#adminverse au

Sec wants to be useful soooooo bad but simultaneously think they are mostly worthless AND that their actions/words have a big impact on people. Its a weird contradictory belief.

People often mistake self-hatred as a virtue, as a type of humility. Sometimes people think self-hatred is the opposite of pride when it really isn't. Sometimes, self-hate is really just the most painful variant of Self Obsession.

And Sec Hates Herself.

I mean, part of it is she has The Big Fat Mega Depression. And Depression can cause you to spiral into self hatred. But also, She is full of blaming herself for events she actually had very little control over. But this self-blame is also something she is using to hide from herself that fact that she deeply resents her older sister.

Arlee was so amazing, so special, so talented, so bright and loud and attention grabbing. And Sec? Sec was never special. Never talented. Never worth much. Can't she have a piece of what her sister Arlee was? It isn't Fair!

And Arlee was the person who loved her the most, yet even she did not think she was worthy of respect? Even she was willing to disregard anything she had to say? Even after how much Sec supported her? Consoled her? Forgave her for the crappy things she tended to do out of impulse? Reined her in from destroying herself again and again?

Arlee was the one who loved her the most, and she was not willing to try and fight for their relationship once Sec started pulling away? And to top it all off, she went and DIED on her, leaving her ALONE with no hope of fixing things? For something stupid as a fight for the sake of her pride? Was Sec not even worth living for vs dying for saving face?

And then there is the resentment Sec *is* aware of in herself. Like the resentment she feels about wanting the kindness she tries to give other people to be given to her. Can't being Nice cause people to love her, give her affection, think she is special? Kinito is meant to be Everyones Best friend, he is meant to be somebody who Loves, who gives you attention and care. Yet no matter how much she tries, or invites, or offers... she simply is not the priority even to him.

And Sec knows that this line of thinking is irrational. She knows this whole situation is FAR from being About Her. But the feelings won't go away. And it just gives her more ammo for her self-hatred.

Often the thought going through her head is: "I'm only pretending to be kind, to be nice, to care. But I'm a lying fraud that only cares about themselves. If I actually cared, I would leave the situation and stop interfering with people who can actually do something."

Its not really the full truth though. Sec is a genuinely kind person. She does very much care about all the characters in adminverse. She really, really wants Everyone to have a happy ending (Yes even Scary Face, just not at the cost of Casey dying lol). She wants everyone to have hope. She wants everyone to be free from their suffering, to grow to become better people. She wants the rifts between Sonny and Nito and Casey and Nito to heal, or at least for them to come to an understanding.

And even if everything ended with her being nothing more than a footnote and forgotten, she would be genuinely very happy for everyone if things get better for them. In spite of her resentment. Sec would put her life on the line to save Kinito, Owl, Casey, Sonny or Addie if it came down to it.

But Sec also has a martyr complex, deep self worth issues, unresolved resentment, is drowning in grief, sadness and self-pity and is disgusted with herself for it. And she won't talk about most of it .

She only talked about Arlee's death because she wanted to shock Kinito out of his complacency AND show that she had firsthand experience of what his path might end up being if he didn't change. And then later to show that he was not Alone in carrying mistakes and guilt he could not fix.

Sec Hates being guilt tripped and does not want to do that to others (despite the fact that she kinda does guilt trip others, just more subconsciously). But she is hypocritically trying to give emotional advice and support when she herself is the emotional equivalent of a dumpster fire that she won't seek help to put out.