#admin:shira

Excellent advice! I’m passing it on to all our followers!

hello Elly,

slowly making my way through my letters here, see... another one from you. My dear friend, I hate to contradict you, but no, you are decidedly NOT a bad person and you certainly do not deserve bad things happening to you, or feeling awful over something you watched that you had better not watched. the only thing that does exist is consequence, so if you know something is likely to upset you, and you know you have problems stopping yourself from watching it anyway, you may need to work on strategies to avoid this. And it has nothing to do with intelligence, either. As for fictional characters, well, no one I have ever encountered was fully innocent or fully guilty, all evil or all good. In fact, these terms have little meaning. People try to live their lives, most try to be good, all make mistakes, some are worse than others, but hardly anyone is beyond understanding, or beyond redemption. So really, there is no reason to compare yourself to two dimensional characters, either. If there are things you cannot bear to watch or read, though, that is fine, too- it is ok to skip them or avoid scenes that have a trigger warning, for instance. Or get a friend to help you navigate a difficult piece. 

As far as real things happening now: There are places to get information that will not push the gruesomeness in your face, while still giving you the information. Newspapers may be better than television or the internet. Radio may be better. Finding something written by a compassionate person will be better than by a sensationalist. Just remember, the world is a painful enough place, though also a beautiful one, and that sometimes it is hard for all of us to bear what is in it. Sometimes we need to take a break and recover our strength. Don’t beat yourself up for what you need.

Yours,

We never said because she loves him and it would hurt her. So yesterday she used his phone to take some pics of him and their kids ( my siblings, they’re 7, 6 and 4) and accidentally found new nude pics of other women on his phone, he refused to tell her who they were because in the past my mum has called the other women and asked about their relationship and informed them that he is married. He kept telling my mum that she was overreacting and it was just porn and he doesn’t consider it (pt2)Cheating. Really? When you go out to meet other women and sext with them it’s definitely cheating. He’s totally ruined my mums self esteem and completely disregarded her, their kids, their vows. Especially after she gave him another chance, yet he still prioritized sex over his family. It makes me so mad and I ache to see my mum and siblings so sad. They’re not quite old enough to understand why their dad won’t be living with them anymore and I really don’t know how best to be there for (pt3)All of them. My mum has asked us not to tell anyone so my siblings are the only ones who know and I just need someone to talk to and some advice. It’s hard to stand on the sidelines and watch, when my dad left I was just a kid so I couldn’t do much. But I’m an adult now and I just feel like I need to do something so it won’t be so hard on them, I just don’t know what. Any advice? I’ve already offered to take the kids for a few days anytime it’s needed and keep telling my mum that she’s (pt4)Loved and so amazing, she basically raised me and 4 siblings alone and we all turned out decent people. I don’t want to talk badly about HIM because she DO love him, that’s also why we’re not allowed to tell anyone. She doesn’t want people to treat him like his some kind of monster for tearing our family apart. But I have no sympathy for him, he chose himself over his family and still expected them to just forgive him again. I just… I feel really helpless :( (pt5)

Suilad, my dear Raven,

my thoughts are with you in what must be a painful and confusing time. I think your estimation of your mother’s husband is spot on, but so is your understanding that it would not help her if you put him down. What you have done so far is what I would counsel you to keep doing: Give your mother space to pour out her heart to you, don’t align him overmuch, or she may feel she has to defend him. Take care of your young siblings for a few days, if that is ok for her. Try to get her to take at least some close friends or family members into her confidence. make sure she has a good lawyer when this goes to court. I can understand that she wants to keep things close for now, but things will get out and it would be better if peopel then know what really happened. You can depend on it that her husband won’t be above twisting the truth to suit him.

Now, for you: It is great that you are helping your mother, but please also remember to take care of yourself. Don’t run yourself down. You, too, may need people to talk this over with- your other siblings, of course, but if your mom agrees to taking other people into her confidence, it may help you, too.

I think you are doing a great job here, and that your instsincts are spot on. Just keep doing what you have been doing. Please don’t hesitate to come back and ask again if you like.

Your friend,

Necessarily going on dates or anything just finding new people to sit down and chat with and enjoy company with and having no romantic feelings for… Just friends with added mutual interests… And honestly what with me moving I think it was for 2 For the best because I just cannot handle trying to be with someone who can’t feel for me what I feel for them beyond what they feel in their pants, so I just kinda let it drop And if he msgs me then ok and if he doesn’t ok as well…

It’s good that you have other people to meet and to hang out with, to talk to and to enjoy being around. I hope you can hold on to this new equanimity. And don’t think that spending time with ‘just friends’ is worth less than being with a lover. One does not replace the other. Friends are important, and a gift from the Valar.

Yours,

Dear Elrond, So I've been dating this one guy since late 2014, he proposed the start of this year and I said yes. But I'm starting to realize he is so NOT the right one for me. My family wouldn't be pleased with the match either and recent events had me realize they matter to me more than him. I still care for him as a person but I want OUT of this engagement. We're not set to tie the knot till next year so I need to find the most painfree way of doing this. Any advice? Thanks Ada! ~ Izzy

Suilad Izzy,

I heard you were asking for one of us, so I thought I’d tell you my thoughts. Elrond will probably have more wise words to add later. If you have taken on a commitment that you now realize is wrong,I  can only encourage you to undo it as long as that is still an option! Unfortunately, the oath we took was unbreakable- our curse from the Valar. Yours isn’t, so release yourself from the the vow you swore while you still can. I also see that you are asking for the least painful way of doing that. Friend, that is not the way to go. I understand that you wish to avoid pain, both for yourself and for your fiance, but it is more important to ask how you can do it in a fair and compassionate way. Your then- ex will be hurt, and he has a right to be. So if you are sure of your path, the best would be to let him know as soon as you can, in a suitable place (not in public), and as nicely as you can. You may want to write down a few words of explanation as well. make it clear that you will not be swayed. 

I realize that this will be uncomfortable for you, but I think you owe it ro someone you loved once. And you will certainly feel better about it in the future if you do it in a fair way. 

I hope I could help,

Yes, do not worry, all will be anon.

2 but I do kind of torture myself by going back over old messages and remembering our very few fleeting moments, I guess maybe I love too quickly but I hardly love anyone so I just don't know...

You know, you may need to give yourself a bit more time to figure out how you feel. And with figure out, I don’t mean obsessively prodding the pain like it was a sore tooth, but letting it rest and only looking at your feelings from time to time. It’s normal that you miss him and miss whatever was good, but if you don’t want him anymore, that is not a contradiction. And not to rain on your parade, but are you sure replacing him with a new person is the best idea? Not saying you shouldn’t hang out with someone else, but getting over someone by distracting yourself with someone else has a tendency to backfire.

Yours,

we have the second part of an ask- it is about rereading old messages of someone, and it starts with a 2- but part one is missing?