#ace brainwaves

like, the cardinals are all sequestered away in there, supposedly without access to the outside world. for who knows how long. seems like a big security flaw, anyone (me) could do a Whole Lot of Catholic Coup in that amount of time

also, could they even physically stop me? I'm sure all those old, old men pay for good devout security (this thought is making me want a James Bond type story but it's about the Vatican's secret intelligence agency, does that exist?), but... How much, really?

and if coup is unsuccessful, we get the almost-as-good secondary option of Schism. we haven't had an antipope in too long. and as someone with way more Catholic schooling and knowledge than the average Catholic, but way less than the average Catholic theologian, I would be a great candidate for antipope

like there's gotta be some way I can still make enough money to support having a roof over my head. I don't need a whole lot more than that, just a few cheap things to make life enjoyable. but right now I really don't feel capable of going through a job application and interview process, these days that ends up being 99% wasted effort on fake jobs, and I just don't have the spoons. but I can't work more than 18-20 hours a week at the current minimum wage job, and that's just not enough money unfortunately

doctors have been telling me for months to just wait for the MRIs, they'll have answers, and then you can get on with your life. but the MRIs were Sunday, they somehow came back perfectly normal, and now I can't get the same doctors to care because 'congratulations there's nothing wrong with you'

which of course I can't bring up to people irl, because they're all like "but you're little asexual uwu baby, you can't be horny or want sex"

I hate it. I can want and have sex if I want to, regardless of how asexual I may be. Also, I'm not some fucking innocent child who knows nothing of sex, and you should stop acting like it's such a novelty when I partake in discussions with allosexual people about sex

I am biologically female (and quite happy with that), and have been out as bigender for many years now

I've thought for most of that time that being a man and a woman simultaneously feels right for me. I've always, since childhood, been someone who people had trouble deciding, upon seeing me, what pronouns to use. I truly do not understand why - I guess I must have a more masculine body type than most women? I also rarely wear makeup and don't dress particularly femininely, but I do dress to show off the boobs (they're nice), so I really don't know

I also make friends with guys far easier than with women - guys have always been more willing to see me as 'one of the dudes' and be friendly, while many women are uncomfortable to have me in women's spaces, so I stopped going to such places

But lately I've been realizing that I'm really hurt by people not ever seeing me as a woman. It's led to romantic rejection multiple times, and honestly I haven't done anything to purposely not be seen as a woman (and on a few occasions I've even put in the opposite effort), and it's been making me feel really unattractive

So now I'm questioning whether being bigender is the right gender identity for myself after all, or if I just felt pushed into that by other people not seeing me as a woman. Maybe I'm just a woman after all?

But also, I respect dudehood and masculinity so much? And I do really like using my gender as a way to show people that men and women are not opposites, and are not even opposite ends of some spectrum, but are two possible ways of being that can and do overlap greatly and are both great ways to be. I use the term "gender positive" for myself instead of "gender neutral" for this reason

and before the vile sides of this website come after other people, I want to be 100% clear that all this questioning is mine and mine alone, it says NOTHING about any other person's gender identity. this includes but is not limited to:

- Everyone is valid in their own gender identity. This includes trans people, cis people, nonbinary and genderqueer folks, xenogenders, people who don't or can't medically transition, people who don't "look like" their gender identity, people who aren't "out" for any reason, questioners, detransitioners, EVERYONE

- Being a man is a great thing to be - whether you're cis or trans. It's patriarchy that is the problem, NOT men. Terfs and radfems can fuck off

- Being a woman is also a great thing to be. Feeling positive about your own gender, regardless of what it is, is a great thing

And it's not like I'm doing nothing at all, but of course it doesn't matter to most people how much effort I put in, it's never enough unless I'm getting offers. Even the month back in the summer where I put in over 500 applications, it "wasn't enough" because I wasn't getting any interviews. Clearly I should have been submitting 600 applications

I've been working lately on spending any time and energy I can devote to the job search, on resume revising. Because that's the only thing within my control at this point that I can do differently, and the "spamming hundreds of job applications with my current resume" approach isn't working. I do finally have some friends who will help review my resume, too, and I personally have read up on plenty of tips too. So I'm hopeful. It's just very slow

I started my current job search in February. So that means we're 10 months in with nothing to show. Only one interview, and they ghosted me afterward. It's hard to not take this personally. But I do know that [1] the job market is absolute shit rn and has been all year, [2] I'm doing my best, and it's still nowhere near the amount of work into this search that I'd like it to be, and [3] I am shooting myself in the foot quite a bit by limiting myself to the region of one particular (expensive) city, but I have good reasons to need to do that

Ugh. Everything is so expensive, too, even though I've just been purchasing the absolute necessities for the past 6 months. I've been on short term disability for 4 months now (since I was working a barista job that was becoming bad for my health due to having to be upright/standing for so long), and it's not nearly enough. Even though I (luckily?) don't have to pay for rent or utilities right now (the roommate situation is real dicey though), I've still been going into debt every month just to pay for food, necessary bills, and healthcare

I've made the decision to go back to the barista job at the end of the month, despite being terrified I will pass out on shift, since we still haven't figured out how to effectively treat the POTS (though I do have appointments with actual specialists coming up in the new year, so there's plenty of hope there). But I literally can't afford not to be working, and no one else will so much as interview me

I don't say this to make people feel bad, just because it's unfortunately the way my life is truthfully right now, and has been all year. It absolutely sucks ass. And the worst part for me is that I know many people have it much worse, and society on the whole doesn't give a shit about any of us.

Now everyone² online is blocked, I have no friends IRL³, and my therapist says I'm doing a great job

No wonder society sucks so bad. I'm chillin though

¹Both in order to actively choose who I let have significant roles in my life, and to decide whose opinions I listen to.

²Except you, dear reader.

literally repeating the same phrase over again, with no changes except maybe to change the year

it always calls to mind the quote "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"

nothing will get better if you don't make it better

unfortunately due to systemic injustices this often involves getting other people IRL to HELP you make it better, if you are part of various marginalized groups. and other people, in my experience, don't want to do shit