May 20, 2025
My brain is only letting me do Work at a Pizza Place
Otherwise I start internally melting
Me rn:
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My brain is only letting me do Work at a Pizza Place
Otherwise I start internally melting
Me rn:
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Why did I just think about smashing my head through the wall? so out of the blue.
Also I have an inkling that I might have adhd, i just really don't wanna solve this now, cause i have summer course and really lot of work, but at the same time, I'm unable to DO the work and AGGHHHRR!
Also m not brave enough to ask for help, what if I'm not really adhd?
I have a hard time focusing in a conversation and someone is talking because I'm trying so hard to make the right face. It takes so much effort to figure out what the "right face" is supposed to be based on context and then make my face look the way I think it's supposed to look.
I will get scolded for making the wrong face, for not making it fast enough, or being too exhausted to try and find the right face and make it. The scolding doesn't make me any better at figuring out what the right face was supposed to be.
My "open and receptive face" looks like other people's "irritated/disinterested face" so I try to fix that and make the right face when someone is telling me something that requires attentiveness.
I try so hard to make the right face that I'm not retaining what I'm being told, just making sure I'm reacting to it so I don't get scolded. Then I get scolded for not doing what I was told the way I was told.
Then there's the insistence of having to make eye contact the whole time someone is talking to you which makes me physically uncomfortable.
In the effort not to look uncomfortable while maintaining eye contact, I miss what I'm supposed to hear.
I listen better when I'm not staring straight into someone else's eyes but, I've been raised in a society where not staring into someone's eyes and- for example, looking at their mouth so I can figure out what they're saying with my processing issues- is disrespectful or even predatory.
Saw my psychiatrist for the first time since lockdown, got to question bit and my brain wasn't connecting to my mouth, and because I couldn't word properly I kept swearing without meaning to. He took one look at me, then asked a bunch of questions about intrusive thoughts, key locks and being organised. After I answered him, he said all my appointments need to be face to face and he didn't explain to me why. Are these things linked to my adhd, or is it something else? I should have asked but my brain was going in so many different directions, I couldn't get the words out