#admin zea

Though, as the sun streamed between tree leaves of colours without words to describe them, you felt stilled. Birds that sang felt like they belonged in Disney movies, with someone harmonizing along to them as their friend. Wind felt like fingers through your overgrown hair, calming and chilling all at once. The one electrifying thing was the brush of Sunwoo’s thigh against yours, up and down slowly as he tapped his foot to a beat in his ever-working head. You wondered if he was doing it on purpose, keeping his sweater paws in a loose clasp on his lap, reddish hair falling deep into his eyes and chin pointed away from you. He was trying to get your attention, much as he always wanted to before when you were completely oblivious of him.

Now, it felt as though you were a symphony whose sound was cacophonous without the boy’s heart to keep tempo.

“What are you thinking about?” Your voice came similar to a whisper, like you’d forgotten how to talk amongst chrysanthemums and bluebells who listened in on every word.

“How much weight I’ve lost,” he said after some deliberation, turning his hooded eyes from the passing clouds to you. A smile was evident on lips that seemed to always be cherry coloured. “I think my company would approve, seeing me walk in like a noddle.”

Your hand collided with his side, small scoff forming into a smile on your lips. One side was heavier, bruising taking place over stitched tissue. His smile was just as bad, though you still thought it suited him well. He was still just as gorgeous despite the little spots of yellow and purple. You were sure you looked a mess but it didn’t quite matter. Seeing each other at your worsts was a promise you’d made long before you fell in love.

“At least you have something to go back to,” you murmured lightly, leaning back in your seat, hands coming to either side of you. In retrospect, it must’ve sounded bitter but it was you that decided to take the semester off school.

That didn’t stop Sunwoo from gingerly placing his hand on top of yours, as if he was going to break you if he put any force. He was featherlike, even in his voice.

“You could come with me if you want. Audition with a broken leg. Live in my dorm.”

“Only if I get in,” you chuckled, shaking your head at him. The way autumn let itself be known was slow, only through small gusts of cold wind. They shot small shivers up your spine but you were glad for the sensation. You were glad to be alive, joking with a body you felt your whole life was woven towards.

“I’m not kidding,” he mused, though his voice feigned seriousness. There was always a twinkle in his eye, one made of mischief and the idea that he knew too much to be this young. Sometimes it felt like he’d come from a different universe and appeared here just for you.

“You could come back here,” you countered, turning your hand upwards a bit so your palms were facing one another.

It felt slow, like you’d never done this before. There were so many things you could remember about his touch and the places his hands had been but now, it felt like the first time. You were just as giddy as the time he looked at you in his car, kisses and other things to do in the dark hidden within his irises. Your heart was somehow pounding against ripped skin and bruised ribs in a way that you embraced. A part of you wanted to say you missed feeling this way but that would be a lie. You could feel this way about anyone. The truth was, you missed feeling this way about him. You just missed him.

“Okay,” he chimed lightly, sticking his free hand out between him. It was shaped into a fist, little grin following the words, “best two out of three.”

“You want me to play rock, paper, scissors for your future?” The laugh that spilled through your teeth was one you hadn’t felt in a long while, though it did hurt your sides.

He shrugged, insisting you played along. You wouldn’t comply and he knew it, but you did place your free hand over his fist and pushed it down so it hit your thighs. You didn’t even realize how close you’d gotten to one another.

The diminishing space between you two caused a shift in the air. Even the weather seemed to feel it, sun being overshadowed by the clouds for the moment and wind pulsing. In another world, you believed your emotions would have controlled the weather, shifting it into turmoil with every second you spent looking at Sunwoo’s eyes. They’re one thing that have never changed about him.

It took everything you had to rip yourself from the moment, detaching yourself from his hands out of something near guilt. Shame welled up inside you again, thoughts of how he was here and not working on his future hitting harder than the desire to curl up in his arms and forget about the world like you usually did. His life really was on pause and there you were, pretend gambling for what his life was going to look like. A piece of you knew that, if you really wanted him to stay, he would do it. He would do anything for you.

Having someone be the centre of your world was easy. Knowing you were the centre of someone else’s world was a weight you did not know how to carry.

“Think you’re going to start work soon?” He asked gingerly, trying to remove himself from the own heat below his skin. It was proving to be difficult, his lips shifting uneasily around the words he spoke. His fingers fidgeted with one another underneath thick sweater sleeves.

“Once I start walking without a crutch,” you hummed, giving the sky above you a glance. It was brighter now, sun peaking out again to say hello. You could’ve given it a wave if you wanted to, daring to look ridiculous in front of a boy who knew you both angry and silly, happy and sad.

“Oh,” he hummed, obviously not knowing how to continue. Even you couldn’t find the strings to an actual conversation from there, and you prided yourself on keeping the flow of any conversation.

Silence drifted across your lap in a way that felt like a wedge shoving itself between the two of you, creating more and more space. For a split second, you could feel the way your hearts mingled with one another. They touched cheeks and kissed hands. Something within you truly felt like you and Sunwoo were kindred spirits, two people cut from the same cloth and destined to wrap yourselves around each other in every life you traveled through. He was always familiar, always safe and yet, never boring. He was just about the most interesting and most lovable person alive.

Yet, as more seconds ticked past, you were brought apart. Dancing hands unclasped and drifted away, taken to opposite sides of the room and forced to waltz with other partners. It felt like you were always going to be looking across the room for him though, desperate for a glance at his figure or a connection of gazes; anything would be good if it reminded you that he cared.

“You said you still loved me,” Sunwoo brought up, rather stilly and out of the blue. His hand was pulling on the wedge, stopping it in its place. The same future flashed in his eyes as well and he knew what it meant: a life without each other wasn’t one worth living.

Patiently, slowly, you murmured, “I did.”

“Did you mean it?”

The crack in his voice sent your heart into overdrive. Your hand was on the wedge too. You were pulling harder than he was.

“Sunwoo.” Your voice was hardly a whisper. Eyes coming down from drifting clouds and meeting his own, you didn’t know how to explain everything you still felt for him- everything you would always feel for him.

Your able leg came up to one side of him, framing his left side as you brought yourself closer. It felt easier this way, for him to understand. If he could just feel the beating of your heart, maybe he’d be able to tell just how much you adored him. If he could see the shallowness of your breath at his very touch, fingers that now grasped your hips and shifted you even closer to him. It might have been uncomfortable with anyone else but, with you and him, everything fit just as it was meant to.

The sound of a crutch of yours clattering to the ground didn’t even make you flinch, hands grasping at his loose sweater. The thing was salmon coloured and thin, white long sleeve coating his chest as extra protection against the weather. You could feel the heat of his body just in that grasp, but also beneath the pads of his fingers that drifted beneath the hem of your shirt.

His parted lips were all you saw before the fluttering of your eyelids. You were brusque, impatient for the closeness you so missed. Breath seemed unnecessary when his lips brushed and pressed on yours. The pressure from your hands on his chest was a constant push and pull, begging to bring him forward but pleading to be encased by him. He seemed to know exactly what you wanted, as he always seemed to. Large hands cupped your hips and skimmed up your back, fitting between your jean jacket and thin shirt, lifting it in areas just to touch you.

The touch of his tongue against your lips had your heart in your throat, instantly reacting to the emotions rising throughout your body. It took you a moment to realize you were flush against each other now, broken limbs uncared for as you breathed the same air and shared the same skin. Even as you parted lips, you still stayed as one, with your arms creating a circle around his shoulders and fingers drawing little figurines at the base of his head.

With your foreheads pressed against each others, lungs nearly empty and heart beginning its decline, you felt at peace. You felt at home and you brought your hand to his face to trace to nooks and crannies of it you missed. Despite the purple and yellow and the stitching on his face, he was just the same. No amount of damage could ever change all the little things you loved about him. The corner of his eyes and the little wrinkle between his brows, the slight decline of his nose and the prominent bridge there, his little beauty mark: you took them all in while his eyes watched you. They were honey coloured.

His forehead knocked against yours lightly, like a kitten would raise their nose into your hand for more affection. Slowly, you flicked your eyes to his, happy to see the rays of sun that appeared in them.

“You didn’t answer my question,” he quipped, voice deeper than you remembered it to be a few minutes ago.

A little snicker dripped from your mouth in time with his broad smile, teeth and everything showing as the corners of his eyes disappeared. Despite his long hair getting in the way, you felt he still saw you quickly, playing into every time you bent down a bit to peck his lips in slightly different places.

“Of course I did.” The sentence came between each peck before you calmed a bit, slowing down for another kiss he held onto. It didn’t get as heated but it seemed to weigh a lot more, settling into your core.

“Good,” he whispered, annoyingly long eyelashes fluttering against your cheeks, “became I’m pretty sure I still love you too.”

“I never would have guessed,” you mused, relaxing into your usual self around him. It felt easy to continue a conversation from here, your lips flowing and telling him everything he’d missed since the last time you spoke.

Eric nodded, somehow leaning forward to hear better. His forearms now rested on the bed, fingers coming to wind into each other as comfort. 

Awkwardly, though with a hint of care, he mumbled, “are you still having episodes?”

He remembered watching Sunwoo’s mother get removed from his room, her voice overlapping nurses and doctors and whatever else came from the room. She kept asking what was wrong but there weren't any answers until later, where they found some clotting or something similar. Sunwoo was okay but he’d have to learn how to walk again, or something like that. Eric wasn’t filled in on the specifics but, considering the circumstances, he figured it wasn’t so bad.

Sunwoo just shook his head, looking down at his lap before coming out and looking around the room. There wasn’t more for him to say so a silence hung across their shoulders, draping the room in a melancholic shroud.

“I can’t imagine what that’s like,” Eric mumbled, genuinely thinking aloud. Being stuck in a hospital room, hooked up to an IV drip or with an immobile part of his body: everything about those made him queasy. If he didn’t have his body, he didn’t have anything. Plus, the sterility and lack of warmth of a hospital room made him uncomfortable. It felt unfeeling and like everything was drained of him the moment he stepped in. 

However, his statement was met with a rather soft question, one of wonder and vulnerability. The boy was poised much like he was; back curled, chin dipped inward and eyes downcast, fingers entwining as best as they could. Eric would have laughed at the parallels of the two men in your life, the ones he thought you considered to be of the most important, and how similar they were at times.

“Did y/n send you a letter too?” The question was soft but filled with another meaning. Instinctively, Eric’s hand met with his pocket to feel the sealed envelope, the one with typewriter script across the front of it. 

The rustle of paper caused a small sadness to fall upon Sunwoo’s lips, though a smile shrouded it. His eyes were kind when they met with Eric’s and they seemed to be more genuine than ever before. 

"I figured they'd send you one too," he admitted softly, stretching a bit to find his notebook again. His fingers slipped once or twice before gripping the cover, eyebrows scrunched together and a small exhale passing his lips. His right side wasn't doing well at all, bruising probably the worst part. 

Still, Sunwoo had no problems sifting through his book, using his words as paint in a picture. Through the faint sound of birds and wind passing by the window, Sunwoo spoke slowly. "They gave me one too, said they wanted it to be their last.

"Y/n wrote down a lot of things in their notes, saying it was for later when I asked. I figured, you know, it was just what we did on dates or when we were out together. It was nice. I thought they just wanted to remember but I think- I think they did it so they could write about it later: put their life in letters and in people they thought saw value in them." 

"What did they say in yours?" Softness wasn't completely familiar with Eric but he tried here, genuinely curious and genuinely open to a boy he'd often been closed off to.

Sunwoo didn't dare look him in the eye here. Sadness still encroached on that smile of his, fingers tracing the edge of an envelope that looked much like Eric's. He was focused on that, so intently to the point where Eric felt like he was intruding when he heard the answer. 

"They said they loved me. For the first time, in this letter and before we ever said it to each other, they said they loved me." 

A sniffle fell from his lips and his free arm reached up to rub beneath his eyes. As his cheeks moved, so did his head, gaze now focused out the window. For such a sunny day, it surely didn't feel happy. Sitting in this stale hospital room with a boy he used to hate, for reasons that seemed so far off and childish now, Eric felt perspective stitching to his mind. Little spindles of truth lurked far off and he realized that the way he knew you was nothing close to the way Sunwoo knew you. Maybe he never would. As the boy in front of him continued to pretend he wasn't sad, tried to hold back his years and appear strong, Eric took it upon himself to start repairing the bridge. It was time for him to be responsible. 

"Sunwoo," he started, chewing on his words a moment in hopes of it not sounding condescending. It gave the boy enough time to focus his attention back on Eric, something Eric didn't know if he wanted just then; but he'd started to speak already, his offer was on the table. 

"I don't know what I'll find here but, if you want, I can read it to you here. It might not be what either of us are expecting but-"  

"But it's still a little bit of y/n," Sunwoo finished, whispering his sentence as if it were taboo or forbidden. Eric only nodded, nervousness flipping his stomach over and over. It suddenly felt cold in the room but a warm hand pressed over his and all of that went away. 

With a glimpse into Sunwoo's stare, now suddenly a man with unguarded eyes and gratefulness swimming them, Eric felt stable. 

"Y/n wanted you to know it, not me. It's yours and it's personal. Your own secret with them. It might be nice to keep it that way, don't you think?" 

Sitting there, in that hospital room, it was surprising to think how much the two of them had changed. Eric liked to think it was because of you. 

——————————————————

Dear Eric Sohn, the boy with the skateboard and big smile, my best friend,

I think this letter is more than a long time coming. I don’t know where to start but I guess the middle would be good. The beginning you already know, though I doubt you know just how much I loved you, and just how much I do now.

——————————————————

Late January 2018

It seemed harder and harder to manage school and the rest of your activities as exam season rolled around. After New Year’s, which everyone spent separately this year, there seemed to be tunnel vision for every senior and it was the end of the year. There was a hunger for school to end, college or university or a career not far off and taunting you. On top of that was restlessness, the need to feel like an adult and that you had your life together; but you supposed the worst part was the fear that gripped at your heart and made you think you didn’t have a single thing about your future thought out. Everyone seemed to know what they liked and wanted to do and you were somewhere in the middle, finding everything moderately interesting and boring all at once. 

Still, you’d applied to many different programs, hoping at least one would take you in. Secretly, you hoped it’d be the one that your brother was in, or your friends, just so you had someone to hold onto as you crawled into adulthood. 

Frowning a bit, you continued to sit on your front steps, bundled up in sweaters and jackets and everything in between. Barly was hopping around in the snow, excited again to see the powder falling slow enough that they looked frozen in the air. You watched as he bounced around, sticking his nose in the flakes before running up to you with a completely soggy ball he’d found outside. The grin on his face was almost human like and you couldn’t help but feel a little less stressed looking at him. 

Not a single part of you wanted to pick up the ball from his mouth so, instead, you grasped a bit of snow and formed it into a sphere as best you could, watching Barly get more and more excited. He turned a few circles before pausing, waiting for the throw. 

You meant to toss it so it landed inside your front lawn but the weight, or lack thereof, of the snowball threw you off and you watch as Barly chased it partially in the street. You didn’t have to see the car to know it was coming, immediately jumping off your seat and bounding forward without thought. Barly landed somewhere in your arms, a small yelp falling from his lips and whole weight pushing down on your body so you were pressed against the floor. A few inches from your face was pavement and a car bumper. It was hard to ignore the hammering of your chest. 

Eric’s head popped out of the window, whole body nearly following as he called, “holy shit, I- are you okay?”

He was almost unfamiliar with his blonde hair but, somehow it suited him. The fear in your chest dissipated as you grasped Barly closer and hugged him until he wriggled out and away to your home. It seemed he had enough of the winter for the day. 

Leaving his car running in the middle of the road, Eric climbed out of the large truck he’d taken from his family and hopped down to meet you. You were still just sitting on the floor, trying to calm yourself. 

“Hey,” he crooned, coming to sit on the cold asphalt with you. His legs were cross legged and clad with ripped jeans but he didn’t seem to mind the weather at the moment. A hat was now pressed over his ears and two drinks placed in his hands. 

No one was going anywhere this Sunday, the streets empty enough for this to feel safe for the moment. Both you and Eric didn’t have your exams until later on this week so you decided to meet up after a long Saturday of studying, hoping you could destress and properly move past all the awkwardness of your last few encounters. 

“Are these from Cobbled?” You pointed at a cup, one meant to keep drinks warm for an unnaturally long time. You knew the insulated metal from anywhere, the small coffee shop your favourite from back home. They were cups meant to reduce waste, one you could take anywhere and put anything in. You had about fifty at home. 

Eric looked a bit sheepish, handing you one of the drinks before quickly taking it back and replacing it with the other. He mumbled that this was yours and added, a bit louder, “I just thought you might miss it by now. I got them right before I left so they might not be super warm but yeah.”

Your fingers overlapped for a brief moment and you caught the nervousness in his eyes as it did. Much to your surprise, you were shy as well as you said thank you.

“You shouldn’t jump in front of cars, you know,” Eric mumbled, trying to make a joke but you just exhaled. 

“It was dumb, I know,” you hummed, looking down at the floor that was slowly starting to cover up with snow. Running a hand over it, you watched as streaks appeared and you murmured, “it was like a first thought though. Fight or flight, I guess.”

There was a staleness in the air, everything feeling just as still as a picture. You watched as Eric’s skin started to turn a bit pink, wanting to voice your concern but something stopped your words in your throat. Only Eric’s hand could pop you out of the little bubble you were in, where emotions were coupled with confusion and nothing seemed easy to figure out. 

It rested on your knee, nowhere near places that would make other people’s hearts race but yours somehow did. It was innocent and reminded you of the way you used to feel about him, the way you would pine over him for years when you were younger. Yet, somehow, you weren’t young anymore. His cheeks weren’t full and his jaw was hard. You were sure you changed too. Looking at him in that moment made you think about how much you adored him back then, and maybe how you never stopped. 

His voice was soft as he asked, “hey, really, is everything okay?”

Everything in your body couldn’t stop you from lurching forward and into his arms. A bit of his coffee spilled on your jacket but it didn’t quite matter to you. In that second, all you wanted was one of his signature hugs: the ones that always made you feel better and forget everything that was going wrong. A small protest escaped his lips, saying something about getting coffee in your hair but it didn’t quite matter. For the moment, you sat in each other’s embrace, and it was enough to make you remember the validity of your old feelings. 

That didn’t exactly erase the tension between you two. In fact, the hug might have made it worse. 

The two of you lounged around and played games using Haymond’s consoles, your older brother away for the day with Juyeon. Halfway through, you gave up and decided to have an early dinner, you saying you wanted to show him something after. It wasn’t necessarily true, there wasn’t much happening closer to the heart of town but you just really didn’t want to be home. There was something about being inside that made you feel trapped recently and, for at least one night, you just wanted to have fun and forget about all your senior responsibilities. 

The two of you began your walk to the middle of town just as your parents were pulling into the driveway. They seemed surprised to see you together, which you couldn’t blame them for. After Eric tried to kiss you, your parents just assumed that was a bridge that was never mended. Yet, you really wanted it to. You missed your best friend, being with someone who fascinated you the way he did. You wanted to talk everyday again and get back in touch with that part of you. 

Maybe it was a desperate need to hold onto your childhood because you thought you were losing it but a big part of you felt like it needed Eric in your life. Without him, the idea of life seemed a bit bleak.

“How’s the whole boyfriend thing going?” 

If you were being honest, the question did throw you off. It was asked just a few steps from your home, when he felt like you were alone again. From the corner of your eye, you watched as he battled himself internally after asking, as if he meant to but didn’t all at once.

Not knowing how to go about it, you started as you always would. In a way, you wanted to treat Eric as a friend but there was always going to be a difference now. Something uncomfortable would lie there and you found it was there often. Whenever you wanted to bring up Sunwoo, you’d refrain from it, either because it made you sad or because you felt he wouldn’t like it. 

On the other hand though, the question could’ve been an olive branch. Maybe he meant to ask it to let you know he wasn’t going to interfere again, or that he’d mended his feelings. Somehow, the second one seemed to make you upset but your mouth didn’t show any of your thinking. It just went around the same old bend, saying Sunwoo was great and you were happy and everything was going alright. 

Perhaps the smile on your face was too stale, too forced. Eric didn’t seem convinced, elbow poking into your side and head notching to the side. The way you instantly hesitated was enough of a tell and he walked a bit closer, lowering his voice to tell you it was alright to share. 

“You sure?”

Nibbling on your bottom lip, you shrugged. The warmth of your pockets was a slight reminder of what hands felt like embracing them but, with a blink, all your recent problems with Sunwoo came rushing back in. 

Shrugging, you hummed, “it’s been weird recently, to be honest. We made a new friend Haknyeon, you met him at the Christmas stuff and ever since they first met, they’ve been at odds, I guess? I can tell he doesn’t like him but he won’t tell me why.

“Except they get along well so it’s like, he just feels replaced I guess? He’s even told me that but there’s no way we’d ever do that. It’s ridiculous to even think.”

The more you voiced it, the more upset you became again. The two of you had an argument about it the day you opened presents because he saw you typing out the letter to Haknyeon. He looked so jealous and it was weird to see someone who was usually so happy turn sour and green. The air even felt different around him and the looks he gave you hurt. Yes, you wanted to write love letters to Sunwoo and you only ever did. You sent him so many and gave him others, wrote him little notes but Haknyeon’s was different. He was just your friend. It was bold to even call it a love letter considering the content; half the time, you spoke about Sunwoo anyways.

Still, your boyfriend was upset. He claimed everyone was forgetting about him or didn’t care that he was trying to be a rapper and was figuring out his career. It seemed to upset him more that everyone was still here while he was in the city but that wasn’t your fault. 

“It’s not my fault, right?” you reiterated, thinking aloud now to Eric, “like, he chose to try out and get casted and stuff. We’re all trying our best, just because we don’t see him all the time doesn’t mean we don’t care. We message everyday and I even- we even-”

The last bit seemed a little personal to share, even with Eric, and so you dropped it. Pursing your lips together, you found your eyes on your feet as they kicked forward through the snow. A small silence beat between you until Eric spoke. 

“You know, if that’s what he feels then hear him out instead of being defensive and stuff,” he said, a bit of coolness in his voice. Near the end of his sentence, he started to feel like ice, adding, “it must be hard for him to be alone too. At least you guys still have each other.”

With a blink, you tried to take what Eric said into consideration but a small part of you was bugged by him. Furrowing your eyebrows, you muttered, “yeah, but he doesn’t get to take out his aggression on me.”

“So tell him that instead of telling me. Knowing you, you’re just complaining instead of talking to him about it.” The curtness of his sentences was throwing you off and you were beyond confused about the way he was acting. It was like the wind blew a different direction and suddenly, he was upset. In turn, his words nipped at your emotions, grabbing with their tiny teeth and tearing until you felt just as bruised. 

Tucking your chin in, gaze now focused on the ground, you huffed, “why are you being so mean?”

Your words were met with an exhale, the sound of Eric’s boots hitting cobble letting you know you were in the heart of town. Bright lights lit up the square, Christmas decorations dangling from trees and due to be taken down. The whole place was bright, with beautiful designs and colourings on the stone walls that were washed and changed each season. This year, a snowman was decorating trees in the main drawing. Something about it was so warm. Eric was very much not. 

“Because it’s like you don’t even get why he’s upset. You’re taking it as if it’s a problem with him when it’s really a problem with you. You can’t see past yourself sometimes, y/n, and it’s ridiculous.”

“Are you really still upset with me too?” you shot back, now figuring out why he seemed to be taking Sunwoo’s side. You stopped while he walked a few paces into the square, watching him decide what to say before turning back to face you. 

“Honestly, a little.” His explanation only came when prompted but it seemed like he couldn’t stop himself from saying what he wanted to. 

“Really, I didn’t have a reason to be upset with you. I tried to kiss you and stuff before and you’re taken so that’s on me and I’m sorry, but you’re also extremely unfair. No matter what, even when you started dating Sunwoo, you called me everyday and we would talk until forever and not even notice and it wasn’t fine but we didn’t have boundaries; but now we do and you still cross them.

“Like what the fuck was that earlier today? You looked like you were going to cry and then just buried yourself in me. It’s like you’re playing with me and how else am I supposed to take it? Are we just friends? Have we ever really been?”

You watched as his chest rose and fell. He looked so upset but you were at a loss for words. All you could do was call his name but that seemed to make him more upset.

With a shake of his head, he sat on the edge of the fountain in the square and huffed. “I know it’s my fault too and I should try to stop these feelings or something but it’s not that simple. It’s not- it’s not your fault you’re happy and I’m not upset at you for that, I’m just… upset.”

Slowly, you took a seat beside him and pressed your lips together. As best as you could, you swallowed his words as they were, letting them scratch your throat on the way down. Your hand wanted to come on his shoulder but you refrained and sat silently. It was better than nothing. 

Despite yourself, you found yourself looking at your hands, voice small and weak as you muttered that you were sorry. He mirrored your words but it didn’t seem to mend much- or anything at all. 

——————————————————

I think this was the worst time of my life. I felt, slowly, slowly, like everything was caving in on me. I had the whole boyfriend thing going wrong, my friends seemed distant, Haymond was gone, and the only person I felt like I could truly rely on was you, and even you were slipping through my fingers. It was all because of feelings too, feelings that were overwhelming and that I had no idea what to do with because I couldn’t tell if I felt them when you did or if I’d always felt them towards you and you were just making it all surface. Whatever it was, you confused me, but I didn’t want to let you go. I physically couldn’t, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to. 

——————————————————

Mid March 2018

Nervously, you kicked at the gravel in front of your car. You were leaning against your parents’ car, hands shoved in coat pockets that covered your overalls and sweater underneath. It was meant to be shown but the weather, being much different than last year’s, didn’t allow it. With a frown, you tried to avoid thinking too much about last year. It was at this point that things between you and Eric changed and it’d been so hard putting the shattered pieces back together ever since. A big part of you wondered if it was because your friendship the way it used to be was irreparable or if you just didn't want it to go back. 

Eric came stumbling out the front door, lugging a large garbage bag behind him with some effort. He was wearing a hat, as always, but his hair was still blonde and bright. You figured he liked the look of it when it clashed with the pink of his cheeks in the cold. You sure did. 

“I didn’t think you’d be here so early,” he admitted once getting into your car, garbage tossed and hands sanitized. 

From your spot in the driver’s seat, hands at nine and three before crossing over each other on a turn, you spoke. Preoccupied, you were sure your words weren’t as smooth as you meant them to be but he still listened and seemed to understand. 

“I wanted to make sure we spent the whole day. I have something kind of fun planned but I don’t know what to do after.”

Turning in his seat, leg propping up against the centre console, Eric fixed you with a hard look, trying to figure out the plan for the night. “What is this fun thing? You haven’t told me yet.”

Smartly, you notched your chin up and grinned brightly, making another turn. “You don’t deserve to know yet. It’s a surprise.”

“You’re so strange,” he chuckled, eyes becoming bright stars that winked. His elbow rested against the armrest, chin in hand as he looked at you in a way you couldn’t decipher. 

“It’s why you like me,” you said without thinking. 

The comment wasn’t met with a response. 

Time dripped by slowly when you were together, as if you were meant to savour every second because there wouldn’t be many more. You continued on talking, bringing up another topic and another until you both were giggling yourselves to bits. Cheeks hurting, you pulled into the driving lot of your destination, glad to begin your day.

Only when a metal bat was placed in Eric’s hand did he seem to get the gist of your outing. A pair of safety goggles were placed over his eyes, large, clear plexiglass shielding from anything that could possibly shatter. After he put on his electrician’s suit, one that was fitted with padding for safety and he got his instructions, Eric shuffled up to you slightly excited. 

“This is what you meant by relieving some senior stress, right? Breaking stuff?” He looked unnatural in a uniform like this, safety gloves fixed over his hands but still childish. You nodded. 

“It’s like a safe destruction centre and everything broken gets recycled and reused and stuff, plus each room is monitored so it’s like for having fun only or like releasing some endorphins,” you rambled, hoping it didn’t seem like a bad idea. Senior stress was mostly an excuse to get him to come. Deep down, you really just hoped this kind of patched up your relationship. Eric wasn’t ever aggressive but you knew he got angry, as did everyone. It felt like something productive, maybe, to imagine your problems as something physical and kicking it out of the way. It could just disappear that way. 

Nervously, Eric looked at you, then around the room and hummed, “we’re not breaking anything in here, right? These things look expensive.”

Snickering, you shook your head, wanting to tease him for being anxious but you couldn’t deny that you were too. As you gripped your own tool, fingers nervously shifting around it, you dared to look him in the eye and explain yourself. 

“I- I know you’re mad at me, Eric,” you mumbled, biting down on your lip after hearing how meek your voice was. The boy’s already circular eyes widened into perfect spheres, surprise written on them. 

“Wha-”

“And I’m mad at me too, for about a million reasons, and I’m mad at people other than you, and I’m stressed and anxious and confused and everything in between so let’s just take that all out here,” you finished, gesturing to the space around you, eyes following your hands, “because maybe then we can get back to being just us, you know? Have fun, like the old times.”

His hand peeled off his bat and came to rest between you, palm facing upwards and looking a bit small for his gloves. You looked between his eyes and his hand before gently placing yours in his. When he closed his fingers around yours, he smiled lightly and asked, “together, yeah?”

All you could manage was a brave nod and, together, you strode into the first room. Both of you were hesitant, padded room relatively empty despite the displays that were meant to be torn down. Yet, you both tapped at bottles and anything you could take a light swing at without feeling terrible about it. It grew to be fun and, soon, everything became a game. How many candles could you take out with one swing or how many pieces of newspaper could you tear in one rip? The answers were discovered in challenges and laughs, chases around the rooms you were in when you stole his safety gloves and he couldn’t handle the paintballs. 

It was hard to remember when you last laughed as hard, hiding behind sprayed garbage cans in the room made specifically for hand to hand paintball fights, trying not to be found. Like an egg cracked on your head, green paint spilled down your cheeks and into your hair. You would’ve screeched or been upset if it wasn’t met by Eric’s outlandish giggle that had him lying on the floor, holding his chest. Instead, your mouth just gaped open and a bit of paint touched your tongue, at which Eric laughed more. Almost immediately, you tipped yourself forward, trying to trap Eric the way he’d trapped you, splashing a pink paintball over his already stained hair, almost like a finishing dye. The way you had him pinned between your legs, one hand struggling to restrain his while the other rested on his head hardly crossed your mind until the last minute and you shuffled away to get off of him. 

Pink on his cheeks, very much not from the paint, he sat up and a few feet from you, knees up and arms outstretched over them. Shocked by your own self, you copied his stance and waited for time to pass. The beating of your heart was nearly overwhelming. 

Quietly, he murmured, “so, what were you breaking things for?” 

Motioning behind him at another door, he waved his thumb and explained, “you seemed a bit fixed on those old IKEA chairs.”

Shyly, you brought your hands to your eyes and chuckled, embarrassed he saw. “I- O didn’t think you were watching me.”

Shrugging, Eric shifted closer, definitely dipping his gloves in paint but he didn’t seem to mind. The music above faded out when you weren’t paying attention to it, nearly disappearing as you focused on the thumping in your chest. Looking at Eric today felt completely different, as if each time you blinked, he was a different person, with layers you never knew before. 

“I was thinking of Sunwoo,” you admitted, almost never wanting to lie to him again, “you?”

An exhale left his lips slowly, cheeks puffing out into circles before he lay back on the ground. More paint shifted around him, and around you as you lay beside him, but it didn’t seem to matter. All that mattered for the moment was the tension in your chest, the revolving of the fans above you, and the sound of Eric’s voice. 

“School and my parents, you know how they get, and stress and- and honestly, sometimes, you.” 

The way he spoke was careful but raw, something you missed hearing from him. Turning your head, you were met with his perfect profile, a killer jaw and chin, with strong cheekbones and nose to match. His hair was splayed across his forehead, pressed there and drying with the paint but it didn’t matter much to him, or to you. He was still beautiful, platinum hair suiting his complexion more than you ever thought it could.

Softly, he murmured, “but mostly me. I guess I’m mad at me for not being able to handle the fact that, like, just because I like you doesn’t mean you have to like me back. I’m mad for being mean to you.”

A laugh coupled his last little mumble, the words, “I don’t know,” slipping past his teeth as he tried to run a gloveless hand through his hair. “A little bit of everything, I guess.”

“Yeah, me too.” The conversation concluded somberly, neither of you particularly keen on continuing it. You’d also taken off your gloves, having them rest on your stomach and take a ride up and down with your breath. Music seemed to fill your ears again, but you weren’t too aware of it. 

Almost all you could think of was the inching of your fingers towards his, and the butterflies that creeped up into your stomach when they met. As your pinkies linked, you wondered what it meant for you, for Eric, for Sunwoo. It felt like an affair, though you were sure from other people’s perspectives, maybe you and Sunwoo were the affair.

“I get to pick the next place, right?” Eric’s eyes lit up as you met in the main hall after getting changed out of your uniforms and handing everything back in. You were glad he wasn’t mentioning what happened in the paintball room, knowing it would only render you speechless. All you gave him was another nod, one he took gracefully. 

“Then, I’ll drive or I can tell you directions.”

“I can’t know?” you prodded, raising your brows. 

He mimicked your stance before, sticking his nose in the air and slyly crooning, “it’s a surprise.”

The surprise was somewhere you’d been going for so long, one of your favourite hang out spots before you left your hometown and you squealed in excitement pulling up to the lot. As you found parking, taking quite a bit to park straight enough, you bounced in your seat. 

“I guessed it, I guessed it,” you giggled, turning your head around and placing your hand on the back of his seat to see behind you as you parked, “I’m so excited!”

The innocent laugh that escaped his lips as he watched you, gazed at you almost, was uncontrollable. “I couldn’t tell.”

It took everything not to jump out of the car immediately, leaving it unlocked and behind in the future. Where you were going was the past, and the music and lights and oranged floors of the roller rink were all familiar. Nothing had changed, nothing but you and Eric, both of which were much taller than you used to be. Checking in and getting a pair of ‘70s wheels, you both sat and chittered about the filling rink while tying the laces. 

Sticking your foot out, you pouted. “It’s not working, help me.”

So many thoughts ran past Eric’s face, all different emotions before he landed on being amused and helping you with it. As he tied the laces a little tight on purpose, he murmured, “I haven’t been here since you left.”

“What a coincidence,” you said, trying to sound dumb, “me neither? So weird.”

Snorting, he slapped at your foot to tell you it was done and you perked up, trying to stand. Gripping onto a railing, you succeeded in standing but wondered how you were going to make it out with the skaters. Eric’s hand came to rest on the small of your back to steady you before he stepped in first. 

“I’ll go around first and see if I can get it and then come get you?”

You shook your head, adamant to follow him. He seemed to get the hang of being on his feet, knees bent just slightly and you copied his stance as you outstretched your hands.

“Together.” 

The word slipped out absentmindedly, but it was enough to make him take your hands and pull you forward, lacquered floor definitely easier to roller-skate on. Stumbling a bit, both of you wavered and laughed, gripping onto each other for dear life. More experienced skaters left space around you but it truly felt like they weren’t even there. There was nothing more than Eric’s eyes, which twinkled and shone with every grin and belly laugh. Even when he slipped, he felt like a galaxy splaying out to cover more ground. Nothing about him ever bored you, not even when you were left on your feet trying to pull him back up but he just tugged you down. 

If anything, he felt like the place you were supposed to be. Here, with him, where nothing could go wrong, you were safe. 

Tired from skating and your previous adventure, Eric went to grab nachos as you unlaced your skates and returned both pairs. Sitting there, in the darker spots of the rink, psychedelic prints as wallpaper and contemporary pieces of Jimi Hendrix plastered against it all, you sat at a high table and reminisced. Both of you sat outward, watching people and picking at chips absentmindedly, thinking about the past you’d let slip through your fingers. 

“We came here for Keenan’s birthday, do you remember?” you asked, chuckling a bit as you imagined a horde of little sixth graders bumbling around, pushing and shoving each other, being loud and crazy. They seemed painted gold, your memories. 

Eric hummed, smiling broadly as he ate. Covering his mouth to speak politely, he chittered, “I had my first kiss that day.”

Your eyebrows raised, turning to look at him. “Did you really?”

A nod came from him, though he seemed a little confused. As he gripped at a tissue, going to wipe his hands, he inquired, “you don’t remember?”

“You told me about it?”

Blinking, only slightly taken aback, Eric finished cleaning his hand before softly saying, “I didn’t have to tell you because you were it.”

Eyes widening, you tried to think back on it, but you couldn’t. Nothing was coming to mind and it made you feel embarrassed. Something so important to both you and Eric was something you didn’t remember. It didn’t seem to faze him for much longer, the shrug falling off his shoulders trying to seem casual. 

“Doesn’t matter, really,” he mumbled, looking down at this hands before turning back out to the public, “it was just a peck.”

——————————————————

Not remembering that kiss definitely made me wonder when I’d started to see you the way I do now. I remember being irrevocably in love with you then, spending days doting on you and trying to get you to see me. I remember all the moments when we would skip around town, go biking or swimming and just be together and I’d think that was what love was- what it meant. Every single day, spent with the person you wanted to be with, that was love. Nothing else. I thought I was wrong before. Now, the more I think about it, the more I realize that’s what love is to me, and it’s difficult when you love someone you can’t see. 

——————————————————

Early May 2018

“Keep your knees bent!” Eric called out to you, watching you try to kick off the skateboard but immediately stumbling back to the ground. He was far enough away that it took him a few seconds to skate close enough to shake his head at you. 

“Where’s your head at?” he muttered, trying to show you how he stood. Little did he know that your brain wasn’t anywhere near skateboarding. It was your first time learning so you should’ve probably been more attentive but you were so distracted. 

A conversation between you and Sunwoo last night seemed to play on repeat, like a cassette tape on loop until the vinyl got pulled and stretched and burnt. By that point, every word sounded warped and unreal, though the feeling was visceral. You didn’t know how Eric didn’t notice the puffiness of your eyes, or maybe he did and didn’t feel it was his place to ask. Instead, he toyed around in your empty streets and determined to teach your how to skateboard. 

“Sorry,” you murmured, not even noticing you said it. He went to press his hands lightly on your shoulders, trying to tell you to get a bit more bend in your knees. You complied easily, absentmindedly letting him adjust your stance. 

“Everything okay?” Eric asked, dipping down to meet your eyes face on. It was the only moment where you felt like you were living in that time. A part of you wanted to just spill your guts then but you held back, withdrawing into your thoughts once more as you offered him a nod. It was the best you could do given the circumstances. 

Lightly, he grasped your hands once more and led you around slowly, in circles. It seemed easy when he led you but you weren’t controlling a thing, just leaning the ways he was pulling you. He coaxed you off his hands, telling you that it was alright before he pulled away completely. Surprisingly, you were on your feet longer than you expected, long enough for him to think it was safe to skate a little further away. He was in the middle of doing a trick when he heard your skateboard clatter across the pavement and your body thudding against the ground.

You watched his head whip over his shoulder before he leapt off his own board, grabbing it off the floor and sprinting toward you. Worry wasn’t natural on his face, you thought that as you sat up, clutching a part of your knee where you felt sharp stings. The rubbing of your jeans against your skin probably didn’t help. It didn’t take much for you to start to feel like your reality was actually happening, dampness of your hand asking you to start properly paying attention to your surroundings. 

The tears in your eyes were involuntary. Eric seemed to slide to the ground, coming to sit beside you and trying to pry your hand away from the spot while you sobbed, clutching your leg closer and closer. You were sure it looked like you were crying because of your injury but it was so much more than that. In fact, you didn’t even really feel much pain. Your hand proceeded to press into what felt like a very thin puddle on your jeans. 

“Y-y/n, please let me see it I- does it hurt that much? Do we need to go to the hospital? I- Is that blood?!” His voice hitched up, almost exclaiming as he pried your fingers off yours to see the many dotted stains of red up and down the area you scraped against the floor. Panic really did not suit him, he wasn’t well equipped for these situations. 

Through your tears, you started to feel less weighted. Looking at Eric care so much for you made you realize you weren’t alone the way you thought you were. It was just a conversation. A break-up wasn’t the end of the world. 

A broken laugh broke through your tears, which seemed to spark most of them. You must’ve looked ridiculous, not even trying to wipe at your cheeks with your sleeves. Instead, they covered your hands and tugged you forward as you wrapped your arms around Eric. He seemed taken aback, placing a palm against the ground beside him to steady your weight and his. 

You watched as droplets fell against his shoulder, squishing in closer to him only to whisper, “thank you.”

His free hand was somewhere in midair, brain preoccupied and concerned that you were on your knees to hug him. You listened as he spluttered, not quite understanding the situation or anything at all. He was ridiculous on days like this, a little giggle slipping past your teeth at the thought of the look on his face. Pulling back, hands of yours trailing up his shoulders and resting there to face him, you sniffled and forced a smile. 

“Thank you for always being here.”

He blinked. The computer of his brain restarted a few blinks later. Silence filled the streets and you became more aware of the dampness of the jean above and below your knees. Suddenly, a sharp sting shot up your leg and you hissed, sitting back on your bum. That seemed to snap him back into real life and the small boy, short but firm, proceeded to help pick you up off the floor. 

“Let’s clean you up, yeah?” he murmured, not daring to stare you in the eye anymore, “we can talk after.”

Having no one home that day was a plus. Your parents were out visiting someone for the weekend so you didn’t have to worry about their prodding and chittering and comments about your clumsiness. You’d heard enough when it came to your grades, you really just wanted some peace and quiet. 

Eric led you carefully up the stairs, making sure to watch for you. He let you change into shorts in your room, offering to clean up the blood because he knew injuries made you queasy. A little tease escaped his mouth, filling your ears and the quiet air as he spoke. 

“I’ll hold your hand if it hurts too much.”

You knew he was kidding but it still caused your heart to pick up. A part of you couldn’t believe you were saying it but Eric excited you. He made you wonder about all the things you could be doing if you were together when you were apart. Not once did he fall back into being your best friend and maybe you never felt that way about him. Selfishly, you kept him so close to your heart that you confused deeper feelings for platonic ones and it was unfair to him- unfair to you.

He’d found the speaker and was playing his relax playlist by the time you emerged from your room, redness up one leg. Eric seemed to pay close attention to that rather than the high cut of your shorts, a bit taken aback by it. You could’ve sworn there was blush on his cheeks. Biting down on your cheek, you made your way to the bathtub and sat down inside of it, outstretching one leg but leaving enough room for Eric to fit. You didn’t want to risk getting blood between the tiles.

Politely and keeping his distance, Eric squeezed in as best as he could, a bottle of antiseptic in one hand and a multitude of cotton pads in the other. There were bandages and pins for them splayed across the closed toilet seat. It definitely wasn’t hospital level clean but it was good enough given the circumstances. 

Eric’s free hand gripped yours as he ran over your wounds lightly, obviously trying not to press too hard. He asked for your help sometimes to stretch the skin, apologizing and looking mournful whenever you hissed or a muscle twitched. You weren’t in too much pain, but it was fun to see him care so much for you. 

Crimped, blonde hair fell into his eyes and he shook it out of the way as he bent forward, trying to get through every little scratch before he bandaged it. With his mouth dropped open just a fraction of an inch, eyebrows scrunched forward and eyes hyper focused, there was no way he was going to notice you eyeballing him. You watched like he was the first movie ever made, not black and white but in full colour and enamouring. Sharp lines and pink lips, ones that made you wonder what they felt like against yours. 

Was it the pain in your chest talking or did you really feel this way?

Breaking the silence, almost unknowingly and without any intention, you murmured, “I’m sorry. I feel like I’ve been so shitty recently and I was- I was unfair to you.”

It wasn’t the first time he looked confused, pausing as he tried to bring your leg closer. He was cupping the bottom of your calve with one hand, the other against your knee to make the bend easier for you. This time, he just waited for you to elaborate, seeing the words form on your lips before they came out in sound. 

“I hated Raven for no reason and ever since I started dating Sunwoo, I brought him up all the time and that was wrong of me but maybe,” you paused here, trailing off and not really knowing where you were going until you realized it yourself, “maybe I wanted you to feel the same way I did. I wanted you to be jealous too, which is shitty.

“It’s horrible of me, actually,” you admitted, lowering your tone and embarrassed with yourself. Despite hearing it out loud and knowing how it sounded, you needed it out in the open. It felt only right for him, the person who knew you bone deep, to hear the secrets you’d been hiding for so long. 

“I love Sunwoo, I do,” you assured him, or was it yourself? Catching the way you spoke, you hesitated before continuing, dipping your chin further into your chest and pouting, “it’s just- sometimes I just- I don’t know, it’s like-” 

“Sometimes, it’s hard to admit that you’re in love with your best friend.” He finished for you, clipping the last bit of the bandage together. His eyes didn’t meet yours, staying fixed on the beige wrappings against your skin. It almost looked like a present with his hands around your leg, holding it so tenderly.

Slowly and almost silently, he murmured, “and that maybe a part of you will always be in love with them.”

“Sunwoo and I broke up,” you said so definitively, you wondered if he would take the hint.

The surprise in his eyes didn’t lead to the same conclusion. You watched him want to ask how it happened, if you were alright and needed some sort of support. Maybe he was putting it together that’s why you were crying, or maybe it was nothing of the sort. 

Looking for an answer you knew you weren’t going to get, you filled the clueless kid in on your desire. “Kiss me now or forever hold your peace.”

Your joke was almost cut off by his lips pressing into yours, soft and warm and everything you imagined it to be. He was cinnamon without the spice, hands so generously sliding up your leg while the other came to steady your jaw and neck. This time, it was a kiss you wouldn’t forget. That much you were sure of, smile spreading across your lips whenever it got the chance. His breathless laugh in that closed space was all you could think of in the days to pass.

——————————————————

Truthfully, I don’t know where this puts us. We hardly saw each other or talked, exams and then my trip getting in the way. I could feel the desperation between us for an answer but neither of us had one, and I don’t know if I ever will. It’s weird, but exciting and fun. I hope that, when I come back, I’ll have an answer. I want to know who I love once and for all, and put an end to this part of my life. Leaving high school means leaving these little letters behind, letters I’ve poured everything I am into. I’m glad you’re my last, Eric. You’ve been the love I’ve had the longest and a love I don’t think will ever fade. I don’t ever want it to. 

Love forever, probably, your best friend, y/n y/l/n. On June 18th, 2018.

——————————————————

The paper in Eric’s hand ruffled as he tried to straighten it out. There were wrinkles on it and a bunch of edits and pen markings from different hands. Almost everyone wanted to make it perfect but the weight was on him to tell you and hope it reached you. He approached your room only to hear soft sobs from inside and pieces of words. Amalia, the person who helped him earlier today, was inside and murmuring to you. A lack of a closed door helped him hear her a bit more clearly. 

“I never meant for this to happen,” she seemed to whimper, voice quiet. It felt inappropriate to listen and Eric nearly dipped away but her next sentence caught his ear. 

“I sent the letters because I- I wanted to show you how many people you’ve touched, and how many people love you.” 

His eyebrows arched up, but a part of him wondered why he was even surprised. You were very secretive about these letters. It seemed only Sunwoo really knew you had them but he was convinced you’d only sent him them until he saw the one to Haknyeon. Eric only found out in January but he didn’t expect to get one himself, much less the eleven other boys that showed up over the past few weeks. It really never was your intention for anyone to see, then.

Softly, Amalia continued, seeming to lose her touch the more she spoke. She was almost a spool of yarn someone had rolled across a floor and Eric couldn’t help but understand. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t feel the same.

“You kept saying you were losing everyone and nobody would know if you disappeared but so many people would. I would and I- I do. I’m here, y/n. Please. Please wake up.”

With a definitive break in her voice, she whispered, “please, I miss you so much.”

Figuring he’d overheard enough, Eric took steps away and rested in a chair near the room, waiting for his chance. Instead, he looked over his very own papers and tried to read it over before he went in. In some way, it felt like rehearsing a script and he wanted it to be perfect. He wanted you to hear it the way he intended it, the way everyone else did too. Reading it again seemed to hurt more than he remembered it would. 

The sound of the chair scraping against the floor, rubber on the legs of it making the sound muted, filled the room once he entered. Amalia had put it back on the opposite side of the room, away from the ledge of your belongings which Eric eyed for a moment. He’d added his little bit of affection for you after reading your letter, hoping you’d remember which was his when you woke. 

A small exhale escaped his mouth, almost as if he was preparing for something he didn’t know how to handle. If he was being honest with himself, he didn’t think you’d hear him at all with this. All he could do was hope but that was wishful thinking. Thinking he didn’t know if he could afford to make, realistically. 

Sniffling for a moment, extending the paper before him after taking a small rub at his nose, he began to speak, praying that in the galaxy of your brain, he’d reach you. 

“Okay, y/n,” he breathed, a lack of courage sapping at his voice until he cleared his throat to say, “I don’t know if you can hear me but, here goes, I guess”

Straightening his paper out and mumbling little whispers of encouragement to himself, already feeling the tightness in his throat, he said, “We thought that- like me and Sunwoo and other people- we thought that, since you’ve written all of us a letter, it was about time you had one written to you.

“Sunwoo helped, and Amalia and Joon and- and basically everyone around. They all had something they wanted to say so it's here, I guess. In this paper, right here,” he hummed, waving the paper around lightly. Catching his ridiculousness, knowing you couldn’t see him, he paused and gave a laugh that lacked amusement. He was so nervous. 

“Everyone wanted to start at the beginning so they said I should be the one to say it to you. Sunwoo wanted to be here but he’s doing a few more tests now and I have to leave for school soon. It’s been a bit since I’ve been and I don’t think I can miss any more time.

“I wish I could hear your voice. I’m really nervous to leave home and study in the city. You said you were going too and we’d be in the same city but I don’t know which university you accepted. I don’t even know if you’re going anymore.”

Catching himself rambling, Eric tried to shift his focus back to the words scrawled on paper, desperately ignoring the nipping at his eyes. It was just the air conditioner, he lied to himself, trying to convince himself that it wasn’t the build up of emotions he’d been trying so hard to repress. 

“Sorry, I got distracted but, yeah. This letter is for you. Dear y/n, the person who brought so many people together, a sibling, a child, a best friend; you. It was hard figuring out where to start this letter but the basis of everyone’s answers when they thought of you was love. Maybe they were all letters you addressed to people but they held so much love.

“Without even knowing it, you touched so many hearts. If only you could see the ever growing list of affections next to you. There’s a basketball, a new makeup brush, a guitar pick, a plant, and empty Coca Cola bottle, this big lemonade cup from the fair in town, apparently, a book of poems, a mask from the dance we went to- do you remember that dance?”

Stuttering here, Eric looked up and locked eyes with his next artifact, murmuring, “th- Sunwoo’s grey sweater, a coffee cup with doodles on it, a toy train and- and my skateboard. They’re all here for you, things people remember you with everyday. A sweater Sunwoo can’t see without thinking of you, closing his eyes and remembering your smell on it. A skateboard I watched you fall from and rip your skin on. A train from Haknyeon, something he says is one of his favourite memories.”

Giving pause here, Eric nearly crumpled his paper, desperately pushing back a tear that fell without permission. He dipped his head down, taking a deep breath. It felt like he was shattering, reading it aloud. To himself, he could make the letter detached but having you in the room, hoping you’d hear it: it was too much for him. Slowly, he inhaled until his breath wavered less and less and he could speak clearer. 

“It’s all these things that showed everyone who visited the person you really were. We didn’t talk about our letters but we all knew. It was the look in everyone’s eyes, the delicacy in which we viewed you. It was like a bond between brothers, a circle linking everyone with you in the middle. You’re the puppet master, pulling us all in to meet each other for no other reason other than your love, which you spread so easily and willingly.

“You guard your heart but there’s gold underneath there. You’re kind and accepting. You’re sweet and you listen- genuinely listen- and you care for people, no matter who they are or how little you’ve known them. Anyone you meet, you treat them like a friend, even if you’re scared or awkward or nervous.”

If Eric closed his eyes, he could remember you walking up to him at such a young age and just thrusting your hand forward to pull him from the sand he fell in. You weren’t even in the same class and still, you came to help him out. How many times have you saved his ass without even realizing it?

The thought caused breakages in his heart and voice, fractures and fissures appearing nearly everywhere, as if his whole body was shattering from pressure. 

“It’s- it’s time you knew your worth,” he began, clenching his jaw in a feeble attempt to keep his composure, “you make people feel seen just as much as people make you feel seen. I don’t think you realize the way people love you, have loved you, continue to love you. We need you. More honestly, I need you. So please just- please just come back. Don’t leave me now. Not yet. We have our whole lives we need to see together. Together, y/n. Please.”

The way he crushed under the pressure of his words, emotions weighing in on every piece of his body until he bent and hid his face in the sheets of your bedroom. He wasn’t one for crying, or so he liked to think. It was childish. He was trying to be more grown up, but adult life didn’t prepare him for this: the loss of the one person that would probably make the biggest difference in his life. 

Water dripped on his paper but he could just put it to the side now. He said all he needed to say and it still didn’t take you out of your sleep. It still didn’t bring him back. All he was in this situation was useless, a puddle of nothing. He couldn’t help you. He couldn’t even try. All he could do was sit there and cry, hide in your sheets and pray it was all a dream. Every night, that’s what he did and it didn’t seem to work but it didn’t matter. Anything for the shadow of your voice again. Anything to feel like you were still there.

The stiffness of fingers in his hair was enough to give him pause. There was an obvious attempt to brush through his locks but it was almost unnatural, like whoever was doing it didn’t know how to move anymore. 

Lifting his head, partially not wanting it to be you so you wouldn’t see him as broken as this, he met your eyes. They were only slits, the slightest bit open and maybe blurred, but it was you. A little smile pinched at your cheeks, fingers sliding through his hair a bit smoother now.

“Why… why are y… you crying?” The question came out in stages, throat obviously parched and creaking from a lack of use, but it didn’t matter. It was you. Eric would have laughed, bringing your hand down to hold it as he leaned further into you to hear your words, words which pushed him to chuckle when he never thought he would have. 

“Big baby.”

1-4: So my foreign boys Jacob & Eric are here just bc i feel like thicker women are more normalized in Western culture and therefore I feel like they’d be less prejudiced about it? i suppose? Eric is 4th tho because i feel like he’s more neutral but Jacob is first just bc toronto mans wilding tbh. Idk why I feel like this about Sunwoo but with Haknyeon it’s definitely bc he likes to nom that food

5-8: I put these four here because they seem the most neutral and more so the type to not ? care as much? Like your body is your body and that’s not necessarily what they’re looking for? however i feel like changmin would definitely love to be the type to share clothing and since hes big skinny, i put him closer to the bottom

—————————

Dear Kim Sunwoo, 

I’m drafting this with you in the room. You’re looking at me right now, actually- no, now you’re back at your notepad. You’ve got a dumb smile on your face, and a shirt that’s way too big for you on your chest. I could look at you forever sometimes, like when you’re focused on writing or when you’re drifting off to sleep. We’ve been friends for so long that it scares me to be thinking this but here we are. There you are. Here’s the start of many love letters I hope to be writing to you.

——————————

Early December, 2016

Following the events of October, your entire friend group seemed to be imploding. Hyunjoon was busy with dance, really starting to take it seriously and looking for academies to apply to after high school. He seemed to be missing in action and Amalia went with him, using it as an excuse to spend more time with him. Sunwoo was also in and out of school, training taking up much of his life. Jace had been suspended for a few days in October but, afterwards, refused to face you or anyone other than Shankeri, really. Keri had plans to get out of this town, claiming it was exhausting and suffocating. That was something you couldn’t disagree with, feeling loneliness slip into your bones easily. When you walked home from school, passing diners and parks your group used to laugh loudly in, you felt much like you did in grade nine: lost and alone without a silver lining to your cloud. 

The bell for one of your classes snapped you out of your thoughts in a jiffy, eyes blinking a bit to try and keep up with students already piling out the door and some packing up. Your chemistry teacher had given up trying to give final tips after the bell, though you did offer him a sympathetic smile as you passed by his desk and out the door. Hauling your textbook, now a little frayed from being knocked out of your arms and sliding across the floor in October, you began your slow walk to your locker. 

Lunch time again. If you closed your eyes, you could see it all again. For some reason, you couldn’t keep it out of your head, the sight of Changmin’s body being slammed against the locker showing up behind your eyes whenever you blinked. You hardly noticed the raise in voices as you neared your locker, though a particularly loud scream ripped you from your stupor. 

“Kim Sunwoo!” 

The voice was piercing and sharp, but not meaning to be malicious or scared. The girl sounded like she was in love, calling out for her long lost love. You turned your attention to a cluster of girls, some holding signs and others with pens and notebooks, all looking down the hall for your friend to come walking down. You found the sight stomach churning, large crowds in thin hallways like this making you feel suffocated. Your hand hovered over the lock on your door and, instead of daring to open it, you turned on your heel and walked the opposite direction of the crowd. 

I’ll just hold my textbook for the rest of the day, whatever, you thought, suddenly bitter and wanting to be left alone. There was no such luck for you that day though.

A yelp escaped your mouth as you were tugged to your left, the squeak of a door coupling your voice. You nearly dropped your book again but clasped it tightly against your chest, feet struggling to get a hold of what was happening but you stayed on your toes. You were whirled in a circle to face your captor, room you were pulled in so small that you hardly had space to breathe. They were flush with your textbook, as your back was with the wall behind you, and the door through which you came closed so you had no idea where you were. 

With a small switch of a light, you were met with Sunwoo, who raised his finger to his lips immediately, begging for you to be quiet. You nearly shoved at him but realized there was nowhere for him to go unless you broke a hole in the wall and, while that was an idea, you found yourself pausing. Your eyes connected within a heartbeat and the happy film he kept over the deep brown of them slipped away. He sighed and you saw the exhaustion beneath his skin, creating bags and premature wrinkles. 

“I’m so tired, y/n,” he breathed, coming to lean his head forwards on your shoulder. It was clearly an uncomfortable position for him but he didn’t move, mumbling, “I’ve been trying to avoid them all day but they’re everywhere I go.”

The panic from his touch made your brain malfunction, tongue not being able to form a sentence that pertained to the situation. All you could think of stuttering was, “S- Sunwoo do- don’t you think this looks suspicious like wh- what if they find us or-?”

He just shrugged, finally lifting up his head, hands coming up to cradle his forehead as he did so. “Doesn’t matter. We’re friends, right? We’re with each other all the time.”

“We used to be,” you pointed out, a slight pout on your lips. You didn’t meet his eyes, legs shifting your weight back and forth. You could feel his thighs against yours as you did so and suddenly stopped, surprised to think about the way his touch felt. Still, you were presently aware of where he was pressing into you, knees tapping each others and stomach against your hands. 

A small pause drifted through the air, one thick and full of questions. Sunwoo gave himself the time to think, asking a question you imagined scared him. 

“Are you upset at me for getting casted?”

It was hard not to bring your eyes up to meet his, sadness lingering in there. He looked so entirely vulnerable, something you hardly ever got to see. This would only come out when he was deep in his writing or just woken up from a nap. He was entirely unfiltered, quiet and young. If you pressed your hand into his chest just a bit more, you were sure you’d feel the pulse of nervousness, reading it his lips when he pulled one in to chew on its corner. 

“Sunwoo, no,” you murmured quietly, immediately feeling sorry for acting the way you did, “of course not. How could I be? You’re happy.”

“But you’re alone more now,” he shot back, like he could see right through you. As he kept speaking, you had the strangest feeling like he’d peered into your mind and read what was wrong. “I don’t want you to feel like you did in grade nine, when all of your friends were so far away.”

You blinked, not knowing what to say. Quickly though, you managed, “I can make new friends too, Woo.”

“I don’t want you to. Amalia, Hyunoon, and I, we should try harder. ” Sunwoo’s words were definitive, like they were hardened and immovable. You didn’t know what to say, some form of sadness nipping at your eyes. You were happy but also upset and sorry that he felt this way. An incessant need in your heart made you want to seem strong in front of everyone but there he was, seeing through all the walls you tried so hard to put up. Maybe he could see it too, that you’d removed your film around him. Your eyes were just as vulnerable. You were just as open. 

It was difficult for you to figure out what to say in response, your eyes tilting downwards to avoid crying and feeling entirely pathetic. Silence drifted through the room but it wasn’t uncomfortable but rather solemn. He meant what he said and wasn’t going to go back on it.

“Y/n,” he started, voice soft. One of his hands grasped your shoulder and you didn’t pull away at the touch. Your name sounded so natural falling from his lips, no sign of a joke  coming on. There was a seriousness about him, one you knew you couldn’t take lightly. So, you waited with bated breath, not knowing what he was going to say next. 

Yet, in a split second, his ears seemed to perk up like a kitten’s would, eye drifting from your face to the closed door, mind far off and focused. You tried to follow his moves but didn’t understand what he was listening for, straining to hear something. 

“It’s finally quiet,” he exhaled, looking genuinely relieved. You knew he admired his fans as they admired him but it was taking its toll on him. He was the only famous person for miles so people were eating him up for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. It was no surprise he had no energy left in him.

“Well, we should go eat lunch,” you suggested, finding a way to escape your sudden breathlessness and leaning to grasp the handle to the door but he beat you to it. His hand was there in a flash, covering the metal before you could touch it and you pulled your hand back. 

“What-”

His mouth was plastered with a large grin, one that meant a bad idea . You knew it all too well and yet, you were still caught off guard by it. As his eyes glinted in the dim lighting, he asked his ridiculous question. 

“Wanna skip school with me?”

You spluttered around like a fish for a second before returning back to your last word. “W-what?”

“Come on, it’ll be fun,” he mused, notching his head to the side. His hair wasn’t filled with any product so it fell softly and was easily manipulated by the air. Despite it being a dumb idea, you couldn’t help but nod yes, arms wrapping further around your textbook as if to brace yourself. 

Sunwoo’s smile only became more natural, broadening into something kind and grateful. He explained he would leave first, grab his stuff from his locker and text you when he was out next to his car. Then, you could leave and follow him out but it had to be inconspicuous. 

“I can’t have any scandals,” he murmured, looking a bit nervous as he bit down on his bottom lip. You snorted. 

“Maybe you should’ve thought about that before you dragged me into a storage closet, stupid,” you chided, leaving a light pat on his chest instead of your usual smack. He definitely noticed that, smiling slightly before sliding past you, bidding you goodbye for the moment. 

It didn’t take long before you were face to face again, chemistry book long forgotten in your locker and winter jacket on. It wasn’t too cold, surprisingly, but you weren’t taking any chances with your grades. You couldn’t get sick and suddenly miss class. As you fixed a hat over your head, thin mittens with the fingers cut off hiding your palms, you neared the car with a wave. The boy was only wearing a thick grey hoodie, his favourite one with his university of choice imprinted on its front. His hood was on but he was cold, lips pursed outwards to blow air on his hands. 

“Get in faster, come on, come on,” he said, rushed as he unlocked the door to his car and quickly climbed in. You discarded your bag in his back seat before moving to the passenger seat door and swiftly seating yourself. Sunwoo was hunched over, blowing hot air on his hands as you fixed your seatbelt around you. 

“Need some help?” You offered your covered hands, thrusting them forwards. Despite the high sun, his car was no better than the outside. The boy looked at you for a moment, unsure of what you meant. Leaning forwards, you grasped at his hands and rubbed at them softly, hoping the friction would help. He was quiet for once, watching the movement before quickly retracting one hand to turn on the heat. 

“Better?” you asked, feeling some sort of tug in your chest but deciding to ignore it. He was unusually silent, giving you a nod before forcing out a thank you. It went silent for a moment, his phone not connecting to the bluetooth system so no music streamed in and filled the space. Once you pulled your hands away, resting them in your lap, you quickly decided to have a change of pace, trying to find something to talk about.

“So, how do you even have access to that room?” you asked, quirking up an eyebrow as you got comfortable in the passenger seat of his car. 

He shrugged, seemingly grateful for the new topic. As he settled and put his own belt on, he spoke. “Bribed the janitor, I guess.” 

You gaped. “You what?” 

There was something bashful about his voice and the way his lips formed around words, pink forming very lightly on his slightly browned skin. “I- I promised him a signed picture of me for his daughter if I could have the key to that room to escape.” 

“Wow,” you drawled, smiling out of amusement at his story, “Mr. Kim Sunwoo. Famous enough to use signed pictures to get what he wants.” 

“Shut up,” he chuckled as he started the car, but you could tell he was embarrassed by it slightly. You let it slide but he could see the imprints of jokes on your cheekbones and the way your nose bunched up when you grinned. 

“Stop!” he protested, pulling out of his parking spot carefully but stealing glances at you. 

“I’m not doing anything,” you pushed back, but you fixed him with a look that bore into him, begging to tease him further. 

“Th- That face!” He was stirred up, but he was beginning to chuckle too. “Stop looking at me with that face!”

“What face?” You played the fool, even pulling up your phone to give yourself a small look-over. “This is just my face, Sunwoo.”

“Stop,” he laughed, “you know what you’re doing.”

“Yeah, I’m just looking at you,” you hummed, though you could feel the way your heart filled slowly with this. It was so easy to fall into a pattern with him, bickering your main form of expression. None of it was harmful or mean, but it was nitpicky and fun. He was so easy for you, seeming to understand things about you that you didn’t realize yourself. 

Maybe he was the glue keeping your group together and that’s why him leaving was making you guys fall apart; but in that moment, you didn’t feel like you were breaking to pieces. You weren’t hanging out with a soon to be idol, or someone whose future was bigger than you could even imagine. You were just with Kim Sunwoo, your friend. The boy with the grey hoodie and the loud mouth. The boy who ran after you to give you back paintbrushes. Sometimes even your best friend. It was easy for you to be with him, which meant it was easy for you to miss him. You didn’t realize just how much you had until then.

“You don't think you'll get noticed at a bowling place?” You were suddenly nervous, walking towards the building shoulder to shoulder with Sunwoo. He looked past the edge of his hoodie at you, fully circular eyes hooded with relaxation. 

He shrugged. “They already know I'm not in class, which is what I'll get reprimanded for. Doubt they'll care where I was.” 

“With who though?” you countered, going to open the door but he beat you to it. He held the heavy door open with his foot, motioning for you to go ahead. The second he did so, warmth immediately beckoned you forwards and you rushed to get in. Another shrug fell from his shoulders. 

“Doesn't matter.”

As you rubbed at your arms lightly, hoping to retain some warmth, you snorted. “One second you're afraid of scandals and the next, you hardly care.”

“You can argue that was an hour ago,” Sunwoo pointed out, annoying smile tugging at his lips. 

“You got what I meant,” you chuckled despite yourself, giving into the way his mouth twitched to grin. 

“Can’t say I did,” he pestered, being just as teasing as you were earlier and you knew why. He was just leveling the playing field, something you did often. This time, you didn’t let him have the satisfaction, conceding quickly. 

“Okay, Sunwoo,” you chimed, knowing it would gnaw at him more. His jaw dropped, tongue working at saying how unfair that was as you approached the service desk. 

To your left, multiple bowling alleys stretched out before you, each of them empty. You supposed the middle of the day on a Wednesday wasn't particularly a hot time but thought that maybe someone else would be there. Yet, it was just you, Sunwoo, and the woman behind the desk who was looking extremely bored. She seemed to perk up at your arrival, straightening her back and removing her chin from her hands. You hardly noticed the wave she gave you, much too caught up in Sunwoo’s antics, but gave her a faint smile back, not knowing what else to do. Sunwoo’s voice travelled through the empty hall, swerving through pinball machines and claw games until the end of the walls. The smell of popcorn and corn dogs filled your nose and somehow, you weren't bothered by it. 

“Good afternoon,” the woman crooned, a sparkle in her eye drawing you inwards. Sunwoo stopped his rambling a second before she spoke, turning his full attention to her. A small gasp fell from between her two front teeth as she took in his face, hands stacking on each other in front of her mouth. 

“You- you’re that rapper boy! That Kim Sunwoo, right?” 

A small blush appeared on his cheeks. In an instant, he became a bit more tense, shoulders freezing to push them back and hands coming to remove the hood from his head. God, you thought, shaking your head at him, did he really think a hoodie would be enough of a disguise? Almost on instinct, he bent a bit to say hello politely, lifting his head afterwards. She clicked her tongue in response. 

“Oh honey,” she sighed, waving her hand to have him stop, “don't bother yourself with all of that. I just didn't expect to see you at this time is all. Relax now, come on.” 

Sunwoo smiled a bit, saying okay but not really following her instructions. You gave the woman a shy look as well, hoping she wouldn't think something of you being here alone together. Yet, she didn't mention it at all. Instead, she just asked for shoe sizes and disappeared into the back. The boy beside you gave you an apologetic look, worry written across his cheeks. 

“Hey,” you murmured, grasping at a portion of his hand without thought, “it’s fine. Like you said, it's no big deal. We’re just bowling.” 

“But-” 

His protest was cut off by the woman bustling forwards out of the room, two boxes in her hands. With a bright grin, she handed one to you and one to Woo, looking very proud of herself. 

“These are brand new! I needed an excuse to throw out some old ones and put these on the shelf and now I have a reason.”

You began to open the box but Sunwoo’s hand clasped on top of it, his mouth working fast.

“No thank you,” he started, sounding determined, “there's no need for this. We'll take the regular shoes.” 

“Please, I insist.” The woman's smile seemed to falter for a moment, like she was worried she'd done something wrong. As you put the cap back on the box, you brought it forwards to the counter and placed it down. 

“I insist as well.”

The interaction was tense for a moment before the woman gave in and took the boxes back. When she came back out and handed you a pair of regular shoes, you finally caught her name from beneath her long grey hair. When she moved it from the front of her chest, you found yourself reading Hwasoon and kept the name looked in your brain. 

“That was weird,” you whispered to Sunwoo as you walked to an alley of your choice. You were meant to put your shoes on away from the front desk, where she couldn't hear. 

“I'm sorry,” he murmured, looking embarrassed once more. He didn't have to explain himself. You knew he just wanted to feel normal. 

“No need to apologize.” 

The look he gave you in return was softer, as were his shoulders and the features on his face. You could feel his walls being taken down brick by brick when he looked at you like that. Except you hadn't come crashing in or anything like that. It was just that, slowly, he was beginning to trust you more and more. You hoped he could sense it within you too, that you were trying to be more candid with him. His smile was kind now and entirely bare of anything but gladness to have someone he found comfort in. You returned it.

The world seemed to whirl around you as you began your setup to play. After punching in your names and switching into your shoes, you let Sunwoo wander and find suitably weighted bowling balls for him. Casting your phone in your jacket pocket, you turned the ringer off and sighed, wanting to be free of distractions. Once the boy returned, you went looking for bowling balls that suited your fancy, picking them up and weighing them while Sunwoo went back to ask for Hwasoon to open a particular alley for you. She complied, giving him a small bowl of popcorn complimentary. You even thought you heard her say sorry, your eyes very much following the grey hoodie around the room and discarding your current task. They both proceeded to bow shallowly at each other, Sunwoo just a few more times before coming back to you.

To pretend like you were doing something, you grasped at a few lighter bowling balls and picked them up, saying they were for you. Woo wiggled the bowl at you before putting it down on a seat, now going to the hem of his sweater. 

“Aren't you warm?” He looked at you with your hat still on, mittens still covering your hands.

“Not yet,” you murmured, turning your gaze to the alley in front of you. Music began playing louder over the stereo system above you and you were glad for it. It created the atmosphere for competition but, mostly, it seemed to relax Sunwoo. He stretched a bit, trying to intimidate you before grinning, grasping a ball, and going to play. 

It was beautiful seeing him so free. Every time he was going up, he gave you a look dead in your eyes like he was going to beat you. Every time you went up, he shot a heckle at you through laughter. Despite the hair in his eyes, you could see the brightness in them, giggles dripping through his teeth at little jokes and the times you missed. He mocked you for requesting the bumpers up, claiming he was better than that but then proceeded to miss his shot. You snorted, popping a piece of popcorn in your mouth. 

Between games, because you’d collectively paid for two, you shot little pieces of popcorn at him as he ran around trying to catch them with his mouth. Most landed in his palms, but he liked to scream when he nailed it. Doing this reminded you of Juyeon for the moment but Sunwoo sweeping you up to grab something to eat was enough to get the boy out of your mind in an instant. 

“I’ll get it,” he grinned, insisting on it as he moved up to the counter and asked for nachos, requesting the biggest plate. What was brought out was absolutely horrid but you ate it up together, complaining and giggling and sitting side by side. You hardly noticed how close you’d gotten to him until you could feel his shoulder firmly against yours. 

It was hard not to feel the heat on your cheeks when you looked at the boy, clad in all black with browned hair to match. His eyes were crinkled at the ends, nose scrunched up as his lips spread evenly across his face for a smile to rest on them. There was something inviting about him, warm and comforting but exciting still. You were starting to feel tingles run up your arm where he touched you and little smiles started making your heart race. 

A part of you wondered if he always felt this way to you and you just pushed it down for the sake of your friend group. Yet, Amalia never did. You were never forced to push down anything, forcing feelings down your throat like you did with Juyeon. No, it was your choice to never notice his advances or act on them. You said no to his sideways glances but, thinking back on it, he was always there. He was always a support, someone who brought colour back to your skin and life to your laughter. Maybe you were just never ready to face it until now and seeing him like this was enough to change your perspective. Secretly, you wished to be ready to face it now. 

The drive home was quiet, music filling the air lazily. You could still hear the way the car rumbled across uneven roads and the whir of his engine. It surely wasn’t supposed to make noise but you figured he’d figure that you soon enough. Sunwoo had a silly smile on his face, one hand on the wheel comfortably while the other rested in his lap. You had your legs tucked in to your chest, arms wrapped around them and chin resting on your knees. With what space you had in your seat, you faced yourself towards him and just watched as he drove, hummed along, and caught your eye. Desperately, you wanted to reach over and grasp his hand, the events of the day filling your heart with gold. Still, you stopped yourself. You were scared. You didn’t want to ruin a perfect day. 

As you pulled up in front of your house, you requested a walk around the block, making up an excuse you didn’t even remember. When you extended your hat towards Woo, he reluctantly took the bait and began his little stroll, not waiting for you to get out of the car. Typical. You hurried to keep up with him, tripping forwards and grasping onto his arm for support. Slowly, you slipped your arm through his, surprised at how forwards you were being. Sunwoo seemed surprised but instantly melted against you. 

“Date me,” he murmured as you neared your house again, voice barely audible over the wind that was picking up as day quickly turned into night. 

You blinked. The request was enough to stop you in your tracks, the arm you had around his own pulling him backwards. A part of you thought you had misheard until he repeated it, confidence making his words drip out just a bit louder. 

“Date me, y/n,” he said, like he practiced how and when he was going to ask, “please. Or- or you don’t have to date me but at least give me a chance.”

“I- Sunwoo, what-”

He shook his head, ready to explain. “I’ve liked you ever since I first saw you, like that first day when you literally fell over in front of me and looked like the biggest mess ever: I’ve liked you ever since then. I’ve wanted to ask before but I didn’t know when or if I had a chance or if you liked me back but I feel like this is it. This feels like this is it and I’m never going to get another chance if I don’t ask now so please. Please date me.”

The feelings in your heart swelled, confused and happy all at once. Still, your mind had a way of shutting things down for you, immediately going into panic-mode. 

“B- but you’re going to be an idol now, Sunwoo. You can’t afford any scandals, you said so yourself.”

“That’s the best part, y/n,” he seemed to plead, something desperate in his voice, “we’re already friends. Everyone knows that and it wouldn’t be weird to see us out together, just like you said earlier. It would be okay.”

“What if you want to do something like- like, I don’t know, like hold my hand? Or kiss me?” You hoped the question would pose a challenge but it didn’t at all. He just shrugged. 

“Nobody has to see it, right? I could do it now.” 

His hand fell from the front pocket of his hoodie and clasped onto yours softly. There was a hammering in your chest you couldn’t deny, not as his movements inched you forwards bit by bit. It was hard to deny the way your breath caught in your throat, hands shaking from the cold and his touch. You couldn’t take your eyes from his, hair trying to block your way but there was no way you could look away. The chocolate of them held the seriousness of the whole situation. 

The opposite hand of his came up to graze the exposed part of your neck, touching so lightly and still, he let your jaw upwards the slightest bit. “How about now?”

Feeling like gelatine in his arms, all you could do was whisper a very small, “okay.”

This stopped him, vulnerability returning to him. He suddenly became softer in every aspect of the word and you found yourself melting into him once more, as if you were a perfect fit. You prayed he could feel it too, that the pounding of your heart wasn’t to be ignored. 

“Okay?” The near silence of his voice was enough to confirm your thoughts. All you could do was nod, closing your eyes and grinning lightly. 

“Okay.”

The word was nearly swallowed by his lips touching yours. It was perfect. The only thing missing maybe was a bit of snowfall but that came at night, when you lay in bed and kept grinning at the thought of him. You felt so much like a high schooler in that moment and you loved it. You wanted to feel young and he gave it to you. He gave you your youth back. 

———————————

That day really was the turning point for us. It didn’t just change our friendship but it changed our friend group too. We were suddenly two couples who went out as friends but nobody knew about it. It was a little secret we proceeded to keep between us four, sharing glances and giggles when people murmured about how close me, you, Amalia, and Joon were. Though, it didn’t come without its downfalls, of course. Studying with you became more difficult until we found something that worked. Finding alone time and having to keep our hands from drifting into each other’s was a constant effort. Is a constant effort, more like it, but I don’t mind it. I don’t mind any of it as long as it’s with you.

———————————

Late January 2017

You were sitting in front of your typewriter, excited to start typing out a letter to Sunwoo. These had become a ritual when you wanted to let go of someone but, somehow, sitting down this time became a completely different event. It wasn’t your intention to let him see it until much later. You thought maybe it would be your one year anniversary and you could gift him a box of monthly notes, along with a few other things. A part of you realized that, yes, you were getting ahead of yourself but you couldn’t help it. 

Hardly before had you found yourself grinning without thought but now you were doing it so often. Even your parents picked up on your giddiness around the house, willingness to do chores and cook food increasing. 

“You seem happy,” your dad mumbled one day through chews of a croissant, newspaper in hand and glasses at the bridge of his nose. His hair had turned from a classic black to grey at the roots and you wondered when exactly that started to happen. 

With a shrug, you finished wiping down the counter he was eating at, careful to catch the final crumbles of his snack. “Just glad first semester is over, I guess.”

“And that Sunwoo’s home, right?” He glanced at you over the brim of his glasses, knowing and teasing look in his eyes. You supposed the way you hesitated was enough of a tell but your dad just laughed and folded his newspaper, shaking his head. 

“Kids these days,” he hummed, sticking the paper under his arm and going to wash his hands, “they think their parents are clueless.”

The scene replayed in your head more than it should. Your relationship with Sunwoo wasn’t defined by much yet, you were just going out, watching television, kissing sometimes. It never went further because you were hardly alone and, when you were, it was for brief moments. Still, you wondered how your father had picked up on the way you shifted around him. You could’ve sworn you stayed the same in large gatherings when Hyunjoon and Amalia could spare some time to have pizza dinners with you and Sunwoo and the rest of your family at home. 

“I don’t see a difference,” Amalia stated over the phone, voice much too close to her microphone. She told you she was painting her toenails so you imagined her with her shoulder pressing her phone against her ear, polish going on slowly. 

You leaned back in your seat, leg drifting you in lazy circles as your eyes met the ceiling. “I just don’t get it then. Why would he say that?”

Amalia must’ve shrugged because the sound of fabric now filled your ears before a small curse from her end filtered through. She said that she was putting you on speaker and finished what she wanted to say before.

“Parents are psychic, you know? My parents knew I liked Joon before I even knew it.”

You snorted. “You knew like the second week of grade nine.”

“And they knew before me,” she retorted, to which you gave a genuine laugh at. A knock at your door caused you to turn to face it, door sliding open. 

“Mom wants you,” Haymond informed you, hand resting lightly on the door knob. There was something tense on his face but you supposed it was just leftover stress from exam season ending. A nod slipped from your head and, before you could explain you had to hang up, Amalia already knew. 

“I heard him,” she chimed, “go hang with your mom. We’ll talk later. I’ve been meaning to ask about the English class next semester anyways.”

You hummed instead of giving a proper goodbye and placed down your phone on your desk, typewriter with few words discarded in the course of your conversation. Haymond was slipping back into his room as you came into the small hallway and he gave you a faint smile. 

“What’s she want?” you whispered, still going down the stairs. Your brother gave you a small shrug, though he seemed to know more than he let on. You clicked your tongue and went the rest of the way downstairs only to see your parents sitting at the dinner table, whispering among themselves. 

Your father was the first to see you, plastered smile on his lips. It was obviously meant to be encouraging but all it did was cause a pang of fear to rush through you. Your parents went silent, though your mother beckoned you forwards, getting up to untuck a seat for you. Looking between them, you narrowed your eyes and murmured, “what’s going on?”

Your mother gave your father a side glance, hands folded on the table in front of her. Her back was straighter than usual and she seemed distressed. Her hair was back in a tight bun, suddenly long enough for that to be practical. It felt weird but sometimes it was like you hardly knew your parents or what they looked like. You were so caught up in your life that you hardly realized theirs had been progressing alongside yours the whole time. 

“We’re worried about you,” your father started, unnaturally crooning tone fitting his voice. It was desperate to be comforting but you didn’t understand where it was coming from, eyes blinking back blankly.

Your mother decided to take the next few words carefully. “Y/n, we’re worried about who you’re dating.”

That seemed to be a wrong foot to start off on. It simultaneously scared you and put a sour taste in your mouth. You wondered what they knew, and how they knew it, figuring you hadn’t told anyone else but your closest friends and then- Haymond. That’s why he was acting so weird, you knew something was up.

“Look, I don’t know what Haymond told you but-”

“Haymond didn’t tell us anything,” Dad hurried, shaking his hands and head in time with each other.

“We figured it out ourselves. We’ve been paying attention to you a lot lately, especially since you met Raven and all of those things happened at school.” The way your parents avoided properly speaking about what you’d seen happen to Changmin irked you even more. You found yourself pursing your lips, jaw clenching without much thought. 

“Listen, it’s difficult dating anyone but an idol- or a soon-to-be idol- that’s different, okay? It’s way more… dangerous,” your mother attempted, lingering on words she was unsure of. There was something in you that understood she was just trying to look out for you but it wasn’t enough to overrule the budding anger in you. 

“You don’t know about his contract,” your father added, trying to give you some practicality. You simply sat there in your chair, pushing down words you could say in return, arguments you had to fight back. They won’t listen anyways, you grumbled internally, knowing how it felt to talk to them when they had their minds made up.

“And- and people are mean, y/n,” your mother murmured, realizing she was losing you to the confines of your mind. Her hand lightly cupped yours, desperate to try and get you to meet her eyes. “They’re going to say things about you and about him and it could be so dangerous for the both of you.”

“We don’t want that for you.” 

A stillness fell over the room, one of unrequited affections in the moment. Your parents were desperately trying to reach out to you and you realized it but something made you angrier- more upset than ever before. It was like everywhere you turned, you were faced with a no. With Juyeon, it was your love for Haymond stopping you. With Eric, it was distance stopping you. With Amalia, it was a new relationship she was discovering with Hyunjoon stopping you. No matter where you turned, there was something pulling you back, confining you to your room in this house, alone and isolated. Yet, you’d finally found someone who said yes to you and still, there your parents were, trying to stand in your way.

You wouldn’t have it. Not this time, not when you were finally starting to feel like one piece of your massively overwhelming puzzle was placed correctly. 

“We want to protect you,” Mom whispered, concern lacing every movement. She squeezed your hand and, despite yourself, you found your eyes bearing in on hers. The details in there were hard to understand, swirls of multiple different emotions drifting into and apart from each other. 

There was not much you could say or wanted to in that moment. All you really wanted was to be alone, which you asked for politely. Your parents reluctantly agreed, asking for another conversation later on. That one wouldn’t be as calm, you knew it. Not listening to them when they were trying to be nice was a mistake but you were willing to get into a bout with them at another time. For now, you wanted to chew on their words and rip them apart in ways that would only hurt your feelings. 

Walking up the stairs, you kept your head down until you heard a door shut. Haymond was standing in the hall near your room, giving you a small and sympathetic look. 

“What are you doing in my room?” you hissed, rushing up to face him. Your brother staggered back a moment before holding up a pen. 

“I just needed thi-”

“Yeah well, next time, ask,” you snipped, snatching the writing utensil from his hand and going back into your room. It took everything out of you to not slam the door shut, though the noise it made wasn’t exactly quiet.

You wanted to disappear. It was like life was going in cycles of amazing to horrible and you didn’t know what to expect next. One day would be fine and the next would be black and you couldn’t keep up. All it was doing was ripping you to shreds and you just wanted to lie down and sleep until all your problems solved themselves. Only they wouldn’t without you trying. 

The thought made tears nip at your eyes and you hissed for being this upset about small talk. Your parents couldn’t logically control your life and you didn’t want them to but they would bug you endlessly about Sunwoo. Most people would just do what they wanted but, as you were constantly reminded, you weren’t like most people. There wasn’t a moment you didn’t feel restricted by other people, things, situations- anything. You were restrained but trying to reach for a life where you weren’t. How bold it seemed of you to even try now.

Time slipped through your fingers and you hardly went to go and pick up your phone when it buzzed. Some were texts and some were calls but it would take a lot more to rip you from the ball you’d formed of your body atop your bed. Eventually those stopped too. You’d have to tell Amalia about it soon enough but you couldn’t bring yourself to explain any of your emotions. You didn’t even really understand them yourself. 

It was only when you started to hear a pelting at your window did you get up. Some kids on your street had started doing this to Jaehyun’s house, knowing the room was empty and trying to crack the window. You, on the other hand, were ready to give them a piece of your mind. 

You ripped the curtains to the side and slid the window open, sticking your head out with a curse on your tongue. Only, you were met with a pebble striking the skin on your cheek and Sunwoo’s wide eyes, hands now covering his mouth. 

“Wha- what are you doing here?” you hissed as you cupped your cheek, glad for the quiet of the neighbourhood. It was a wonder he heard you at all but he didn’t respond at all. 

“Holy shit, are you okay?” 

The question was loaded without him knowing it. You just rubbed at your face, giving him a shrug and feeling the anger sap from your bones. His hair was parted so you could see his forehead but he still refused to wear a winter jacket, grey sweater now looking bigger on him than it did before. Idol preparations were surely taking their toll on him. 

“Come hang out with me,” he crooned, not a direct demand but you knew he wanted to see you. Not responding quickly must’ve given him a scare but not responding at all was completely out of character for you. 

“I’m on house arrest,” you said, trying not to be too loud in case you were heard over the television downstairs.

Sunwoo pouted, not knowing what to say. There was a beat of silence where you simply stared at each other and he took an unconscious step forwards. You slumped down against your windowsill, leaning your head on your arms. 

“Wait there,” you murmured as you made up your mind. You grasped a thin blanket from your closet and slipped on warmer clothes quickly before embarking down the stairs. 

As you typed a quick text to Sunwoo, you caught your mother’s eye and paused in the front hall. The courage it took you to speak was overwhelming in that moment, shoving all negative feelings to the side as you said, “Sunwoo’s just outside. He asked if we could see each other for a bit.”

Your father had begun lowering the volume to his television as your mother straightened from her slumped position against his shoulder. Without any words, she looked between you and the ground before reluctantly giving you a nod. 

“Don’t stay out too late. It’s… it’s cold,” she hummed. The look of concern didn’t leave her face, not even as your father rubbed small circles into her arm and beckoned her to lean her head back on his shoulder.

Winter air nipped at your nose, making sure to leave little red marks on your skin but you were prepared with two hats and scarves for the both of you. Woo poked his head around the corner of your home at the sound of your door opening. The rest of his body followed as he smiled, rushing to give you a hug. For some reason, when he did so, you clung to him harder than before. 

“Hey,” he whispered, warm air rushing past your ear, “are you alright?”

Sunwoo wrapped his arms around you in the back of his dad’s truck, chest pressed against your back. His breath moved the smallest of hairs just above your temple, cheek pressed against your head and he just listened. There wasn’t an air of judgement and he didn’t seem hurt by what your parents said. He just listened and held you, keeping you perfectly sheltered between his legs. When it went silent, he let that happen too, probably thinking it was what you needed. 

“I just want to forget about everything but you.”

There was hardly a response to that too. You wondered briefly if he was paying attention until-

“Then let’s do that,” he murmured, hands sliding until they fit perfectly into yours. The blanket you’d brought with you hid you from the chin down but you were still cold in places Sunwoo’s body couldn’t cover. You felt held by him and the winter stillness, night sky stretching up above you and clouds unmoving. The world felt like it had paused when he said that and you closed your eyes, happy to live in a little time warp for the moment. 

“Let’s just be each other’s everything for a little bit.”

———————————

I know I said it in the beginning that this is the start of many love letters and blah blah but… but I’m writing this letter in hopes of this being my last one. I want to love you forever. I’ve written so many of these to so many boys and I just want to stop/ I want it to be you. Sometimes, I feel it in my heart that it is you. Maybe I’ve always felt it. I don’t know and it doesn’t matter because now I’m sure. Now I know what I want, and I never want that to change. I want you and I never want that to change. 

Thank you for showing me what it means to feel loved. We haven’t said it yet but I want you to know that I’ve loved you from now. I don’t think I’ll ever stop. 

Then, until next time, y/n y/l/n. On February 14th, 2017.

———————————

Hyunjoon sat down in the living room, rather awkwardly, he’d say. The sofa to his left was taken up by you and the other two boys, who seemed rather enticed with the truth you were spilling. You had to explain all you’d explained to him in the car just earlier but, this time, you did it much clearer. It was like he was the run through and this was the actual play, not that he minded. He loved hearing you ramble, but it was better you didn’t here. Haymond didn’t seem up to playing games today.

“But that’s my best friend, y/n,” he pressed, line forming between his brows. You seemed to grasp at strings and it was the only time Hyunjoon felt the need to interfere.

“I think y/n’s allowed to like anyone. They didn’t act on it for a reason,” he said politely, though trying to defend you. The look you exchanged was innocent but grateful and he pressed a smile on his lips to give you encouragement. 

“I had to write it or else I- I couldn’t get over it, Haym,” you explained, hands folded in front of you and eyes now trained on them, “If I saw it on paper then that’s the only place it existed and- and I could move past it. I have moved past it.”

The last statement definitely threw the other dancer off balance. Juyeon kicked his eyes up from the floor, searching for some sort of solace in you but you gave him none. Hyunjoon knew where your heart lied- where it had always lied. He felt bad for his friend.

“S- so you didn’t do anything?”

Juyeon clicked his tongue, getting up from his seat as he huffed, “god, Haymond, is that really all you care about right now?”

Hyunjoon took a step towards the boy but he just turned his back to the attempt. Joon was now back to awkwardly watching, daintily sitting on the edge of the sofa to get off his feet. You sighed, leaning all the way forward and pressing your head into your hands. 

“If three got out that means other people probably did which means I’m so fucked.”

Haymond paused. “Wait. There’s more than two?”

You nodded but gave no indication of how many. With a look at Hyunjoon, Haymond questioned at the number. Sticking up a one and a two using his fingers and mouthing the word ‘twelve’, Joon tried to help out.

“That’s a lot,” he hissed, almost as if he was the one in pain. You simply groaned in response, shaking your head. 

“Trust me, I know.”

“Well, what are you going to do about it?” The question was pragmatic, just as Joon would’ve expected. Though, he supposed it was what you needed at the moment. You clearly were overwhelmed by emotions and couldn’t think of much to do.

“What do you mean?” Juyeon asked, sounding tired. “What is there to do?”

“Cry,” you said, a pathetic laugh drifting past your lips but nobody chuckled along with you. You were serious and everyone knew it.

“Understandable,” was all Hyunjoon could think of saying. You snorted at this, turning your head from your hands to fix him with a look. He tried to push a smile to make it better. It didn’t work.

“Sunwoo’s,” Juyeon hummed, voice breaking the awkward silence, “did you write one for him?”

Joon didn’t even think about asking that one, though he knew he should have. Oh boy, he thought, mentally face palming. That was a can of worms nobody should open without knowing what they were getting into. Still, you just shrugged, trying to play it off like you were so cool. The quiver in your voice was enough to give you away.

“Yes. No. I don’t know. I know he has one, I can feel it, but I wrote so many, I forgot which one I kept; but he must’ve read the one he has and, to make it worse, I have to pick him up from the station tomorrow.” 

“You don’t have to,” Haymond pointed out. Joon watched him rub the back of your hand, trying to comfort you. 

“He’s right.”

You shook your head. “I want to. I need to see him, I- if he’s read it, I want to explain.”

Juyeon was the first to speak, sounding determined. Hyunjoon admired how quick he was to put you before himself. “So we’ll make a game plan.” 

A collective nod went around the room. It was just the three of you there to support you but it would be enough. It had to, because there was no one else to call. 

“We’ll figure it out, y/n,” Joon promised, inching closer. You lifted your head fully to face him, watching him give you an encouraging smile. It took a lot for you to match it, pools forming just at the bottom of your eyes but you were willing to try. 

“Just you see. Everything will work itself out."

———————————

It was safe to say that things did not go as planned. Joon had texted Sunwoo beforehand, telling him that you were on the way and had something to talk to him about. There was a plan and Hyunjoon gave him the outline, sending two crossed fingers emojis and ending with:

Kitten, 6:09 p.m: please, don’t make it worse. Just listen to them, okay?

Me, 6:13 p.m: what does make it worse mean?? Why would I?

Sunwoo got no response from there, but things sure did escalate on the drive back to his place. He couldn’t even place when it happened but suddenly, you were crying and he just wanted a break. He felt like he couldn’t breathe seeing what being with him did to you. You seemed to crumble to pieces and it was all his fault. He needed to fix it. He wanted you happy again, just for once second. There wasn’t a single moment he didn’t miss your smile but you were so far from showing him one and it made his heart sink to his toes.

“Y/n, can you please stop? Can we talk about this? Please?” Sunwoo was pleading with you now, watching you from the passenger seat as tears created paths down your cheeks. It was hard to understand how you were even driving with how worked up you were but he wanted you to stop and think. He needed you to not freak out like this, get yourself all worked out. He was scared. He was sorry.

“Please,” he whispered, softer and more emotional than he’d felt himself be in such a long time, “I still love you. I don’t care about anything else, I still love you.”

You brought one hand up to your eyes, pushing inwards to wipe at your cheeks but he knew it was a way for you to redirect your aggression. The pain in your heart reflected in the way you gripped the steering wheel, knuckles turning pale. 

“Sunwoo, stop,” you begged, not wanting to listen to him anymore, “I can’t take this.”

“Hold on, okay? Just pull over. Stay with me. I’m here for one night, just stay with me.” He was trying to mediate it but he didn’t know how. He was strapped into his seat, eyeing the wheel but knowing he couldn’t grab it to stabilize it. You seemed so erratic right now, driving on empty streets but veering left and right. 

Something about your voice ripped at his heart, cries slipping past your teeth and integrating quietly into your words. “I missed you. I missed you so much and I know I shouldn’t because we can’t ever happen but fuck, Sunwoo, sometimes it feels like I’m being torn in half.”

“Hey, woah,” he murmured, not wanting to raise his voice as his concern boiled forwards, “y/n, please. Just slow down. Pull over. Let’s talk about this logically, okay?”

The request for stability made you pause. You felt calmer for a moment, nodding a bit. All he needed you to do was pull over after this intersection. You just had to make it through once more intersection you were already passing and then you could stop. Talk. He could make it better. He could fix it, he knew he could. He could make you smile. 

A breath was all you needed for Sunwoo to get distracted. All his mind was bent on you that he hardly noticed the shadow that flickered at the corner of his eye. The breath and the flicker and he turned to look. God, he wished he’d been looking at you instead of a bright pair of headlights in that moment. You would’ve made all the fear in his body dissipate in an instant. 

On instinct, he cowered inwards. Time seemed to move in slow motion, his body not moving fast enough to turn back to you. Somehow, he reached his arm out and grasped at the wheel, attempting to turn it against your will. His voice worked ahead of him.

“Y/n, look- watch out for-!”

Rap: I think this is OBVI for Sunwoo but tbh I think he’d just prefer someone in his genre and style of expression because it seems to be extremely important to him and something he holds dear to his heart so definitely he’s #1 there. I also think Eric would prefer rapping just because he’d get to fool around with it with you and that’s soft af. Kevin, while being a singer himself, would probably like to have someone who’d be able to play up his duets and maybe rap-sing. lastly, i put younghoon here because he definitely admires this skill

Sing: SO Jacob and Chanhee being first here is no surprise at all just bc the quality of the music they sing and the music they create is extremely vocal and doing sweet things like singing in the car and being lame like that would probably mean a lot to them (esp if you can harmonize pls). Sangyeon and Juyeon are here as well just because they seem to be admirers of the small, soft things and while dance and rap can be that, singing is definitely the way to steal their hearts

“Oh, for me?” His mouth was wide, glasses slowly making their way down the bridge of his nose while his eyes widened. 

The woman bid him a sweet goodbye, wishing him a good day, which Changmin quickly returned. Turning back to his original route, he turned over the paper and shook it, confused about what could be in it. Though, he supposed it didn’t matter. As long as he saved the woman a walk up the stairs, he was happy. Quickly, he ripped at the paper, hoping to find out more about what was inside.

—————————

Dear Ji Changmin, 

Through our time together, I think I’ve learned how to be strong and it is all thanks to you. You’re a knight in shining armour and I’m beyond glad to have you in my life. 

—————————

Mid September, 2016

Amalia’s car came to a slow stop next to the school, sunglasses low on her nose and cocky smile notching her lips up her cheeks. As the window came down, she turned to fix you with a very proud look, one hand on the wheel and the other on the car door. 

“Well? What do you think?” 

You came very close to the car, ran your finger across the metal and then held it up to show her. “Dusty.”

She smacked at your hand, grumbling a bit as you gave her a loud laugh. It took a small jog to get to the other side and, once you got in, Amalia pouted. 

“You don’t like it?”

“It’s your parent’s car, Amalia,” you pointed out, leaning your head towards her, “I’ve seen it before.”

“Yeah but not with me driving it,” she shot back, kicking up an eyebrow at you.

Hands up in the air, you chuckled and said, “you got me there.”

“Tell me you like it and I’ll take you to McDonald’s,” she persuaded, chin now sticking up in the air as she straightened in her chair, ready for the compliment. 

Despite yourself, you told her what she wanted to hear, smiling widely at the little giggle that escaped her mouth. As she began to drive, looking very carefully at all her mirrors before taking her car out of park, she chimed, “see? That wasn’t so hard, was it?”

Before you could respond, Amalia shot off into her usual story time and you were glad to hear her blabbering again. You missed her over the summer, realizing that spending almost everyday together was integral in your relationship. Your days felt rather bland without her, especially when the rest of the group was out of the city. Though, you had to admit that you and Hyunjoon would probably never hang out just the two of you out of some sort of unspoken respect for him and Amalia. 

“Sunwoo’s gotten really popular,” she began, talking about the obvious gossip first. 

You couldn’t help but agree, feeling a bit small. It had only been a week or two of school, weeks that Sunwoo had taken off to stay and train with his company after his performances, but it seemed like his name was on everyone’s lips. It made you uncomfortable, watching little freshmen walk up to you and ask if you were his friend. Then you thought that, if it made you want to disappear, how would Sunwoo feel? Would he revel in it or would he hate it? A small part of you wished it was the latter, not knowing how you’d feel if the very small bit of growing fame made him into someone you didn’t know.

Noticing the way you quieted down, Amalia’s hand reached off the wheel at a stop and she squeezed your hand. With a sweet smile, she murmured, “he’ll be back soon and it’ll be fine. He won’t be any different. He promised me.” 

Taking your bottom lip in and biting it, you wondered if he would keep his word. Without noticing, you began chipping at the polish on your nails, a habit Sunwoo himself had scolded you for endlessly. He would stack his hands on top of yours and press down on them for you to stop but, without your inhibitor, your nail polish began tearing off easily. 

With your mind on distant thoughts, you zoned in and out of conversation easily, partially listening to what Amalia was saying. You were trying, you really were but sometimes- almost all the time- it was easy to get lost. 

“And apparently Jace got into a huge fight at a party during the summer.”

That rocked you. 

Blinking, you found your tongue working again, pulling back to repeat, “Jace?”

Amalia hummed, giving you a swift nod as she pulled into the drive-through. You mentioned you should get Hyunjoon food for practice as Amalia ordered, reading what a usual lunch of his would be like from your notes and listening to her repeat it to the woman on the other end. As you rolled up to the first window, getting all the money out to help Amalia pay, you pressed for more information.

“Jace and Shan are the least confrontational people I know,” you mumbled, trying to wrap your mind around the situation before quickly adding, “besides Joon, of course.”

Amalia shrugged, paying with a smile on her face before slowly coming forward to the second window, where you waited. “I don’t know what happened but, like, nobody does? It happened while he was upstairs at a party and the other guy- Kellen from the year above? Yeah, he won’t tell anyone what happened either.”

“So that’s why he had that bruise,” you said aloud, thinking back to earlier today when you’d passed him in the hallway. 

“Not like he doesn’t deserve it though,” Amalia muttered, grabbing onto the incoming bags, turning to say thank you with a sweet smile. The second she began driving, something sour overtook her face and her frown turned downwards. 

Your eyebrows touched as you tried to figure out what she wanted to say. “What do you mean?” 

Giving you a small look from the corner of her eye, she just shook her head. Underneath her breath, she murmured a small, “nothing,” and kept on driving. Within a beat, she was back to telling another story but that didn’t take your mind off Jace. 

You wondered if he was okay, finding yourself genuinely concerned. Did he win? Was he okay? Most of all, though, you wanted to know what everyone wanted to know: why? As you thought it over, the drive disappeared into the past and Amalia had dropped you off back at school. It was decided that you would drop of Joon’s lunch and wait for her at the school so you could all go home together and study for biology. She needed to get gas and snacks and promised to be back for you. 

Blowing a kiss at you before leaving, Amalia tossed a loud goodbye out the window and pulled away from the brown building carefully. You found yourself waving with your free hand, the other gripping tightly onto the paper bag with food in it. Once you couldn’t see her car anymore, you feet led you to the practice room, memory taking you half the way there seeing as Joon was always there nowadays. 

A few knuckles of yours knocked on the door of the practice room, looking through the glass at the dancing boys before letting yourself in. Juyeon gave you a big smile, one you had grown to love and bury in your heart, underneath emotions that had no right to be surfacing. Hyunjoon immediately bounced forwards, groaning as his hands went to the bag in front of your body. His fingers tipped the paper forwards, opening it so the smell wafted out and the rest of the boys came forwards, begging for a bite of fries. Ji Changmin, the one able to focus, just clapped a bit and got their attention. 

“Guys, come on, we've gotta keep practicing. We can eat later.”

The way his eyes landed on yours made you stop your little grin. He always felt so present, like he could see all the way through you and yet see everything about you at the same time.

“Can I stay and watch?” you asked lightly, stepping backwards to feel the wooden box that was propped up behind you.

“We're almost finished, Ji,” Hyunjoon hummed, giving their leader those puppy dog eyes nobody could deny. Changmin took a beat, eyes lingering on your face for more than a second and then nodded.

“We're almost finished,” he repeated and then turned, getting himself in position as another boy, one who just joined, ran to set the music back.

Juyeon walked past you and murmured something about your brother before you reached inside the bag and popped a fry in his mouth. You giggled a bit before feeling the mood change in the room, music starting to fade in. With running footsteps, everyone came into position and then they somehow became one machine. They were oiled so well to the point where each person's arm went up at the same angle, at the same time, with the same emotion. It felt ethereal watching them, knowing Changmin was the puppet pulling their strings, telling them exactly what to do and when and how. He was something else, one of the most perfect magicians because he didn’t have to say anything to make you fall in love with him. He just had to move his thin body in time with the wind. 

Practice ended quickly when you were focusing on Changmin. A part of you stole your eyes away to look a Juyeon, watching the way he bent and twisted. Though he wasn’t as fluid, you still found him amazing, and perhaps that’s why you focused on his classmate more. You needed to get your mind off him, it could never happen. You repeated those words to yourself in your head, thinking and crossing your fingers, a part of you wishing it wasn’t true but it was. Your heart was already torn in two pieces. You didn’t need another boy to place your bets on when the first two were already something you were unsure of. 

As everyone filtered out one by one, grabbing their bags and laughing, telling stories of what they needed to finish when they got home or their horrible history teachers, you sat on that stage box. Crosslegged and comfortable, you finally got to hand over Hyunjoon’s share, waiting for him so you could eat together. The boy sat down beside you, hair in his face and dripping a bit but his smile was as wide as ever. With a kind grin, you went and handed him a towel, glad to see him this happy again. 

“Enjoying yourself?” you asked, taking out both of your meals and handing him his. He nodded, settling down by crossing his long legs as well, knees poking into you. The chatter was slowly dying around you as Joon spoke, more people leaving but Juyeon was at the front, grabbing water and talking to Changmin. When he caught your eye, he smiled with teeth and you had to force yourself to look back at your food, heart leaping. 

“Best choreography yet,” Joon appraised, looking almost starry-eyed at Changmin, who was now laughing at a joke, “like Ji wasn’t allowed to make the whole choreography before but now that he’s head dancer, he’s really stepping it up. The newcomers don’t know how great they have it with him being lead.”

You watched Hyunjoon stare a bit more before chuckling and poking him in the side with your elbow. “Did you get that solo?”

Instead of a verbal response, Joon just nodded his head, filling his mouth with his burger. He had barely eaten at lunch and, as he puts it, doesn’t believe in breakfast so you let him chomp down, glad to see his cheeks filled. Exclaiming, you threw your arms around his shoulders and gave him a bit of a shake.

“I’m so proud of you!” you hummed, pulling away to see his extremely large grin despite the food in his mouth. It was clear he wanted to say something more but got distracted, his bashfulness getting the best of him. As you returned to your spot, you found yourself rambling about how excited you were to see him before quieting down and letting him chow down. Through chews, he tried to ask where Amalia was but the question didn’t need answering. The girl burst through the practice doors, looking a bit flustered but mostly happy. 

“Guess who just got the best snacks like won’t even be able to figure out what I got,” she started, instantly going on about her haul and the people she met along the way. She loved to say that she was an ambivert and had very introverted tendencies but this girl could be put in the middle of nowhere and be fine. Sometimes you were jealous of it, listening to how her and another girl bumped carts and ended up recognizing each other from elementary school. 

“Isn’t that crazy?” she asked to confirm, coming to sit down in the space both you and Joon made between the two of you. As she hopped up on the box, she went to grab a fry from Hyunjoon but you put a few of yours in her hand instead, wanting Joon to eat as much as he could. 

“You’re giving those out like free candy,” Juyeon chimed, using his chin to point forwards as he fixed his bag around his shoulders. Changmin was a little way behind him, walking and stretching his legs as he took steps forwards. 

“I am a gentle monarch,” you joked, placing a clean hand over your heart. The crescent eyed boy grinned, forming little moons on his face that seemed to sparkle. You hated how much he drew you in when he smiled like that, all big and goofy, like he didn’t care who saw. 

“You know, I’ve never had McDonald’s,” Changmin piped up, finally coming towards your group. You looked over to see Hyunjoon’s eyes widen completely, almost popping out of his head as his hand came over his mouth. 

“You what?”

Amalia also gaped, neck craning forwards as her jaw dropped. Only Juyeon didn’t seem surprised, throwing an arm over the boy’s shoulders and sighing, “he’s a healthy one, this boy.”

Ji chuckled, shaking his head and suddenly becoming shy. “No, not at all, I just- I never was allowed when I was younger so I never tried it.”

“Well here,” you offered, thrusting your cup of fries forwards. He notched up an eyebrow and almost took one before you brought your hand back quickly and smiled. 

“Only if you teach me a cool dance move first.”

There was a small chorus of questions and encouragement all around the small group of you, four people seemingly enough to pressure sweet Changmin into agreeing. He didn’t have a problem with dancing but his whole persona offstage was someone completely different. He went from being this demanding, hard hitting presence to someone so kind. You hopped off the box at the side of the room and followed Changmin to the mirrors, just a few steps away. Looking behind you at the hoots from Amalia, you saw Juyeon taking your place beside her, clapping a little bit. Hyunjoon’s hair was getting fixed out of his eyes by his fingers, back arching forwards so he could watch you. Amalia was giving you a devilish grin and two thumbs up. It felt nice to have that support no matter what though you wished Sunwoo was here to see you. He would’ve been glad to watch you do something so off-brand, so impulsively. 

As you shifted your head to the left, Changmin’s large, kind eyes came into view and you felt grounded. You were really about to do this.

“Okay, this is the highlight move of our most recent choreo,” he explained, getting you to stand straight in place before circling around behind you so he could be seen as your shadow. Standing right behind you, he got himself into his starting position and asked you to match him. You did your best, bending your knees where his were and having your arms pointed outwards. Still, Changmin moved forwards to gently press his hands up your back to straighten it in the right direction, his fingers wrapping around yours to give you a proper fist in your left hand. 

“This is a bit more aggressive,” he murmured, being just loud enough for you to hear him. Your eyes followed him unwillingly, heart suddenly pounding in your chest. He flustered you almost immediately, gaze finding yours through the strands of hair that fell in his face. Yet, his smile was encouraging and soft. He felt familiar. 

Slowly but surely, he took you through the few steps you needed to know to do the most impressive move of the dance, nodding every time you asked questions. You stopped paying attention to your friends, who had started up a little conversation among themselves. Juyeon left at one point, giving you a wave and saying he’d see you ‘at home’ before giving Changmin a hug. Then Joon and Amalia left, probably to change and have some time to themselves. It ended up being just the two of you in that practice room with bars and mirrors and cold fries now tucked away in a paper bag. 

He clapped you through the steps, giving you the proper beat before asking if you wanted to try it with the music. His hands were on your shoulders and he was looking at you using the mirror, slender body just a half step behind you. You were left breathless, though you couldn’t figure out if your shallow breathing was his fault or the dance’s. As much as you knew dance was hard, performing and perfecting this was proving to be extremely difficult. Still, you loved it. 

The music filtered on and Changmin demonstrated it for the first chorus, which you followed quickly before grinning and nodding. You could do it. As the second chorus came around, Changmin did the move with you, beside you this time and giving you a feeling of togetherness. Then, for the final chorus, he let you do it alone, watching you and clapping excitedly once you finished. 

When your hands came down, all the choreography you knew coming together, you collapsed, giggling with tiredness and happiness. You’d really done it, and it didn’t look half bad. The dancer came to sit beside you, laughing a bit at your dramatics but mostly grinning because he was proud of you too. 

“You’ve never danced before?” he asked, splaying out beside you on the hardwood floor. You just shook your head, weirdly out of breath and entirely nervous at how close he was to you. Your arms were nearly touching, fingers just a split second away, and you wondered if it was just you feeling this heaviness in the air. Maybe it was just the weight on your chest that made you feel so light and hopeful, or the fact that fantasies created themselves in your head faster than reality unfolded. 

“You’re really good for a beginner,” Min praised, giving you a bright grin as he turned his head to face you. Reluctantly, you met his gaze and found yourself lost for a second before gasping. 

“Oh my god, those fries must’ve gone cold, I’m so sorry,” you immediately apologized, scrambling to get up and look at the food you’d left. He just laughed, shaking his head and hands at you.

Softly, he said, “it’s okay! Not your fault, I took forever with the details.”

Feeling heat on your cheeks, you apologized again, rolling up the bag after confirming the food wasn’t at its best. You slumped a bit, watching Ji get back up on his feet and fix up a few things in the studio. Finally, he unplugged his phone from the speaker and closed the cabinet, backpack firmly on his shoulders and a towel around his neck. 

“I’ll walk you down to meet your friends,” he assured you, noticing you shifting slightly in your spot, unsure if you should leave ahead of him or not. There was something very easy about him, like he could get along with anyone and everyone if they wanted to be his friend too. You nodded, somehow getting quiet again as nervousness slipped back into your skin. 

“It must be a lot of responsibility being the lead dancer this year,” you mentioned, hoping it would be something he’d like to talk about. He only shrugged, trying to play it off. 

“It's stressful but no big deal, honestly. The worst part is having to lock up, always being the last to leave and stuff but it’s a responsibility I chose,” he finished, clearly being very diligent about the words he was using. He checked the lock of the practice room, pushing the door to make sure it was fully locked before asking if you’d like to go. 

Beginning your way down the hallway and up a few stairs to get back to the main level, you pressed a bit. “If it means anything, I really admire you. I come watch your practices all the time because of Joon- who practically idolizes you, you know, like wants to be just like you- but I’ve loved watching your performances ever since grade nine because you’re so good. I don’t even do dance and I can tell, which means you’re impressive, right?”

Changmin seemed to shrink under the compliments, smile growing wider and wider and redness forming on his cheeks. His tongue struggled to find something to say, clearly baffled by your incoherent line of thought and messy sentence, but he landed on a string of thank yous you deflected. 

“No need,” you promised, shaking your head as your fingers came between the loops of your backpack, “I’m just being honest.”

You were nearing the front doors, voices echoing through the rounded atrium of your school and you were a bit sad to be parting. Though, you knew you really did have to study for that upcoming test. Changmin only gave you a click of his tongue, shaking his head with his gaze downwards. His thumbs were placed like yours until his feet planted and you came to a stop beside him. 

“Um, if you’d want to see more, I’m doing this event at the school dance, like the welcome back masquerade thing. If you’re going, I’d love to see you.”

The invite had your hands shaking, but you nodded nonetheless. “I’ll, um, I’ll let you know?”

He nodded, biting down on his cheek. You saw him contemplate how to say goodbye before awkwardly shifting forward on his feet as taking steps to the front door. You followed closely behind him, walking the rest of the way in silence. 

As you breached the outside, wind touching your skin and the sun beginning to set, as it did the later it got in the year, Changmin gave you a small wave.

“See you at the next practice, maybe?”

You nodded, silly smile slipping onto your lips. Now, there was no way you’d miss a single one. 

—————————————

I’m sure that maybe you were just being nice but, also, it felt like you saw something in me. I was starting to slip into my lowest and you grabbed my hand to try and help me out. My whole world felt like quicksand and you were an anchor, telling me not to move and that you’ll get me out soon. I remember I would go home and replay your smile in my head. It was shockingly bright and enough to lift my spirits on a weekend or a Friday with no plans (so most Fridays). Still, as irregular as our interactions were, I cherished them. I was glad for little moments where I could just forget and be a typical, starstruck junior who had a tiny crush on a senior. 

—————————————

Early October, 2016

The masquerade couldn’t have come quicker, too many things happening all at once. What with school, tests, and getting prepared for what came after, you felt like you really needed a day to relax. Not to mention Sunwoo was coming home and Eric was coming down for the weekend, finally getting a hold of his parent’s car. He told you a few days before the dance, all excitedly telling you he would come down with his girlfriend. 

“I- I have a dance this weekend though, I won’t be able to see you on Friday,” you stuttered, making up some excuse to put off meeting her. You knew it was stupid and you should just be happy for your best friend, he deserved to be as excited and giggly as he was then, but something in you stung like poison when you heard her name. Jealousy was an ugly monster and you wanted to keep it at bay for as long as you could.

“Are there still tickets?” Eric sounded eager, like he really wanted this weekend to be a hit. You didn’t want to lie to him, knowing he’d come down and check nonetheless. It would only cause a fight.

You put down your pencil, turning away from your study notes and lying on your back, staring at your ceiling. Your phone was pressed to your ear, elbow bent to an extreme to keep it there.

“I think so, but I wouldn’t know who to ask.”

You could practically see him shrug if you closed your eyes. Sometimes, he was so nonchalant about things, usually needing a plan but earnestness outweighed that impulse apparently. 

“I’ll just buy some at the door, no big deal,” he concluded. He was probably nodding, pleased with his decision. Then, suddenly, he had to go and wished you a quick goodbye. Much to your surprise, he added a few little words to the end which seemed to make both of you speechless. 

“Love you,” he chirped before stopping. There was a slight breath you both took, you sensing the way it stilled his heart when he said it. You were affectionate, sure, but saying that you loved each other was a very rare thing. It only happened in times of deep sobs and emotional revelations, never so casually tossed around. 

An awkward giggle popped past your lips and, though it felt weird, you didn’t force the words past your lips as you repeated what you’d heard. Then, swiftly, Eric said another good-bye and hung up the phone before hearing your response. The line went dead in your ears and you pulled the phone away from your ear, a bit shocked that he was acting like that. 

With the entire situation on your mind as you got ready for the dance, you stared at yourself in the mirror. Amalia had asked you if you wanted to try a dress maybe, or a skirt if you were feeling up to it, but you decided against it, opting for pants and a nice shirt. It was the easiest way to dress nicely while also fitting in, not going too against the grain. Amalia said she stood in solidarity with you and bought herself a pantsuit, sending you a picture of her in it an hour ago. You responded, telling her she looked beautiful, and she sent you a bunch of hearts back. There was something that felt difficult between you two recently though, as if communication wasn’t enough. 

A frown touched your lips at her response, causing you to simply put your phone down and stare at yourself in the mirror a bit more. Sometimes it felt like you didn’t even know who this person was staring back at you. Chuckles rummaged through your chest as you thought of the animated Mulan movie, voice coming through and humming the tune softly. A little knock at the door took your voice away and you turned to see Haymond in an almost proper suit. 

“Ready?” he asked, usually preoccupied with how his hair was positioned or straightening the wrinkles in his clothes, but now he was completely focused on you. His eyes didn’t slip past yours to the mirror and you felt a bit better knowing that your brother saw you, even if you couldn’t sometimes. 

You nodded softly, grabbing your phone from its charger and taking everything else you’d need. Haymond’s hand was on your shoulder as he led you down the hallway and stairs, mouth chattering. 

“It’s my last welcome back dance and they had to make it a masquerade,” he started, a bit of happiness in his chest as he joked, “as if it wasn’t already lame enough.”

“Then why are you going?” you pushed back, notching up an eyebrow at your brother. 

Haymond only shot you a glittering smile, straightening in his spot as he fixed his tie. “As resident ladies man, I really need to make an appearance at every event.”

You snorted as your dad came around the corner, giving your shoulder a quick squeeze. “What he means is ‘I’m popular’. Now get in this picture, pretty boy.”

Haymond began protesting as he came to stand beside you in your usual picture spot, your dad now squinting at his camera and leaning his head forwards as if he couldn’t understand how the modern phone worked. You found yourself naturally smiling, happy for the lightness in the air as your dad complained about his phone and went to look for the actual camera, Haymond stalking after him, trying to educate the poor man about technology. 

Then, you heard the knock at the door and your heart stopped. If it was Eric-

You didn’t have time to think about it, seeing as your mum left the door unlocked again, as she usually did on guest days. Juyeon came bursting through the door, dressed in a suit as well and hair slicked so only a few strands fell in front of his face. You found yourself breathless, staring at him for a second before blinking back surprise. Then, you said hello and gave him a light hug, one he returned easily. 

“You look great.”

You shrugged, twirling a bit in your spot and giving him a funny face. “It’s just a little something I threw together.”

This caused a laugh that ruptured through the whole house, his eyes curling into moons again and you found yourself still taken by him. It was funny how so many people could take up residence in your heart, as if the chambers of it constantly expanded to let new people stretch their legs and set up shop. Barly came through, barking at the boy for pets and hugs, which he gracefully gave as your family filtered into the living room.

“Juyeon!” Your mother was exceptionally chipper, hair tied up with silk for the moment but face still gracing a bit of makeup. She hugged the boy as well, making comments about how handsome he was before offering everyone drinks. 

Your father and Haymond came back in as well and your dad seemed glad for the extra companion. “More people, more pictures. Everyone get in- yes, you too, Barly.”

There was a bark and swiftly, more people came in through the front door. Eric showed up, grinning and with a girl on his arm. You didn’t catch her name, somehow preoccupied with how awkward the hug with Eric was. He seemed scared to touch you, as if he’d cross a line. You did your best not to show the discomfort on your face as him and his girlfriend piled into the pictures, the girl very excited to finally meet you. She gave your body a tight squeeze, gushing about how she’d heard so much about you. Your dad didn’t fail to take a picture of that. You wondered how awful your face must’ve looked in it because Haymond was sniggering about it behind the camera as your dad showed him the preview.

Flustered, you decided you couldn’t take any more of this, desperately wanting to leave as all this chatter and light filled your house, Eric’s girlfriend wearing a sparkling golden dress, as if her laugh wasn’t loud and obnoxious enough. At that thought, you found yourself biting your tongue, upset at yourself. You couldn’t just let her live? She wasn’t doing anything wrong to you and she sure as hell wasn’t mistreating Eric. You could see in the way she was looking at him, stars in her eyes, that she really did care for him. You decided to pick up her name, hearing your dad call her Raven and keeping it in your heart, hoping that there would be room in it for her too. 

Your feet managed to sweep you off to the backyard, where the sun was setting now, just hiding behind the sun. You wished it was darker because then maybe it wouldn’t be as embarrassing to hide the tears you held in your eyes. You didn’t want to rub under your eyes with your sleeve, not wanting to possibly stain it, so you just used the pads of your fingers, hoping to catch the tears before they left salt on your cheeks. 

“Been a rough week, huh?” His voice was enough to fix you and send you off the edge of your seat all at once. 

You launched forwards, burying your head in his chest and hiding it as your arms wrapped around his slender body. He had gotten skinnier while he was away. 

Sunwoo’s laugh was soft and not directed at you in any way. His arms were light but secure, fixing around you as if to keep you safe- like he never wanted to let you out of them for those few moments. 

“I missed you,” you said, though your words were muffled by his jacket. He repeated the sentiment, rubbing a few circles into your back before pulling away. 

“But hey, stop crying, okay? It’s supposed to be a good day. Eric’s here, I’m here, Changmin’s performing. It’s gonna be great, okay?”

You nodded, finding your eyes taking in every part of your best friend before giving him another squeeze. As Sunwoo found his place beside you, daring to lead you back into the living room and through it to the front where cars waited, as did people, he began to speak. 

“So, tell me what I missed what I was gone. I want to hear all the hot gossip.” His eyes shone as he spoke, something mischievous about him. 

“From me?”

He shrugged. “Who else? Amalia’s a gossip but not a good storyteller. You, on the other hand…”

So, you spent the entire car ride sitting between him and Amalia, who indeed did look beautiful in her pant suit, talking his ear off. Eric was sitting in front of you, commenting as he was listening in and you were glad to see him slowly relaxing. Though, he always flicked his eyes away from yours when you held eye contact for more than a moment and you figured he still felt uncomfortable. You didn’t pay it much mind, having a healthy task of catching Sunwoo up. 

Amalia and you tag teamed at times, explaining the whole Jace situation as best as you could, though neither of you had any real information about it still. Even he wouldn’t tell you what had happened, though you figured that was because Amalia really couldn’t keep a secret sometimes. Yet, Sunwoo didn’t seem too fazed by it, giving his shoulders a shrug. 

“It’s good someone told that di- guy- to shut up,” Sunwoo grumbled, clearly offset. Maybe he knew more than he let on but neither you nor Amalia had time to press as you arrived at your school. 

They were handing out masks at the front, really trying to keep the whole masquerade bit of the dance held up but they were all from the dollar store and very uncomfortable. Some people brought their own, which you noticed happily, glad for the few people who referenced the Phantom of The Opera. It was a whole affair, with streamers and cheap decorations strung together. Not the fanciest of dances, but nice nonetheless considering how underfunded your school was. Though, the anonymity of the students was lost. You could pick out anyone you wanted from the crowd, though the younger kids were a mystery to you. Amalia, who did he fair share of leadership events, did end up getting distracted by some sophomores who complimented her dress. 

In your ear, Sunwoo murmured, “I was on T.V. and she’s still the more popular one.”

You understood it was supposed to be a joke but it still caused a bit of panic in your body. Did he want to be noticed? You supposed all aspiring idols wanted to be famous, whether it was for their skill or looks or music. Still, it made you worry. With a forced smile, you pushed forwards, looking for an empty table all of you could sit at. It wasn’t until you heard your name that you turned, finally face to face with Jace and Shankeri.

“We saved seats for us over there,” Keri grinned, grasping your hand before tugging you the complete opposite way you were walking. Her mouth chattered on, clearly loosened up by the loud atmosphere. 

Jace gave you a little knowing smile, preferring not to say much nowadays. Whenever you’d seen him in class, he’d keep more to himself, only talking to a few from your friend group and even then, it was rare. 

“Who dragged you out of the house today?” you asked, looking at his very mismatched clothes, hardly strung together but you figured that was Jace’s appeal. He could make the messiest of atires look natural and purposeful. He just pointed his chin at Keri, who’d found the widest table and draped different articles of clothing across the chairs to reserve them. The girl gave him back a warm smile, presenting the seats. 

“See,” she crooned over the blue lights and humming music, “I even made sure to get enough for Eric.”

Hearing his name snapped you back into reality. Sunwoo had caught up with your group, greeting both Jace and Keri easily, and they showered him with compliments. Jace, who was much taller and blonder than Sunwoo, leaned back and even began to resemble the boy you knew in grade nine. Then, Hyunjoon appeared, Amalia on his arm as she waved to other people before giving Keri a running bear hug. The two hopped around, squealing about something and being impossibly sweet. It made you grin but, when you looked behind you, you couldn’t find Eric anywhere. 

Excusing yourself, you found yourself searching for the boy and Raven, a girl who you were trying hard to warm up to. As you shifted through the growing crowd, the gymnasium filling quickly and the night passing slowly, you stumbled across your brother and grasped his arm.

Haymond flinched for a moment, turning his head to see who it was only to land on you and sighing a bit. “Who’d you lose?”

“I can’t find Eric anywhere,” you began to say before you thought you heard his laugh. It was so loud in here and still, you thought it was him. You flicked your eyes around the room, praying for a look at his dyed brown hair but catching nothing. 

“You’ll find him, it’s not that big of a gym,” Haymond assured you, trying to move to his table but you followed him. 

“But have you seen him?”

Your brother, though he’d been warming up to you, looked a bit exasperated in that moment. With another curt sigh, he pressed, “no, y/n. I’m not your friend’s babysitter.”

You raised your eyebrows at his quick tongue and let go of his arm. He must’ve seen the way a million emotions flipped past your eyes in a split second because he began to say something else but you cut him off with a snipped goodbye. The music seemed to swell as you took more steps through the gym, honestly confused at how you hadn’t come across the boy yet. It really wasn’t that big of a room and yet-

Your shoulder crashed with another person’s and you didn’t even look as you apologized, hoping to power through until you got stopped by the sound of your name. It was a sweet voice, drifting above the music and almost fitting into the melody. There was only one person who could do that, instantly grounding you and taking a bit of the edge off from the pronounced wrinkles between your brows. 

Changmin’s smile was radiant, mask covering just the top of his face and fanciful as always. The glitter on its borders gave him extra luminance, as if he needed it when he shone so brightly form within. He extended his hand as if it were the nineteen twenties, bending at the waist for a moment before asking if you wanted to dance. 

“I- I’m looking for my friend, we’re supposed to sit together,” you said, completely skirting around the question and probably sounding like an idiot. 

The boy just straightened, lips moving a bit before he seemed to land on the words, “I’ll help you if you want.”

“I’ll owe you a dance,” you decided, hoping it came off your tongue as smoothly as you thought it would. Changmin’s smile widened as he nodded, taking his place beside you. It was quiet for a moment as your filtered through people and the current dance floor, hoping to make it to the refreshments before more people joined the floor. 

By the time you got to breathable air, you’d figured out where you wanted to strike up a conversation. “When’s your performance?”

“Middle of the night,” he said softly, glancing over people that were too tall for you to see over, “so nine-ish, I think. Why?”

“Because I’m excited to see it,” you admitted easily, not very keen on hiding your admiration for him just yet. This seemed to give Changmin some courage, his shoulders straightening in the slightest as he turned his eyes back to yours. 

There was some pause in his words, like he was trying to figure out what he wanted to say before saying it. Then, slowly, he began, “do you see your friend?”

You shook your head, eliciting the same response from Min. He said he couldn’t see a boy of that description, at least not here with this lighting, and you frowned. He suggested messaging Eric the table number and you secretly cursed yourself for not thinking of that first. That gave him a bit of a laugh, probably seeing the look in your eyes before questioning if you’d thought of that. When you shook your head no, he placed a hand on his stomach, laughing ridiculously. 

“Stop,” you drawled, holding back giggles of your own at how little you were thinking that night. Your hand came up to swat at his chest lightly, which Min took rather well, just barely dodging you. 

With a bright smile, he simply grabbed your hand and murmured, “do I get that dance now?”

A nod was all he needed, Ji sweeping you closer to the heart of the dance floor and giving you a bunch of moves you’ve never seen before. You were quite sure he didn’t know how to dance if it wasn’t choreographed but it was fun seeing him play around as he hit all the beats so casually, mask still fixed on his face but yours now resting as a headband in your hair. The song slowly drifted into a slower one, which you let the boy pull you in for. His hands were respectful but firm, leading you as you expected he would. You didn’t need to say much, or anything at all because it weirdly felt so comfortable, like you’d already befriended him in a past life. 

That didn’t stop your heart from racing. 

Just as you were deciding to break your bit of silence, Min stole the show with his little question. “Can you tell me about you and Juyeon?”

It was a soft request, one that needn’t be answered but you felt it was serious that he wanted to know. You met his eyes then, pulling away a bit to assess the gravity of his question. Without knowing what to say, you began to splutter. It was just a summer crush, one that you had to press down- one that confused you amongst your other emotions. They were all so strong and you felt torn to bits, grabbed every which way by different people. If there was ever a moment for panic to show on your skin, it would be then. 

“It’s okay if you don’t- I just figured since- you know he talks a lot about you and I…” he stuttered and trailed off, clearly not wanting to set you off but you just shook your head, hoping to make this not an awkward moment. 

Though, the more you tried to fix it, the worse it got. Both of you wanted so badly not to press too hard or be too nosy, which was difficult for two people who sure did like to talk. A string of apologizes followed each other, blush possibly forming on Min’s cheeks but you couldn’t see too well under this deep sea lighting.

Catching a breath, and a look at the clock on the wall, you patted Changmin on the chest and pointed at the clock. “It’s almost showtime.”

This sent the boy off in a hurry, a small hug being graced upon your body before he disappeared somewhere. You walked in what felt like a daze back to your table, where most of your group was waiting for food. Amalia slumped against her chair, looking unnaturally tired but she perked up seeing you. 

“There you are!” Her voice was loud and grand, able to take your mind off anything for a brief moment. “We’ve been looking for you, but we found Eric.”

The only empty seat left at the table was between him and Sunwoo, who was talking easily with the boy. Just behind them, you noticed a few younger girls gawking at your friend. Pushing a little smile for Amalia, you made up an excuse of being in the washroom and took a seat, apologizing for getting between the conversation. 

“You okay?” Eric asked. There was genuine concern in his eyes, though there was a tightness in his skin as he looked over your face. You didn’t know what to say. All you did know was that this night sure as hell wasn’t an escape from your everyday life. 

If anything, it made it worse. 

——————————

As I’m writing this, I’m realizing that a lot of what I was feeling towards you - am feeling towards you- is misplaced. I’m calling it love but maybe it’s more so adoration and intense affection. You came into my life at such a tumultuous time and tried to make it better. Maybe you could see that I was struggling and was trying to help. Maybe, when you danced with me, you could feel the waves of the ocean inside me pushing against the shore angrily and wanted to calm it. You wanted the storm to pass, while fighting with your own as well. I wish I could’ve known. I wish I could’ve seen it.

——————————

Mid October, 2016

Lunch was rolling around the corner and you found it easy to slip out of class early, making up an excuse for having to help with dance preparations. Your chemistry teacher, though not necessarily the most understanding, had a migraine and waved you out of class without paying you much mind. A boy with a large smile, one you hadn’t seen before, gave you a bit of a look before you wandered out of the classroom. With a small blink, you whisked the image of him out of your head, realizing you had a lot more to worry about than someone you didn’t know. Your whole life seemed to be crashing in on you, the pressure of all those boys and what they meant to you making it hard to breathe.

There was Eric, who had kept his distance as your friend for a very long time. He never invaded, or said anything too touchy, but he did keep you in line. He knew you through and through, at least the person you used to be. Maybe that’s why it was so different seeing him now. He didn’t understand the way you grew, the friends you began to have, the way you seemed to cling to people who showed you that they loved you- especially people like Sunwoo. The boy was popular and loud and likeable and funny and totally someone you usually wouldn’t go for; and yet, seeing him now made your heart rock. You would wait to just catch a glimpse of him between classes or eagerly sit beside him at lunch. There was a hunger for closeness that seemed to grow the more he was away from you- the more you realized he wasn’t going to sit here and wait around for you forever. 

Then, there happened to be Juyeon, who muddled your head even more. He was meant to be a passing crush, much like Chanhee was. Just something that you fell in and out of love with easily, grace on the tips of your wings as you dipped into and out of his pond. Yet, he seemed so consistent. He was a constant reminder of what you couldn’t have, familial responsibilities and concerns holding you back. Haymond would much rather have you date anyone in his year except for his best friend. He was off-limits, as you were to him. 

Lastly, Changmin’s face fell in front of your eyes when you blinked and you found yourself so utterly perplexed. In the middle of all this turmoil was this shining light, someone so bright and happy, who could spin you around in circles and teach you dance moves without any judgement. His laugh was clear and sharp, voice loud and filling. It was like you were being pulled by all four of your limbs and weren’t giving way to any of these people, who seemed to feast on your heart rather than living in it. 

As you shook the graphic image from your mind, you started to take a look at your surroundings and realized you’d been walking in the opposite direction of your locker. People began filtering out of their classes and the bell was on time as well, piercing through the growing chatter in the halls. You were close to turning on your heel but instead saw Changmin and found your feet leading you forwards once more. 

“Changmin!” you called, giving him a wave. You still had your chemistry textbook locked tight against your chest, both arms wrapping around it to keep it safe. The boy, though tall enough to reach the top shelf of his locker, was standing with his foot inside his locker to give him more height. He stepped down once he saw you, eyes wide and mouth perched open as he searched for who called out to him. 

Softly, his features changed into something warmer, smile hitching up the ends of his lips, cheeks bunching up against his curled eyes. It was enough to leave you breathless, the bit of sunlight he had locked inside him branching out in rays wherever his skin showed. There was never a moment where you weren’t absolutely caught by him, but sometimes you wished there was. It sure would make it easier for you to talk to him. 

“Hey, y/n,” he hummed, book in hand now. He was fixing it into his bag, which was hanging by the hook of his lock for ease. 

“Practice today at lunch?” You hoped it sounded natural, shoulder pressing lightly into the locker next to his. 

The boy shook his head. “Hopefully going home. I’m exhausted, I need a nap.”

“Can I join?” The question was meant to be a joke, you saying it between breathy laughs, but you saw the flicker in his eyes and realized how he might’ve taken it. Widening your eyes, you tried to take back what you said and rework it but he just laughed, taking the edge off for you. 

“No, trust me, I get it,” he promised, waving his hand and shaking his head in time, eyes shut for a moment. You seemed to blink with him because, the next thing you knew, his back was getting pressed into the locker beside his and his shirt was caught in bundles in someone’s fists. The slam of his body into the metal doors was enough to shock you, sound seeming to ricochet like a bullet would. 

Suddenly, the chatter lowered and spectators formed. Words came spilling out of Kellen’s mouth, his skin no longer bruised around his eyes. You supposed the lack of injury gave him enough courage to strike again, this time with slurs dripping from his tongue. It was the first time you’d seen something like this happen, though you’d heard of it all the time. You always said you wouldn’t stand for it. You’d step in, try to help, but your feet were stuck to the ground. There was an impeccable amount of fear in your body and it grounded you for long enough to hear him use the word gay as if it was the most disgusting thing he’d ever say in his life. 

It caused a rift in your heart, most of you not completely understanding what the problem was, though you could reason it out. It was a word you heard whispered over dinners or used in reference to an older cousin you had living out in South Africa but nothing more elaborate than that. Maybe your ears weren’t trained for the intricacies of life, your brain hardly in the know about the more scandalous, dreadful things that happened around school. It was in that moment you realized you were entirely sheltered, kept from things you knew would hurt you as much as Changmin’s scrunched up face- one made of pain and anxiety- did in that moment. The worst part was that you didn’t know what to do. 

One more slur was enough for you to blink back the sadness in your eyes and turn it into anger. Something in your body stirred, flinging your body forwards until you found your hands ripping at Kellen’s, voice yelling to get off him. You’d never been this mad before, never found it in your body to be violent. It was completely out of left wing but you supposed this whole situation was. It was new to you and slowly, it created someone new out of you.

“Y/n!”

Your brother’s voice was the first thing you heard, head switching back to look at him. That was when you felt the elbow in your chest, shoving you backwards into the few people on standby, away from Changmin. Your brother was the first to catch you, arm slinking around yours and body pressed up against your back. His eyes were on yours, concerned but then angered in a minute. Maybe it was a family trait. 

Still, the brother you expected you had disintegrated and he was immediately trying to tug you the opposite way. Under his breath, he mumbled, “come on, y/n, I want to make sure you’re okay.”

You pushed away from his hold, staring at him with some sort of disdain. In that moment, it seemed so hard to push words from your mouth but you were mad. And sad. And torn to pieces. It wasn’t happening to you and yet, you were feeling the bruises form on your shoulders with every push Changmin got. You were feeling the tears drip from your eyes as words got catapulted at his face and nobody tried to stop. Nobody tried to help. People just saw it, feared the situation, and walked on by with their heads down. 

“What the hell’s your problem, Kellen?” 

Jace’s question rang loud enough for you to turn from your brother back to the situation. He seemed to attract a bigger crowd. He was a larger boy than Changmin, with a reputation that preceded him. Everyone knew about Jace but nobody really knew him. Not even you. His eyes flickered to you for a moment before he looked back at the thick fingers that pressed Changmin against a locker. The dancer’s eyes were vulnerable but knowing. It set you off. 

Kellen looked confused, grip loosening for a moment. A breath was taken. “J- Jace, why are you d-”

“You know, maybe if you read a book, you’d stop being such an asshole. Men sleep with men sometimes and sometimes they don’t but it’s not your fucking business.” The words sounded strained and, when you looked at Jace, his teeth were gritted. The muscles in his cheeks were sharp. 

Kellen had seen that look before, you bet. You realized that was the only reason he was backing down. His pride had been stung once before and, though he was mean, he wasn’t dumb. He knew Jace was better than him and you supposed that’s why his tongue was more wicked. 

“Is he your little boyfriend, Jace? Don’t pretend I didn’t see you and him at the party- why don’t you tell people why you really be-”

A blow was enough to make you stagger back, Jace suddenly letting out a yell that was enough to rip your soul open. Kellen was knocked to the floor, the blonder boy now on top of him with anger building up in a way you didn’t understand. Despite all of it, you made a run for Changmin, pulling him closer to you as teachers came running down the hall. It was chaos, a cacophony of yells and screams, desperate attempts to get the two boys to pull apart as people watched. People filmed and Changmin tried to hide his fear in your shoulders. 

——————————

A lot of my letters are happy and I want them to be. I want every crush and every experience to be a good one but sometimes, they’re not. More often than not, they’re upsetting. They crush me and make me feel bad but, in some ways, I can find consolation. It all happens for a reason, I could say to myself, but this isn’t something I can get over. It’s been days and weeks since the incident but I just can’t get it out of my head. I can’t understand it. I don’t want to even understand something so painful for you. 

After that, I remembered you telling me that it happens all the time and it’s no big deal. You told me not to worry and cupped my cheek with your hand, though there was a bit of a mark on your chin and scratches on your chest. I’m sorry for not being there for you, for not understanding. I’m sorry for distancing myself after this, even though you told me that maybe it was better for us to hang out less. I’m sorry that I’m making this about me. 

Changmin, I don’t know what to say. I feel like I’ll never know what to say. 

Love, y/n y/l/n. On November 27th, 2016. 

——————————

The casual reminder of his high school life gave Changmin a bitter taste in his mouth. He tried hard to reconcile with it too, to understand, to not be upset about what people had called him or felt about him but it was hard. It was hard not to be angry, just like Jace was. His hands shook lightly as he folded the paper away. In some ways, it was too real. In other ways, it was completely fantasy, a life he entered without knowing why. You were a story he had no idea he’d dipped his toe into and now, there he was, a bright light, as you called him. 

A part of him was undeniably happy. He enjoyed being that person, someone who consoled and helped and eased pain. He only ever wanted to make people smile. Well, that and dance, the latter of which had become his life part high school. It saved him. With a small frown, he found himself wondering if you had been saved by something too.

“Changmin!” 

The sound of his name ripped him from his thoughts, the tall boy standing up on his steps and waving. He must’ve been waiting. Hurrying up his steps, Min jogged forwards, meaning to talk to Jae about some of this. Maybe he’d gotten something similar too and would be able to understand. If anything, he lived beside you and maybe there’d be some explanation. Some insight into your mind.

After a quick embrace though, Min seemed to forget all about it. His mind was troubled but, for a moment, he was so caught up in his friend. He missed him, the boy with the sad eyes and a loud laugh to cover it up. His parents probably didn’t come to pick him up from the station but there was something else bothering him, Min could tell. He was a bit touchy and there was a small burn on his wrist. 

“Hey, you okay?” Min found himself asking, grasping the boy’s hand and turning it to see the red skin there. Jaehyun quickly retracted his hand, nodding and rubbing just above it. 

“Yeah, I just wasn’t paying attention, I guess.” The eyebrows on his face came forwards, eyes downcast as he stared at his own injury. There was a beat of silence before both of them seemed to perk up at the sound of tires pulling into the driveway and a laugh- your laugh- floating through the air.

Jaehyun exchanged a look with Min for a second, almost disregarding it before getting serious. “Did you get one too?”

Changmin was shocked enough to be rendered speechless for a second before blurting out a quick, “a letter, yes.”

“Oh, fuck,” Jaehyun exhaled, sitting down on his steps, “do you think maybe-?”

“Juyeon,” Changmin finished, glancing towards the house only to see the door open and your older brother step out, Juyeon trailing behind them. 

“Haymond, stop!” Juyeon’s voice was loud enough to carry through the lazy neighbourhood seats. Changmin nearly took steps forward but his friend was enough to stop him, hand grasping his calve.

“Wait, Min. We all have questions. It’s better if we just wait.”

Changmin watched you disappear inside the house, Hyunjoon catching his eye. The boy gave an awkward wave before ducking inside as well. Min slumped, finding a seat beside his friend. 

“What did y/n say in yours?”

1-4: o b v i o u s l y hwall just radiates cat energy in the way he acts but I legit can never shake the feeling that these four are intensely cat people? Like in their recent live show where they were just playing with kitties and all four of them were absolutely enamoured ,, pls

5-8: these are the ones I feel are impartial but lean more to one side than the other. I put changmin closer to dog because like ,,, he's way more energetic than Kevin is like he seems more willing to be the person to take the doggos on walks but also is willing to lay back and relax. Sangyeon seems like he could go both ways but is more dog leaning to me just bc every time I see Yeon with a puppy he immediately 🥰🥰🥰 but also he immediately🥰🥰🥰 when he sees hwall so what is the truth. Kev is also super quirky which seems to be a characteristic amongst cat ppl sO