#abuse patterns

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I don't go into an interview because I need a job, I go into an interview because the person who created the job opening listing needs a specific set of skills.  It's a simple equation, needs to resources.  The rest concerns how well you can work together in articulating the problem and solutions.

Let me shift gears here for just a moment.  Have you ever been in a series of bad relationships and wondered why?  Psychologists call this a serial abuse pattern.  Basically, you, not the employer, has a problem.  You have exited a bad employment contract, and are looking for a better contract, yet you haven't figured out what caused the previous contract to go bad.  The details of a dead employment contract autopsy will be discussed later, for now let's look at how you got into this mess.

Many people go into an interview looking for a specific type of personality that they think they can work with.  This is also holds true in relationships.  The problem is that candidates are not looking at how these personality traits match up with their previous engagement.  And, in failing to understand this point, the candidate unwittingly enters into the same relationship they just exited.  And, the same abuse patterns will begin to occur.

The problem with most contract candidates is the they haven't really examined the personality of the hiring manager.  Nor are they watching for the repeating patterns to occur again as they contract commences.  They are happy to have the contract and be back to work.  So what should you watch for?

I'm going to use the Physical Abuse cycle as a template on what and when to watch for problems.

The Honey Moon!

The honey moon period is the first few weeks with the new contract. The manager is helping you get settled in, and become productive.  There is an understanding that you don't know where everything is and that you will need time to acclimate to your new surroundings.  This period usually lasts about 2 to 4 weeks.

In the business world this is called, "The On Boarding Process". What happens during this time is that your manager will come along and ask you if you need anything.  They will introduce you to various people. Get you acquainted with the facilities that you are working in.  Maybe help you find other resources such as food and drink, or other services.

BTW .. if you don't have an on boarding plan in place, you might want to create one.

Normalcy

During this period of time, things going smoothly.  Your manager doesn't come around as often to check on you.  You are expected to produce, and to take steps towards decision making and supporting your decisions.  You engage colleges in conversation from different parts of the organization and attend meetings concerning your product. All is normal.  

Now, normal, is qualified here.  Project timelines have their highs and lows.  Some times you have no work todo, and suddenly you're burried in a lot of work.  Some times you're distracted by multiple priorities, and some times your so focused that time flies and you've put in a 10 hr day in a single blink.

Good managers know how to control the level of frustration you feel while doing your work, as a product delivery deadline approaches.  Everyone on your team from Project Managers, Stake Holders, Designers, Engineers, Developers and Integration Specialists know all the ins and outs of the problems you should be facing as you complete your components.

Until...

Verbal Abuse

A good manager always attacks the problem not the person.  This is how you distinguish between an attack on the problem and a personal attack on you.  The question now becomes, what is the problem?

It is expected that during your work you will reach blocks.  Maybe you don't have the needed resources. Maybe you didn't anticipate a problem.  Maybe another co-worker did something that caused your work to burp.  Things happen.

There are also the cases where you have had to deviate from the plan in order to get things done.  It happens, and sometimes those deviations come back to haunt you.  But even this should not be cause for a manager to blame you, if you did due diligence and managed the managers expectations.

However, there are times where the manager is feeling pressure and slips.  This is what we call, "Their true nature!".  Actually it's not their true nature, it's just how they react in this situation, not how they react all the time.  Remember, they were nice during the Honey Moon and Normalcy periods.  However, a toxic work environment can start with just a simple slight.

In this stage, the hiring manager may go beyond questioning your decisions on methodology and blame you for things failing and taking too long.  A slight as simple as, "I feel this project should be moving faster" can be an indicator as to the beginnings of an abuse phase.  An indicator that the abuse phase is well under way is when the manager starts openly stating how frustrated they are with your performance.

Again, there is a difference between reviewing policies, procedures, plans, decisions, and actions taken, to determine the best course of action in order to resolve a problem. It's another thing to label "YOU!" as the problem.  Taken in another context, many victims of anger, will tell you that nothing they did could quell the anger storm. Everything they did just seemed to make the person angrier.  This is portrayed in movies as the statement, "Why do you keep making me angrier?"

One manager took me out for a walk to inform me about how frustrating it was to work with me.  When she asked why I wasn't addressing any of the issues that she was raising - which had nothing to do with the work that I was doing - I replied, "I'm simply facilitating your anger!"  The point here is that people get angry for all sorts of reasons.  You are not the cause, you are simply the trigger reminding them of the original problem that they are refusing to address.  You have a choice, help them work on the real problem, or don't.

Physical Abuse

It's one thing to throw wads of paper at each other, or have pillow fights. It's another to have coffee, tea, water, paperwork, or something else dumped on you.  At this point it's a game to see how much physical aggression you are willing to take before you decide to leave.  And, the aggression will increase.

If someone blames you for everything that is going wrong with their project (in their life!)  Then why aren't you asking, "How could life be so much better, if I were somewhere else?"

One reason why you're not asking that question is because you're familiar with this environment.  Why should you leave it.  it's comfortable. You have friends here.  It's the boss that should leave, they are being an ass. Doesn't management realize that?  

Let me explain something very basic that most people have missed growing up.  This is a learned behavior.

Let me say that again, being aggressive - is a learned behavior!

If the manager is being aggressive to you, look at his managers and see how they treat him.  Look all the way up the chain. It may not be visible immediately, and may be very subtle, but it's probably there.

There are managers out there who suck people in, through being nice.  They either instinctively, intuitively, or purposely know this game, and use it to manipulate you.  To control you.

Their goal isn't to have you be productive. It is to use you in the end as a scapegoat for their own failings.  And at the first sign of trouble, they will have no problem throwing you under the buss to their supervisors. If and when you leave, whether you choose to or you are terminated for cause, is used as evidence to support their revisionist history.

Fixing Your Dilemma

To fix this dilemma, you have to be picky.  Not just go for the first person that will hire you.  No!  You have to remember that you have options, and that one of those options is to create a check list of how relationships devolve and learn how, when and where to exit the relationship when it devolves.  That way you can clearly state that the manager was the problem and not the other way around.  It also allows you to be proactive and assertive in stating that specific behaviors are not acceptable, both in personal life or as a practice of business.

In business there are the day to day operations and then there is the culture.  These are the only two problems you need to worry about when interviewing for a possible position.  How do people treat each other, and how do you do you work?

So why are you there interviewing for the position?  Are you there because you NEED the money, or are you there because you LOVE doing this type of work?  Managers want people who NEED the job, because they are easier to manipulate.  However, startups and creative centers know that great innovative ideas come from people who LOVE their work.

So when you go into an interview KNOW why are you there?  You are there to interview your next supervisor!  Not perform like a monkey to the organ grinder!

I submit to you that you must interview your supervisors just as vigorously as they interview your technical skills.  Find out how they deal with issues.  How have they dealt with problem employees?  How does their supervisors deal with them?  How long have they been in their current position?  What makes them qualified to be a supervisor? Do they know anything about managing people?  How do they problem solve? Are they a subject matter expert in managing people? What was the last book on group dynamics that they read?  Do they follow any leadership blogs? Who else do they know and need to know in their organization to accomplish the initiatives they are charged with?  How will you coming on board help them?  

And, my favorite ... Why should I help you with your problem?

If the hiring manager refuses to set time aside to allow you to ask them questions, ask for a 2nd interview time, or walk away from the position.  A skilled interviewer knows how to scratch beyond the facade and find cultural issues that will derail your self confidence.

Last Word

You have the problem. You have exited a bad employment contract, and are looking for a better contract, yet you haven't figured out what caused the previous contract to go bad.  Do you know how you got into this mess?

Psychologists work very hard to bring your patterns to your attention.  The sooner you see what you are looking for, the sooner you can choose a new path.  If you are subconsciously looking for someone to verbally and physically abuse you to constantly remind you of how bad a person you are, then .. guess what .. you have a very serious problem.  

And, if you don't believe employers that tell you what great work you are doing, you have a serious problem.  Yes, there are employers that will tell you this, to butter you up, that's your job to determine who is using platitudes to sucker you in, vs being sincere.