#ac dec

These are the words that taunt me as I think about the man I passed by the hallway today. These are the words that haunt me as I think about his sandy blonde hair, tall, composed stature, and his incredibly handsome face, made cuter only by his intelligent glasses. These are the words that torment me as I think about his charisma, his charm, his friendliness, his confidence.

Failure is an inevitable event in life. We all have to face it sometime--whether it be a failure to ourselves, to friends, to family. Most people pick themselves up, learn from their mistakes, and attack the next challenge with renewed confidence. I am not one of them. Instead, I am someone who likes to be on the ground for a while, to wallow in self-pity, to dwell in my puddle of tearful regret.

And so, I dwell when my Ac Dec team fails to advance to State. I ponder the possibilities had I actually studied. Honestly, it would have made my individual score higher, but I alone would not have been able to carry my team to State. And so I wonder "Would I have felt worse if I had studied and was unable to go to State despite my efforts?" And then I wonder if I should have acted more as a leader and just encouraged everyone, myself included, to study. Maybe we could have made it to State.

I no longer have an obligation to study Ac Dec materials. There's no need. No point. And yet, why do I have this burning desire to learn more about Russia now? Why do I not want to indulge in video games and TV shows anymore? Why do I punish myself by disregarding all the distractions that could ease the pain of failure?

Words are the instruments we use to express our souls. We use words selfishly, and I ask that you to keep that in mind as you listen to me share my passions and pains with you. This speech is a journey of self-discovery. My goal is not to inform you about myself or to persuade you that I am a good person. My purpose is not to incur sympathy in your hearts or to provide inspiration for your lives. This speech is not about you, but about me. And so, all I ask is that you play your part and listen to my story.

For as long as I can remember, I have always been a pessimist. And for just as long, I have always wondered the reason for my pessimism. And just recently, I have come to the conclusion that pessimism is the antithesis of innocence. It is when you lose that desire to believe anything and everything you hear that pessimism begins to enter your life. It is when you no longer believe in Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy that pessimism becomes your faith. It is when you doubt that you will have a promising future, that you will live a successful and joyous life, that pessimism takes over your heart and your soul.

But what if you cannot remember when you stopped believing in Santa or the Tooth Fairy? What if you always doubted the promise of the future? When did pessimism begin to control your life? Where did you lose your innocence? Did you leave it in the hospital when your parents brought you to your first home? Did you forget it in the womb when you were first brought into this big and scary world? Or were you a defect? Had God merely forgotten to inject you with the standard dose of innocence as he did with every other child?

And for those questions, I have no answers. I wish I knew where I had misplaced my innocence. I would go back to the hospital and search every corner of every room to find my fair share of optimism. I would kneel and pray to God every day if he could give me the innocence I was entitled to. But innocence is not something you can find. It is not something that you can gain, but something you can only lose.

Pessimism rules my life and controls my heart. It is the reason my mind is plagued by irrational concerns and worries. It is the reason my actions are marked by unusual caution and forethought. And it is the reason my body is perpetually imprisoned by fear and anxiety. Because to me, all of my concerns and worries are real. To me, the caution and forethought put forth with every move are necessary to avoid disaster. To me, the fear and anxiety that cripple my body are important reminders that I am and will always be a prisoner of pessimism.