#abitlost

要好好珍惜 小小迷路。

last seen somewhere between oscar wilde and jim morrison #abitlost #notalatergram (at Cimetière du Père-Lachaise)

I’ve forgotten so much of who I used to be; the poetic, hopeless romantic who deeply considered the catastrophic possibilities of finding love in the city. Even though two years prior, I was chasing around boys who didn’t care and hoping every guy was the guy, I don’t know if I was better off then, than I am now. At least then, I could delve into the core of my soul and write beautifully about all my misadventure. Now, I almost feel as if I’ve become a hollow, lacking shell of my former, misguided self. And though misguided, completely perceptive and open to the beautiful life I had been and was able to experience so recklessly. There was a split moment there, where I knew who I was. I fear that I am beginning to lose the part of myself that was able to shine so brightly it could fill the upcoming days with warmth for all--myself included. It all feels so dull now. The monotony of working five days a week, all days, all week. Quite grand in the sense that this is what I’ve been working towards, what most everyone is working towards. And don’t get me wrong, it is not as if I do not enjoy my job; the idea that I have the ability to shape young minds is a large and powerful responsibility; I just don’t know if I am ready for such a responsibility if I, myself, have yet to figure out so much of who I am and what I am capable of. I have gotten caught up in the picturesque idea of living a predictable life, but joy and happiness come in form of the unexpected. To try and make sense of this chaotic, wonderful life that we’ve been lucky enough to partake in just seems a bit counterintuitive. And yet, there is fear that grips my heart. A fear that is not so easy to let go of now that I must fend for myself. It is self-destruction in the form of irresponsibility to let go of the stable job I have now in order to begin the quest to know myself. It is giving up the path to a stable, secure future. And yet, how can I be truly happy if I have not dedicated my entire being to quell the thirst of knowledge I so seek. What does it mean to be human, what does it mean to be truly alive? If so much of our time is spent maintaining the man-made structures, are we not wasting and limiting our true potential?  Trying to maintain these artificial structures is the biggest distraction from going out and finding the answers to our most essential questions. Oftentimes, I don’t think deep enough for exhaustion has left me content to only heal my shallow wounds. How can I contribute if I cannot find, within myself, the very essence that motivates good will and genuine care any longer?