sorry this will probably need a tw if you even decide you want to do it but adhd!roger and john wanting to become parents but rogers intrusive thoughts start to get dark towards the children and he needs reassurance that he will be such a good father..? ive been struggling... baby fever+intrusive thoughts preying on your happiness really gets fucked up.
Content warning: Mentions of harm and abuse of children
Him and John have a big talk one day about the prospect of kids. Adoption for gay couples have just opened up and they want to know what page theyāre on as a pair.Ā
They talk until midnight, taking into consideration their age, their positions in life, etc and it seems as though this is something they want to do. Cool. Rogerās more than elated about all this.Ā
Until they settle into bed and his mind starts to wander.
His brain starts to show him these disgusting clips of him doing stuff to babies. Dropping them on purpose. Kicking them. Things he wouldnāt even say out loud if he were in a deserted planet. Horrible horrible things. And they keep coming one after the other until he has a hand clamped over his mouth, tears streaming, trying to not shake too hard as he stifles his crying.
Heās no stranger to intrusive thoughts. Had them all his life. He knew they didnāt mean he was bad, it was only his mind saying bad things.
But he never had intrusive thoughts like this. About babies and children. About the ways he could mutilate them.Ā
It scared the shit out of him. He had no idea how to cope with the graphic scenes in his head. Not only that, it made him question himself.
As horrible as it sounds, your brain spitting out an image of you beating up your mom or best friend couldnāt compare to the image of you dropping a baby on itās head. Especially if that baby was supposed to be yours.
How could he be a good father if when he looked at his kids, all he saw was violence? What if one day he wasnāt scared of the thoughts anymore? What if he wanted to do them?
That night, Roger downed as many xanaxās as he could in order to sleep.Ā
The next day is even worse. Johnās walking around all happy, bringing up the adoption process, the bill, kids, what room they could turn into a bedroom or nursery. And Roger keeps seeing these things that bring tears to his eyes. He;s biting his lip, clenching his fists, hoping John wonāt notice.
He pulls Roger aside and asks if he has any second thoughts. Itās fine if he doesnāt want to do this. Or if he wants to spend more time considering it.Ā
Roger just bursts into tears, telling John whatās happening. Heās clinging to John, crying over how heās a bad person. He has bad thoughts. He canāt bring a kid in here if heās going to be like this.
John has been with Roger for decades at this point and knows about intrusive thoughts. Heās a bit confused as to why Roger is so alarmed by them when heās always had them, but he can understand how the thought of doing something bad to a baby could shake anyone up.
Heās holding onto Roger, kissing his tears away and squeezing him tight. He reminds Roger that intrusive thoughts arenāt a reflection of his true self, no matter how grotesque a thought is. He reminds Roger that he is the sweetest man heād ever met. How thoughtful, considerate and most of all, gentle he is. Roger hates (and therefore doesnāt) killing bugs they find in their home, preferring to take them outside instead. Could a man who hesitates to kill a spider even lay a finger on a child? Their child?
Rogerās sniffling and nodding because he knows itās true but he still worries. John says theyāll do whatever makes Roger most comfortable. John knows Roger would never do anything vile, but if Roger feels safer without children, theyāll stay childless.
Luckily for them, it isnāt the case. After a few sessions with a therapist, Roger is given some new tools for coping with these thoughts and a professional reminder of the nature of intrusive thoughts.Ā
With Roger more reassured, they start the process to adopt. Roger never regrets it when they bring their little boy home.Ā
