#aawwisdom

I personally would rather be ignored than sexualized by someone. It’s always made me uncomfortable and depending on the person, the idea of someone thinking about me in a sexual fashion makes my skin crawl. I am more than just this body. I have a mind. I have talents. I have interests. 

Be proud. Wear an ace ring. Get an ace-colored wallpaper for your phone. Bake a cake. Whatever it takes to remind yourself of who you are. 

The point isn’t to advertise your sexuality to everyone around you (although visibility is no bad thing). In fact, you don’t even have to be out--plenty of aceish things, like purple and gray, dragons, black rings, playing cards, and cake are subtle enough symbols that you can use them without suspicion.

Happy Asexual Awareness Week!

You’re the only one who can say if you’re ace. There is no formula for it, and you’re not too young to use labels if you so choose.

If you identify with some part of the ace spectrum and would like to call yourself asexual, don’t feel like you’re not justified in doing so just because you’re not sure whether you might experience sexual attraction sometime in the future. It doesn’t make sense to deny yourself something that might give you a sense of validity or community just because of a distant future possibility. You can call yourself whatever feels best for you at a given moment. Even if that does change in the future, that’s okay, because human sexuality can be fluid, and it doesn’t make you any less asexual now.

On the other hand, don’t feel any pressure to figure things out or label yourself if you’re happy without one.

Some people don’t feel the need for a label, and that’s okay! My friend thinks she probably doesn’t experience much sexual attraction, but for now, she’s questioning. She’s been questioning for years, and it doesn’t bother her at all. Personally, that wasn’t the case; to finally accept myself as ace (and aromantic) after years of internal deliberation and debate was a huge relief. For me, labels are awesome because they make me feel valid and part of a community. But if you don’t like them or just don’t want to figure it out right now, that’s awesome, too.

Ace ≠ lonely

I don’t like the expression “more than friends.” The way I see it, a sexual and/or romantic relationship is not inherently more or better than a platonic one—it’s just different. Never underestimate the value of friends. They’re awesome.

I think it can be especially hard to figure out if you’re on the ace spectrum or not—how can you tell if you don’t experience sexual attraction if you don’t even know what that's like because you haven’t experienced it? Fun fact: This study, which helped me accept myself as ace, found that most people first experience sexual attraction around the age of 10 or 11. (I was 17.) The study’s from the 90s, but I haven’t found anything newer that contradicts it.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection.

Feeling compelled to try relationships is one thing I have never struggled with, but I know a lot of aces have. I, finding it difficult to relate to peers, became instead defiantly proud of the ways in which I was different; I’m sure I was really fun to be around in high school. I’ve cooled down a little since, and found myself happily making friends with people with different habits and values from me, but I still remain true to myself. So, my advice is to be yourself - and also not to limit yourself by creating too rigid a role and outlook for yourself. It’s okay to change. It’s okay to support things for others that you don’t want for yourself. Stay open to possibility. 

The second bit is just a piece of validation that I’ve always found comforting, and the part that I ran across yesterday:

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. 

For me, it’s reassuring to think that, simply by existing, we are valid. We’re a piece of a greater fabric, and even if we sometimes struggle with finding our place, we do have a place. 

So, you’re on the asexual-spectrum.

Congratulations and Welcome! This is an exciting time, and though it might be hard sometimes, just know that you are 100% valid and amazing.

It took me three years of being perpetually single to discover that my singleness was not abnormal. It took me 20 years to understand that what I felt my entire life wasn’t strange or odd. I started identifying last year. This caused great confusion with my mother – who thought I meant I was now lesbian. She still gets confused, but is learning.

Some people take it really well and want to learn, which is great. Some people don’t, and that’s okay too.  

“But you’re dating a guy.” Yes, yes I am. Still not straight.

“You’re just trying to be a special snowflake.” I’m not asexual for attention reasons or to feel like I belong anywhere.

We hear it all the time. We know what people say. Get ready to stand up for yourself. We are not broken, we are not straight, and we are not faking it.

No matter where you stand on the spectrum, you are important, and we are here for you when things get rough. Keep your chin up, and your pride flying.

I know this stuff has been said so many times by so many people but I want to say it myself:

Asexuality is real

It is not made up

It does not have to be the result of trauma

Aceness because of trauma and not because of trauma are both just as valid

Demis and greys are valid

Aces are part of the LGBTQ+ community

Aces who used to not identify as aces are just as ace

If you identified as ace and currently do not, your aceness was not invalid: sexuality can be fluid

Sex-averse aces are cool and still ace

Aces indifferent about sex are cool and still ace

Aces who have sex are cool and still ace

Asexuality is about sexual ATTRACTION not activity

*insert any other ace-positive facts I missed here*

Words of Wisdom day for Asexual Awareness Week! Really, this is more of a reassurance for anyone who identifies as an ace, aro, or demi.

All I’ll tell you is that it’s okay to not experience any/little attraction, be it romantic or sexual.

Okay? It’s okay, diddy dandy, yuppy do okay.

I say this because the day I realized I was asexual, I didn’t know what to think of it. I have a conservative family, and I didn’t think it was okay for me to have no desire for a physical relationship. I thought that I should have a sexual attraction because being sexually active is the norm, but how could I if I don’t feel comfortable about it? How am I supposed to be in order to be accepted, let alone be normal?

That answer is up to you, dear reader. Accept yourself and love yourself for who you are, because only you know what makes up you.

Not having romantic attraction doesn’t make you a careless person, or not having any sexual attraction doesn’t make you incapable of being in a relationship. You don’t need to fall in love or be sexually active or get married and have children to be happy. No, you set the boundaries for what makes you happy.

For me, I never saw myself as having a phase with being asexual because it didn’t feel wrong to me. Just ... normal. Just me, and I was happy before I identified myself as an asexual and I’m still happy now because I grew to love and accept myself.

Once again, it’s okay to be who you are, however you choose to identify yourself. There are others that may belittle you for that and others that simply can’t, let alone refuse to, understand why you identify yourself a certain way, and that’s okay. Just because you’re an ace or an aro, doesn’t mean you’re not valid. And if you haven’t told anyone, that’s okay too. You don’t have to force yourself into a relationship or do anything that would make you uncomfortable to fix yourself, because you were never broken.

You’re the ace in the deck of cards. You’re beautiful and strong the way you are, and know that I’m proud of you for being you.