#adamtie

that was dismissive. not unkind, not curt, not anything. it was just dismissive. i wonder why i cared. but here i am. watch the grin, love. it’s directly below my crown.

but watch this space.

perhaps i chase the applause more than necessary. easily dismissed as a result of my upbringing; assumed i was nothing special because of my dad, raised for greatness because of my mother. i’m a paradox, people. but there’s danger in the proverbial spotlight. humans are casual creatures not designed to be admired. we’re all a little ugly, a little tired, tilted towards the imperfect. maybe i want someone to see me. perhaps i hope nobody does. so i stand under the spotlight, chasing applause in reaction to what i say, impulsively praying for a smile in compulsion to what i am.

strange dream last night. my best mate and i were the platoon sergeants of this team of soldiers and we were lost in the woods. it was a dead end with this arching mountain ahead of us. it was starting to get dark. as the men searched through their navigation guides and their compasses and whatnot, i saw a cheetah cub roaming around near us. it was minding its own business, not attacking any of the men but i watched it from a distance. i was compelled to bring it along with us although no one else shared my enthusiasm - my best mate kept insisting that we trek forward. he was adamant on it, almost furious in his pursuit up this incredible hill ahead of us. when i woke up i was sure this had to mean something. dreams always mean something, right?

i always wondered why it was so fun writing about characters who were twisted, and why actors claim to enjoy doing villainous roles. maybe because of how it feels like to embody a character with zero moral obligations. shake a head, breathe a sigh. careless people just have a lot more fun.

i used to think that love was this defined by its innate complexity. it was this unfathomable concept that scientists or mathematicians could not dream to formulate. i used to think it was fictional. but i realise its definition is the way i feel about you.

one thing that infuriates me about you was that you settled. it was strange to watch from afar when i was once in a position of romantic inclination, but now seeing it clearer than ever i realise that your personality is impossible for me to accept. you were the best thing; you were the only thing. i guess that was what killed me. you could’ve had the world. you deserved the whole fucking world, in my eyes. but you couldn’t do it. there goes your pattern again while you spin atop a deck of cards. and you sit there with your cigarette, considering yet another individual unworthy. i know you’re perplexed as to why i’m angry. i’m angry because you aren’t.

“what you did was brave, you know.” “what did i do?” “it was heroic, almost, if that was your intention.” “i think there’s room for enlightenment here.” “you came close.” “close?” “close. when two faces meet at a standstill in dangerous proximity, we haven't realised but pheromones have been exchanged. a chemical cocktail, so to speak. hormones like dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin come into play. there is also a decrease in cortisol level - and amongst these, one of them triggers obsession and the feels of longing. care to take a guess?” “...the sarah donning?” “you provided the catalyst for confusion. do you realise that now? i hope you feel proud.” “no, actually, i guess i feel brave.”