#abbeysnail

It seemed like an hour passed while I walked in the cold downpour following the invisible tug on my wrist. Truthfully, it was only twenty minutes or so. I finally saw a figure moving in the distance. I knew I was too far away for him to hear me, so I kept walking. When I got closer I realized what I was seeing. Muriel was waist deep in the river of the stream, his clothes tossed in a wet, haphazard pile by the river bank. I blushed a deep red, though I was well hidden by the forest. Muriel couldn’t see me still, but I could see all of him. 

For the first time I saw him without any of the things he hid behind. His shackles had been removed by Asra weeks ago, but he was still never seen without his tattered cloak, furs, and that scarf I bought him so long ago. I really saw him, for everything that he was. And he was, a true vision. His shaggy black hair was slicked down by the rain, but it periodically fell into his face. His shoulders and chest glistened as water dripped down his body. I could see every muscle moving as he reached up to wipe water out of his eyes. I was mesmerized watching the raindrops bounce off his body and the water trail down to meet the stream itself, which was just barely obscuring what I’m sure was something very impressive. I could finally see all of his scars; they twisted and turned over all parts of his body. I couldn’t imagine carrying reminders of that much pain etched into my very skin. How I longed to be there and to run my hands over his body and tell him how he looks through my eyes. He was beautiful and soft and strong all at once. If only he could see it. If only he could believe it.  

I realized, standing there, that I didn’t have to stay standing behind the brush like a shadow. I slowly moved forward, closer to Muriel. As soon as he saw me, he froze like a deer. His eyes were wide and I swear I couldn’t see him breathe. 

“It’s just me, Muriel,” I said while taking another step into the clearing. “I was worried that you were gone so long, so I came out to look for you. Do you mind if I join you?”

His eyes still searched my face for a hint of malintent, no matter how long we’d been together, he was always a little unsure. I wished I could tell him how I really feel, how deeply and truly I feel for him. 

He gave me a solemn nod, but his blush spread down his face to his shoulders. I shed my clothes, leaving them in a pile next to his, and felt the bracing rain on my body. There were definitely easier ways to bathe. I waded into the water next to him, my eyes not even level with his chest. Somehow it was easy to forget that he was six foot ten when we were wrapped up in bed together. I stretched up trying to put my arms around his neck, but couldn’t come close, so I rested my hands gently on his waist while we stood in the rain together. 

“Are you okay?” I asked him. 

“.......I’m fine,” he replied, but the words caught in his throat every so slightly. “I thought I’d be alone out here.”

He bent over slightly as I reached up and pushed a lock of hair out of his face, tucking it behind his ear. I cupped his cheek in my hand and he closed his eyes and leaned into it. 

“Muriel, you can tell me if something’s wrong. I’m here for you, I promise.” He opened his eyes and looked at me; his eyes were as green as the lush forest around us. The rain kept pouring down in sheets, but with him here, with me, I barely noticed it at all. For a second, I saw his gaze soften as he met mine, before he looked down again in shame. 

“I don’t….like….seeing myself like this,” he grumbled. I took a step back, surveying him from head to, well, the water. Every inch of him was perfect in every way to me, including the blush that spread over his entire face as I did so. 

“You mean naked? Why?” I asked. I had a feeling I knew the answer, but I wanted to give him space to tell me himself. By the look on his face, he didn’t want to tell me, he just kept staring down into the water between us. For a long moment, the rain was deafening. He traced a long scar down his chest and looked off into the forest. Even through the rain I could see the tears in his eyes. I reached out, slowly, to put my hand on his chest. He watched me like he half expected me to hurt him too. I placed my hand gently over his heart, feeling his steady heartbeat. He wordlessly put his hand over mine. We stood there for what seemed like forever while I tried to form words that could even begin to put him at ease. 

“I’ve done terrible things in my life….why don’t you judge me for them?” His low voice broke the silence, startling me briefly. 

“Why would I? You didn’t have a choice. You never wanted to do those things.”

“But I still did them. That blood is on my hands, that will never change.” He looked out to the forest, silently crying. I gently pulled him closer to me so our bodies were touching and wrapped my arms around him. I put my head softly on his chest. 

“I can’t say anything that will make that right...that will make what he did to you right. But, Muriel, these hands,” I stepped back and took his big hands in mine, rubbing my thumbs over his scarred knuckles and then watching the raindrops fall on his palms, “these hands have shown me nothing but kindness, compassion, beauty, and love.” I kissed his knuckles and held his hands as I put them on my cheeks. 

“You survived your past, Muriel. You never deserved what happened to you,” I said, barely loud enough to be heard past the rain. I traced another one of his scars with my finger, he tensed up briefly, but relaxed. “These scars are just bad memories now, they don’t get to tell you who you are.” I could feel his breath shudder and then calm down slightly. I could tell he didn’t know what to say, so I wrapped my arms around him again, and we stood there in the rain together. 

“....Thanks,” I heard him say under his breath. I looked up at him, giving him a smile. “I love you, you know. All of you, past, present, and future. That’s never changed.” In true Muriel fashion his cheeks turned bright red at my proclamation, but it didn’t make it any less true. I would give anything for him to love himself the way I loved him. 

“You keep saying that….” he paused, pointedly avoiding eye contact, “.....thank you.”

He leaned down and kissed me, catching me off guard. I put one arm around his neck and kissed him back, deeply. “Not that I’m complaining,” I smiled at him, “but what was that for?” Muriel looked fully prepared to not acknowledge what he just did. “You look cold….we should get back.” 

I hadn’t realized how cold I felt, standing there in the rain, in a stream, naked, until he said those words. Suddenly I was freezing. Neither of us wanted to put wet clothes back on, so we gathered them up and started to walk back to the hut just as we were. I reached up to his hand and laced my fingers with his, periodically brushing his shoulder as we walked. As we got closer to the hut, the rain started to let up, finally. 

Muriel unlocked the door’s protection and poked his head in. Inanna seemed to have already taken the hint and was facing away from the door when she gave her snort of acknowledgement. I wondered how often Muriel went to cry in the rain. He went inside and quickly wrapped a fur around himself, looking at me in mild embarrassment, before poking at the fire to keep it going. I walked over to him and gently tugged on the fur around his waist. 

“You’ll dry off quicker without it,” I offered, laying down beside the fire myself. I reached my arms out to him playfully. Without making eye contact he slipped the fur off and laid down in front of me. Gently I traced my lips down his back, planting small kisses all the way down. 

“I’m still afraid I’m going to hurt you,” he said, with his voice trailing off. 

“Turn over, face me.” Muriel begrudgingly did, casting a shadow over me as he moved. “I’m not afraid of you. I know you, Muriel. You’re gentle and kind.” I pressed my forehead against his, both of us closing our eyes. 

“I love you.” The words made my heart jump. I put my arms around him, warm and perfectly at peace with the way our bodies pressed together, with the way our hearts were beating together. 

“Thank you.” His voice was soft, and quiet. 

“For what?”