#adhdramble

Hi, this is me again. I am fucking furious. I felt like breaking my computers monitor for this. I am scattered right now so I hope I will be clearer soon.

I am fucking mad. My uncle, my mother, my grandparents, everyone around me seems to want me to study and get a fucking job or whatever. I know I'm not the first to talk about this, but especially today it has been bothering me.

I am (once again) in my first year of studying a four-year degree of Computer Science.

I should have considered sound design, or composition, literally anything artistic, literally anything which is not as rigid as the thing I'm studying now.

For some fucking reason I can't work on the study which I'm doing now. Past study year, when I also started my first year of CS, I got anxious mid-year and I stopped. I got kicked out of my house, had to live with my grandparents (for which I'm obviously grateful) and moved out just in time for a new first year, also Computer Science.

I'm stressing out, because I haven't touched my studies since the start of the year. And I'm scared that everything's gonna go to shit. I'm scared that I'm not gonna be able to do this fucking stupid thing which I not even motivated for. I'm scared that my grandparents, my uncle and my dad are going to be disappointed in me.

And I fucking can't find a single good motivation to be studying right now. I would be working for something I don't care about.

And here's the thing. I don't care about coding. I used to, when I was young. I thought it was the most obvious choice: I had coded in the past anyway, you can make some good money with it.

I am so done with the fact that my family thinks in such a rigid, anxious way, and I don't want it to influence me, but I feel like I am infected with this virus. This 'oh god I'm so fucking scared of the world and I must pursue a 7000 euro degree and buy a 500.000 euro home and live scared for what´s going to happen' attitude. I have it myself and I hate myself for it.

I fucking hate the pressure of waking up everyday when I'm supposed to do something I literally don't care about. Call me an out of touch first-world crybaby, but I think even the most bored to death jobless people would feel the same.

I want to travel the world, and feel free, and create art again. I already talked about making art yesterday, and one of the things blocking me was perfectionism. And this is one of the other things.

I'm supposed to make art to make a living, I must capitalize and popularize it. It must be good enough. It must adhere to rules. And I gotta be consistent, because otherwise you will fall off.

I like to think of Prince: That guy seemed to have it figured out. He created and he did that freely. Because he liked to fucking do it. So why am I not waking up everyday, doing something which I like?

Even making music seems hard, because it just never lives up to my standards. But even then, I managed to publish some songs and some small productions. I tried some, some avenues and some I liked, some I didn't. I'm not saying I have it figured out but I had a little bit of fun doing it.

I have absolutely no problem doing a stupid Starbucks job or something for a living. Because I do want to contribute to society in some way. Even though the 'study a rigid field and get a good job' is not made for me. I want to inspire people with the things I do and make as my focus in life, and I want to live a free life. That's what I want to live for. Everything is so rigid, I am so rigid and I don't fucking want that.

I desperately need the courage to make that jump. To stop my study. To find and do something else, just something which fucking inspires me. Something I want to wake up for. If I knew what I wanted, I would work for it. i just need to find it.

YES I FUCKING KNOW I SOUND LIKE A 16 YEAR OLD WITH TEENAGE PROBLEMS. I don't give a fuck. Doesn't invalidate anything.