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seen from United Kingdom
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seen from Malaysia
in celebration of yandere simulator getting bookbags and bullies, have one very pissed off lily fawkes
she’s not a yansim oc but she will fight a bitch. and she just wears her hair that way because she likes to
edit: fixed the hips
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My ace characters are out to piss off a very specific demographic.
More Ace Hang stuff with Val and Lily
(AU where Angel is actually Val’s horrible “cool” dad but Lily has no clue, and they go by codenames)
Title screens and pre-intro clips
IT KNOWS WHO WE ARE | OneShot (with Hearts!)
Val: Anime was a mistake.
Lily: Hentai was a mistake. Anime is a fucking gift.
Val: No!
Lily: Fucking. Cat girl witches. Anime made this game, Spade.
----
JOKER IS A BADASS | Persona 5 Intro Reaction
Val: I want that guy.
Lily: He’ll just run away, asshole.
Val: Exactly.
----
YOU WOULDN’T DATE A COW | Mr. Massagy
Val: So I hold the thing like thiiiiiiiiiiiiiii OH GOD THIS PIECE OF-
----
BACK TO THE BASICS? | Five Nights At Freddy’s 1
Lily: Shit. Shit. Don’t close down the screen. Don’t.
Val: What if I do.
Lily: Just don’t. Just don’t.
Val: *closes down the screen* Oh god damn fuck holy shit fuck
Lily: Aaaand-
----
THE THIRST IS REAL | YanSim Male Rivals Reaction (with Spade’s Dad!)
Angel: ... Kinky.
(Val smashes his head into the table, Lily stares at Angel)
Lily: Pedophilia isn’t a kink.
Angel: Pedophilia?
Lily: Did it never occur to you that that guy’s a teacher in his 20s or 30s literally kissing one of his teenage students?
Angel: Oh. Oh. Oh... Oh. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh... my god.
(Letters flash on the screen saying “It gets better”)
----
meet ash and lyra
Ash: I think murder should be legal.
Lily: Yeah!
Ash: And when it becomes legal, I’m killing you first.
Lily: Yeah!
Ash: ... You’re supposed to be scared.
Lily: I mean, as long as you don’t like, take too long to kill me, I don’t really mind.
Ash: ...
Lyra: You both need therapy.
--------
(Lily is walking down a sidewalk past a tall building with Val holding the camera)
Lily: Yeah, so, like, we’ve got a lot of work ahead of us- holy shit!
(Lily glances upwards. The camera moves up. Ash is sitting on the roof of a three-story building with no visible stairs, staring at a crowd below. Within the crowd is Vince and Aidan.)
Vince: Get down from there.
Ash: Or what?!
Vince: How the- How did you even get up there?!
Ash: That’s for me to know, bitch.
Vince: You- (turns to Aidan) Can I- can I shoot him?
Aidan: No, dumbass! Ugh. Get down!
Ash: What laws am I breaking?
Aidan: You’re trespassing!
Ash: This is an office building home to many businesses. The roof doesn’t belong to anyone.
Lily: Wouldn’t it belong to the landlord?
Val: ... Yeah, I think so. Fuckin’ anarchist ass...
Lily: He thinks murder should be legal. That’s not the good kind of anarchy.
Val: Dude’s just kind of crazy. C’mon, let’s make sure he doesn’t notice us.
------------
Val: Okay, so, what exactly are you showing off here?
Ash: Just some stuff I made. I’m a big fan of rockets and shit.
Val: *beaming* You make rockets?
Ash: Yeah. Just mod some fireworks and shit. Or just make explosives. Like, watch this.
(Ash drops a few chunks of dry ice into a bottle filled with water and blue food coloring, screws it shut, then throws it a distance. He drags Val away from the bottle before it explodes, spraying blue water everywhere)
Ash: Wicked!
(Val is both terrified and impressed)
Ash: And then, there’s the baking soda and vinegar ones. (He holds up a plastic bag that’s been duct-taped shut) Like, this is just a plastic bag, but it’s loud. Like, back in New York, I used to scare the shit out of the neighbor with these. They had these fucking dogs that wouldn’t shut up-
Val: Are you sure any of this is legal?
Ash: Y’think I’d be doing any of this if it was? Anyway, listen.
Val: Wait, you’re saying you do this because it’s-
(Ash squeezes the plastic bag, then throws it few yards away. It inflates and explodes, producing a loud pop)
Ash: Awesome!
Val: ...
Ash: I’ve got others, too, but the Drano ones are all filled with broken glass and rocks.
Val: Broken glass?!
Ash: Yeah. You never know. Just try to avoid cutting up kids- news hates you for that. And then the police are on your case, and you gotta move to the next town over.
Val: ... Okay, I promised myself I wouldn’t do this, but how much could I pay you to hide one of these in my uncle’s backyard-
-------------
(Julien is sitting with Lyra on a couch. Brooke is sipping tea on a chair nearby.)
Julien: How do you get your hair to do that?!
Lyra: Well, it’s a combination of frequent haircuts, a keratin treatment every few months, keeping it braided while I sleep, high quality products, and... well, just being careful.
Julien: That’s fuckin’ sick, dude. Like, how long is it?
Lyra: Two feet, just about?
Julien: Neat.
Brooke: It’s cool, I guess.
Julien: You guess?! His hair is like a curtain! Like a really tiny bead curtain! Like, people only dream of hair that smooth!
Lyra: *giggle*
Brooke: ... So?
Julien: Listen, listen, I get if it’s not your thing, but... holy shit, man. He could, like, whip you with your hair.
Lyra: Julie, it’s fine. It’s just hair.
Julien: Yeah! And it’s two fucking feet long and looks so good!
Brooke: Do you want to get whipped by his hair?
Lyra: No, that would damage it.
Brooke: You’re a priss, and you’re just kinky.
(Brooke walks away. Julie sighs and moves the camera, preparing to shut it off. On the corner, you can see Lyra’s hair reaching for a snack and moving it to his mouth)
-------------
(At lunch. At a faraway table, Ash is yelling at a slice of pizza. Lyra is sitting in front of him. Lily is filming, Michy is sitting in front of her.)
Ash: Am I supposed to fucking eat this shit? Is this supposed to be my lunch for the day?!
Lyra: We can buy a second lunch if you want.
Ash: I don’t WANT this cheesy shit! Where’s the grease? Where’s the breadsticks and dipping sauce?
Lyra: Ash, please...
Ash: This. Is. Bullshit!
Lily: Bro, it’s just pizza...
Michy: School pizza. Do they even have breadsticks here?
Lily: It’s just bread that’s a stick.
Michy: Oh yeah. ... We should get breadsticks delivered here sometime.
Lily: Yeah, that would be fun.... Did Ash just throw his pizza at someone?
(Camera pans to the slice of pizza lying on a random student’s face)
Michy: *standing up and reaching for her bag* Let’s get outta here.
Lily: *also standing up* Yeah.
-------------
Lyra: It’s okay. Don’t worry about me.
Brid: How can I not? He, um...
Lyra: What did he do?
Brid: So, basically, Val asked him to make an explosive something, and he put it in Mr. Perch’s backyard...
Lyra: Yes?
Brid: And Mr Perch shot it with a hunting rifle, but it... exploded anyway...
Lyra: Oh, Drano and aluminum.
Brid: Yeah, and... he has some bad cuts and a minor chemical burn on his hand now.
Lyra: Uh-huh.
Brid: Dude, your boyfriend could have killed someone. And if this is the sort of thing he just kind of does... that’s not really a good thing. Y’know?
Lyra: Should’ve told me about Val. I would have stopped him. Ash can’t resist doing things for other people like this, because it puts them in his debt, and then he’ll milk them for a favor when the time is right. One of these days Val is probably going to be an accomplice in a plot to fill the gymnasium with fog, or something like that.
Brid: And you’re fine with that?
Lyra: He’s a good kid, if he’s kept in line.
Brid: ... What do you even get out of all of this?
Lyra: The enjoyment of watching Val’s old man get his hand burned by a chemical explosion. Also this’ll keep Ash on a high for at least a couple of weeks.
Brid: ...
Brid: You’re both horribly messed up. I’m sorry, but you’re both horribly messed up.
Lyra: I know. Trust me, I know.
(Brid is growing visibly upset)
Lyra: We’ve been relying on each other ever since we were kids. Me on him, and him on me. We’d both be in a bad place if we didn’t have each other.
Brid: Like, how so?
Lyra: We’re drifters. Can’t stand staying in one place all the time. ‘Cept the difference is, he’s looking for a home. And frankly, I’ll follow him there if he happens to find one.
Brid: ... How sad.
(Lyra’s hair suddenly moves, wrapping around Brid’s shoulder like a supportive arm.)
Brid: Uh, did your hair just-
(Lyra’s hair flops back down)
Lyra: No! No, not at all! That was just the breeze!
ace hang au idea: originally their videos ended with music they found on proximity or something that they liked, but it eventually devolved into “sometimes proximity dubstep, and sometimes hilarious outtakes”
their original “outtake” was probably val singing “i write sins not tragedies” but with actual guitar accompaniment and not spur-of-the-moment
but it probably has devolved into stuff like
brid and lily dressed up as not-a-criminal and not-a-cop (brid borrowed some clothes from angel’s closet, lily borrowed his cop costume) and re-enacted the “oh? you’re approaching me?” scene from stardust crusaders
val doing some really robotic dance to “all move forward” from the your turn to die soundtrack. it’s awkward for everyone involved.
brid putting on her jena anderson voice (from astral chain) and doing a parody of the “shadow pissed on my wife” speech. “yoseph calvert’s a bitch-ass motherfucker. he pissed on my fucking homonculus. he took his skinny, twink ass legionis out and pissed on my fucking homonculus. and he said his legionis was ‘this powerful’ and i said ‘that’s child abuse’. so i’m making a callout post on my twitter dot com-”
a speedpaint? of lily photoshopping edgeworth’s hair onto metodey’s face and calling val over. val looks at it and shouts “god DAMN IT LILY that’s so FUCKING cursed”
there’s some really wholesome ones of arthur playing with his dog nemo, which the guys in the comments all love because nemo’s adorable
or sometimes val uses some sound that someone made during the episode and autotunes it into darude sandstorm or something
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ace hang plays temtem
I MISS HOP... | Temtem Early Access! Part 1 | Ace Hang Plays
Temtem is a Pokemon-like monster collector MMO that’s full of adorable creatures that fight in double battles. It’s tons of fun! Except for Max. Max is a meanie. :( ~Arthur
(Max’s Oree knocks out Arthur’s Smazee in one hit)
Arthur: Oh my god, fuck you!
Val: You can say fuck?!
Val: Hey everyone, Ace Hang here! I’m Val!
Arthur: And I’m Arthur! And we’re playing TemTem! It’s this newly released but heavily touted Pokemon-like monster collector MMO that’s received lots of praise from all over the net. From its cute designs to its beautiful world, and the excitement of just having a Pokemon RPG, it’s a game worth checking out.
Val: Arthur just would not stop talking about this. He sent me a picture of, uh... (Val fiddles on his phone) this... platypus lookin’ thing, and it’s, like... (Val holds out his phone, which has a picture of Platypet on it) Look at how cute this thing is!
Arthur: I know, right?
Val: And dang, the trailer? Man, it’s like, beautiful! Basically, I’m hyped. Let’s do this!
-------
(Opening of the game. Arthur’s character looks like himself, as he’s controlling the game.)
Val: What the fuck?! Is that our mom?!
Arthur: Oh god, she looks like she’s going to overfeed me.
Val: It’s our Apprentice’s Eve.
Arthur: Yes, it is. Cool. Okay, looks like we’ve got a Tempedia. “The quintessential device every trainer should have. The Tempedia records crucial info on every Temtem seen and caught. Yours is a present from Aina.”
Val: Sweet. Thanks, Mom.
Arthur: Alright, let’s head outside. Oh, yay! Everyone’s here to see us off!
Val: Aww, they pitched in to give us money for school! That’s so sweet of them!
Arthur: “Oh, that’s lovely! Thank you so much dear neighbors! But where is your friend Max?”
Val: He’s probably the Hop of this game.
Arthur: Oh, Hop! I loved Hop.
Val: He’s seriously one of my favorite rivals. Like, he’s a shit trainer, but he’s just such a good guy deep down. I just...
Arthur: Just, he was... a bro, you know?
Val: Guy’d always work his hardest to uplift you no matter what. I just... I just appreciated that so much. Like, you two played off each other, you worked hard for each other to help us reach our dreams...
Arthur: I hope Hop joins us for the DLC. I want to see more of him.
Val: Anyway, I’ll voice Max, and- oh god, I hate him already.
Arthur: He just showed up!
Val: “Someone calling? Oh, hey, Arthur. Did you know it’s my Apprentice’s Eve too?“
Arthur: And I guess that’s Professor Konstantinos- he’s just the professor. “Don’t worry, my dear Aina, I’ll drop these kids off at the Accademia before going to the University.“
Val: “Cool, can we go with you?“
Arthur: “You’re too young for college, kid. But, maybe one day. What about you, Arthur?“ Well, I certainly would like to go to college.
Val: “Arthur isn’t that good at handling Temtem. But that’s okay, don’t worry, Arthur. You can just stay here and take care of Aina.“
Arthur: “Hey-“ “Alright, let’s go to the lab, kiddos.“
Val: Why the fuck did he say that?
-------------------
Arthur: Anyway, the lab is right here... and those are our starters over there.
Val: Oh, cool. Looks like a grass type, a water type, and a fire type. I think.
Arthur: Wrong, actually. Crystal, melee, mental.
Val: Oh, that’s interesting.
Arthur: I’ll see if we can get a better description. “You’ve already learned the basics of Temtem. These are from all over the Archipelago.”
Val: “Hey, Teach, do you have any digital Temtem?“ Digital?
Arthur: It’s a type, like water, fire, and nature.
Val: Oh, sweet, there’s robots?!
Arthur: “Digital Temtem are a very recent invention and therefore very rare.“
Val: “Ha! I have one!“ Okay, now you’re just showing off, buddy.
Arthur: It’s kind of cute, though. “But since you’ve got one, we’ll let Arthur pick the one he wants.”
Val: “What? Why does Arthur get to choose and I don’t?!“ Because you have a fucking robot Temtem, Max. A fucking robot Temtem. Also you’re a dick.
Arthur: “Shut up, kid. Arthur, take your pick.“
Val: Okay, so the one on the left is crystal type. “Crystle”. One in the middle is “Smazee”, melee- did he say he won it in a pub brawl?
Arthur: Professors have weird lives.
Val: Okay. And the one on the right is Houchic, a mental type.
Arthur: I personally want the one in the middle. It just looks cute.
Val: Smazee? Hey, it’s probably a good choice.
Arthur: It’s a little fuzzy monkey lion thing!
Val: Yeah, it’s the cutest one. Okay, let’s roll, then.
Arthur: Okay, let’s head out now. Oh, hey, Max.
Val: “Arthur, the teacher’s pet... you think you’re better than me, don’t you?“ Oh, I’m sorry, dickhead, you have a fucking ROBOT TEMTEM and I DON’T.
Arthur: This Smazee is my baby now and if you hurt him I’ll kill everyone in this room and then myself.
Val: “Fite me, bitch.“ Okay, sure, asshole. What are you gonna do? I’m the protagonist, and I’m gonna beat your ass.
Arthur: Maybe then you’ll learn to respect me.
Val: Wh-Why are they even our friend?! All they’ve done is tell us we’re too weak and dumb for this shit, call us a teacher’s pet, throw a hissy fit when we get a Temtem like some kind of entitled kid... Like what the fuck, dude! Where’s Hop’s wholesomeness?!
Arthur: Opponent is Max. Time for a battle tutorial. So, looks like you select “battle”, select a move, and attack. Let’s hit them with a “Kick”...
Val: Fuck them up! Kick their ass!
Arthur: You’ll regret saying I should have just stayed with my mum, Max...
(Smazee does meager damage. Oree one-shots Smazee.)
Arthur: ...
Val: ...
Arthur: Oh my god, fuck you!
Val: You can say fuck?!
Arthur: You have the audacity to come to me for a battle, burn my fucking Smazee, like some pissing dog, and then say “Hooray, my first victory!” as if you didn’t pick the fucking fight yourself?!
Val: You can say fuck?!
Arthur: I HATE him! I HATE them and their fucking Oree!
Val: The Oree didn’t do anything wrong! Maybe it just crit!
Arthur: There are no crits in this fucking game!
Val: Are you fucking serious?! Oh my god, fuck you, Max.
Arthur: Ugh. Such a prick. Anyway, “That Digital Temtem really gave you an edge there, Max.“
Val: “Didn’t you say it was the tamer and not the Temtem that made all the difference?“
Arthur: Oh, piss off. “Sorry, Arthur, but there’s no way you could have won against them.“ Ugh. And he heals up Smazee a bit... and gives us...?
Val: It’s a birdie! Oh my god, that SQUEAK.
Arthur: A Tuwai. And it’s quite rare, and has some mysterious powers. I’ll take good care of him too!
Val: “What? Why don’t I get one of those?!” Because you have a fucking DIGITAL TEMTEM, you dick!
Arthur: Alright, and now, the journey begins! (Smazee is following the Avatar) Oh MY GOD IT’S FOLLOWING ME! OH MY GOD IT’S FOLLOWING ME! OH MY GOD THAT’S SO CUTE. (turns character around to face the Smazee walking behind him, it does a little chirrup) Oh, you’re so cute. We’re going to take names together, you and I. Oh my god, I love you.
Val: I can see you already love him.
Arthur: Yes. Yes I do.
-----------
Arthur: And we’re here at Brical de Mar.
Val: “Hey, what took you so long?” We have a full team now, dickhead. Tateru, Paharo, Pigipec...
Arthur: And I guess this is Sophia. Looks like she runs the dojo, which is basically the gym.
Val: Looks like a water type gym leader. And now she’s taking us on a tour.
(post tour)
Arthur: Aww, that was a nice tour!
Val: Okay, who’s better? Nessa or Sophia? Like, appearance, personality wise?
Arthur: You’re asking me?!
Val: A lot of people seemed to like Nessa, that’s all.
Arthur: I mean... I... really have no clue.
Val: Yeah, me neither. Okay, let’s roll. “See you in the dojo, loser.“ Watch me beat the final boss, dickhead.
oc memes with no context
ace hang plays my darling, a visual novel
DELICIOUS BOYFRIEND! | My Darling Full Playthrough | Ace Hang Plays
Lily: So let me get this straight. It’s a very short visual novel? And it’s... interesting?
Brid: Yeah.
Val: Okay, so the last visual novel you recommended us was that one with the pigeons. So, if it’s a half hour long game that you liked, it’s probably either really good or terrifying.
Brid: I guess you’ll never know which one until you start playing it.
Arthur: Should I.... keep my eyes closed?
---------
Arthur: Hey everyone, Ace Hang here! I’m Arthur!
Lily: I’m Lily!
Val: I’m Val!
Brid: And I’m Bridget! And we’re playing My Darling, a romantic visual novel game that I found on YouTube last night and thought the guys would enjoy playing!
Lily: You terrify me, lady.
Val: See, I didn’t know that Hatoful Boyfriend would be like, a borderline horror game until you got me to play it for my channel.
Arthur: Seriously? I always knew it was a horror game.
Val: What the fuck? You didn’t tell me?
Arthur: Brid and I were discussing it the other day, and she told me not to tell you anything about it.
Val: But our playthrough of Calling Cipher- ugh, whatever. Point is, every time Brid recommends us a game, it’s either really good or a horror game. And with a title like “My Darling”, it’s probably not because it’s good.
Lily: Um, do I get to roast the anime boys?
Brid: Please. Do it. Literally half of the reason I picked this one out was for you to roast the anime boys.
Val: And the other half?
Brid: .... You don’t need to know that.
Arthur: Are you going to use someone’s murder plot on us?
Brid: What the fuck, of course not!
Lily: Okay, you red-haired bitch- NOT YOU BRIDGET- time to destroy your self-esteem.
Brid: *snort*
Lily: Oh, uh, “What’s your name?”
Val: Okay, we gotta think of something stupid. Like, the level of your Noctis Umbra videos stupid.
Lily: I mean, My Dude worked well, but like... we need something better.
Val: Yeah. Uh, how about Bro? Oh, but I’m not sure how well that would work... since we’re probably playing a girl...
Lily: It can be a gender-neutral bro. Like how I call everyone “dude”?
Val: Good point, but like, Brid doesn’t want us to ruin the immersion.
Brid: I say go for it. You could actually pull that one off. I don’t think gender is a big factor in the game.
Lily: Seriously?! We can do the bro stuff?!
Brid: I mean, besides all the pink.
Val: BRO!
Arthur: BRO!
Lily: BRO!
Brid: BRO!
---------
Arthur: Can I voice him? Val gets to voice all the hot guys.
Lily: Please, I wanna see your take on him!
Arthur: Okay. Let’s go. “Welcome!” His shading is, uh, interesting. Oh, look at his apron. “Best cook”. I bet he’s a good cook.
Lily: I bet he’s a shit cook.
Brid: “This is Takuya, my partner. We’ve been together for five years and are deeply in love.”
Val: So... not a dating sim? Unless we get to cheat on this guy?
Brid: “In the evening, when I come home from work, he greets me with a smile and hastens to prepare dinner. His words are so sweet.”
Val: I don’t trust him.
Lily: God, if her internal monologue is just going to be “god he’s so cute” instead of “i love him” or something cute like that, it’s gonna suck. Gotta make it gay, man.
Brid: You want me to do a guy voice?
Lily: Please.
Brid: *laughing* Okay! *lowered voice* “Good evening, my darling, I see you’re wearing the apron I gave you!”
Lily: TITLE DROP WHOOO
Arthur: “You noticed? Yes, I like it a lot!” Because he’s the best cook! See! It says so!
Brid: “Good. It suits you very well.”
Arthur: “Don’t say that kind of thing, bro!”
Brid: Bro.
Lily: BROOOOOOOO
Brid: “Sorry, I couldn’t help it, bro. He is so cute.”
Val: And then, we get into the hentai.
Arthur: “I’ll take your things and put them away. Why don’t you rest in the living room while I go get dinner?”
Brid: *regular voice* “You’re right. Just let me take my phone. I search my pockets but can’t find it. Takuya has a strange expression. It looks like something is bothering him.”
Val: He stole our phone.
Lily: Why are you so suspicious of him?!
Brid: “I completely forgot where I put it. It’s annoying, since I’d like to read the news.”
Arthur: “Don’t worry. I got you a newspaper. I know you like reading the news in the evening, so I buy you a newspaper every night! And you know why.”
Val: ... why?
Lily: Beating up spiders? Garfield style?
Arthur: “Screens poison couples. They cause addiction and isolation.”
Brid: “Yes, I know. That’s why we have no TV or computer.”
Lily: ...
Val: ...
Arthur: ...
Brid: ...
Lily: Uh, what the fuck?
Arthur: Are we in some kind of abusive relationship?
Val: ... Yeah, what the fuck? No phone, no TV, no computer... are we being held hostage?
Lily: Okay, maybe you were right not to trust this guy.
Arthur: “Anyway, the only person I want to see or talk to is you, Bro.”
Brid: Aw, thanks, bro!
Arthur: You’re my best bro, bro!
Brid: I love you bro!
Arthur: I love you too, bro!
Brid: “You always say sweet words to evade the issue. You’re lucky it works pretty well.”
Arthur: “Stop teasing me!” Okay, like.... I don’t like him. Already. He says sweet words to evade the issue, of no screens, and him probably stealing our phone.
Val: Seriously, look up Idiot Plot on TVTropes, okay? Because this is an Idiot Plot.
Lily: Seriously.
---------
Brid: “I forget a lot of things, because I have amnesia.”
Lily: Amnesia? Okay, this is bullshit-
Brid: I actually looked this one up. It’s called anterograde amnesia. You can’t form new memories.
Lily: Oh, like Soren Sprocket from AA6!
Brid: Yeah, like him.
Lily: I knew that was a real thing, I just wasn’t sure what it was called. Still don’t trust this guy.
Val: Yeah, me neither.
Arthur: “Here’s your lemonade. Look, I even put a straw in it to make a festive atmosphere. It’s your favorite color.”
Lily: ... wow, that’s, uh...
Val: I hate this guy. So much.
Arthur: Like can you imagine how sad her life must be? Goes to work, doesn’t have screens at home, kisses her boyfriend over a straw that’s her favorite color...
Val: I do not trust this guy. I just can’t.
Brid: “Hey, thanks for staying with me.”
Arthur: “Bro... ”
Brid: Bro, you mean everything to me. Like, no homo, bro, but, I’m so happy you’re here for me.
Arthur: I love you too, bro. I’m never gonna leave you, because you mean everything to me, bro.
Lily: Bro.
Val: BROOOOOO
----------
Lily: Awwww, he’s feeding us now. Beef and potato stew? Licious.
Brid: Y’know, I don’t understand why couples find it cute to feed each other. It’s like, have you ever tried to feed a baby? Like, they take it all fine till they’re like, 12 months, but once the baby develops teeth-
Val: Oh my god, I used to have to feed my cousins- they were like 4 at the time, and twins- I had to feed them some stew with green peppers, and they’d just knock it out of my hand, even if they wanted it. I got frustrated so easily and then made one of them cry when i shoved the spoon in too hard. You have to be really careful.
Lily: ... Ouch.
Val: Yeah. Man, I felt so bad after I did that. But feeding kids once they grow teeth in is hard.
Arthur: And yeah, if you’re fed while you have teeth, it’s like... awkward. I don’t know, maybe I’m used to having food randomly shoved into my mouth with a larger bite than I eat.
Brid: Oh, big mood, I hate it when people try to feed me with a bigger bite than’s usual for me.
Lily: ...
Lily: Am I the only one that actually likes being fed? With a spoon?
Val: ... He’s absolutely feeding us dead bodies. I’m so sure of it.
Lily: WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?
Val: I DON’T TRUST THIS BITCH HE’S PROBABLY LIKE A CANNIBAL OR SOMETHING
------------
Brid: “I lean against the wall to pick up the towel. Suddenly a part of the wall collapses, revealing a small hole. This part of the wall looks like it was sealed and then painted over.”
Val: DEAD BODY
Lily: ... Yeah probably.
Arthur: Oh boy.
Brid: “I peer through the hole, seeing pipes- and among them, a human head, legs, and torso.”
Val: HE CUT UP A BODY
Brid: “A corpse.” Val, look at the art. He did not cut up a body.
Val: HE KILLED A BODY
Arthur: “Body” implies that it’s already dead.
Val: HE KILLED A PERSON
Brid: There we go.
Lily: Wait, so he killed a person?
Brid: Who’s ‘he’?
Lily: ... Brid, you just said ‘He killed a person’.
Brid: No, Val said that.
Val: And you agreed with me.
Brid: You never specified who ‘he’ was.
Val: There’s only one other guy in the story. Takuya.
Brid: “He” could be God.
Val: Does Mr. Shitty Teal Apron look like God to you?
Arthur: You’re God.
Val: DAMN RIGHT I’M GOD
Lily: ... Wait, what were we talking about?
---------
Brid: “I saw a body in the bathroom.”
Arthur: “I think you just had a bad nightmare. Everything will be fine, don’t worry! I’ll take care of it after I do the dishes.”
Brid: “There’s a BODY in the BATHROOM and all you can think about is DISHES?!”
Arthur: “A healthy house begets a healthy mind. We must eliminate all kinds of nuisance to be at peace.” ... I don’t like this guy.
Lily: BOI
Val: HE MURDERED THAT BODY
Lily: DAMN RIGHT HE DID
Arthur: Oh boy. Th-Theories?
Val: He’s a cannibal. He’s trying to get us to be cannibals too. That or he’s raising us like livestock to eat. Promised Neverland style.
Lily: Zombie apocalypse. He’s trying to keep us sane. Only uninfected meat is humans. He wants to feed us meat.
Arthur: ... He’s absolutely going to snap and try to kill us if we say we don’t love him. It’s going to be scary.
Brid: ... Yeah, it’s fucked up, huh?
---------
Brid: “I hear some strange sounds downstairs. Why is he cooking at this hour?”
Val: CANNIBALISM
Lily: YEAH
Arthur: TAKUYA DONT EAT PEOPLE
Brid: *stifling a giggle* “The noise sounds like a knife cutting something.”
Val: GUESS THAT BEEF STEW WASNT REALLY BEEF HUH
Lily: I THINK YOU’D KNOW WHAT BEEF TASTES LIKE
Val: AMNESIA
Lily: GOOD POINT
Brid: “I pause for a moment, worrying he’ll be angry.”
Lily: HE LOCKED US IN A ROOM. FUCK HIM.
Arthur: I SWEAR HE’LL SHOW UP AND BE COVERED IN BLOOD
Lily: OH GOD
Arthur: It’s like, we walk in, and he’s covered in blood, and he’s like- Naw, bro! I know you see all this blood on my chest, but calm down! It’s just pig blood, see? Was making some fresh pork for you, bro!
Brid: *cracking up* Aww, bro, it’s all over yourself! All over your sexy, manly arms!
Arthur: Yeah, bro. I need to wash this stuff off, but there’s too much and it’s all stuck to my hairy chest, bro!
Brid: I’ll help you, bro! Let’s take a shower together so we can clean it all off, bro!
Arthur: Sounds awesome, bro! No homo, bro!
----------
Brid: Aaaaand there’s our big bloody boy.
Lily: Please never say anything remotely like that again.
Val: Try and explain your way outta this one, you fuck.
Arthur: “Bro you had to stay in the room! Go back there now!”
Brid: “I push Takuya away and repress the urge to vomit. The air is filled with the disgusting stench of blood. The countertops are covered in red. Several garbage bags lie on the ground, filled with distinctive shapes.”
Val: Is he... not a cannibal?
Lily: Don’t ask me.
Arthur: “This person is a man who hung around you. He was bad, so I took control of things.”
Brid: “You killed a guy!”
Arthur: “I had to!”
Brid: “You’re crazy!”
Lily: As if that weren’t already clear from him throwing out all of our screens.
Val: Yeah. Wait, didn’t they say she went to work? Doesn’t she get to see screens there?
Brid: “His eyes darken.”
Arthur: “Don’t say things like that. All of it. I did it for you.” Great, creepy eyes now. He’s gonna kill us next. Fuck.
Brid: “I feel a rush of adrenaline as I rush towards the entrance.”
Lily: GRAB A WEAPON!
Val: THAT BITCH HAS A KNIFE
Lily: OH FUCK
Arthur: D-Don’t yell!
Val: LIVING ROOM NOW
Lily: UNDER THE TABLE
Val: HE HAS A KNIFE
Lily: SHE HAS A TABLE
Arthur: “Bro, come here.”
Lily: RUN
Val: YEAHHHHH SHE GOT OUT
Brid: You guys are having way too much fun with this.
Lily: RUN FOR THE DOOR
Val: FUCK HE CAUGHT US- OH GOD HE’S CLOSE
Lily: AAAAAAAA WHY DOES THE GAME DO THAT
Arthur: Are you two okay?!
Val: No. We’re not. We hate this guy.
Lily: With a passion.
Val: OH FUCK A CROSSROADS. BEDROOM OR BATHROOM
Lily: UHHHH. OH FUCK. BATHROOM.
Val: Yeah, he’ll lock us in the bedroom!
Lily: GOOOO
(Arthur and Brid click the option while they’re enjoying Lily and Val’s shouting)
Brid: “I pick up a hair dryer.”
Lily: OHHH IS SHE GONNA STRANGLE HIM WITH THE HAIR DRYER?!
Val: FUCK YEAH GIRL
Lily: GO FOR IT BRO!
Val: Or... smack him. That works too, I guess.
Lily: IN. THE FUCKING. BALLS. BITCH.
Val: TURN DOWN FOR WHAT!!
Brid: “I run out.”
Lily: YEAH RUN BITCH RUN
Val: GET OUT THE WAY!
Lily: YEET OUTTA THERE SIS
Brid: “But something catches my ankle.”
Lily: AWWWWWW
Val: COME ON. FUCKING. YANDERE ASS. FUCKER
---------
Val: Aaaaand now we’re bound and gagged.
Lily: This guy is the worst. I hate him.
Brid: Seriously.
Arthur: “If only things could go back to the way they were... ” he says, covered in blood, still trying to hide the belongings of the dead guy. “we would be so happy.”
Lily: Hate this guy.
Arthur: “This man ruined everything.” OH MAN, I think he’s actually a yandere. Yeah, that makes him a yandere, right? Killing someone for his one true love? Or maybe he’s a good guy, who knows. Maybe. I don’t know. I think the creepy eyes aren’t, uh... helping his case.
Lily: Yeahhhh....
Arthur: “I’m sorry this all happened. It won’t happen again. Just please know that I’d do anything for you.”
Brid: THEN PERISH
Lily: OHHHHHH
Val: THEN PERISH YOU FUCKING CANNIBAL
Arthur: But he’s not even a cannibal...
Lily: Close enough.
Brid: “You’re not my boyfriend, you’re a thief!”
Arthur: “Does this mean... that the drug is no longer effective?” THAT SPRITE IS DOWNRIGHT TERRIFYING. OH MY GOD LOOK AT HIS SMILE. I DO- I DO NOT LIKE THAT.
Brid: Yeah, that transition’s a bit scary, huh?
Arthur: I’m going to have nightmares about that.
Brid: You don’t have to look at his eyes.
Lily: So he was drugging us.
Brid: “In the depths of my memory, I see a man, not Takuya, embracing me tenderly. We went on dates and holidays together... but then I remember that he was the man whose face I saw in the wall.”
Arthur: Damn... That’s... evil.
Brid: Fuck this guy. “You ruined my life!”
Arthur: “Don’t talk nonsense- it was him! You were happy with me. But he didn’t deserve you. You should be happy for everything I did for you.”
Brid: “You killed my boyfriend and drugged me to make me think I had amnesia!”
Arthur: “The drugs were useful. I cooked them into everything I made for you. It made you think you went to work and came back at night. It was impressive.”
Val: Man, I don’t think I’ve ever been on a drug trip this bad.
Arthur: “We can go back to the way things used to be.”
Brid: “Go fuck yourself, asshole!”
Val: THATS MAH GIRL! YEAH GET EM
Lily: FUCK YEAH!
Arthur: “Stop talking to me like that. You were much more docile in bed... ”........ Oh my god. What the fuck. That’s so fucked up.
Val: I want him dead.
Brid: I’m gonna kill this guy. Seriously, what an asshole, right?
Val: So let me get this straight. He killed our boyfriend, kidnapped us, drugged us so we thought we were going to work every day and coming home to him, lied to us about being in a relationship for five years and r*ped us while we were out cold.
Lily: Yeah, guess so. What the fuck, man.
Val: ... Fuck this guy.
Arthur: I... really want to see this guy get justice hammered.
Brid: “You’re crazy!”
Arthur: “Yes, I’m crazy! Crazy about you! But don’t you remember? You said you loved me too.”
Brid: “I could never love someone like you!”
Arthur: “You lied to me! Don’t toy with my feelings! This has to stop. I’m going to make sure you stay with me forever!”
Val: He’s gonna kill us.
Brid: *trying not to laugh* Ohhhh yeah.
Arthur: “Why didn’t I think of this before! It’s so romantic. They say making love unites bodies but only for a moment... how would you like to be a part of me forever?!”
Lily: Is he gonna do that thing in Black Butler where he’s gonna sew our bodies together?!
Arthur: Oh, GROSS.
Val: ... That... happened in Black Butler?
Lily: Yeah, it was a major plot point and everything. Like, the main villain was like, hey, let’s sew Ciel’s parents’ bodies together. To make a perfect human being. Union of male and female, y’know?
Val: ... Wow. Maybe I should watch it.
Brid: I like that one better than what actually happens here.
Val: Wait, what?
Arthur: “I mean... eating you.”
Val: WAIT I WAS RIGHT ABOUT THE CANNIBALISM?!
Brid: ...
Val: BRID?
Brid: ...
Val: BRID.
Arthur: “Don’t worry, you’ll be happy inside me! I’m happy just thinking about it!”
Val: GETTING CONFIRMATION HE’S A CANNIBAL IS SOMEHOW SO MUCH WORSE THAN JUST SPECULATING ABOUT IT
Brid: “Please don’t do this, I beg of you-”
Val: I HATE THIS BRID
Arthur: “Oh, right. I never made dessert.”
Val: “Bad end: Cannibal Love.” Yeah, okay. So, uh, what the fuck, Bridget? What in the goddamn fuck was this? He ate us!
Brid: I just really wanted to see your reactions to the cannibalism.
Lily: You’re a monster. I’m afraid.
Arthur: I enjoyed it. Sort of.
Brid: I know. It was just for the reactions.
Arthur: I will have nightmares, Brid. I hope you know that.
Brid: Takuya the evil cannibal yandere rapist isn’t real and can’t hurt you.
Arthur: Takuya be like... there. On the title screen. Smiling at us. Only it’s creepier now that we know he’s a yandere.
Brid: There is a true ending. But, uh, if you don’t want to see it-
Val: How do you get it?
Brid: Hold on, let’s get some water, and then we’ll have to restart the whole game pretty much...
---------
Brid: Hey everyone, Ace Hang’s back, with some more My Darling, we got some snacks and water, and we’re gonna try for the true ending this time.
Arthur: I’m not ready. I’m not ready.
Lily: It’s okay, man. You’ve done great so far. Just a little bit more.
Val: Yeah. Do it for us. Who wants to kill this bitch.
Arthur: Yeah! Okay, so uh...
Brid: You’re offered one choice at the beginning of the game that’s like, “I love you!“ or “You doubt me?“. We chose “I love you” the first time. If you pick “You doubt me” you get the true ending. Kind of out of place, but hey. And for the other events in the game, like us finding the body in the bathroom, finding Takuya cutting up a dead body, and the big chase scene where we try to run away from the cannibal yandere, are all the same.
Val: Unfortunately.
Brid: Yeah... Anyway, let’s get back into the action. He’s got us tied up on the couch right now.
Arthur: “I asked you if you loved me, and you never gave an answer. I want one now.“
Lily: Kind of a weird spot, yeah.
Arthur: “Despite everything, do you love me?“
Lily: NO
Val: FUCK NO
Brid: ABSOLUTELY NOT
Arthur: YOU HAVE MADE SOME VERY QUESTIONABLE DECISIONS MY GUY
Brid: “I don’t love you. I love the man you killed.”
Arthur: “Shut up about him!“
Brid: He threatens me with his knife.
Arthur: “I stabbed him a hundred times!“
Val: No ya didn’t, ya fuckin’ liar. You stabbed him 99 times. Bitch.
Lily: *dying of laughter*
Brid: “He’s leaning near my face while shouting. I kick him.“
Lily: YEAH GIRL!! WHOOO GET EM
Val: FUCK HIM UP! FUCK HIM UP!
Brid: “I catch the knife in between my fingertips and cut my ties.“
Val: Wait, what?
Val: Wait, wait, hold up. If you caught a butcher knife with your hands, you’d be-
Lily: Listen, if your wrists are bound like this,*holds up hands with wrists together* you could potentially rotate your wrists enough to- see, like that.
Val: No, no. That wouldn’t work. See, your hands would be so tightly bound that-
Brid: What are you guys talking about?
Val: If your hands were bound, could you use a knife to cut your ties?
Brid: BDSM fanfics wouldn’t tell me that one.
Lily: You read BDSM fic?
Brid: You don’t need to know that.
Arthur: What if she cut her legs first, pressed the knife up between her legs, and cut her arms like that?
Val: Great idea, but unrealistic. See, your sneakers aren’t exactly- and especially your bare feet won’t-
Brid: It just happens, okay. Come on, get back to the game. “I see him standing up, quickly grab the keys, and run away.“
Lily: Jesus, how hard did she brain him? If I brained an attacker, I literally would not be able to escape like that.
Val: He fucking deserved it. That’s why.
Arthur: He deserved every ounce.
Brid: “I run out of the house, my breath shaky. I stumble around, scared. There is no one around. Suddenly, I feel a hand on my shoulder-“
Val: STAB HIM
Lily: SHANK THAT HOE
Val: SHANK HIM
Arthur: IT’S PROBABLY JUSTIFIABLE SELF DEFENSE
Brid: “It’s a neighbor and her big dog.“
Lily: Oh thank God. I mean, dog. Oh thank dog.
Arthur: Doggo.
Lily: Okay, so is my zombie apocalypse theory true?
Val: Who has a dog in the apocalypse?!
Lily: “Hey, I was worried about you! Did you move? I saw a stranger enter and leave your house a few times.“
Val: A few times?
Arthur: So basically, he’s only been keeping up the delusion for a few weeks at most.
Val: Why do you say?
Arthur: Groceries. Assuming he had enough money.
Val: ?
Arthur: Beef goes bad in four days usually.
Val: Oh.
Arthur: Potatoes last forever though. And several times means he’s not been there for more than, like, a year.
Val: Oh, well that’s good, at least.
Arthur: I mean, it’s still bad.
Val: Yeah, but like, it’s good that it wasn’t for five years.
Lily: Yeah.
Brid: “Quick, we need to get out of here! He’s coming!“
Lily: “Who’s coming?“
Brid: “The dog starts growling. In the distance a shadow detaches itself from the wall. I recognize him. He’s coming towards us.”
Lily: “What the hell does he want?!“
Brid: “I can’t move. Takuya approaches us with a threatening look.“
Lily: “Stay away or I’ll set my dog on you!“
Val: *ARF*
Arthur: “Bro, come here. We’re going home.“
Brid: “No way, you murderer!“
Lily: Bitch, I’m real close to setting my dog on you!
Val: *ARF ARF ARF*
Lily: How are you doing that?
Val: I’m a man of many talents.
Lily: Sure you weren’t a furry once?
Val: Shut up.
Arthur: “So you hate me? I thought I was doing the right thing... Why don’t you love me? Why can’t you see that I have so much to offer you?“
Lily: Oh, I don’t know, maybe because you kidnapped us and stabbed our boyfriend?!
Val: Mood.
Brid: “How could I love a person like you?!“
Arthur: “I wanted to build you a better life! I saw you crying on a bench once, and I wanted to save you. Every tear you shed stabbed my heart. Come home, and we’ll pick up the pieces together.“
Lily: If Takuya knew what sin was he wouldn’t care.
Brid: “We’re done here.“ “Police sirens ring out. Takuya looks frantically in their direction and then mine before taking off at top speed. The neighbor tries to restrain her dog-“
Val: *ARF*
Brid: “... from running after him. A police car enters the alleyway.“
(screen fades to white)
Arthur: ... Oh, is that it?
Brid: “A year later, I changed the course of my life. I moved away and began making new memories, but this experience will forever remain in the back of my mind. But I could never forget that man. He’s always there in my tainted memories. One day, I received a letter from an anonymous source:“
Brid: “I only ask that you forgive me.“
Val: ...
Arthur: ...
Lily: ...
Brid: ...
Val: YOU CANNIBALIZED US IN THE OTHER ENDING YOU ABSOLUTE FUCK. YOU YANDERE FUCK.
Lily: Is he out of prison?! How’d we get the note?! What the fuck?! What the Cinnamon Toast fuck is going on here?!
Arthur: Why. Would. Anyone. Forgive you?! What, do you want a sequel where you kidnap her a second time?!
