#act6act3

Okay, so she’s humanoid, evidently. Unless only her dreamself is. Also, if her dreamself is dead what about her real body?

uu: HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Okay, he definitely typed all of that out manually.

I really should’ve know Jack would be invovled somehow.

Fucking hell what is this four Jacks running around now?

   uu: TO GET THE ARCHAGENT TO DO IT. uu: TO GET HIM TO GO TO PROSPIT. uu: AND KNIFE A BITCH. uu: SINCE AS YOu MuST KNOW. uu: A DERSE GuY CAN'T JuST GO FLYING ACROSS THE MEDIuM. uu: IT'S AGAINST THE RuLES. uu: SO. uu: I HIRED HIM. TT: How? uu: I PAID HIM OFF. uu: WITH CANDY. uu: EVERY MAN HAS HIS PRICE. uu: WHEN IT COMES TO SWEETS.    

uu: THE TWIST TO THE TWIST IS. uu: I WON'T TELL YOu WHAT THE SHITTY TWIST IS FOR A YEAR!!! TT: Wow. TT: That... TT: Really is quite a shitty twist. 

Except it’s not really a twist. It’s just very bad pacing.  And douchebaggery.

uu: YOuR GRATIFICATION ON THIS MATTER WILL BE DELAYED. uu: I HAVE NOTICED. AS YOuR AWFuL MEANDERING SAGA WENDS ITS WAY. THROuGH THE ASS CRACK OF NOWHERE AND BACK. uu: ANSWERS TO POINTLESS QuESTIONS ARE OFTEN DEFERRED. NIGH INDEFINITELY. uu: AND SO THIS WILL CAuSE YOu TO REFLECT. uPON A LIFETIME SPENT. uu: BEING INSIDE A BuLLSHIT STORY LIKE THAT. uu: IS THE IRONY NOT FuCKING DELICIOuS? TT: Not really. 

I can’t help but imagine that this is some sort of meta commentary on how the comic keeps bringing up weird shit and not addressing it for thousands of pages. Also, I can’t help but think that Dirk isn’t even going to remember this by the time this comes up again.

uu: I WILL TELL YOu THE FATE OF MY SISTER IN ONE YEAR. uu: AT THAT TIME I WILL TELL YOu THE TWIST. uu: AND ALTHOuGH YOu PLAYED MY GAME SuCCESSFuLLY. uu: IN ORDER TO SPARE HER LIFE. uu: IT WILL HAVE TuRNED OuT. uu: ALL ALONG. uu: TO YOuR SHOCK AND ASTONISHMENT. uu: THAT... 

Okay the twist is almost certainly that he killed her anyway. I mean come on.

uu: THAAAAT... 

   uu: I ALREADY KILLED HER!!!!! TT: What? TT: Killed who? uu: AHHH. HA. HA. HA. HA. HA. TT: Oh, right. TT: I forgot about this horseshit. uu: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.    

TT: Yeah. TT: Those girls sure are diggin' each other. TT: That's how we humans roll. TT: Eat some cake. Hold some hands. uu: AH. BuT THEIR TAWDRY ROMP IS FAR FROM OVER. uu: JANE HAS HAD A LITTLE TOO MuCH CAKE TO EAT. uu: PERHAPS HER HuMAN TuMMY NEEDS A RuB? TT: Ha ha. TT: Oh god. 

What bugs me most about this is how fucking sticky they would be all covered with frosting like that. Eagh.

uu: WHAT'S THIS! COuLD IT BE. uu: YOuR BREAKING POINT IS IN SIGHT. uu: YOu ARE BECOMING SQuEAMISH. I CAN FEEL IT. uu: YES. uu: YESSSSS. TT: If you think this is making me uncomfortable, think again. uu: NO I'LL THINK ONLY ONCE. YOu ARE SuCCuMBING TO MY GAME. YOu ARE BECOMING PSYCHOLOGICALLY uNGLuED AND I AM WINNING. TT: Nice wishful thinking there. TT: I'm not even merely tolerating this, bro. TT: I swear to god, I'll get my own horse running harder in this fuckin' race than you could ever dream. uu: WHAT. HORSE? 

This had better not be leading into more fetishy horse shit. I can only take so much of that.

TT: Think I'll blink first, motherfucker? TT: Not happening. TT: I might splinter. TT: But I don't break. uu: OH WHATEVER. ASSHOLE. uu: IS THAT SuPPOSED TO BE "COOL". TT: You want a fuckin' tummy rub? TT: That shit sounds white hot. I can't wait to draw that and get us both sexually stimulated. TT: Here I goddamn go. Boners galore. 

Well, if nothing else I guess this is a scene that could kind of possibly be mistaken for something related to pornography?  Shittily drawn fetish pornography, but still.  Also fuck that’s a long arm.

TT: This is giving me the biggest male human boner of my entire erection life. uu: STOP MENTIONING MALE HuMAN BONERS. uu: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THOSE ARE. AND I DON'T WANT TO. uu: SO IF THAT WAS THE PLAN ALL ALONG. uu: TO MENTION BONERS. uu: YOuR PLAN FuCKING SuCKED. TT: You want a shitty twist?

Aaaaand Dirk just won.

uu: OK. uu: WE'RE DONE HERE. uu: THIS GAME IS OVER. 

Don’t worry, the future will be way more exciting.

uu: NOTHING JuST YET. WE WILL NOT BE RECKLESS WITH THEIR COuRTSHIP. uu: THEY TAKE THINGS SLOW. WE MILK THIS FuCKER AND MAKE ITS TEAT OuR BITCH. IT WILL BE DELICIOuS. TT: Ok. TT: So they're just... TT: Standing there? uu: ONE OF THEM IS SHY AND RELuCTANT TO ADVANCE. uu: JANE. THE JANE HuMAN IS RELuCTANT AND SHY. uu: YOu WILL RENDER THE JANE HuMAN AS SHOWING A BASHFuL AND COQuETTISH DEMEANOR. uu: I DON'T KNOW HOW SOMEONE DRAWS THAT THOuGH. I'M NOT A FuCKING ARTIST. uu: YOu'RE THE ARTIST. MAKE THAT HAPPEN. AND MAKE IT PERFECT. TT: Not a problem.  

How the fuck does he even know a word like “coquettish”?

Okay, this is more amusing than I though it would be.

uu: OOOOOOOH. LOOK AT HER. uu: SHE HAS HER EYE ON THAT ROMANTICALLY DESIRABLE BITCH. OH WHAT SHE WOuLD SAY TO HER. IF SHE COuLD SuMMON THE NERVE. TT: Maybe she wants to ask her out? uu: SHuT uP. I'M RuNNING THIS. uu: NOW. uu: THE ROXY HuMAN TAKES THE INITIATIVE IN THE ENCOuNTER. uu: SHE PLACES HER BEVERAGE ON THE FLOOR. SHE SAuNTERS uP TO JANE. AND PERPETRATES ONE OF YOuR HuMAN "WINKS".

Looks about right.  Roxy isn’t really that subtle.

uu: SHE KEEPS HER FuCKING HAND TO HERSELF YOu PRESuMPTuOuS TOOL. uu: ERASE THAT. NOW. 

Bah it’s fine just the way it fucking is.

uu: AND NOW. uu: THE ROXY HuMAN OPENS HER HEART. AND PROFESSES HER "FEELINGS". uu: THE BITCH TELLS THE OTHER BITCH A POEM. uu: MAKE THE BITCH SAY A POEM. DO IT. TT: Sure. 

Oh I can’t wait to see this. I can only hope this is foreshadowing for Roxy actually trying to write a poem. There’s no way that shit won’t be hilarious.

Not enough typos.

uu: DAMN! OH DAMN. uu: HA HA. LOOK AT HER. SHE'S EATING THAT SHIT uP. uu: GIVE THE BITCH A ROSE! TT: Ok. TT: Wait. TT: Which one? uu: NO WAIT. uu: BOTH BITCHES GIVE *EACH OTHER* A FuCKING ROSE!!! TT: http://goo.gl/GLNHH uu: YES! uu: YES! uu: NOW MAKE HER. uu: MAKE HER DO THE THING. THE SHAMEFuL THING WHERE SHE RuBS THE ROSE ON THE HER FACE. uu: YOu KNOW. THE HuMAN PRACTICE. WHEREBY POIGNANT EMOTIONS ARE CONDuCTED THROuGH FACIAL TISSuE. uu: AS CHANNELED THROuGH THE STEM OF A FRAGRANT PLANT. DRAW THAT SHIT. 

It might be because I haven’t really watched a lot of romantic things, but I’m pretty sure rubbing your face on a plant isn’t really a common thing.

Also wouldn’t that fucking hurt?

uu: MAKE HER SING! uu: JANE HuMAN SINGS. WHILE STILL DOING THAT. HER SuLTRY PARTNER GLISTENS WITH EMOTIONAL PERSPIRATION DOLLOPS. 

uu: uuuuuuNGH. uu: OH *MERRRCY*. uu: THAT IS JuST. uu: SOO. uu: GRODY. TT: Does your sister even know you're into this sappy shipping stuff? TT: You berate her constantly for everything, and I know she likes to write and illustrate romfics and the like. uu: NO. SHE ENJOYS IT FOR WRONG AND DISGuSTING REASONS. uu: HER FASCINATION WITH THE RED STIRRINGS OF INFERIOR RACES. IT STRIKES ME AS TOO SINCERE AND THEREFORE REPELLENT. uu: MY ENJOYMENT IS. IRONIC.

Yeah no, I don’t believe that for a second.  You sir, are a terrible liar.

TT: Again, you just don't seem to know what ironic means. TT: Your enjoyment of this content is clearly sincere. You are just fetishizing your "disgust" for it, is all. uu: FuCK YOu WITH THAT ASSESSMENT. uu: YOu DON'T TELL ME. OF WHAT VALuE THE PORNOGRAPHY HAS TO ME. IN MY OWN GAME. uu: YOu JuST FuCKING DRAW. AND DON'T TALK. TT: I'm just saying, it's an interest you have in common. If you told her you liked her romantic artwork, maybe you could bond over that? uu: BONDING. uu: IS THE LAST FuCKING THING WE NEED TO DO. uu: I HAVE NOT TOLD HER OF MY IRONIC FASCINATIONS. AND YOu WILL NOT EITHER. uu: I WILL NOT TELL HER. THAT I SECRETLY PERuSE HER WORK IN A STATE OF PETRIFIED MORTIFICATION FOR HOuRS. AND NEITHER WILL YOu. TT: Fair enough. TT: So, game over yet? uu: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! uu: NO. 

Really, you should’ve known better than to try to to explain that to him.  Also come on, did you really think that a shared interest would override his irrational hatred for his sister?

uu: I SAID BEFORE. uu: THESE STEAMY BOTHERED uP BITCHES ARE HuNGRY FOR SWEETS. uu: THE JANE HuMAN HAS BAKED A CAKE. TT: And? uu: THE JANE HuMAN HAS BAKED A CAKE. TT: Ok. TT: http://goo.gl/vvYxn uu: AW FuCK. THOSE BITCHES EYEBALL THAT LuSCIOuS CONFECTION. uu: IT'S MOIST AS SHIT. IT TEMPTS THEM. THEY BEGIN TO HuMAN SALIVATE. 

Ew.

uu: THE MuTuALLY SWOONING BITCHES GET FRISKY WITH THE TREAT. uu: ROXY HuMAN CHOPS OuT A WEDGE. FEEDS IT TO JANE HuMAN'S ZEALOuS SNACK HOLE. TT: Ok. uu: BuT. NOT SO FAST. uu: SHE SMuSHES IT AROuND THE GREEDY CAKESLuT'S HuMAN LIPS AND FEATuRES. uu: MISGuIDED FEELINGS OF FONDNESS AND LEVITY WAX INCREMENTALLY. uu: A GIGGLE IS RELEASED. TT: Oh shit. TT: Things are really heating up now. 

...What in the fuck? Does he have a cake fetish now?

uu: YES. FuCK YES. uu: I WANT THEM TO HuMAN "HOLD HANDS". THEY WILL HuMAN "HOLD HANDS" NOW. uu: THEIR ODIOuS "LOVE" IS BLOSSOMING BEFORE OuR EYES AND TO OuR uNSPEAKABLE DISMAY. CAN YOu FEEL IT DIRK? TT: Yes. uu: MAKE THEIR CAKEY HANDS. BECOME CLASPED TOGETHER AS ONE. uu: IT FEELS MuSHY AND SLIPPERY. THEY ENJOY THE SENSATION IMMENSELY. IT IS VILE. TT: http://goo.gl/ObEuT uu: YES! uu: CLOSER!!! uu: GET THE FuCKING CAMERA CLOSER YOu DOuCHE BAG! uu: I WANT TO SEE SOME *DETAIL*. HIGH DEF THAT STICKY MESS. TT: http://goo.gl/gz1iH uu: OHHHHHHHHHH. uu: FuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuCK. uu: THAT IS JuST DOWNRIGHT. uu: *AFFFFFFFECTIONAAAAAATE.*

I’m not sure why Dirk would include those on a robot built for rapping, but sure, why not?  How did those fit under the cloak anyway?

TT: So are we done? uu: YOu WOuLD LOVE THAT. WOuLDN'T YOu. TT: Nah. I'm fine with doing more if you want. uu: HOW CONVENIENT IT WOuLD BE FOR YOu. IF WE STOPPED PLAYING MY GAME. AND LET MY SISTER OFF THE HOOK. TT: Do you want me to pretend I don't want to play? TT: Like, is that part of the kink for you? Kind of a roleplaying thing? uu: SHuT THE FuCK uP. 

I’ll take that as a yes.

TT: "No, no, please. Don't make me draw any more pics of my friends snuggling and stuff." TT: Strider said, having spent the better part of the night gnawing through his duct tape gag. uu: LOOK AT THESE PATHETIC STALLING TACTICS. AS IF I DON'T KNOW AN ATTEMPT TO DERAIL ONE OF MY DIABOLICAL GAMES. uu: WHEN I SEE ONE. TT: That's good. Keep saying things like that. TT: I'll keep doing my part. TT: "Somebody save me from this LIVING NIGHTMARE. The things he has made me DO." 

This isn’t really even a game, but whatever.

uu: MAYBE YOuR IRREVERENCE FOR MY GAME. STEMS FROM THE FACT THAT YOu DON'T GIVE A FLYING FuCK ABOuT MY IDIOT SISTER? uu: HA. LIKE I COuLD EVEN BLAME YOu. WHAT A CLOYING WINDBAG SHREW. SHE IS WORTHLESS TO EVERYBODY. I THINK YOu THINK SO TOO. uu: YOu KNOW. YOu'RE AN ALRIGHT GuY. FOR A MONSTROuS FuCKuP LEAGuES BENEATH ME IN EVERY WAY THAT EXISTS. uu: DIRK I WANT TO PLAY A GAME. TT: Do you now. uu: THOuGH YOu MAY NOT CARE ABOuT MY SISTER'S LIFE. THERE IS SOMETHING WHICH MAY MOTIVATE YOu TO KEEP PLAYING. uu: AND THAT IS. CuRIOSITY. TT: How so? 

This train of logic makes no sense.  He’s doing exactly what you told him to, and he really isn’t curious, like, at all.

uu: AHAHAHA! YOu SEE!!! THAT RIGHT THERE. YOu ASKED A QuESTION. uu: ASKING SHIT IS WHAT BEING CuRIOuS MEANS. I FuCKING WIN ALREADY. YOu TRASH. TT: Damn. TT: Owned. uu: BuT THAT'S WHAT YOu DO WHEN YOu HAVE A SHITTY TWIST ENDING. PLANNED AT THE END OF ALL YOuR GAMES. uu: SEE. THIS GAME HAS A TWIST. IT IS TWISTED LIKE A LITTLE CANDY SWIRL. THAT IS A KISS ON YOuR FACE FROM AN ANGEL. WHILE YOu MAKE A FuCKING FOOL OF YOuRSELF IN YOuR SLEEP. TT: I know what a twist is. TT: Or I did, until you kept saying stupid shit that doesn't mean anything. uu: EXACTLY. uu: IF YOu WANT TO KNOW MY SHITTY TWIST. uu: YOu HAVE TO KEEP PLAYING MY GAME. 

....I’m not even sure what’s going on now.

TT: Well, not only was I pretty psyched to keep playing regardless. TT: I'd rather do just about anything than listen to you ramble on and on about your horseshit twists. uu: VERY GOOD. uu: THE LECHEROuS AMuSEMENTS. uu: THEY WILL NOW INVOLVE. uu: THE BOTH JANE AND ROXY HuMANS. TT: Cool. uu: AW YES. DOuBLE THE TASTY BITCHES. uu: GETTING A LITTLE... uu: MAAAuDLIN TOGETHER. TT: Uh. TT: Ok. 

See, now I can understand why somebody might want Dirk to draw that. It’s creepy as hell though.

uu: THEY ARE IN THE MOOD FOR. uu: SWEETS. uu: JuST LIKE ME. uu: I LIKE CANDY. uu: DO YOu LIKE CANDY. DIRK. TT: I guess. uu: WHAT ABOuT. uu: COTTON CANDY. TT: I never tried it. TT: This shithole planet doesn't have any. uu: IT IS SOOO. uu: FLuFFY. uu: AND MELTS IN YOuR MOuTH. uu: BLuE AND PINK. GET BETWEEN MY JAWS. POOFY FLuFFY COTTON CANDY. LET ME DISSOLVE YOu. uu: THAT IS WHAT I CALL THIS PAIRING. OF NASTY PREMIuM BITCHES. 

....

I don’t even know.

TT: You know, considering you're obviously just going to ask for more ultra-tame shit, you still somehow made this legitimately creepy. TT: Nicely done, I guess? uu: AH YES. HOW YOu SQuIRM NOW. TT: I'm not squirming. uu: LIKE BuLLFuCK YOu AREN'T. uu: NOW DRAW. TT: I'm already drawing. TT: What should I make these "premium bitches" do? 

uu: THERE WILL BE NEW ACTORS IN THIS VuLGAR EXHIBITION. uu: YOu WILL INCLuDE THE JAKE AND ROXY HuMANS NOW. AND IT WILL BE SIMILARLY DISGuSTING. TT: You got it. TT: Which steamy adult activities would you like me to convey this time? uu: MAKE THE ROXY HuMAN STROKE HIS HAIR. uu: SHE NEEDS HIM. AS A ROMANTIC PARTNER. EMOTIONALLY. TT: You have a filthy mind, but ok. TT: Here. 

Bleh, Roxy deserves better.

Oh please, Jake would freak out way worse if this actually happened. Or he would be entirely oblivious and assume that it’s platonic or something.

uu: GOOD. uu: I WANT TO SEE LONGING IN HIS EYES. uu: MAKE THERE BE LONGING. DO IT. TT: http://goo.gl/s0ILH uu: AH HA HA! SO GOOD. uu: HAVE THEM EXECuTE THE HuMAN MANEuVER YOu CALL. uu: "THE HuG." 

Again, Jake isn’t freaking out enough.

uu: OHHH. DAMN. uu: THAT IS JuST. uu: SO. uu: *NAAAAAASTY.* TT: I'm sweating profusely, fyi. TT: Gonna have Squarewave track down a towel soon. uu: NOW HAVE THE JAKE HuMAN SAY. uu: OH GOD. uu: I FEEL SO uTTERLY OBSCENE EVEN *TYPING* THIS. uu: HA HA. FuuuCK. uu: MY CHEEKS ARE PROBABLY BRIGHT RED RIGHT NOW. TT: Typing what? uu: MAKE HIM SAY... uu: "I LOVE YOu." TT: On it.

... This conversation is just fucking weird.  I mean, it’s amusing and all but I’m not sure what purpose it serves other illustrating that uu has some weird sort of fetish for romantic bullshit.

uu: THAT IS. uu: SO FuCKED uP. uu: uuuuuRNG. uu: I CAN HARDLY STAND IT. uu: IT'S SO FuCKED uP BRO!!!!! TT: I agree. TT: All kinds of things wrong with this scenario here. uu: SHE WANTS TO HuMAN MARRY HIM NOW. uu: MAKE THE BITCH SAY SHE WANTS TO HuMAN MARRY THAT FuCKER! TT: Stand by. TT: http://goo.gl/GD2nO uu: HE SAYS YES! uu: HE SAYS FuCKING YES THIS INSTANT YOu WRETCHED PILE OF SHIT!!! TT: http://goo.gl/FIYFS uu: FuuuuuuuuuCK. uu: THAT SHIT IS SO. uu: *TENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDER.* 

Just... what in the fuck?  Is this some sort of bizarre foreshadowing?  Or is uu a shipper In-Universe or something?

TT: You know it. TT: Slow cooked to fucking perfection. uu: I WOuLD LIKE THEM TO COPuLATE OFF SCREEN. uu: THEY WILL BEAR A CHILD IN THE uNSEEMLY HuMAN MANNER. uu: BuT YOu WILL DEPICT NONE OF THE OFFPuTTING DETAILS OF THE RITuAL. uu: SHOW THEM EXPERIENCING HuMAN WEDDED JOY. WITH THEIR OFFSPRING. NOW. TT: Yeah, gimme a minute. TT: Ok. TT: http://goo.gl/i2O11 uu: NO. THIS ISN'T AS GOOD. uu: IT'S NOT AS TITILLATING AS I DESIRE. uu: HAVE THE MALE EAT THE CHILD. 

Because of course we can’t focus on the action scene.

uu: I WOuLD LIKE YOu TO DRAW. IN VARIOuS PAIRINGS. uu: YOu AND YOuR FRIENDS. INVOLVING EACH OTHER IN ASSORTED DEBASEMENTS. TT: Sure. That doesn't bother me a bit. TT: Sounds totally great. "Hot," even. 

I know he’s probably being at least partly sarcastic, but this is just weird.

uu: GOOD. GOOD. uu: LET THE uNSAVORY HOTNESS BEGIN. TT: Who do I start with? uu: HOW ABOuT. uu: THE JANE HuMAN. TT: Right. One Crocker coming up. TT: Who else? uu: LET'S SAY. uu: YOu. uu: HA HA HA. OH YES. TT: No problem. TT: Which assorted debasement did you have in mind for us? uu: YOu WILL DEPICT. uu: THE JANE HuMAN. uu: ON THE RECEIVING END. uu: OF... uu: ONE OF YOuR HuMAN KISSES. TT: Uh. TT: Ok. 

I can see where this is going.

TT: I mean, are you sure you want me to go there? uu: SHuT YOuR MOuTH AND FuCKING DRAW. TT: Just making sure. TT: Man. TT: Seriously gonna have to sterilize my tablet after this. TT: Ok, how's that?

And here I thought Dirk was gay.

uu: OH NO. WHAT IS THAT. uu: WHAT THE FuCK IS YOuR HAND DOING. uu: EXPLAIN YOuRSELF! TT: Dunno. Coppin' a little feel I guess. TT: Just adding some sizzle to the steak. What's the big. uu: REMOVE THAT. TT: Come on dude, don't be like that. uu: REMOVE THE AMOROuS HuMAN LIMB AT ONCE. uu: DO IT NOW. uu: I'LL KILL HER. I WILL FuCKING DO IT. TT: Fine. TT: There. TT: http://goo.gl/cTQZ6 uu: AHHHHH! uu: YES. uu: OHHH. HO HO. uu: OH YES. uu: THAT IS... uu: *DIIIRTY* 

You have no idea what porn even is, do you?

TT: You are a man who likes his tepid ass porn, I will give you that. uu: MAKE HER SAY. uu: "YOu ARE BEAuTIFuL." TT: Done.

Of course.

uu: YES. GOOD. uu: AND NOW MAKE THE KISS. HAPPEN WITH BOTH OF THE HuMAN LIPS. uu: TOuCHING TOGETHER. uu: AND MuCH CLOSER TO THE SCREEN. TO SEE THE ACTION BETTER. uu: AND TELL HER. uu: THAT SHE IS DARLING TO YOu. TT: Ok. TT: http://goo.gl/lvLpU uu: FuuuCK. uu: YES. TT: What now. 

uu: HELLO DIRK IN THE PAST. uu: LET'S PLAY A GAME. TT: Alright. uu: DO NOT EVEN FuCK WITH ME. uu: I WANT TO PLAY A GAME WITH YOu. AND A GAME IS EXACTLY THAT WHICH WILL BE PLAYED BETWEEN uS. TT: I said I'd play. 

Oh, this is going to be fun.

uu: DIRK. I WANT YOu TO DRAW ME SOME PORNOGRAPHY. TT: You got it. uu: IF YOu FAIL TO DRAW ME SOME PORNOGRAPHY. uu: THERE WILL BE CONSEQuENCES. uu: AND WHEN CONSEQuENCES HAPPEN. THAT IS WHEN BLOOD BEGINS TO FLOW. uu: YOuR FuTuRE SELF SPENDS ALL HIS TIME BEING IN THE FuTuRE. HE PRIORITIZES BEING IN THE FuTuRE AND FIGHTING DRONES OVER PLAYING MY GAMES. uu: YOuR PAST SELF SHOuLD CONSIDER THE COSTLY INDISCRETION OF YOuR FuTuRE SELF'S BEHAVIOR. BEHAVIOR WHICH ENTAILS BEING IN THE FuTuRE ALMOST AS MuCH AS NOT DOING WHATEVER I FuCKING TELL HIM TO. 

What in the fuck is even going on here?  Also I really hope I don’t have to see this shit.  Between whatever the fuck this guy wants compared with Dirk’s... interesting tendencies, I don’t think I want to see it.

TT: Dude, I'm sitting here with my stylus ready to go. Do you want me to draw you some porn or not. uu: OH YES. uu: YOu WILL DRAW ME MY PORNOGRAPHY, DIRK HuMAN STRIDER. uu: I WILL HAVE MY POuND OF SMuT. TT: ... TT: I'm waiting. uu: OR I WILL MuRDER MY SISTER. TT: Gotcha. TT: What'll it be. 

Maybe the game is to see how long he can keep rambling without ever telling Dirk what he wants.

uu: SHE WILL BE DEAD AND I WILL REJOICE WITH THE LIVELIEST LITTLE JIG YOu EVER SAW. uu: HER PuTRID HARLEQuIN SLIME WILL LEAK FROM HER WOuNDS AND SOAK HER uGLY YELLOW ROBE. uu: AND HER BODY. WILL BECOME A STuPID CORPSE. uu: HER MOON BODY I MEAN. uu: IT WILL MARK THE BEGINNING. AT LEAST. uu: OF MY uLTIMATE VICTORY IN THIS GAME BETWEEN uS. uu: BETWEEN ME AND HER. NOT ME AND YOu. uu: DIRK LET'S PLAY A GAME. TT: Dude, listen. I am perfectly willing to draw you some pornography. TT: It doesn't need to be part of a game. You don't got to murder nobody. 

I think he just wants to murder someone. In which case he really doesn’t need the excuse.

uu: I WILL IF YOu DON'T DO WHAT I SAY. uu: HOW VERY IRONIC. THAT A LIFE HANGS IN THE BALANCE. uPON YOuR WILLINGNESS TO DRAW ME SOME PORNOGRAPHY. uu: THE VERY PORNOGRAPHY. WHICH YOu HAVE SPENT A LIFETIME DRAWING. IN YOuR SPARE TIME. BECAuSE YOu PRESuMABLY ENJOY DOING SO. TT: How is that ironic? uu: OH YES. HOW IRONIC IT IS INDEED. uu: AND IT IS FuRTHER IRONIC. THAT THIS GAME IS IRONIC. uu: IT IS THE VERY IRONY. WHICH YOu YOuRSELF HAVE SPENT A LIFETIME WALLOWING IN. uu: AND uSING TO JuSTIFY INTERESTS AND BEHAVIORS. WHICH ARE DuMB AND CONFuSING. TT: Whoa. Mindfuck. 

That... really has almost nothing whatsoever to do with irony, but whatever.  I’m pretty sure uu is just stringing words together without having any idea what they actually mean.

TT: Seriously, should I just start drawing naked people or what. uu: uH. NAKED PEOPLE? TT: Yeah. Naked people doing it and stuff. TT: You know. Porn. uu: OH. NO. uu: NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. uu: AWFuL HORRIBLE BARF. NO. FuCK THAT NOISE. uu: THERE WILL BE NO NuDITY. uu: OR WHATEVER uNPLEASANT BEHAVIOR THAT PASSES FOR PROCREATIVE EXERCISE AMONG YOuR PEOPLE. uu: WHAT I HAVE IN MIND IS SO MuCH MORE. uu: SCANDALOuS..... TT: Awesome. TT: Lay it on me.