#abeautifulmess13

There are a few things I wanted to tell you just so that I know I did. First and foremost, I truly have never loved anyone I’ve been with more than I love you. All talk and fantasy stuff aside, you have held more of my heart than anyone. I never wanted anyone but you from the moment you first hugged me in your doorway. You have mentioned sometimes how I prefer bigger guys. And, yes, in the past I have typically leaned in that direction. But, I often admired you physically. I remember especially in Altamonte I would always watch you from the bed as you walked toward the sink and want to touch your arms. And your cute bottom. Despite the bad and how things have ended up, I have had some of the best experiences of my life with you and I will never forget them. I want you to know that, I always did try. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you what you were needing and wanting so badly. I swear to you that every session and in between sessions for the first 4 ½ years I did try. I honestly did. I want you to know I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to over come my broken heart and be there for you throughout. I think maybe the new break reopened some of the old cracks as well and it was/is just too much for me to overcome. I was never trying to punish you. I promise I would never do that. I still feel so broken every day that I just don’t even know what to do. I feel that I can’t make it out of all this. For all I’ve been thru in my life, I just don’t think I can pull myself up and move forward this time.   I want you to know that I want you to have what you want, need and desire so badly. I want you to be happy and healthy. I want you to have someone who engages you. Who has more than a two step thought process. You need that and you should have that. I want you to have someone who will make you laugh. Who can be silly with you. Who will sing to you.  Someone who makes you finish video games and who you look forward to going to bed with every night. And waking up to every morning. And who makes you or makes you want to have all kinds of new experiences so that when you’re old and gray you will have good memories and feel fulfilled. I want you to have the option of having a baby B, because you could be an amazing dad. And maybe leaving your mark on the world with a child IS how you will change the world. I still believe you can. I want these things for you, that I can’t give you, and so much more. I want them for you because you deserve them and because I love you so so much. I wish I had been the one able to give them to you but I just can’t.  It’s just not me. I probably should have admitted this to myself and you a long long time ago. But, I just couldn’t imagine letting you go.  I’m sorry for that. I want to get you help. You do need it and you are smart enough to see it and strong enough to do it.  You are my loverbunny and will always be the cutest boy in the world in my eyes. I love you, J. <3

Salad Fingers

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I just remember she was sitting at the kitchen table but it was closer to the front door than where it is now. And she was with another woman who I felt like was her sister maybe. Someone else was in the room too more towards the hallway, but I don’t know who. Or even if it was male or female. And I walked in the front door and I was nervous and I went to introduce myself and she gave me a hug and told me to sit with her. I feel like I was there with her for a long time, like the dream lasted all night long. I feel like we shared so much with each other but I don’t remember even talking with her much. Just a feeling like welcoming and love. I wish I had been able to know her when she was alive.

Salad Fingers

abeautifulmess13