#actuallyanorexia

mine first developed at 11; i needed a way to escape my home and to turn my body into a shield. shrinking it to bones seemed as good a way as any.

at 13, everyone knew so I got sneakier. a fierce desire to protect it. i still can’t listen to certain albums without bile rising up in my throat. backwards on scales next to supplements in cases.

at 16, i got diet pills from an older girl who could buy them because i was on stage a lot and wanted to look pretty. we met up at a coffee shop and she handed me a ziploc bag. my hands shook in class.

at 18, my stomach hurt every time i ate.

at 19, i didn’t know my running and fitness were compensatory until i got injured and suddenly felt the compulsion to purge everything i ate.

at 21, my whole family stopped eating when my dad went to prison. when everyone restarted as their grief began to dissipate, i did not. my body wore my sadness because i was too afraid to speak it. i ignored collect calls from an elliptical in a 24 hour gym.

a) having to hide your ed from everyone, weighing yourself only when nobody else is home, being Discreet