A/N: so this just made me emo as hell and if anyone ever does this to Chan i will personally have to break their necks but anyways i hope you like it and I hope you like having your heart hurt case mine sure does.
ā” admin seulbi
Chan was on his way back to the apartment you shared when he passed by the jewelry shop that was about a block away. You had always wanted to go in but it was so expensive and your parents had taught you that jewelry was a waste of money. Still, your urge to go in didnāt subside and one day you were passing by with Chan when you saw a beautiful ring with a small red gem in the shape of a heart. You melted on the sidewalk looking at it but you still didnāt go in. It was a few weeks after that now but Chan couldnāt stop himself.
It was so simple, thatās what made him drawn to it. It represented you, sleek, put together, simple, beautiful. The red matched the shade youād turn when heād give it to you, he was sure. When he went to buy it, it turned out to be more than he thought itād be but it was worth it, for you. He decided he wouldnāt tell you how much it was, because you had told him not to buy it when he offered before but your anniversary was coming up. He had thought he could use it as a promise ring.
You had talked so much about wanting to get married someday, although you never talked about the two of you because you feared that youād break up and itād hurt when you tried to move on. Chan didnāt subscribe to that thought, he didnāt plan on breaking up with you anytime soon and he definitely could see himself marrying you. He could see your kids playing in the living room as you both played hide and seek with them. He could see growing old with you and eventually have grandkids and a dog and a cat and just being content with his life.
What he didnāt see coming was soon to come.
As he walked into your apartment he heard a scrambling of feet. He looked down to see a pair of white, Nike shoes, but they werenāt his and they were definitely too big for your feet. The thoughts that crept into his head left him paralyzed for a moment, scared of what he was walking into. He wished he could forget about the whole thing, that he could just walk right back out the door and never know what was happening but he had to know.
He started making the story in his head. You had been distant lately. You were always gone at work. You didnāt hold his hand anymore. You dismissed any talk of your future together. In a fight the other day, you told him that you couldnāt stand him anymore. He had brushed all of that off as stress, you said you were up for a promotion and youād need to put in more work and he promised himself heād be there for you like you were for him before he debuted. Now he couldnāt get past the feeling that he fooled himself.
He slowly walked into the apartment with the bag from the jeweler still in his hand. It was wrinkled from him clutching it harder and harder with every step that he took towards your bedroom. His hands were shaking as he reached for the doorknob. Panicked footsteps could still be heard from the other side. Hasty whispers filled the air.
What he saw when he opened the door broke Chan in half. There you were, half naked with another man. You were both standing looking like deer in the headlights. His hair was a mess and he had your lipstick on his neck. Your hair was messy as well, but thatās not what caught Chanās attention. No, the dark mark on your neck claimed that prize.
Chan went numb. He didnāt know what to feel or maybe he felt to much at once. He couldnāt tell. All he could do dropped the bag on the floor and leave before you could explain. You didnāt have to explain, though, he knew what had happened. What you were doing with that man. What you had promised not to do again.
Chan didnāt grab anything before he left, he didnāt scream or yell, he didnāt cry, and thatās what made it painful. He was so utterly destroyed that he couldnāt feel anything.
āI should have known,ā he thought to himself; you had done this before. Almost exactly a year ago he found your phone with an explicit picture of someone else. It was sent from one of your co-workers and you had said that he did it without warning but when Chan answered your phone one day to hear his husky voice on the other side, he knew something wasnāt right.
He stumbled to his old dorm, the place where he and the boys had first lived together but no one was there. Everyone had moved out, but Chan couldnāt think of their addresses. His mind was too cloudy. Soon his eyes got cloudy as well.
The hot tears streamed down his face and it only brought more self-hate. He reached down for his phone but it wasnāt there. He had left it at your apartment. Dreed seeped into his heart. He couldnāt face you like this. He wasnāt even sure the other man had left, could he really bring himself to walk in on you twice? But then how would he find salvation? How would he find somewhere to sleep?
He sat on the apartment stoop for what felt like a day before he got up. He was sick of the stares he was receiving and it looked like it was about to rain. He started towards the only place he knew he could go and be safe from seeing you. He went to the JYP building.
A month later and Chan still hasnāt recovered from the heavy blow that you delivered him that day. He barely made it through getting his things from the apartment a few weeks ago and just yesterday he saw you with the man he saw you with, cheating on him.
Tonight he was out with Bambam at a bar. It was a new one and Chan got the feeling that people often came here for hookups. And although Bambam said that itād help with moving on, Chan couldnāt bring himself to try. No one would be as good as you, no one could make him smile as much as you, no one could run their fingers through his hair or give him the warm hugs you did. No one was as good as you.
But he wasnāt good enough for you, that thought burned in the back of his head at all times. He wasnāt good enough for you, what good was he to anyone else? If he wasnāt good enough for the person who he was ready to give his whole heart to how good would he be to anyone else?
He tried to bury these thoughts of the shots Bambam kept giving him but it wouldnāt stop. The voice in his mind wouldnāt stop telling him, yelling at him that he wasnāt good enough. It just got worse and worse with every shot but Chan didnāt stop. He knew the voice was right, why else would you cheat on him?
āHey, bud, I think itās time for you to stop.ā Bambam set a hand on Chanās shoulder, a look of concern in his eyes. Bambam knew that Chan loved you but he didnāt think he was that deep. He wished he could just go in Chanās mind and erase you from his best friendās memory, then he wouldnāt be so miserable.
āNo, Iām good,ā Chan slurred, raising his hand for another. The bartender exchanged looks with Bambam before setting it in front of the clearly plastered Chan.
āChan,ā Bambam reasoned, āI think itās time to go.ā
āNo, Iām good, man!ā Chan attempted a smile. The look in Bambamās eyes showed Chan what he was like. A mess.
āOkay,ā Chan sighed, stumbling out of his seat, āYou look tired anyways.ā
Bambam gave a hesitant smile before wrapping an arm around Chan, keeping him stable as they started walking out of the bar. The first few times Bambam had taken him out, Chan always refused his help when they left but this time felt different. There was a weight slowly growing on Chanās shoulders and he couldnāt handle it on his own.
Soon enough they were back at Chanās apartment. It was dark and empty, just how Chan felt. He wished someone would be his roommate, that he could just get on with his life and focus on his friends and his music but he couldnāt. He couldnāt just leave everything behind. I didnāt feel right.
Bambam brought Chan to his bed, carefully taking off his jacket and shoes before turning to leave. It was the routine now, and no matter how much Chan hated it, a small part of him enjoyed how much Bambam cared for him. No one else stayed by his side. No one else ever showed up at the door with a friendly smile and a means to end the pain for a while. Chan wanted to say something, wanted to ask Bambam to stay but he was already gone.
Just before Chan was about to fall asleep he felt his phone buzz in his pocket. At first, he ignored it and closed his eyes again but then the thought crept in, what if it was you?
His hand lazily reached for it and he felt blinded when it buzzed again, illuminating the screen at what felt like the back of Chanās skull. It took a moment for him to register what it said.
Rage flowed through Chan in waves. How could you text him out of the blue like that? How could you just assume that he wanted to talk? How could you just make him feel like nothing and then give him a sliver of hope like this?
The rage took over as Chan took a deep breath before chucking his phone at the wall with all the force in his body. There was a satisfying sound of glass breaking as it fell to the floor as Chan rolled over in his bed, ready to fall asleep. Then, the voice came back in his head, he wasnāt good enough, but what if you wanted to say he was? What if you wanted him back? What if you were sorry for what you did, that that man did something horrible to you? What if Chan was your last hope?
Chan looked back to see the broken, shattered phone on the floor and turned back. He couldnāt go back to you. He couldnāt need you again. Turning back to the way he was, he closed his eyes that were starting to water again and silently hoped that heād dream of you holding him in your arms because that was the only way you loved him anymore.
