#about a

Since the pandemic started, I suppose there has been some highs and lows in regards to changes. Mentally, I feel like maybe we've taken a few steps back, but I think that came from paranoia of being in the house (unwillingly) 24/7. The lock-down was very hard on me, since I enjoy things like morning walks, drinking my coffee outside, and other things.

My attitude also took a left turn for quite sometime, and for a while I was quite mean to both myself and others. It became a plague of a habit, and my bitterness was a projection of my own struggling mental illnesses. For a moment of time, I found myself thinking I was 16 and in a not-so-good environment once again, and me defending myself constantly against nothing affected my relationships with many people.

Though, some of the people I had gotten involved with at this time deserved the way I was acting. And I don't think being in their presence helped this temporary philosophy I was fulfilling. Kill or be killed. But starting 2021, I began to attempt this journey on reclaiming myself, except with my horrible memory on who I once was, the journey was abandoned two months in. I then began this phase of pretending to be other people in hopes that it would remind me of who I once was, I invested in music that was a distant memory for me, or music I had no knowledge of at all.

Rock was a big outlet for this, something about the fogginess of my subconscious mind mingled with the disruptiveness of these songs and stimulated me in a way that made going on day-to-day easier. Or at least, distracted me long enough to not dwell on anything too much. I remember delving back into a band named Bayside, and one of their songs sparked fond memories of be bonding with my mother.

Things were steady with this rediscovery of this stimulation. And eventually it bled into all aspects of my life. The way I dressed always seemed to reflect what I was listening to, I even had a period where I walked around in black-washed jeans (worst decision of my life) and a black biker-looking jacket that said the words 'CREATURE' on the back in these big, bold, green letters.

Someone was an edge-lord.

I then moved onto this Machine Gun Kelly phase of my life, I had discovered one of his songs back in 2020 when I was in a (regrettable) romantic relationship with an individual. The song was 'Bloody Valentine' and the familiarity of the pop-rock Travis Baker (his drummer) was known for itched this stimuli I was seeking at the time. I was like a teething baby in these moments, just sticking anything and everything in my mouth to sooth this gnawing yearn of being me again. The MGK phase remained until recently, and I still find myself appreciating his music every few months but I definitely don't seek it 24/7 like I used to.

My nicotine addiction had come back around this time, and I ruined my sobriety of 2 years with a cigarette after breaking up with that unfortunate situation of an individual. I remember the song I had blasted when taking that first smoke too, and the guilt in my chest when I realized what I was doing. The song was 'Actin' Like That', a collab Yungblud had with MGK at the time. I pathetically looped that songs into the hours of the morning during that break-up, and cringe at that to this day.

More recently, as in early-2023, I got sick of being someone I wasn't and attempted to drop the genre all together. But a part of me was comforted by the loudness in my day-to-day, and I soon realized I have created a dependency with music. I now listen to it almost 24/7, and have broken my Spotify wrapped countless time with how many minutes I put into the damn app. But despite my slight-comfort zone with rock, I dove head first into a genre that I knew nothing about and had no previous connections with.

For a minute, I tried rap, took some suggestions here and there and I remember the first person I listened to was Logic... or maybe Eminem. I only knew these two because I remembered you telling me how you listened to them on your daily runs, and how they kept you going. Yeah, I tried it with a song called 'Homicide'. . .

I didn't get far with that.

But recent, recently, I had remembered an artist you loved and decided to look him up. Три дня дождя. And the first song I listened to, I remember I fell in love with. It was Отпускай, and it was the first time I was fully relaxed and soothed by what I was listening to in a while. Granted, at the time I had no idea what this artist was saying, but over time I did research here and there to get a bare-boned understanding. And now, I find myself listening to his music everyday.

When I started listening to his music more, it reminded me of this brief moment we had where we shared music that reminded us of home. You had shared your music, and me not knowing a lick of Russian was so lost. Though, you were the same way, because for a good amount of time, the majority of the music I listened to was either classical or in French.

I remember you trying to sing in French, comedically horrific.

I've began listening to this songs again, and they've filled something within me that other genre's haven't done. But I'm grateful for exploring, because it's shown me an appreciation for what is out there, and it allows me to connect with others at a deeper level. I do have an artist for you however, when you can, you should pick up a modern composer Joshua Kyan Aalampour. He's magnificent, and I feel like you need music like that in your life other than that screamo you listen to (if you still do).

As for clothing, I think I've found my way back into this academic styling? Well, to be clear, I think the trending term for it now is Dark Academic. I find myself gravitating to browns and muted colors, rather than whites and bold colors like I used to. I don't wish to stand out anymore, it attracts unwanted attention and I find myself liking to keep to me and me only. But that doesn't mean I haven't recently given things like friend groups a try, I do remember you trying to convince me they aren't so bad. They're not... but I like choosing who I speak to instead of letting fate decide where we go, but that might be a defense mechanism. I am open to friends, I just get scared.

I have these black boots I wear almost regularly now, and they add a few inches to me, so instead of being 5'2, I am now 5'4! A big accomplishment if you ask me.

But that's still nothing compared to you since you're 6'2, ahah.

As for books, I no longer read fantasy as much as I used to, or Sci-Fi. I think I've outgrown some of those, but I do read a lot of fiction. That's it, just plain old fiction. I find myself reading a lot of Dostoevsky recently, you would be so happy to hear that I'm sure. Though I might be reaching an end to his books soon, I've read most of them. I might move onto Franz Kafka next, but you know me, I have to finish an author at a time.

Though, I do recommend a small literary sci-fi book called 'This Is How You Lose The Time War'. It's a nice sapphic telling, and it is very heart warming and by far one of my most favorite sci-fi romances. I don't really watch TV anymore, the most recent series of a show I've finished is Wednesday (2022). And that was a joy to watch, you know how much I adore The Addams Family. My taste in movies are still the same, horror movies and ones far before this time are still my go-to.

As for hobbies, I still love ice skating. And I enjoy writing, obviously. I might pick up some different sports, but I'm unsure. I don't think this realm of my life has changed much.

Oh! Before I go, I must tell you something that would shock you. I have pierced my face! Yes, I did it even after I said I would never. I have gotten lip piercings, and I do not regret them one bit. No, sir.

I believe you're caught up now!

Lovingly,