#achetypes

Make them strange and aloof or utterly insane from the curses that writhe within them, going mad from the blood on their hands that is only natural because of what they have become.

Bring back the visceral, horrifying Beast Within that isn't just body horror or gothic horror or whatever horror, but a metaphor for the corruption of humanity. The horror of slowly losing yourself to animalistic instincts as you destroy everything you ever love.

@2am-muse  Ashely Clifton says it better than I can (x)

15 Hollywood Archetypes

1. The Dark Prince

2. The White Queen

3. The Man’s Man

4. The Brainy Vixen

5. Athena the Warrior Princess

6. The Goddess Next Door

7. The Noble Everyman

8. The Terminator

9. The Trickster God

10. The Black Trickster God

11. Hamlet the Thinker

12. Prince Valiant

13. The Dapper Rake

14. The Existential Anti-Hero

15. The Method Dude

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You know, I have not had the greatest luck with hostels on this trip! Normally I love them - it’s a great place to meet folks when you’re traveling alone, and since you’re all mixed together (often with beer), everyone tends to be a bit more keen on chatting. Normally I tend to keep to myself, but when I travel, I have that whole, “I don’t know anyone, so why not?” vibe. I’ve met some very cool people in hostels.

But this place... I don’t know man. At this place, part of it feels like the hostel, the other part is the people. I’ll be quick on my rant because no one wants to read a complainer’s bitching, especially when they’re lucky enough to travel. But hostels are no different than any other service industry. Sure, it’s a low-budget way to travel, but when you recognize that six people are each paying $25 to stay in one room, you recognize that’s $150 that you might not even fetch for a hotel room when the bathroom is at the end of a corridor. So hostels aren’t “doing travelers favors,” they’re recognizing that older buildings that might be missing some important amenities would be too expensive to turn into a hotel, so they go the hostel route. Which hey, I don’t mind slightly subpar WiFi, a “breakfast” that is comprised of a piece of bread, and having to walk down the hallway to take a pee. In fact, it’s part of the experience. Seriously. This is how you meet people from all over the world.

And some hostels, by the way, are great at their jobs. They might have a pub crawl where you meet fellow travelers, many have their own bar where they might do a game night, and several have a kitchen where people can prepare their own food, which is a great way to save money, as well as have some control over your own diet. The best hostels are staffed with people who know the area, can tell you where the real cool places are, and while often the people working at a hostel are travelers themselves who basically get free room and board for working there (meaning labor costs can be pretty low), it doesn’t take long for them to get the lay of the land, as they hear the good and bad from travelers, and get to know the locals themselves. It truly is about a vibe, and amenities (or lack thereof) actually matter less when you’re having a fun time and sleeping well (enough).

Where hostels start to fuck up is when they can’t keep their place clean, when they’re too cheap to fix issues (though that’s not entirely their fault - more on that in a sec) or when they try too hard to lean in to a “vibe.” When I started on this trip, there were only a few places I needed hostels - I was mostly staying with former Couchsurfers, yet requesting on Couchsurfing in Europe was quite difficult (though that’s another story for another day) so I looked ahead to booking a hostel. I am not going to say the city in order to protect its privacy ;), but here are actual lines from their site:

“WE ARE A PARTY HOSTEL. Sometimes there is noise past midnight. Don't stay here if that makes you cry.”

“Welcome to the hostel that is owned and operated by backpackers. Having travelled for over 14 years we like to think we know what you want. You want a clean place to hangout, clean bathrooms, comfy beds, a bar to get white girl wasted in while not draining your bank account, fast WiFi, option of female only dorms (because guys smell) and be close to some of towns main attractions.”

“We have the cheapest pub crawl in town, we have beer pong competitions and events every day of the week. We know how to have a good time.”

“Don't want to party? Fine. Enjoy a nice rest in a comfy bed on one of our three floors. Netflix and chill with your partner or a stranger if they're up for it.”

I don’t know, maybe you’re reading this, and saying, “Well that sounds fun as hell!” Perhaps. But it feels like it’s really bordering on the whole fratdouche thing. But maybe I’m wrong.

Either way, if a hostel has knowledgeable people, stays clean, and makes you feel like you can talk to folks and not have your shit get stolen while you’re asleep, then it’s a win.

The other factor (quotient? I don’t know, I’m not a math dork) in this equation are the people. I always talk about how I like to travel to meet other cultures, and I often make the assumption that other cultures traveling are doing the same. But this is not always the case. There are a few different shitbag hostelers, such as:

1) Dude who never leaves the dorm room. He’s there when you arrive, he’s there when you leave, he’s always on his phone or napping in the middle of the day. What is he, the security guard for the room? Does he not want to see any sights? Is the prison too crowded and they brought him here?

2) Girl who is in a mixed dorm but acts like every dude in there has invaded a women’s dorm. Many hostels have female-only dorm rooms, and it sucks to say, “I understand why,” but any time you want some form of exclusivity, you have to pay for it. You opted for the cheapest dorm? Then don’t be shocked or surprised when guys show up. Why are you making that face? I’m saying “hello” to be polite - don’t worry, I do NOT want to sleep with you.

3) Teenagers who need to be slapped. Hard. I get it, it’s your first time traveling and maybe you’re from a country that regulates drinking a bit more than the country you’re in, where the minimum drinking is 16, and even that is a soft line. But also understand that screaming at each other down the hall and invading the bar in groups of 35 like no one else matters is a bad look. Didn’t your parents raise you with any manners? Words like “Please,” “Thank you,” and “Excuse me” go a long way. And Christ, why are you so filthy?

4) Late Night Dickbag This dude forgot his keycard to the room, so at 3:30 in the morning he’s banging on the door until someone lets him in. After the least believable “Sorry” you’ve ever heard, he eats his pizza in the bed, then falls asleep and snores so loudly no one else can go to sleep. Then in the morning when everyone is getting ready to go, they have to step over all the shit he just threw everywhere.

I can handle these folks every now and then - the good nature of all the other people cancel it out. But I had all four last night. And someone (my guess a teenager - I know that that’s ageist, but those little fuckers are filthy) clogged up a urinal and it flooded the entire bathroom. The whole floor smelled like piss. Some people’s kids...

Oh, right. Cologne. Sorry for the rant. So after telling reception I wanted to move rooms, I headed out, and saw fog around the Köln Cathedral. It was beautiful. I snapped a pic (it’s just really foggy behind me) and went inside.

It was massive, and later research told me it is the third tallest cathedral in the world, and the most visited attraction in all of Germany. And the detail inside was incredible:

I then went a-walkin’ to record stores, going through old town and the markets. I found this giant ice cream cone smooshed into a building (because Germany and ice cream):

I also went to an Asian noodle place called Bai Lu for sweet potato glass noodles, referred to me by a Couchsurfer who canceled my request but suggested some food.

I walked through one of Cologne’s many universities, and it was so nice.

I stopped at a few record stores with nothing being spectacular, but my final destination, the furthest out, was called Good Mood Records. The owner was there, complete with beard and boots and flannel - like something out of Portland. He had vintage stuff too, and very highly culled (and a little spendy) records, and he certainly was persnickety about the way they were handled. But, like many of the European owners, he also had some boxes of 7″ in his basement that he didn’t have time to look at. I went through them, found a handful, and when I came up to pay he gave me the one single I had picked out of the expensive stuff for free. He also gave me water - this dude was rad. I wish I had taken a picture of his store!

It was time to head back to the hostel - I was supposed to meet up with Connor from the night before, but I still had a little more time for records close to the hostel, and hit up a few, including Drake Records. Dude was also super cool, and we BS’ed about vinyl.

Unfortunately Connor no-showed and there was some hostel event like musical bingo, but was aimed at the teens. So I hid in the back of the bar where I met Sam from Northhampton in the UK, and Carson, from outside Toronto, Canada. Sam was in Cologne for his master’s program in water resource management, but the actual title was like three times longer. And Carson was just doing some traveling. Unfortunately, Carson had to take a call and found out his dog had died unexpectedly. After losing some kitties in the past few years, I understood all too well. It’s not really part of the travel, but I liked them so much, so here they are:

I know it was hard for him. So Sam and I kept the drinks going, we closed the bar, and the bartender told us of his favorite spot. When we got there it appeared they had already closed, but once the owner saw us and let us in, he said he had closed “so we can all smoke in here.” And smoky it was. I’m still hacking.