#adoptism

So here's an official call for asks about adoptism and adoptee experiences!

*adoptism, also called adopteephoboia, is prejudice against adoptees.

eclecticcreative asked:

Adopted Person here. I chased you before about not connecting adoption and abortion on either side of the fence. And you still don't get it. And you used a bad website that's sickly pro-adoption to boot. Please, please do a retraction. I explained why and you're hurting our community. A mother that surrendered her child complained to you, as did several adopted people. Why can't you do a retraction and just take off the adoption part of the abortion post?  We are not your soapbox to stand on.

cheapogrosso​ answered you:

you know why I didn’t listen to you before? because you have only ever used a belittling tone with me. putting me as a poster child for ‘adoptism’ isn’t going to make me listen to you, especially considering you never bothered to see that maybe my words were misconstrued. you have no clue what kind of person I am and the fact that you seem to think you’ve 'figured me out’ from one tweet is ridiculous. I understand what you are trying to say (so much so that I even tried to fix my previous statements) but you are approaching this in a way that is only going to make me shut you out. your approach is honestly just frustrating and obviously not helpful on either end since apparently I just can’t handle the information you’re telling me in the right way. and all those people complaining to me? my post was gaining thousands of notes every minute. I. cannot. keep. up. this post has gotten bigger than I have and is beyond my control. I tried to listen, I tried to fix my statement (you can’t just take down an image on here and even if you could, it wouldn’t completely go away), I’m trying the best I can but all you’re doing is telling me it’s all wrong. I am seventeen years old, I have barely seen the world and I am still learning. but your tone is going to get you nowhere with me and bombarding me with how wrong I am in virtually every way is not going to help you get your point proven. I’m trying my hardest to do research and learn from every angle but you know what I get? bias. everywhere. endless bias about every fucking little thing, so instead of telling me I’m using a bad source, actually give me some that fit what you’re trying to say. I thought I was using a source that just gave facts but apparently not. god forbid I make mistakes. I hate to make such an agitated response back, but being told I’m wrong and not being offered any possible way to learn (just to remove my post) doesn’t sit well with me.

First of All, you are NOT adopted. You don’t understand the label. And I gave you a multitude of reasons as did other adopted people and a birth mother on why your post was offensive and then you had the gall to double down on it.

Look, a man says to you sexist things, You upset, and angry at years of oppression say, “This is sexist!”, and then he doubles down with the crap that you said here, I think you would be outraged. Do you think you need to explain why it’s sexist, and that you’re obligated to do so, in order to take down the offensive part of the post?

He’s not a woman. He doesn’t understand. He doesn’t have to understand. He only needs to take down the part that is offensive and do a retraction and go educate himself.

And just because your post gained thousands of reblogs doesn’t mean that those people were all adopted and that makes your statement right. That’s thousands of ignorant people you could help understand the issues of a marginalized community like the adoption community by boosting them.

I gave you links, resources, and the ability to learn about why your post, that single part of the post was wrong and how you could fix it--i.e. removing it and explaining why it was wrong. But you didn’t. You chose to keep it and your ignorance.

I also took the time to explain to you wholeheartedly what the difference between pro adoption, adoptism and anti-adoption is. But you chose to ignore that too. brandx​ took the time to also explain that they were pro choice to you and that your post was misguided for the reasons that confessionsofbirthmothers​ explained to you succinctly and well. (Also pro-choice.)

I am not asking for you to take down your entire post. I’m asking you to remove the offensive parts to the adoption community and edit out that part where you are doubling down and using an *unreliable source* And say SORRY.

And if you feel belittled, and are more invested in your popularity, than upholding social justice, and only social justice for yourself, isn’t that the definition of white feminism right there? We are saying to your YOU ARE HURTING US.

You are saying to us, "Well, my popularity proves I’m not Adoptist at all. My popularity matters more than your olive branch to learn anything, to grow as a person and understand the wrong I committed. And you correcting me is belittling me.”

Yes, wouldn’t you also hear that with feminism too? If a man pulled that crap, would you like to hear it?

Would you also say this crap to someone who was trans? Who was black? Who was a religious minority? Who was lesbian because your post is, what? Popular?

There was a book about a Jewish woman in a concentration camp that fell in love with one of her captors for an RMA award. Jewish women argued that this was the definition of rape. Could the author then defend that it wasn’t antisemiitic because it was popular and clearly, because it had a bunch of reviews on it and up for an award, that it *must* not be anti-semitic and it’s clearly well researhced anyway, because she got the Nazi’s uniform correct anyway? It seems so. What kind of feminism do you want to practice anyway?

We fuck up. I fucked up royally earlier this year on trans talk. I fucked up a lot. It’s part of being human. But because I’m NOT trans, I did a retraction on the original post and asked people in a separate post plus the original post based on the help I got from someone trans to reblog the fixed post. I said SORRY and I still mean SORRY. And I’m still sorry for fucking up. Because that’s called not being a jerk. It took a few rounds also to get right because I fucked up still a few more times.

This is not a badge, but to point out when someone says something is wrong and you do not belong, and a bunch of people also say that’s wrong, then you also say sorry, learn how to listen and fix it, and move on. But you didn’t do that, which is why I’m chasing you.

BTW, some of the reblogs were also from adopted people on your count that agreed with Brandx, confessionsofbirthmothers and me. So you can’t use 100% of them to stroke your ego. You have to seriously consider if your post is offensive instead to our community and have the wherewithall and humbleness to listen, just like you would demand of someone being sexist.

To explain further– you’re the first person I’ve heard talk about adoptism. And I figure if I haven’t heard about it before, I’m probably shit about it. So I’d like to learn more so I can figure out what god-awful viewpoints I’ve internalized, so I can make try my best to kick them to the curb. Again, you don’t have to answer, I know you don’t owe me an explanation. I just thought you might have some opinion on which links/resources are best and/or not written by people who are wrong/terrible

Adoption is a selfish choice because creating a family is also always a selfish choice. This is something I pulled from Adoptive parents, seasoned and who have both birth and adopted kids and saying it about themselves. They recognized it was a selfish choice to want a family. I’m going to trust their words on that.

And if you noticed, the post, in general was about “rescuing a child.” You can’t “rescue” a child. It’s a two-way street. It’s not like the parents are getting nothing for adopting this child. In adoption circles, most seasoned adoptive parents fully recognize they get 100% of the benefit from the trauma/general separation between parent and child. Because adoption is a contract of understanding between the parent and child. The parent needs to understand that the child has a past–whatever it is. That child more than one from birth is NOT a blank slate. And the child has to gain enough trust from their parent to trust they will care for them–hopefully (though this is not always the case–though there are no solid numbers for this (I did ask the Donaldson foundation), from my guestimates, it’s a smaller percentage of the population as advocacy grows.)

BTW, I know there are PAPs and new Adoptive parents that don’t feel this way, but seriously, do you want to support their PoV when children that went through that system before complained and campaigned against it and forced social workers to change those policies? This is to say, “I see you, but I heavily disagree with your PoV considering the adoption community’s past.”

Creating a family is *always* selfish, whether from birth or from adoption. Even if it’s foster care, it’s still selfish on the part of the parent, because the children have no say, but the choice lies with the parent.

I hope you get the difference between “rescuing a child” and adopting them, especially from a mighty whitey PoV. Because parenting is definitely more than just love…

I think I covered a loose list of movies, etc in several essays. X X X I still highly recommend Belle. No adoptism (at least from my PoV), and they *got* the quandary for many of us who are transracial adopted people. That’s the single movie out of the ones I’ve seen in English that has done it well. From the micro to the macroaggressions and the intersectionalities given and feeling lost on how to deal with our own beauty when isolated, it was a brilliant, brilliant film.

Also a master link list of everything I’ve found about adoption scholarship over the years by listening to people from all walks of my community–I still try to collect links and listen, especially since mine isn’t the only experience and I’m apparently an outliar. PACT put adoptism up on their website. I also helped them adjust the definition a bit to be more inclusive, but they said they were already working on it, which ended up at that PDF. Honestly, though, adoptism is often not covered because apparently foster care and adopted people “have it “good” (should be “grateful” and that birth parents “should be grateful” or are “monsters” and adoptive parents are “saints” to the outside community, so it’s really difficult getting places that will pay for articles on adoptism and negative experiences of prejudice because many of the magazines, either won’t recognize it as a “real” thing, not “important” (despite the numbers of the adoption and foster care community), or the magazines are pro adoption and see talk of adoptism outside of adoptive parents as a kind of threat.

Adoptism

• A belief that forming a family through genetic connection is superior to forming a family by adoption.

• A belief that a parent raising his or her biological child is inherently better than a parent whose child has been placed for adoption.

• A belief that growing up as an adopted person is the primary identity and determinant of an adopted persons traits and capacities.

• A belief that the love or inherent health of a family can be determined by the way that family was formed.

• Prejudice or discrimination against members of the adoption triad such as:

• Treating and/or refering to adopted people as perpetual children.

• Making assumptions that good adoptees don’t complain and angry adoptees are psychologically damaged.

• Painting parents who relinquished children, either by force or by choice, as either saints or villians instead of human beings with complex circumstances who have faced difficult choices or powerful prejudice that have lead to painful losses

I helped to fix this article a few years back... I e-mailed them and pointed out that it was AP centric, though I still wish they’d added: 

* A belief that Adoption is all about Nature v. nurture.

‘cause I’m sick of that one too. No, I’m not going to choose between my four parents and two families--because no matter how I feel about them, if I am or am not in contact with them, and they are stuck with me anyway, besides it’s none of your damned business.

Stealing from myself... originally posted January 14, 2012. I wrote it because PAPs were having a melt down over the Hague convention, which asked government to stop exploiting countries and make sure that children really needed to be adopted and also to stop forcing open countries as mostly rich white countries pleased. It also emphasized keeping families together. And yes, Some Prospective Adoptive parents had a melt down over that. Yeah, so they are PRO-child trafficking? In light of people arguing, “But adoption rescues children!” I’m going to take the number $25,000 which is the average amount for a domestic adoption for one child and break it down into what it could do to you know, actually rescue children AND cauterize the wound while we’re at it.

You can donate 25,000 dollars to Red Cross. You can specify which community it goes to, and also specify what it is donated towards, say children. 25,000 dollars could get toys, blood, shelter and help children find their relatives who may adopt them.

25,000 dollars to the Heifer International organization is a big enough package transform an entire region. Or simply by a little less than 20 goats. This would leave 99 dollars left over, of which you could buy a flock of hope, or a trio of rabbits, leaving 30 dollars left over. You could then buy some honeybees, and you’d still have 9 dollars left over. (How many children did you save?) This would help entire families and communities to get out of poverty–the organization doesn’t only donate the animals, but funds vets and care for those animals. When those animals breed the community benefits.

You can donate that 25,000 dollars to help single mothers in Korea keep their children because the Korean government has not caught up to industrialization in Korea. Considering that minimum wage in Korea is 4.00 an hour and single mothers are shunned, you would have given enough to fund more than one child and give the mother a fighting chance to keep her child. (Though Korean adoptions cost an average of 28,000 dollars).

You can donate 25,000 to organizations that need microloans to women in poverty who have business plans, but not the means to do it. Many of these business plans require only 5,000 dollars, or less, which means, if you invest the full 25,000 dollars, into these women, and specifically choose those that have children, then you could save 5 projects, maybe with 2 children each? So that’s 10 children.

With 25,000 dollars you could donate to places such as Operation Smile where they go around the world and repair things like cleft lips and cleft palates. They provide medical care to children who would be stigmatized by society for a minor birth defect–there are other organizations that also help with repairing birth defects.

Stop kidding yourself, if you wanted to “save a child” You wouldn’t adopt. You would donate and save more children and stop the causes that make the system have children that shouldn’t be in it in the first place rated by the amount of melanin in their skin tone/government they have. You want to adopt–it’s for yourself, it’s not to “save children”. The act of making a family is selfishness–own it, but once you own to that fact, don’t forget, it will not only be about you, but your child and the future that you want to show them. Do you want to show them a world where you don’t try to mend the world for your own gain, or do you want to show them a world where you could spend only 120 dollars to buy one animal from the Heifer foundation and see a woman go to college through that one animal? Do you want to show them that you put effort into helping women keep their children? Or do you want to show them that you think if women are poor and single in a stigmatized country that we should take their children? Do you want to be the person who asks when are the children going to be shipped out of a disaster area, or the person that donates money to help with relief that will help more people than the adoption of that one child. Think through your choices and justifications.