yes. I answered the phone so please, talk. Tell me something good. Tell me amazing news. Tell me this is almost over and this will be a closed chapter, never to be opened again. Please, just tell me something hopeful.

The Doctor on the phone proceeds to talk about a small incident at the program involving a staff member and a breach of confidentiality. We discuss the situation briefly, and that my daughter has been informed.of the situation. They assure.me this has been educational for them and has been resolved.

"How do you perceive dealing with this? Will you discuss it with her, and do you anticipate any problems?"

"Really?", I think to myself. How am I going to deal with this? Will I talk about it with her and what do I anticipate happening? Great question indeed!

That’s the whole issue all the time. What will happen? There is no jacket cover or last page to read and get the end of the book first. I used to do that when I was in school. Book cover, inside jacket, first chapter, last chapter, book report, and done! 60% is all I needed - anything higher was a bonus. Anything lower was too indicative of my lack of effort. Didn’t really matter - I was cruising with tons of stuff more important to me I needed to do.

I miss those days. The “spoiler alert” saved my butt a bunch of times. Unfortunately, the path I’m on now has no alerts - at least not until your going over the actual bump. I would love a pot hole sign but I’m constantly facing that “construction for 100 miles” sign on a 1 lane highway. No turning back. No alternate route or detour. Not even a route recalculation - just rough road ahead.

It's been just over a week now since discharge from ACH, and although things have been going pretty well (despite the flu rampaging our household), I would have to say this is a very confusing time.

Yesterday I had the privilege of meeting with my daughter's new psychiatrist to chat and see where things are at.  The communication from ADTP is very different, and perhaps that's because the program is so different, but nothing was ever really explained to me, so it's very confusing.  ADTP is specifically targeted at 13-17 yr. olds, and there is really no opportunity for parents to be there and see what happens in a day, so I'd have to compare it as being hyper focused on every aspect of the day and then going to not really having any idea what to be focused on.

When I was 21, I had the awesome privilege of spending a summer in Africa.  We traveled through Uganda and Kenya, and had some pretty crazy stories when all was said and done.  We took this amazing train trip from Nairobi to Mombasa, which really gave us a chance to see the country well.  The train stopped at every single station along the way.  We were in first class, and if you looked out the window towards the back of the train, you would see vendors selling fruit, chickens, rice, and just about anything else they had in their hands or on their heads to the people in the back.  The craziest thing was you'd see someone get off the train, dressed in a suit and carrying a briefcase or bag, and they'd just start walking out in to the middle of this vast terrain.  You couldn't see anything but the African wilderness - no mall, hut or house, and yet you knew they must be going somewhere.  That's kind of how I feel now.  I'm out in the middle of this vast terrain, and I know we're going somewhere, but I just don't know where - or when.

They psychiatrist and I spoke for quite some time, and really, my confusion didn't change from the beginning to the end.  What I did learn, is that no news, in this case, is good news.  This is a program that I'm not going to see, or understand how it works.  Where as I could watch most every step at ACH, at ADTP I have to be the parent, and let the professionals do what they do, and trust that if we have an issue, I'll be the first to find out. 

There are so many things for me to watch now, and try to trust.  Is she eating?  She eats around me, I assume she's eating at school - is she?  Wait.  Typically she restricts when she's not around me so she can eat freely when she is.  Haven't noticed any self harm - would I notice if it happened?  How would I know?  I gave the cell phone back and we set some rules and standards.  Do I check and search? 

Here's what I've done.  I could have put tight restrictions in place and made things really rough, but instead, I decided to start at an A+.  I told her it's up to her.  We start out at the top, and can work our way down from there.  The twists and turns will be decided as we go - it's really up to her.  Tough?  Oh yeah!!!!  So very tough, but part of rebuilding trust is stepping out a little bit at a time.

"How are you feeling right now?  Safe?"

"I'm safe.  I feel good."

"Good.  That's good"