#adiary

The last few days have been a total wreck. - Mental breakdown at the middle of Analytical Chem lab? Check - Mental breakdown at the middle of Orgo classes? Check - Dropped out of my Education class, after defending it for weeks? Check This week has shown me that I have my own limits and I cannot take up to 30 credits all at once, specially when I'm struggling with my mental health. Now I'm loaded with 24 credits, 4 of them are Instrumental English and do not load me at all. I had to swallow my pride and admit I should drop something, even if it was my favorite class. It can wait, what isn't true for other classes I'm taking. I've already spoken to my coordinator and she is going to help me to get my shit together. I am so close of failing the whole semester, and I must work on it before it's too late. What a shame it is too difficult when I barely have the energy to feel motivated about the things I like the most, as teaching.

After a terrible week, I’m having a better day. Yesterday I hadn’t even the energy to stay sit, I barely couldn’t stay awake. I have finally contacted my mom, however, and she’s going to help me find a psychiatrist. Hopefully I’m going to have a diagnosis and meds before my semester flunks. I really don’t want it to happen, so I’m doing my best. 

I've had a tough day. It's been two weeks into the semester and I already feel the burden of 30 credits on my shoulders: I am very afraid of not being able to keep up with it. Have been thinking of dropping Physics I, Inorganic Chemistry is not making any sense to me... I got out of this class crying, so my colleagues would come up to me and tell me it's going to be okay. Truth is that I've had a tough time since a month ago or so. I'm trying my best to be strong and keep up with my responsibilities, once I know that Chemistry is meant to be a tough course and I've signed in to it. However, dealing with science when you're mentally disabled is difficult. Happily, I'm starting therapy. I am managing to understand Physics little by little. And I'm certain that inorganic Chem is manageable. I just need to take care of myself first. I'm going to be fine.

Highlights from yesterday: 1. My Education class!! It probably is going to be challenging and presented with a whole new methodology than the one I'm used to. I'm thrilled! I missed Humanities classes immensely. 2. Futsal (do you know it? It is a saloon soccer, or something like that. Very popular in Brazil): my colleagues have told me that I improved a lot since I joined them, and it was fun yesterday! Wish I could take two sessions of futsal every week, but my schedule is full to the point I have 30 credits. Too much. Maybe I'm getting a little better in comparison to last week? My therapy is still going on, what if this time I really get better? But chances are I do not endure my tight schedule, that is going to need lots of discipline that I still don't have. Let's see.

Thinking of it, I really like Chemistry. I just cannot work under pressure, what makes undergraduation feel like hell to me. It's so sad because the things we admire the most are always spoiled by how adult world works. That being said, I am still feeling a little happy today. It makes my heart feel warm to know that I may have made the right choice, after all. Just because I don't experience Chemistry as my classmates, it doesn't mean I don't feel it in my heart.