#absolutelygrounded

i don't trust God. i struggle, i want to be in control and do it my own way. my actions show my lack of trust but i fight it. i trust in God i really do. i might fail to trust Him but i do. because in even in my moments of doubts i know He's been there for me. i know He is faithful, even when i'm not. even when i fail to trust Him. the Lord is good, and He is faithful to His children and i believe that i am His daughter. and He blesses me, and i want to follow Him and serve Him.

i trust Him with my finances, i trust Him with my relationships, i trust Him with my job and my living situation. i want to trust Him with everything in my life. and i have such a hard time doing that. but He is still faithful to provide and protect me.

i chose to trust in God. i believe in God, i believe that i am an Heir.

do you ever think that God directs your reading in the Bible? i'm trying to read a passage, the one before that was speaking straight to my soul but i kept going in the book and what i was reading wasn't entirely sticking. i couldn't hear the Holy Spirit. do you think that's the Holy Spirit guiding me to reading something else in the Bible? or to meditate on what i had read? and look more into it? or stop there and pray about it, to look inwardly and give it upwardly?

The Spirit is alive, breathing, and moving. i pray the Lord leads me to where i need to go, am i letting HIM lead me in scripture or am i trying to lead myself?

i feel God the most when i'm outside, in His creation. makes sense. He is the wind, the breath in my lungs, the Spirit. when i get to read my Bible outside, i love letting the wind turn my pages to what i need to read. He did that this morning for me and it was encouraging. it was real. God's Word is alive.

i'm so over it. i'm exhausted. i want to be done. i wish i could run away just like someone else i know. it wouldn't be easier, probably, but it sounds like it.

truth is. i don't know what i'm doing. i feel like i'm being pulled a thousand ways and i just want to be done. but really i just want to do what feels right. and that's going to disappoint a few people in my life but i am okay with that. i don't need my parent's approval. i definitely don't need my sister's approval. i'm not looking for it, and that's been made clear. i love them, i value them, but i don't need their approval. i seek the One True King's approval and that's about it. yet here i am, stumped. feeling stumped more than i actually am stumped. i just need to make a decision. God will open doors, He will shut doors, He will guide me. The mind of man plans his ways, but the Lord directs his steps. let me find comfort in that. let me find peace in that.

emotionally on the fritz.

my sweet boyfriend went to rehab today. (we call it a retreat) he'll be gone for 6 months. he won't have his phone the entire time. the first 28 days are blackout days for him. he won't be able to see any family, no contact, nothing. after those 28 days, visitors are allowed every Sunday from 9-3 pm. and after those 28 days, he can write letters. so we're minimizing it from 6 months to 28 days. and then i can see him.

this past week we have shared so much love and encouragement for each other. i have never felt closer to him than this past week, but larger scale this past month. he wants to get help. he wants to go to a place that will help him with his addiction and teach him how to rely on Jesus for our every need. and i think that's so freaking awesome. i am so excited for him and this journey and i want to only love and support him through this. this will do wonders for our relationship and only build us up to be stronger.

but it's still hard. and i sit here with tears rolling down my cheeks, sad because i miss him. he is someone who i spent the last 11 months (tomorrow) with. and we have been THROUGH it together. and the days leading up to his retreat have been spent in conversation about our future and our goals. we get along so well, we line up so well, he makes me feel so comfortable and he values me completely. he makes me feel loved in a way that i have never felt before, and i love him like no other love i've experienced before. our relationship has been so messy, but we continually grow and change and want to be better for each other (hence his retreat). he's someone i don't want to stop growing with, he's someone i want to continue to share my life and build a family with. i think he's really awesome.

i don't know how to close this, or what to close this with. i'm so happy for him. i am so so sooooooo freaking proud of him and think he's so strong and courageous for making this change in his life. (and it's not because of me, and honestly, there's just too much detail to get into) i am so in love with him and the man he is and the man he's trying to be, and how can i not want to continue to love and pour into him? he makes it so easy for me to love him and i am so blessed by God to have this relationship and to have him in my life.

i put my resignation this past week. felt pretty good about it, and within the days of writing the letter, delivering it, and coming to work after the weekend, i still find myself unsure of my decision and if this is what God is wanting me to do.

i sit here, reading about what God says in Ecclesiastes. and what's also said in 1 Corinthians 10:31 "Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." and the connection from 1 Cor and Ecclesiastes is work. whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. i've worked at this job for 2 years, i have struggled and toiled and worked hard at this job (to a certain point). i have also found myself facing extreme burnout. the struggle is real, and the work stress is getting heavier.

i feel like i have tried to find joy in my work, i constantly am trying to grow myself in this position as the years go, and i know that I've seen the fruits of my labor. but now i am to a point where it is hurting my spirit. and i'm not sure if i can continue here. and i feel the pressure to stick it out and "find joy along the way". i recognize the blessing of this job, and the place i have been.

i cannot deny the blessings and gifts from God in this season, but i cannot help but wonder. am i making the right decision? i need rest, i need to help my relationship with Christ because the spiritual warfare i am pressed with is present. and very real. and i am finding myself being distracted and brought down from the place i am at. is that my unbelief? is that my own doubt? or am i not giving it the right chance to be good, to find that good?

last night i wrote my very first resignation letter. it felt really good actually. it was freeing. i have loved the job i've been at, for the past two years, yet i am constantly questioning myself if this is the right move. i have a nice salary, i have benefits (that i currently am not enrolled in because i'm still on my mother's insurance). it's a safe job, in a safe town, with a "safe" community. i know what my family thinks about my position. they see the good of this position and the stability it offers.

i'm unhappy here. i have tainted the work i am attempting, the good for the community. the community i am constantly surrounded by. it's hard to feel purposeful, useful, and valued when everywhere i look it seems to radiate judgment and duplicitousness. i recognize there are many other jobs in the world for me. (i live in a small town, where opportunity, naturally, is limited.) i recognize i don't have to work here my entire life. (i'm only 25. i have so much life ahead of me.)

there are a lot of questions i don't have the answer to. there is a lot of uncertainty moving forward. as someone who likes to have a plan and some idea or structure for the future, i feel like i'm flying blind. but i know i'm not.

i'll admit i've been having a hard time hearing His voice. should i stop, and be still. should i wait? is there something better on the horizon? if i stay, will i be okay? if i stay, is that even the right move? if i leave, is that the right move? doubt floods in so easily. i have prayed for answers in my decisions. i trust the Lord is going to lead me where i need to be. i am desperately trying to listen to Him. wherever i go, wherever i serve next, He will lead me. i will not stop praising the Lord.

i like to think of myself as a writer, sometimes. i've always enjoyed writing, mainly fiction or fantasies. but i also write about my life and the struggles i face. the confusion from my own brain that needs to escape.

i want to share my testimony. no one is making me do it, i don't have any goals in sharing this, just that i can share my story and my good news and hopefully encourage someone along the way.

my story feels ugly and shameful. it's hard to share but with each confession, it gets easier. i get to stand up where i am and share that the girl i used to be is not the woman i am today.