#actionsprite

The scent of salt is soothing as you land back on the sand. You are really glad that you won’t lose this place. Sure, the consorts are terrible, and you’re sunburned on every exposed inch of skin, and you’re still not quite over your seasickness, but it really is a tropical paradise. The scurvy dogs of legend sailed seas like these, trying to eke out a slice of the world where they answered to no one, where every man was his own master and owned whatever he could take and keep. Seeing this place, seeing the waves lapping the shores and the untamed jungles claiming the sands, you can see why it would be worth fighting for.

It’s too bad you lost the Flying Shadow. She didn’t survive the fight with the giant robots after your ascension. It would have been nice to try to patch her holes and smooth out her bumps and turn her from a splintery deathtrap into a seaworthy schooner.

Well, you’ll just have to fly instead.

As you soar upward, you peer out over the sparkling waters. The whirlpools that break up the monotony of the ocean churn, and you glide over one and stare down into its gaping maw. Were they actually portals that cut across the planet, or was that part of the white text guy’s trick?

…No, they weren’t. He definitely said that he couldn’t manipulate you while you were conscious, and everything he did supported that. They really are just a weird quirk that makes the Land of Tides and Trials what it is.

Just like before, you don’t see anything that would make one particular island special. You won’t be able to do this alone.

Well, you’ve been putting this off long enough.

You draw the spirograph necklace from your Sylladex.

STEVE: Hey, Fluke Nukem. Where are you? ACTIONSPRITE: NUCLEAR LAUNCH DETECTED

A glint in the sky rockets down, and your idiot of a sprite crashes into the sand.

ACTIONSPRITE: ACTIONSPRITE HAS JOINED YOUR PARTY! ACTIONSPRITE: GIVE A NICKNAME TO ACTIONSPRITE? STEVE: I… can’t believe this, but I’m glad you’re back. ACTIONSPRITE: NICKNAMES CANNOT BE LONGER THAN SEVEN LETTERS ACTIONSPRITE: GIVE A NICKNAME TO ACTIONSPRITE? STEVE: Don’t push it.

He grins.

STEVE: So… I guess I’m sorry. I was kind of a dick to you, and all you wanted was to help. ACTIONSPRITE: GOOD MEN MEAN WELL ACTIONSPRITE: WE JUST DON’T ALWAYS END UP DOING WELL STEVE: Yeah. STEVE: I shouldn’t have kicked you out like that. STEVE: I was so desperate for what I thought I wanted that I pushed everyone away. STEVE: So, I’m sorry. ACTIONSPRITE: NO ONE CAN CHANGE THE PAST ACTIONSPRITE: THE ONLY THING WE CAN DO IS STRIVE TO MAKE UP FOR OUR MISTAKES STEVE: Uh… STEVE: Is that “apology accepted”? ACTIONSPRITE: THERE’S NO USE CRYING OVER EVERY MISTAKE ACTIONSPRITE: YOU JUST KEEP ON TRYING UNTIL YOU RUN OUT- STEVE: Okay, enough of that. ACTIONSPRITE: I’M GLAD YOU’RE BACK STEVE

He sticks out a beefy hand, and you give it a firm shake.

STEVE: So. I think I already know the answer to this, but I haven’t completed my quest, have I? ACTIONSPRITE: NO STEVE: That chest and the screen were just part of his trick. STEVE: Can you help me find the real treasure? ACTIONSPRITE: LET’S-A GO

He zips off through the air, and you follow directly on his… well, he doesn’t have heels, so his weird ghostly sprite tail. The path you follow zig-zags, flitting between islands and whirlpools. His speed is incredible, far greater than you had ever seen him display before, and it’s just as incredible that you can keep up.

As you both start to slow, you see the island ahead. It has the first structure you’ve seen on the planet, a stone ziggurat flanked by carved totem poles. You don’t know how you failed to see it before; you’re pretty sure that you recognize the islands nearby from your month-long wild goose chase.

He lands at the start of the path leading to the pyramid, so you do to. The stones are cool as your feet touch down on them. You stopped wearing shoes during your sailing expedition after the first few waves made your every step squelch.

STEVE: Why did we stop? ACTIONSPRITE: THE TREASURE LIES AT THE TOP OF THE PYRAMID STEVE: Okay. Let’s go up. ACTIONSPRITE: AS A HERO OF HEART, YOU WALK THE PATH OF SELF

It doesn’t look too far. If he wants you to climb up on your own feet, you can oblige.

STEPHANIE: Steve?

You turn around just as she throws her arms around, and you return the hug with a smile.

STEVE: Hey, Steph.

Her outfit is a deep blue (cerulean? Indigo? Wait, that’s more like purple), with a hood and long pants. When you step back, you can see a circular swirly pattern on her shirt.

STEVE: So you’re god tier too? STEPHANIE: Yeah. Knight of Void. STEVE: That’s awesome. Way better than Page of Heart. STEPHANIE: Let me see your god suit.

Your face burns.

STEVE: Uh… STEVE: You don’t want to see it. STEVE: It’s really dumb. STEPHANIE: I bet it’s part of your quest. You have to wear it. STEVE: No way!

The corners of her mouth creep up.

STEPHANIE: Hey sprite. STEPHANIE: The god tier outfit is part of the quest, isn’t it? ACTIONSPRITE: UH ACTIONSPRITE: I AM ERROR STEPHANIE: That means yes. STEPHANIE: Put it on, Steve.

You keep staring into her wide eyes. Those circle-rimmed glasses magnify them, and you can see that sparkle they get when she starts smiling.

STEVE: …Crap.

Sighing, you close your eyes, and the Captain’s Accoutrements switch to the stupid pink shirt and embarrassingly small leggings.

STEPHANIE: …Woah. STEVE: Augh it’s so stupid!

You wince as you see her gaze drop to your bare legs. The heat in your cheeks is scalding.

STEVE: Okay, I am changing now. STEPHANIE: No! STEPHANIE: I mean, you have to keep wearing it for your quest. STEVE: …Fine. STEVE: I’ll be right back. I just have to go up there. STEPHANIE: I’m coming too. STEVE: What? STEPHANIE: That guy with the white text said he was going to kill you. STEPHANIE: I’m invisible to him, so I’m staying with you. STEVE: …Well, okay, but I don’t think you’re allowed. STEVE: As a Hero of Heart, I have to walk the path of self, or something like that. ACTIONSPRITE: THAT IS CORRECT STEPHANIE: You have to walk the path of self? What does that mean? STEVE: …I don’t actually know. I think it means I have to learn to stand up for myself or something. That sounds like the kind of dumb moral this quest would have. STEPHANIE: Well, you have to walk the path of self, but you don’t have to walk it alone, do you? STEVE: …I guess not.

She gives you a gentle shove, and you start walking. Stephanie stays in step with you.

STEVE: So what was your quest? STEPHANIE: It was kind of the same thing. Learning to stand up for myself and that I’m not nothing. STEVE: Well geez, I could have told you that.

You climb the tiered steps up the ziggurat, trying to ignore your bare legs. Somehow all the hair on them has disappeared. It’s kind of disquieting.

At the top of the pyramid is an altar. Etched into the sides are the same heart symbol as on your chest.

STEVE: What… what is this?

On the top of the altar is a sheet of notebook paper. You pick it up.

It’s a drawing.

STEVE: This…

It’s a starry moonlight night on a pier – it looks like the one from your yearly beach weeks. There’s a bench – you’ve eaten lunch on it before – and you’re sitting on it. Stephanie’s sitting beside you, with her head on your shoulder, and you’re holding her hand. She’s smiling, and she’s beautiful.

STEVE: You… drew this, didn’t you?

She takes one look at it and turns as red as you are.

STEPHANIE: How did that... STEPHANIE: But I… STEPHANIE: That can’t…

A shiver runs through you.

STEVE: …This is the picture you used for your sprite, isn’t it? STEPHANIE: Uh…

Dear god.

You are such an idiot.

STEVE: You… didn’t want yourself as a sprite. STEVE: You wanted me. STEVE: I am so stupid.

She snatches the paper from your hand.

STEPHANIE: No you aren’t! STEPHANIE: You’re a genius! STEPHANIE: And you’re nice – maybe even nicer than Liz. STEPHANIE: And funny, unlike James. STEPHANIE: Steve, you shouldn’t be jealous of Greg. STEPHANIE: You don’t need to go on a quest to see how great you are. STEPHANIE: We all know. You’re the best person out of any of us. STEPHANIE: That’s why we follow you as our leader. STEPHANIE: And… STEPHANIE: That’s why I love you.

You stare into those sparkling eyes made large by silver glasses, into the eyes of the person who always listens to what you have to say and says more back, into the eyes of the friend who always has a clever quip or an interesting story and makes every day interesting, into the eyes of the girl whose charm and beauty and wit light every dark corner of your life.

And you pull her in for the fiercest kiss in paradox space.

ACTIONSPRITE: ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED ACTIONSPRITE: PARAMOUR

You pull back for a second.

STEVE: Hang on. I’m going to go kill him. STEPHANIE: No.

After three hours of walking, you finally reach the far end of the island. It shouldn’t have taken that long; you had to make long detours to avoid the natives. You’ve had enough experience dodging tropical fruits that you now have the reflexes of a ninj awesome sneaky pirate. Unfortunately, as years of grinding has taught you, avoiding combat doesn’t earn you levels. You’re hoping that this shortcut your weird new guide is describing will help with that.

The beach on this island is covered in driftwood. You wonder where it came from; the monkeys don’t seem the seafaring type. There’s enough random bits of flotsam that you could build a raft if you really needed it. That wouldn’t be smart though – a few hundred feet from the shore you can see a large whirlpool. If you tried to cast off here, you’d inevitably get sucked in. This is going to make searching for this supposedly amazing treasure difficult.

-- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] began badgering anonymousAdvisor [AA] – -

SS: Uh, hello? AA: I am here, Mister Garrison. I am always here. SS: Okay, that’s not creepy. SS: So… what am I supposed to do now? AA: You have a number of tasks to accomplish. Three is a nice number. Let’s say three tasks. AA: You will need a seaworthy vessel. Thankfully, you have all the necessary material before you. SS: Uh… SS: I’m not a shipbuilder. I don’t know the first thing about it. AA: The proper term is shipwright, and you needn’t worry in that regard. The primates that have troubled you are fine carpenters. SS: Great. I was hoping I wouldn’t have to deal with them anymore. AA: You just need to learn how to talk to them. SS: Ugh. SS: Even if I do get a ship, I won’t be able to go anywhere. That whirlpool would just sink me. AA: Actually, that will not be a problem. The whirlpool is your first destination. SS: Uh… what? AA: Think of it like a Gate. SS: Oh. Does it take me to the next gate? AA: You don’t want to go through any more Gates. SS: I don’t? I thought that was kind of the point. AA: The first Gate on a player’s planet leads to the most pivotal point on that planet. For you, it is this island, where you will build your ship. AA: The second Gate leads to the planet of the player’s server. Do you really wish to travel to Mister Carsten? SS: Yeah, no. AA: Precisely. Your best course of action is to stay on this planet and find your treasure. AA: Your second task is to obtain a map. AA: Ordinarily, you would sail the seas, combing each island and charting territory as you go. This would be very slow and arduous. I imagine you would much rather skip straight to the end. SS: Yeah, I never did like screwing around until the next plot coupon pops up. SS: Does this mean I miss a lot of experience? I don’t want to end up underleveled. AA: I have a plan for that. You needn’t worry. SS: Okay. So what’s the third thing? AA: That I think you’ll enjoy. AA: You need to be rid of the dead weight dragging you down. SS: Dead weight? AA: Your hindrance of a sprite.

--

That may be the best news you’ve heard all week.

STEVE: Hey Marcus Fauxnix. ACTIONSPRITE: I LIVE TO SERVE STEVE: Not any more you don’t. I’m banishing you, or releasing you or whatever. ACTIONSPRITE: I DON’T UNDERSTAND “banishing you, or releasing you or whatever” STEVE: Get. Lost. ACTIONSPRITE: STEVE ACTIONSPRITE: DON’T DO THIS STEVE: I have a new guide. One who’s actually helpful. STEVE: And doesn’t annoy me. ACTIONSPRITE: STEVE ACTIONSPRITE: YOU CAN’T LISTEN TO HIM ACTIONSPRITE: HE’S TRYING TO RUIN YOU STEVE: Really? STEVE: He wants to help me find that treasure that’s so important. STEVE: What do you want me to do? ACTIONSPRITE: YOU NEED TO CONTACT YOUR SERVER AND BUILD TO THE NEXT GATE STEVE: Really. And where will that lead me? ACTIONSPRITE: WHERE YOU NEED TO GO STEVE: Would that happen to be Greg’s world? ACTIONSPRITE: …MAYBE STEVE: You weren’t going to tell me that, were you? STEVE: You were going to send me to the doorstep of the guy who almost killed me, and you weren’t even going to tell me. STEVE: Yeah, I think I trust this guy more than you. Get out. ACTIONSPRITE: …IS THIS REALLY WHAT YOU WANT? STEVE: Yes! ACTIONSPRITE: … ACTIONSPRITE: WHENEVER THERE IS A MEETING, A PARTING IS SURE TO FOLLOW ACTIONSPRITE: HOWEVER ACTIONSPRITE: THAT PARTING NEED NOT LAST FOREVER ACTIONSPRITE: WHETHER A PARTING BE FOREVER OR MERELY FOR A SHORT TIME... ACTIONSPRITE: THAT IS UP TO YOU STEVE: That would almost be touching if I didn’t know you were just parroting Zelda. ACTIONSPRITE: STEVE ACTIONSPRITE: IT’S DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE ACTIONSPRITE: TAKE THIS ACTIONSPRITE: PLEASE

He hands you a necklace. The pendant on the end is a circle of ceramic with the spirograph logo on it in blue.

ACTIONSPRITE: IF YOU EVER NEED HELP ACTIONSPRITE: YOU CAN CALL ME STEVE: Yeah, whatever. ACTIONSPRITE: AND STEVE ACTIONSPRITE: WHEN DEALING WITH THAT MAN ACTIONSPRITE: PREPARE FOR UNFORSEEN CONSEQUENCES STEVE: Get the hell out of here.

You almost feel bad as your sprite floats dejectedly away. Almost.

--

Rrrrrg!

-- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] began badgering bebopBelter [BB] –

SS: I’m going to kill Greg. You in? BB: hell yeah BB: whatd he do now SS: I asked him to build my house so I could reach my gate. SS: And all he did was give me a fricking ladder! SS: Yeah, I’d love to climb a ladder 50 stories into the air with nothing to stop me from falling to my death. SS: That sounds great! BB: what a fucking asshole SS: Seriously. BB: did you make it thru your gate SS: After like 30 panic attacks, yeah. BB: whered it take you BB: i havent gone thru mine yet BB: been busy using my badass new glove BB: im a real dog of the military now SS: Oh god. You made an automail hand? BB: that does alchemy BB: its fucking awesome SS: You are such a dork. BB: look whos talking BB: your king of the dorks BB: you know dork means whale penis right BB: your the biggest whale boner BB: a giant moby dick SS: So anyway. SS: I made it through my gate. SS: And it just took me to some different island. SS: And more stupid coconut throwing monkeys. BB: but i thought you liked monkey island SS: …

-- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] blocked bebopBelter [BB] –

-- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] unblocked bebopBelter [BB] –

BB: fucking rofl SS: So what are you actually doing? BB: getting ready to fight a mecha BB: thats my quest BB: build a giant robot and fight a huge monster BB: fucking badass SS: Yeah, good luck with that. SS: Ow! Monkeys! Catch you later.

-- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] ceased badgering bebopBelter [BB] --

Okay, you know they can talk. Back on your home island you had a few conversations with Jack (granted, they consisted heavily of the word ‘ook’ but they still counted). They just choose to communicate by throwing things at you. There’s probably some stupid subtle language in the angle of the toss and the velocity of the rebound and something dumb like that.

STEVE: AAAAAAAAUGH! STEVE: MONKEYS! DIDDY: Ook? STEVE: Don’t you ook at me! STEVE: I know you can talk. CRANKY: Want banana. STEVE: No! STEVE: No bananas until you help me! CRANKY: Want. STEVE: Too bad. STEVE: I have a treasure to find and more gates to reach, and I’m not doing this alone. ACTIONSPRITE: YOUR REPUTATION WITH THIS FACTION IS TOO LOW STEVE: …Just shoot me now.

You make a saving throw against insanity and face your sprite. Somehow he found a tropical drink that looks really good right now. It’s been too long since you had something in your stomach.

STEVE: I was really hoping I’d left you behind when I went through the gate. ACTIONSPRITE: YOUR PARTY MUST INCLUDE THIS MEMBER FOR THIS QUEST STEVE: Ugh. Can you at least do something to help me? ACTIONSPRITE: NOT ENOUGH MP STEVE: After I kill Greg, I’m coming for you next. ANDROSS: Ook? STEVE: Then you. All of you. ACTIONSPRITE: YOU’VE MET WITH A TERRIBLE FATE, HAVEN’T YOU?

You pointedly ignore him and look around. The island the gate lead you to is larger than any of the ones you’d seen from your house. In fact, now that you think about it, you can’t see your house at all. That’s kind of a problem. The Alchemiter is there, along with your fridge.

STEVE: Okay, Nathan Fake, tell me this. Is there a way for me to get back to my house? And if you say anything about a Scroll of Town Portal, I’m going to shove your head underwater until the bubbles stop. ACTIONSPRITE: YOU’RE NO FUN ACTIONSPRITE: THERE IS A RETURN GATE ON THIS ISLAND ACTIONSPRITE: YOU CAN USE IT TO TRAVEL BACK AND FORTH STEVE: Finally! Useful information!

JACK: Ook? STEVE: Yes, see. You take the coconut and set it- JACK: Ook! STEVE: Ow! No! Bad monkey!

Your attempts to civilize these damn dirty apes have failed spectacularly. Liz insists that as consorts, they worship you. If this is worship, you’d hate to see loathing.

ACTIONSPRITE: THAT’S THE SECOND BIGGEST MONKEY HEAD I’VE EVER SEEN STEVE: Oh dear god you’re back. STEVE: I’m going to go bash my head into unconsciousness. ACTIONSPRITE: CAN’T LET YOU DO THAT STEVE FOX STEVE: …Even James wouldn’t stoop that low. ACTIONSPRITE: I’M NOT SORRY STEVE: You’re supposed to be my guide, right? Give me advice! ACTIONSPRITE: TALK TO EVERYONE STEVE: Useful advice. ACTIONSPRITE: DODONGO DISLIKES SMOKE STEVE: Advice useful to me here and now! ACTIONSPRITE: NEVER PAY MORE THAN 20 BUCKS FOR A COMPUTER GAME STEVE: Stop bothering me and get back to exploring the other islands. There has to be something out there. ACTIONSPRITE: THERE IS ACTIONSPRITE: YOU HAVE A NEW QUEST

You pointedly refuse to turn to face him. You just know he’s managed to materialize an exclamation mark over his head.

STEVE: If you ask to me to collect ten of something, I am going to jam this staff up your- ACTIONSPRITE: NO ACTIONSPRITE: IT IS YOUR PERSONAL QUEST ACTIONSPRITE: AS ONE OF THE SIX HEROES ACTIONSPRITE: IN ORDER TO REACH YOUR FULL POTENTIAL STEVE: Wait, you have actual information about the game to give me? ACTIONSPRITE: THIS PLANET HOLDS A TERRIBLE SECRET ACTIONSPRITE: A GREAT TREASURE ACTIONSPRITE: AND A DEADLY CURSE STEVE: All three at the same time? ACTIONSPRITE: YES ACTIONSPRITE: AS A PAGE, YOU HAVE INCREDIBLE UNTAPPED POWER ACTIONSPRITE: YOU MUST SAIL ACROSS THESE SEAS AND FIND THIS SECRET CURSED TREASURE STEVE: I’m a what now? ACTIONSPRITE: DO YOU WANT ME TO REPEAT THAT?                         -> YES                              NO STEVE: Yeah, I want you to explain what you just said. ACTIONSPRITE: IT IS YOUR PERSONAL QUEST ACTIONSPRITE: AS ONE OF THE SIX HEROES ACTIONSPRITE: IN ORDER TO REACH YOUR FULL POTENTIAL

You tune him out.

So you’re a page? Like from a book? Or like one of those medieval dudes?

Maybe one of your friends knows something about this. They all seem to have sprites that aren’t intolerably annoying.

That’s weird. You know Tiffany just entered the game (thank goodness), but her BadgerBud is set to busy. So are James and Stephanie. Even Greg and Liz are unavailable.

Everyone made sure to have portable computing devices to stay in constant communication. What could they be doing?

A sudden strike in your mind drops you to your knees. As you close your eyes, you see your stupid sprite clutching his head over you.

ACTIONSPRITE: STEVE? ACTIONSPRITE: STEVE! ACTIONSPRITE: STEEEEEEVE!

You sit up on your bed.

Your eyes meet a wonderfully familiar pair.

The nerve of that guy!

He thinks he can tell you how to win a game? You’ve been gaming since you were a kid!

You’ll show him. You’ll make the best weapon in the game right now.

You just have to figure out how.

ACTIONSPRITE: USE THE BOOST TO GET THROUGH! STEVE: Is that supposed to mean something? Because it doesn’t. ACTIONSPRITE: HAVE YOU TRIED USING EVERY ITEM IN YOUR INVENTORY WITH EVERY OTHER ITEM? STEVE: Stop saying words. ACTIONSPRITE: FINE ACTIONSPRITE: YOU COMBINE ITEMS USING THE PUNCH DESIGNIX ACTIONSPRITE: BY EITHER ADDING OR CROSSING THE CAPTCHA CODES ACTIONSPRITE; YOU CAN IMBUE YOUR ITEMS WITH NEW POWER ACTIONSPRITE: WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO REPEAT THAT?                         -> YES                              NO

So you combine the captcha codes of two items? Okay, you can do that.

Staff || Studded Building Bricks = STUDDED STAFF

Now you have a staff made of bricks. It’s square, making it uncomfortable to hold. You give it an experimental swing, and it falls apart.

Okay. So that won’t work. You bet Greg didn’t make something awesome on his first try either.

Staff && Video Game Poster = +1 STAFF

Hey! This is better than the last one. It’s even better than your normal staff. One better, to be precise, although one what you can’t say.

Maybe you don’t need a really cool weapon. You should try creating something else, like a sweet suit of armor.

Looking around your room for inspiration, your eyes fall on this year’s calendar. Every Christmas you receive the next year’s calendar from your mom. It’s not a very flashy gift, but it’s become tradition so you have to put up with it. This one was the best yet. In addition to marking the usual holidays – Easter, Thanksgiving, Arbor Day – it also notes when famous piratical battles happened. Each month has the flag and ship diagram of a legendary outlaw; September is “Black Bart” Roberts, who sailed to St. Christopher in 1720.

Hooded Sweatshirt && Pirate Calendar = CAPTAIN’S ACCOUTREMENTS

Alright! This is more like it! You’re now wearing a full coat that stretches down to the floor. It’s got large pockets, silver trimming, and even a holster for a pistol (you may have to expand your Strife Portfolio). The Jolly Roger grins on your breast pocket. This is definitely better than whatever dumb sword Greg made.

It’s still missing something, though.

Of course! You need a way to check BadgerBud and keep acting as Stephanie’s server.

Laptop || Captain’s Accoutrements = IPATCH

The iPatch projects over your right eye, displaying your laptop’s screen.

Of course, now you’ve got to have a weapon worthy of this awesome attire. You think you’ve got the hang of this alchemy thing. Time to try something strange.

Staff && Geometry Book = ARCHIMEDES’ WORLDMOVER

This is, without question, the best item in the game.

It’s made of a polished marble, with equations carefully etched along its length. Sigmas and pis and phis and all the other symbols glow on the smooth surface. As you swing it, you can feel the power of math coursing through you. All you need is a place to stand, and you really could move the world.

But now you’re out of grist. This was expensive, but it was totally worth it. You need to find a way to meet up with Greg so you can rub his nose in it. There’s no way he could have come up with something this good. One look at your coat and your staff, and he’ll admit that he was wrong about being the team leader.

The ground shakes suddenly. Through the window you can see an enormous figure rising out of the ocean in front of your home island. You dash down the stairs and out onto the porch.

A great SILT OGRE looms over you.

Just a few minutes ago, you would have been terrified.

Now, you get a good grip on your staff and give it a grin.

A rhythmic pounding echoes in your head. It’s like your brain is trying to beat its way out of your skull.

Crash. Crash. Crash.

Wait. That’s not just your headache.

Using your staff to prop yourself up, you make your way over to one of the two windows of the master bedroom and peer out.

You look across the LAND OF TIDES AND TRIALS.

Your house sits on a small island. A solitary palm tree shares the sand, and it appears to bear a trio of coconuts. A number of other islands, also decked with tropical vegetation, break up the otherwise endless sea that stretches across the horizon. Steady waves break on the shore of your home island. Other than the plants, you seem to be the only living creature in this vast expanse.

Trying to shake off the throbbing of your head, you stagger back into your bedroom. Everything is exactly as you left it; the Cruxtruder still blocks the door to the attic, but its digital countdown is now blank. You suppose you did manage to escape fiery doom.

ACTIONSPRITE: !

Ugh. What is that stupid thing chirping about now? And does it have to be so shrill?

!

You turn to face a swarthy SAND IMP. It sneers at you over its sunglasses, and its five o’clock shadow is clear even on its pitch black face. Its vest is tattered at the ends, clearly the victim of some cool battle. As it menaces at you, it cracks the knuckles on all four arms.

STRIFE!

You choose to ASSESS. With a careful eye, you examine its combat capabilities. It may look tough, but you can tell it’s entirely empty bravado. The imp puts up its dukes and waves them like an amateur.

The imp AGGRIEVES! It swings a mighty left hook!

You successfully AVERT the blow, deflecting it with the end of your staff. All those years of martial arts didn’t entirely go to waste! Master Robinson would be proud.

Actually, she would probably smack you upside the head for your embarrassing stance. And for leaping off your bedframe. And for not attending lessons more often.

In fact, she’d probably just smack you on principle.

Now it’s your turn to AGGRIEVE. You pivot on the balls of your heels and let your momentum carry the staff across the imp’s face.

KA-POW!

The imp explodes in a shower of grist.

Your victory sends you up a rung on your Echeladder, rising from KID KEELHAULER to SWABBY STRIPLING! Your maximum Gel Viscosity and Cache Limit are increased, and you find yourself the proud owner of a fine new feather in your cap. A shiny BOONDOLLAR drops into your Ceramic Porkhollow.

The grist vanishes as you pick it up, storing itself in your grist cache. You aren’t quite sure how you know the current value of your grist cache, but you can tell it isn’t very much.

ACTIONSPRITE: A WINNER IS YOU

You wonder how much that stupid thing will drop. It shies away as you wave your staff at it.

ACTIONSPRITE: FRIENDLY FIRE WILL NOT BE TOLERATED STEVE: Can you actually say anything original? ACTIONSPRITE: I CAN ACTIONSPRITE: I CHOOSE NOT TO ACTIONSPRITE: A MAN CHOOSES STEVE: Ugh, shut up. STEVE: What are you, anyway? ACTIONSPRITE: I AM YOUR SPRITE ACTIONSPRITE: I SERVE AS YOUR GUIDE THROUGH THE MEDIUM ACTIONSPRITE: YOU WILL EMBARK ON A QUEST ACROSS THE INCIPISPHERE ACTIONSPRITE: YOU WILL GATHER POWERFUL ALLIES ACTIONSPRITE: AND EARN DANGEROUS ENEMIES ACTIONSPRITE: YOU WILL EXPLORE STRANGE LANDS ACTIONSPRITE: AND TREACHEROUS DUNGEONS ACTIONSPRITE: IN THE END ACTIONSPRITE: YOU WILL ASCEND TO THE BATTLEFIELD AND FACE YOUR FINAL FOE ACTIONSPRITE: AND CLAIM THE ULTIMATE REWARD ACTIONSPRITE: WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO REPEAT THAT?                       -> YES                            NO STEVE: Uh, no.

You plop down into your chair and stare at your computer.

To your utter shock, your Bud Ballot is alive and kicking. All of your friends seem to be online, and not crushed by meteors.

-- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] began badgering intenseImpressionist [II] –

You’re doomed.

Completely, utterly, totally screwed beyond comprehension.

The jerkwad threw the sofa-bed through the window.

Your mom is going to go ballistic.

In its place is what you recognize from the FAQ as the Totem Lathe. It’s tall and thin, sharp and angular. Knobs, dials, buttons, and wheels cover it. If you had more time, you’d probably start fiddling with it.

ACTIONSPRITE: YOU DON’T HAVE TIME TO PLAY WITH YOURSELF

Ugh. That thing won’t shut up. You’re beginning to really regret your choice of literature.

The centerpiece of the Totem Lathe looks like just the right shape for that weird cylinder you pulled from the Cruxtruder. If your vast experience with games has taught you anything, it’s that the only way to proceed is to use items with other items until something good happens. You withdraw the cylinder (you need a better name for it. Cruxore? Good enough.) and slot it into the Lathe.

Now what?

None of the buttons looks particularly more important than the others. You don’t have time to experiment. Maybe if you run back, you can pick up your laptop and check the FAQ again.

ACTIONSPRITE: IT’S DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE ACTIONSPRITE: TAKE THIS

Okay, you are officially fed up with that thing. You’re going to-

Wait, what is that?

There’s a captchalogue card on the floor. It’s not one of yours; you made sure to clear this room out when you got your sweet TV. In fact, it looks like it’s trash. Someone poked a bunch of holes in it. Your mom would never let one of her cards get roughed up like this. Did the jerkwad drop it here? Is it part of the game?

ACTIONSPRITE: IT MIGHT BE HANDY IF YOU, THE MASTER OF UNLOCKING, TAKE IT

It sounds like that thing wants you to use it. And sure enough, there’s a little slot in the Totem Lathe just the right size for the card.

Well, nothing ventured, nothing gained. You slip the card into the Lathe. Almost immediately, the Cruxore starts spinning, and a set of needle-like pins descend upon it. Moments later, your perfect Cruxore cylinder is now a weird piece of art. You snatch it, tucking it under your arm.

The temperature has skyrocketed in the last few minutes. You can’t have more than a minute or two left.

Sprinting down the hall, you slide into your mom’s room. Her large bed has been shoved against the wall to make room for the last item of the Phernalia Registry – the Alchemiter. On one corner is a pedestal, perfectly sized for your new Cruxore creation. You slam it into place, panicking as the pivoting arm unfolds. Precious seconds slip away as the laser runs up and down the ridges of the ore, and finally the central platform zaps to life.

A familiar object springs into existence on the podium, the same shade of maroon as the ore and your floating follower. Its spots are represented by round dimples to create a different hue.

The last thing you see through the hazy heated air is your hand slamming into the glittering mushroom.

The floating maroon hero stares you down. His cool eyes lock with yours. He points a strong finger at you.

ACTIONSPRITE: ARE YOU A BAD ENOUGH DUDE TO RESCUE THE UNIVERSE?

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