#aaron hotchner reader

The drive back to my house was silent, and I hated it. I hated it because it reminded me of those early days when I was still so unsure of him, unsure of how he felt about me. I was sure that he despised me. And my eager-to-please personality just couldn’t stand it.

Now that I knew that he liked me, his silence meant something even worse: his disappointment and anger. And I hated the thought of him being even discontented by my behaviour.

“Are you really going to ignore me forever?” The question escaped me before I could process it, making him stop in his tracks as he prepared himself to storm into my house and hide in his own designated wing. But I didn’t regret it once it was out. I much preferred to have him looking at me with fire in his eyes than pretending I didn’t exist at all.

“Isn’t this what you wanted? I mean, you ignored me earlier today, when I asked you not to go out into that crowd. Why shouldn’t I give you the same treatment?” I shifted uncomfortably, not wanting to deal with the realization that he was right, that I had disrespected him.

“I’m sorry.” It felt pathetic, especially since I couldn’t raise my eyes to meet his, but it was all I had, and if anything, it was honest. But when he scoffed, I knew it wouldn’t be enough, and I started to panic as I pondered what else I could do to make him forgive me.

“I don’t want you to be sorry, I want you to listen to me. Why can’t you?” I didn’t know what to answer, but he didn’t seem to need it. He was on a roll now, and I knew it wasn’t the right time, but I found myself getting tongue-tied by the way the veins of his neck jumped out now that he was releasing his anger on me.

“This is my job,” he continued. “I’m supposed to keep you safe. I can’t do that if you don’t listen to what I ask you to do. Do you know what could have happened while you were out there, in a crowd of overexcited, uncoordinated people?”

“Yes.”

“Then why did you do it anyway?” He let himself fall on my couch, jaw still clenched, irritation perfectly clear in each and every one of his movements. And so I took a seat next to him, trying to figure out what I could possibly say to hopefully make this better, but I decided to start by putting a comforting hand on his thigh.

His eyes immediately followed my movement, and he stared at where I touched him for a while before raising his gaze to meet mine again. Anger had been somewhat replaced by hurt, and another sentiment I couldn’t quite identify.

“I don’t want to have to deal with your death. I can’t even bear the thought of that happening.” It was fear, I realized. Fear of losing me. And that feeling was so real, so heavy, so suffocating, that it had my own heart constricting, and I squeezed his thigh so he’d know I felt it too.

“It would be a lot of paperwork,” I tried to lighten the mood, but I knew he heard the unshed tears in my tone. They weren’t tears of fear, but of guilt. I hated that the bravest man I knew was scared, and I hated that I was the cause of it.

“Don’t even joke about that.” There was so much emotion behind his words that he had me raising my gaze to meet his, and what I saw there this time made me lose my breath. “I can’t lose you. And I don’t mean that as in I don’t want to be responsible for your death, but as in I can’t live without you.”

And suddenly I knew. He didn’t have to tell me - he was begging me not to ask him to say it, in fact. I could see that. But I knew. I knew him so well, I didn’t know how I didn’t see it before.

Maybe because I’d been so busy trying to hide my own love for him, I ignored his. It was easier that way, after all. Because it was obvious - the second we knew what the other felt, we would never be able to pretend it wasn’t there anymore.

“Kiss me,” I pleaded, and his eyes widened like he wasn’t expecting it. “Kiss me. Right now.” His eyes dropped to my lips as his opened up like he was actually tempted but just couldn’t find it in himself to do it. I’d leaned over his body now, practically on his lap, when his hands went around my torso to hold me over my lower back.

“I don’t want to kiss you,” he said, making me pout. And still, his eyes never left my lips while he licked his. “I want to knock some sense into you. Can’t be rewarding this kind of behaviour.”

His words thrilled me, sending a jolt of excitement through my body that had me actually throwing my leg on the other side of his lap so I could straddle him properly. His breath was coming out of his mouth now, his gaze undecided between my mouth or my eyes.

“Punish me in other ways,” I pleaded. He looked transfixed by what I was saying. “Make me cum until I cry. Make it hurt. Have me begging you to stop. I want to feel you for days.” He was breathing heavier now, his chest heaving with the effort to keep inhaling and exhaling because of my words.

Hotch’s P.O.V.

“Please, put me in my place.” Her words were like honey, spilling out sweet and tempting from her beautiful lips that were just inches from mine now. I wanted to reach out and touch them. I wanted to reach out and lick them, taste her words as she said them against my mouth. “I’ll be good then. I promise.”

There was only so much a man could take.

“Once I’m done with you...” I warned her, wrapping her nape with my hand and pulling her even closer. “... you won’t be able to walk.” And then I finally kissed her.

It was hungrier than I ever intended our first kiss to be, but she had made me desperate. Her sweetness only added to my need for more. Our lips danced together in a way I’d only dreamed of, and when I had to let us part to breathe, her question took away the last of my control.

“Promise?”

I carried her to her bedroom blindly, relishing in the weight of her in my arms, the feeling of her legs wrapped around my body as I managed to kiss her again the entire way there. Once she was back on her own feet, our clothes were sent flying across the room, her smaller hands trembling in excitement when she reached out to undo the buttons of my shirt.

“God, you’re beautiful,” I commented, cradling her face once her body was completely exposed to me. It prompted her to throw her arms around my neck and pull me down for another kiss, but it still wasn’t enough. I wanted more of her - I wanted all of her.

“Lay down,” I ordered. “You’re not going to succeed in making me forget this is supposed to be a punishment.” The haze of lust in her eyes betrayed just how aroused she was at the idea of suffering in my hands. “Spread that glistening little pussy for me, baby.”

Slowly, because she knew I was not a patient man, she opened her legs to show me just how wet she already was with the little we’d done that evening, her hands squeezing her own breasts as she stared up at me, throat dry and chest heaving with desire for her.

She awakened something dark in me, something I never thought I’d be able to explore. Now that she was here, ready and willing and exposed, I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to just tuck it away again.

Making sure that she was watching me, I leaned over her already wet cunt and spit on it, unwilling to make this situation hurtful to her in any way, but also incapable of actually taking my time to prepare her thoroughly.

“Are you sure you really want this?” I asked, eyes connected to hers as I smeared my spit over her hole, watching her clench around nothing at the ghost of my digit. This was the last chance to back down, and although I wasn’t sure if I would actually be able to pull away if she changed her mind, I knew I needed to hear the answer.

“Yes, oh, God, Aaron, please!” The words were replaced with me pushing into her, groaning at the tightness that welcomed me hungrily. She whined out loud and I froze halfway in, scared I’d hurt her somehow, but at the lack of movement her limbs wrapped around me, her legs pushing my ass in an effort to get me to bottom out inside of her.

Her satisfied moan had me chuckling, even though I was over the moon myself. Old habits die hard, I guess, and I just had to tease her, “Oh, does that feel good?” All she could do was nod, but that was alright. We were both ready for me to start truly fucking her, and at the feeling of me almost pulling out to slam myself in again, she cried out, hands clawing at my back, hopefully leaving indentations.

“You like that, princess?” I’d only ever used the pet name before to mock her, and although there was definitely some sense of jest in my tone, there was still sweetness, wonder, infatuation. She nodded once more, mouth having fallen open after I entered her, leading me to kiss the corner of her lips instead of devouring her in the way I wished to do.

“This is what I’m gonna do every time you disobey me from now on,” I warned, changing the pace to make it harder, almost bruising even. I wanted her to be on the edge between pain and bliss, and I wanted her to forever remember who it was that brought her there.

“You think I don’t hear your moans when you lay on this bed at night and touch yourself?” Her gasp denounced her surprise, and she hid her face in the crook of my neck, holding me tighter.

“You think I don’t close my eyes and imagine it’s me making you moan, giving you pleasure?” That got her to stop hiding, gaze raising to meet mine, and I smiled, brushing the hair off her face as I took it between my hands.

“We won’t have to do that anymore, darling.” Kissing her deeply, I swallowed all of her moans before they could escape her, loving to be this connected to the woman who had stolen my heart.

“You know why?” I pulled away to catch my breath, watching her glossy eyes as she shook her head, unable to speak. “Because you’re mine now, all mine.”

Voicing my deepest desire rekindled my need, making me fuck her harder, spearing her over and over against the bed. I wanted to see the marks of our lovemaking later, the imprints of my nails, the bites all over her skin.

The thought of admiring them in the morning only spurred me on.

“Tell me you need me,” I incited, forehead glued to hers, desperate to hear the words from her own lips. “Tell me you’ll never disobey me again, never put yourself at risk dumbly.”

My voice was thick as I spoke, betraying the emotion I didn’t care to hide anymore. She smiled, hugging me to her and whispered, “worth it,” and how could I be mad?

“Again,” she ordered, and with another powerful thrust, I brought us to a release that was both blinding and revealing of some sentiments I’d struggled way too hard to keep in.

Heavy kissing followed said release. I didn’t want to catch my breath, I wanted to drown in her and this moment, forget about everything else for a while.

“I want you to be the mother of my children.” There it was, the words unspoken I couldn’t take back anymore. And instead of letting the moment fill with regret, I just got out of the bed and went to grab her a glass of water, hoping she’d forget all about it the moment I was back.

“Let’s do it.”

-------

Y/N’s P.O.V.

In the days that passed, I started to become more and more like myself again. I laughed more frequently, I felt more energetic, and it wasn’t long before Aaron decided I could go back to work. 

Seeing Spencer again was nice, but it was undoubtedly weird to try to pretend nothing different was going on between Hotch and I. I mean, I felt like the team had a solid idea of what was happening between us, especially from how firm he was about taking me to his house when I broke down on the jet, but nothing was confirmed yet and I didn’t want it to. It was nice to have something special blossoming and it felt like it was still so intimate and pure, I didn’t want to learn other people’s views about it.

And yet, as I felt myself climb higher and higher from the well I was buried before, I knew it was only a matter of time until I faltered and fell down a few steps. Recovery was something I was used to by now, so relapse was a fact and I was prepared for it. It just didn’t mean that I wasn’t scared or devastated when the itch to hurt myself resurfaced again. 

It happened while we were away on my first case since returning to the BAU. I was being aloof and I knew it, but I insisted that I was okay enough to go out on the field. I wanted to prove to myself and everyone else that I could do this.

Boy, was I wrong.

Despite the fact that my distracted manner ended up putting Spencer’s life in danger, everything turned out okay and the unsub was caught. However, as we got stuck in our hotel for the night, since the jet wouldn’t be able to fly us back until the morning, all I could think about was how badly I had screwed up.

And the worst part was that no one shouted or even appeared to be angry at me. They were making sure to keep their true feelings hidden behind a barrier of fake understanding, so I wouldn’t go back to how I used to be, but the absence of an outlet only made it worse.

I could feel the voices rising again. Mocking me. Reminding me of how I couldn’t do anything right. How everyone probably hated me right now. I was spiraling, and quickly. The itch to scratch myself had already appeared and it was only a matter of time until my nails were bloodied.

But then, a knock resonated through the empty bedroom.

“Are you ok?” The sight of Aaron with those impenetrable eyes was enough to start to calm the waves of self-loathing, but I was still on edge. In all truth, I could barely speak, the embarrassment I felt for my own actions today still coursing through me.

“I’m still waiting for you to start screaming at me,” I admitted in a tiny voice, my arms wrapped tightly around myself. A good part of me was hoping for it, so I was prepared for any demonstration of anger that he could throw my way. “I feel like I should be in trouble.”

“That’s never going to happen.” He stepped into the room, hugging me to him as he closed the door behind us. We stayed like that for a while, him tightly holding me to his body as we slowly swayed in the same place. At least it forced my own hands to stay far away from my body.

“I don’t know if that’s a good thing.” It escaped before I could realise I was even thinking about it. Aaron froze in his spot before carefully pulling away from me, his hands holding my head to look deep into my eyes. I felt myself melting despite my current state. He really did have beautiful eyes.

“What do you mean?” Sighing, I pushed him away gently before sitting down on the mattress, running a hand through my face. My mind was all over the place, making it difficult to focus on finding the right words to describe what I was going through at that moment.

“I’m sorry, Aaron.” The tears started rolling then. It all became too much. My failure at work, the fact that I was letting him down, I didn’t know what to do anymore. I felt lost, and soon enough, that asphyxiating weight settled over my chest, making it difficult for me to breathe.

“Sweetheart, talk to me.” Through the gaps between my fingers, I could see that he had knelt in front of me even before he reached for my hands, holding them so I couldn’t use them to hide anymore.

“I hate myself for what I did today, Aaron. I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve to be in the BAU. God, what if something had happened to Spencer today? I… I have to cut myself, please let me get it out.” I tried to pull my hands from him, my need to scratch myself resurfacing even stronger again, but he held them tightly in his grip, stopping me from doing so.

Aaron’s P.O.V.

As I held onto her hands, I pulled her so she’d look at me again. “Sweetheart, please… Is there anything I could do?” It was so difficult to see the woman I loved like this, reduced to a crying mess, and not being able to help her. My heart physically ached as I held her against my chest, caressing her head in a feeble attempt to calm her down.

“Punish me, Aaron. Yell at me, say you hate me and that I don’t deserve you. Tell me you’re going to kick me out of the team.” Her broken sobs were taking away pieces of my heart little by little. 

“I can’t do that, darling. I’m sorry, it wouldn’t be the truth. You don’t deserve to be punished, sweetheart, you made an honest mistake and everyone is entitled to that. I *love you. I could never hate you for something so silly and if anything, I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you. And our team needs you, Y/N. We weren’t complete until you arrived.” 

Somehow, those didn’t seem like the right words to say. She literally started to tremble in my arms, a scream of agony leaving her lips. “Darling, tell me what I can do to help you, please. I want to help you.” She tried to free her arms to scratch her skin again, but I managed to hold her hands just in time. Suddenly, an idea struck me. An out-of-place reminder of a conversation held in different times, over a bottle of wine. “Alright, you want to be punished, get up.”

My voice hit the same tone it usually did when we were in the bullpen and I needed the team’s attention, so I quickly got hers. She immediately obeyed me, standing up to stare down at me as I remained seated at the edge of her bed. “I want you over my lap, right now.”

If there was any hesitation on my part about what I was doing, it went out of the window the second she threw herself over my legs. I stopped for a second, pondering over what I was about to do. I had never been one for physical punishment on Jack, since I had personal experience on how scarring that experience could be, but I could recognize this was of an entirely different nature. And despite my inexperience with this sort of sexual relationship before, the tightness in my pants warned me that at least a part of me was satisfied with it.

I ran my fingers through Y/N’s hair, appreciating her tiny shiver, a show of desire instead of pain, until I decided it was time to get on with it. Raising my hand in the air, I allowed it to fall over her backside, only strong enough so she could feel it. Y/N’s hands flew to my thigh, holding herself there so she’d be able to take it and I did it again, with more or less the same impact.

“Harder,” came her plea, and I hesitated only for a bit before obeying her request. Her voice hadn’t trembled for the first time in the evening and hearing it resemble her everyday assertiveness didn’t allow me any space to second guess our activities.

My next spank was undoubtedly harder than the last one, and I expected any sort of reaction from my girlfriend, except the broken moan she released after my hand fell over the right cheek of her ass.

Y/N’s P.O.V.

I didn’t have it in me to even feel embarrassed about my instinctive reactions, especially since Aaron was giving me exactly what I needed. I didn’t know how he knew, I couldn’t think in the state I was in, but it had been too long since I had found myself in this type of relationship and I had forgotten how it provided me with exactly what I needed.

“Y-yes!” I couldn’t stop the shout that escaped my throat as he continued to slowly give me harder slaps. Although it was precisely what I had asked for, it still didn’t manage to give me the same effect I would have gotten from feeling it against my skin. That’s what made me suddenly scramble up to look him in the eye again.

“What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” He looked so concerned, his eyebrows furrowed as he stared up at me. I felt myself smiling despite the mess in my mind, just suddenly overcome with gratitude for having such an amazing creature worrying about me.

“Not at all. This is exactly what I need, I don’t know how you knew it.” I held his face between my hands, softly running my thumbs over his cheekbones. “Would you… Would you do something else for me?”

His eyes searched mine quickly before nodding. “Anything.” I had to smile at his devoted tone, so I leaned down to give him a kiss on the forehead before straightening up again and pulling my dress off my body.

His eyes devoured me whole, but he didn’t open his mouth to protest at seeing me only in my underwear again. I think he knew I respected his desire to wait until I was in better condition to have sex, so he must have had a pretty good idea of what I wanted.

With that in mind, I assumed my position over his lap again, enjoying the feeling of his pants against my practically naked body before calling out to him, “More, please.” He hesitated for a bit. I was about to get up and ask him to forget about this, the last thing I wanted was to make him uncomfortable, when suddenly, his hand collided with my backside.

“Is this what you wanted?” His voice sounded dark, and I felt a shiver run through my body as I nodded to his words. “Not good enough, little girl.” His hands pulled on my hair and I whimpered from the surprise and the pleasurable pain. “I’m going to need to hear you say it.”

A wave of hotness flushed down my body and I could feel my panties getting wet from his words. Never, in a million years, did I expect to be in this position, over my boss’s lap, with Aaron practically talking dirty with such an erotic voice. 

“I-I need this,” I finally whimpered, before shifting over his body to adjust my weight, in the hopes of getting some friction between my legs. I hoped I had been discreet, but when I felt my boyfriend’s fingers lightly grazing over my panties on the precise spot I knew would be soaked in a few seconds, I knew I had been caught.

“I can see that.” It was almost funny to hear the smugness in Aaron’s tone, but I couldn’t laugh at that moment. Not when he was pressing the lace of my panties against the emptiness that was throbbing with need, effectively ruining the tissue as it became attached to my pussy lips. “You’re really enjoying yourself, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” I wholeheartedly admitted, trying to force myself not to thrust back into his fingers.

“Hmm…” I could practically *hear his desire, and I thought back on how he had stopped himself from going further with me because he didn’t want to take advantage of me in this state. But it couldn’t really be considered taking advantage if it would help the person in need, right?

“Do you know what would help me even better?” I managed to ask, knowing I had picked up his interest by the way he softly caressed my backside.

“What would that be, little girl?” The nickname ignited every single nerve end on my body, and I had to bite back a moan as he unexpectedly slapped my ass again.

“Y-you, daddy.” I *felt his cock jump up at my own nickname for him and that awarded me another slap, harder than the last one.

“And how do you want your daddy, sweetheart?” My attention had completely abandoned his words as I felt his fingers brush up against me again, slowly pushing the fabric of my underwear aside and caressing my wetness in direct contact for the first time. But then another slap echoed around the room and I gasped, bucking into the fingers that were only barely penetrating me. “Answer me, Y/N.”

“Inside of me, daddy.” A sharp intake of breath was all the warning I got before my panties were being forcibly pushed down to my ankles.

“What won’t daddy do for you, little girl?” He asked just before pushing a single long finger inside of me. I almost cried from how amazing it felt after not being touched for so long, but then a thumb was playing with my tiny pearl and a full-on sob escaped me.

“Please, don’t stop, please!” I begged, pulling on the arm that wasn’t otherwise occupied with me, worried that he’d think he had hurt me. However, the response I got was a soft caress on my head in an attempt to calm me down when he managed to release his arm from my grasp.

“I won’t stop, sweet girl. Relax against your daddy and let him take care of you.” The words were like a balm to the mental cuts I had performed on myself, and my body instantly fell slack against his lap. 

“There you go. *Such a good, little girl.” Each word from his last sentence was punctuated with a sharp thrust of his finger that led me to start moaning - rather loudly, I supposed - like the trembling mess that I was. Suddenly, my underwear was being taken away from me and pressed against my lips. “Open up, princess.” I eagerly obeyed, desperate to continue receiving his touches, which he immediately resumed with a particular tug on my hair.

Aaron’s P.O.V.

“There you go. Can’t have anyone interrupting us now, can we, sweetheart?” It should feel weird how her broken sobs and moans made me grin from ear to ear, but I was too intoxicated by the power I felt to analyze the situation right now. I had wished for a way to help her. Now I had it. It was clear that this was what she needed, and I was more than happy to give it to her.

“You know, I’ve never done this before…” I started, carefully massaging her head with the hand that wasn’t otherwise occupied with her pussy. “I’m surprised by how much I’m enjoying this.” I pulled on Y/N’s hair again, just in time to watch as her eyes rolled back, her orgasm finally catching up to her after I quickened the motions from my fingers. 

“So beautiful,” I absentmindedly whispered as I waited for her to come back to me, not stopping any of my movements, but simply slowing them down. At last, with one final shiver, her body fell limp on my lap and I took my fingers from her with a chuckle at the displeased whine she let out at the emptiness. 

I pulled her up so she would be seated on my lap now, her face carefully enveloped by my hands as I searched her eyes after pulling out her panties from her mouth. “How are you feeling, my love?” It was impossible not to be affected by the way she simply melted against me.

“Better. I’m so much better, Aaron, thank you so much.” She hid her face on the crook of my neck and I felt warm and intoxicated at the same time. I wanted to cuddle her and protect her for the rest of her life, but I also wanted to be tightly snuggled inside of her like nothing else on the planet. The dichotomy of this woman was simply too much.

“You’re welcome, my love.” I continued caressing her hair while hugging her close to me, paying no attention to the fact that she was most likely ruining my pants. After a while, she pushed away from my chest to look me in the eyes again.

“What about you, honey?” I knew what she meant. But despite how aroused I felt, I knew it still wasn’t the right moment, so that’s why I leaned down to give her a sweet kiss, before picking her up and softly laying her on the bed. 

“I’m already okay, darling. Don’t you worry about me.” Despite knowing she understood where I was coming from, she couldn’t help but pout at me, which made me chuckle. “Soon, alright?” I lightly traced her bottom lip with my thumb as she nodded solemnly at me. “Thank you, sweetheart. Do you want me to stay here with you?”

The way her eyes lit up made me feel like the most special man in the world. “Would you do that?” It hurt me that she’d even doubt, for a second, what I would do for her, especially since it was something that I would also benefit from.

“Of course, darling. I’ll stay with you. I won’t be here when you wake up, because we don’t want the team to notice anything, but I’ll stay until you fall asleep.” She watched me with sleepy eyes as I carefully took off my clothes, putting them over the chair so they wouldn’t wrinkle, and then climbed up on the bed next to her, pulling her to me so she’d fall asleep listening to my heartbeat dance for her.

She’d be alright. I’d make sure of it.

-------

Hotch’s P.O.V.

It was already past 4 p.m. when I managed to arrive home and the sight that greeted me, Y/N simply falling asleep in the middle of the kitchen, terrified me to no end. I watched as she fainted in the middle of the room and it felt like the world was coming to a stop as I ran to try to catch her.

The sound of her body falling to the floor and my stuff that I had dropped in my efforts to get to her must have dragged Jack out of his room, because in a minute he was there, watching with big eyes as I slowly rose to my feet with Y/N in my arms. I struggled to open the tap with one hand while still holding her body and threw some water on her face, in an effort to wake her up. It worked, and after a few minutes of carefully shaking her body, she opened her eyes to look at me. 

The relief I felt didn’t last long, as I noticed how glassy they were. They couldn’t focus on me, but she still tried to push herself away and stand on her own two feet, while shaking her head to wake herself up. “I’m okay, I’m okay,” she quickly repeated, but before I could interrupt her and argue that she was anything but okay, Jack’s soft voice resonated through the room.

“Y/N, are you sick?” He asked, and it was clear by how his bottom lip trembled that he was terrified of what he was seeing. Frowning, I turned her around to look at her face and what stared back at me shook my very core. 

There were black circles under her eyes, so dark that it looked like she had been punched. Her skin was almost transparent, and I could see her veins struggling to pump her blood. I felt as if a bucket of ice water had been dropped over me as I quickly recounted the steps her former superior had taught me about what to look for when she was in a state like that.

Moving quickly, I dragged her to the couch, where I also asked Jack to sit while I called his aunt, asking her to take him for the night. After everything was settled with Jessica, I got up to his room and packed his overnight bag, not really stopping to think about what I was doing. I was back in the living room just in time to talk to him before his aunt arrived.

“You’re gonna stay with Aunt Jessica tonight, okay, buddy?” Jack looked at me with tearful eyes that had been hiding on Y/N’s chest before I returned. 

“Is Y/N going to be okay, dad?” I sighed, knowing I hated to lie to my kid, but it was what I needed to do at that moment.

“Of course, buddy. Now kiss her goodnight, I think I hear your aunt pulling into the driveway.” He did precisely that, hugging her tight before reminding her that they’d see each other again tomorrow. She nodded, her own eyes filled with tears as she kissed his forehead before letting him go. 

I accompanied him outside, making sure that he got inside the car before going back to the living room, where Y/N was no longer in sight. I shouted for her name while making my way to the second floor of the house, my feet already taking me where I knew I’d find her. “Open the door, Y/N.” I shouted, knocking on her bathroom’s door. No one answered, but I knew she was there. “C’mon, open the door, Y/N.” Still nothing.

Y/N’s P.O.V.

I moved inside the bathroom, absolutely terrified, trying to come up with a plan that would divert his anger from me once more. I wouldn’t survive being in the receiving end of another screaming match. I barely did the last time. Outside, I could still hear his fists against the wooden door.

“I swear to God, Y/N, I will tear this door down if you don’t open it right now,” he screamed. That woke me up from the paralyzing state I was in and I quickly opened it to find a hauntingly beautiful Hotchner looking down at me. His chest heaved as he stared me down, surprise written all over his features, like he didn’t believe I would actually answer his pleas. There was also fear in there, almost like he was scared of what he would see once I opened the door, but as much as I looked for it, there was no anger. He forcefully made his way inside the bathroom, closing the door as he looked around for something. Not finding anything, he focused his attention back on me and before I could realize what was going on, he was pulling up the dress I was wearing and leaving me only in my undergarments.

“Hotch?” I asked, trembling in fear of what the hell was going on. He must have realized it, because quickly he looked up at me, his eyes begging me for something I couldn’t understand. I nodded once before dropping the hands I had used in an effort to try and cover myself, relaxing as I allowed him to take in my semi-nude body. He didn’t even glance at my breasts, not throwing me a single look of desire, instead crouching in front of me as he softly ran his fingers on my thighs.

I tried to control the tremors that traveled my body as desire rose through me. I couldn’t remember the last time someone had touched me with such care. However, his touch quickly left my thighs to focus on my stomach instead, and just as he had done before, he carefully ran his fingers through the faded scars there. My breath hitched as I realized that he was looking for fresh cuts.

I had flashbacks of nights long ago, when someone else would do the same for me. I had no doubt he had taught Aaron about how to deal with me whenever I got like this. But still, he hadn’t looked at me like that. No one had ever looked at me like that, like they were terrified of losing me.

As the man in front of me realized I didn’t have new cuts, he finally got up, towering over me with unreadable eyes that could swallow me whole. “You didn’t…” He started, but didn’t finish. I shook my head, looking up at him tentatively. 

“Not since I joined the team,” I explained. “You accepted me so easily, despite the weight that I could possibly put on you, that I decided that very first day I wouldn’t do anything that could make your job any more difficult than it already is.” My voice was barely over a whisper, but I knew that he could hear me. We were tightly pressed together in the tiny bathroom. He held my hands firmly in his as he shook his head and I watched in amazement as tears rolled down his eyes. “And then you introduced me to Jack.” I stopped for a bit, trying to gather my breath. He seemed like he was holding his, his attention never wavering as his eyes stared deep into mine. “I loved having the possibility of helping to shape his incredible mind.”

Hotch’s P.O.V.

I was all but trembling as I tried to control the sobs I wanted to let out as she continued to explain herself. “I loved how he reminded me of innocence and pure happiness and I loved being able to be a kid for the few hours I was with him. So I started coming here to stay with him whenever I felt the urge to hurt myself. Because it distracted me. And it reminded me of who I wished to be for him. The example I wanted to set. And it was not of someone who hurt herself.”

By the end of her speech I was full-on crying, like I didn’t remember doing ever since Haley died. I pulled her to me as I fell on the bathroom’s floor, using her to ground myself while I tried to calm down. Fuck. What the fuck had I done to this girl? She was nothing less than an angel, sent from heaven itself to remind me what it felt like to love someone so much that it blinded you, and still, I managed to hurt her.

I felt her fingers running through my short hair as I finally started to calm my breathing. I absentmindedly remembered she was practically naked on my lap, but still that didn’t faze me. Not if she was comfortable in my arms, because I felt comfortable with her in them.

I raised my head to look at her and found her beautiful eyes looking at me with such wonder that it took my breath away again. I didn’t stop to think as I leaned to connect her lips to mine, reveling in the tiny gasp of surprise she let out. Still, she didn’t stop me. Instead, I felt her melt against me, tiny mewls escaping her lips as my tongue slowly made its way inside her mouth.

She tasted like mint and strawberries and I was already addicted.

It took every single bit of control I had to disconnect myself from her lips, trying to gather my thoughts before calling her attention to me. “Y/N,” I whispered her name and she cautiously met my eyes, her bottom lip trapped between her teeth. I leaned down once more only to free it through my own bite, before looking her in the eyes again. 

“Y/N,” I repeated, and the amount of fear I found in her stare reminded me of what I needed to do in that moment. “Baby girl…” at the pet name, she seemed to relax, even if just for a bit. She adjusted herself on my lap, hiding her face in the crook of my neck, and I hugged her to me, not knowing how to approach the subject. 

“I’m sorry,” I finally let out, caressing the skin on her back with my open palms, trying to scare away every goosebump that the cold raised in its touch. “I’m so, so sorry,” I repeated, knowing that I would never be able to actually apologize for what I had said. But I’d be a fool if I didn’t spend the rest of my life trying. “I can’t even begin to explain how wrong I was in every single thing I told you that day, but I had a crappy day, and it was the anniversary of Haley’s death and…”

She pushed away from me and shut my mouth with her tiny hands. “Stop, Aaron,” she pleaded. “I know you’re sorry. I knew what was going on. That’s why I came here in the first place. I wanted to be here for you, in any way you needed. And I may have overstepped some boundaries, I mean, God knows how much time I spend here, but next time, when you need to be alone, just ask me to leave. I promise I won’t be hurt or angry. I promise.”

Shaking my head and bringing her to rest her face on my shoulder again, I tried once more. “No, honey, you didn’t do anything wrong. I wanted you to be here. God, how I wanted you to be here. You have no idea how much happiness you bring me everytime I come home to find you here with Jack, and I’m sure he agrees with me.” I gulped, gathering strength to say what I was frankly ashamed to admit.

“I hope you won’t hate me too much for this, but the truth is that your presence had started to hurt me, because it reminded me of how much I wanted you, but couldn’t have you. Every time I see you, I’m reminded of our kiss. I’m reminded of how much I want to kiss you again.” My hand gently pulled her to look at me and I found my gaze trapped in those luscious lips that had been glued to mine just seconds before. I let my thumb play with her bottom one before continuing. “That’s not even true. I want to do so much more with you, to you. I want to kiss you all over. I want to make sure you never know a bad day in your life, which, considering what we do for a living, is laughable, even. And it just serves to cause me even more stress. Because all I want to do is protect you, Y/N.” She opened her mouth to speak, then, but I cut her off with a shake of my head. “No, just let me finish. Please. I need to say this.”

She closed her mouth, albeit she still looked like she wanted to intervene, turn my thoughts into a lighter shade, like she always did to everyone around her just by being her. I took a deep breath before continuing. “I know that I can’t. As much as I want to, I can’t be around you all the time and I can’t promise to keep the darkness away from you, not even the one inside of your own mind. But, what I’ve come to realize is…” She was crying too, by now, and I couldn’t stop myself from wiping her tears with as much delicacy as I possibly could. “... Is that I can try. And if I allow myself to just try, even if I come to fail, I will save both you and me from this pain that I am causing myself, forcing us apart from each other.” She looked down, avoiding my eyes at this, and I knew that I was right.

I sighed, pulling her to kiss her forehead before connecting hers to mine.

“I’m done, trying to resist you, Y/N Y/L/N. I am yours, body and soul and mental problems that you’re probably all too familiarised with.” That made her release a choked up laugh, which in turn made me smile. God, this woman had my heart. “I love you, Y/N,” I finally finished, itching to touch her, pull her to me, but knowing I had to give her the space to say what was on her mind now, too. 

She was looking at me with a smile that could probably melt the whole of Alaska. Giggling, she pulled me by the collar of my shirt to press her lips on mine again. “I love you too, Aaron Hotchner.”

The feeling that overcame me at hearing these words was something I very rarely had the pleasure of visiting, so I allowed myself to close my eyes, pull her to me once more and just enjoy the beauty of the moment. A few more tears were shed, this time of happiness, and I let myself peck her delicious lips a few more times before finding the strengths to push us out of the floor. 

“You should… You should probably put on some clothes,” I chuckled, scratching the back of my neck at her giggles. She quickly located her dress and pulled it over her head before turning back to me, adjusting her hair. 

“Do I look okay now?” I shook my head.

“You never look okay. You always look beautiful,” I explained, leaning down to kiss her one last time. She smiled sweetly up at me, warming my heart to her yet again. 

“It’s weird how I don’t find it weird to see this side of you,” she stated, already leaving the bathroom, with me hot in her tails.

“What do you mean?” I had a slight idea of what she was referring to, but I wanted to be sure.

“This.” She stopped at the entrance to the kitchen, turning around to stare up at me again. “This version of you. When you allow your sweetness to be seen, your caring side to be felt. At work, anyone who spends enough time with you catches glimpses of it, but I don’t think anyone has truly seen you when you don’t try to hide it anymore.” She was right. I could have laughed, taken by surprise, but the truth was that it wasn’t that unexpected. She really had a way of reading people - that’s what made her such a precious arrival to the team. 

But it was like her abilities were enhanced when it came to me.

“I like this side of you,” she continued as she finally stepped into the kitchen, almost as if she was babbling without really noticing what she was doing. “But I also like the side of you that takes control of any crime scene we step into. Since that’s the one I’m most used with, I wasn’t expecting to be automatically so accustomed to the other one.” 

I couldn’t help but to smile, happy to know she liked both sides of me. “You weren’t?” I asked, approaching her from behind as she perused my counters, pulling her by her hips to collide against me again.

“I… wasn’t,” she admitted, turning her neck to try and meet my eyes. 

It was like I couldn’t control myself anymore. In a second, I had turned her around, hoisting her up on my kitchen counter, our lips connecting once again. That kiss was different from the other ones we had shared until now. 

I was taken away by the pit of fire that had suddenly been lit inside of me, and I needed her, my oxygen, to keep it alive. My lips were eager, kissing her to the point of bruising, but she didn’t seem to mind. In fact, she responded just in kind.

I felt her tongue beg for entrance on my lips and I surprised myself by the wantful moan that resonated from my chest. That only seemed to spur her on, and I felt her press her entire body against me, her legs coming up from behind to hold her against my body.

I welcomed the intrusion into my mouth, shivering as I realized she tasted like peppermint and home. It made its way inside of me until all I wanted was to drown in her warmth, and so I found myself pulling her even closer, like I wanted both of our bodies to become one.

I did.

But then, I felt her against me. Unconsciously or not, she had started to grind her lower body into what I had to admit to have turned into an almost completely hard length. Startled, I pulled away, carefully settling her back to the floor and keeping her away from me by my hands on her shoulders as I tried to recover my breath. 

When I finally felt like I could look at her again and not burst at the sight, I found her looking up at me with a pout in her beautifully plump, red lips. Thankfully, she didn’t look hurt, although I could definitely see disappointment in her features.

Chuckling, I leaned down to deposit a sweet but quick kiss on her lips, still maintaining her at an arm's length. “I don’t want to do it like this. Not when you’re still recovering. I don’t want the memory of our first time to be tainted by the battle you’re still going through,” I explained, softly caressing her cheekbone, making sure she understood what I was saying. Her eyes softened at my words, and she granted me a nod. “Now, let’s go get some food in you.”

-------

Y/N’s P.O.V.

I was already working by the time he arrived in the office, despite the fact that he was usually one of the first ones to arrive. I reminded myself to keep staring at my screen and not give him the satisfaction of knowing he still had some space in my mind, and as he slowly made his way to the office, I was able to forget about his entire existence as I threw myself in the work.

I was gone before he made his way out of his room.

The next day followed pretty much the same pattern, he would pass through me and I would force myself not to look at him until suddenly, I didn’t need to. I was so inside my own head I completely forgot about anything else, trapped inside the walls of my own terrible thoughts.

By the time I realized something was wrong, I was already back home and since I had the next day off, no one would be around to help get me out of here. 

The next morning arrived and I found myself wondering if I had slept through the whole night or had simply spent it looking at the ceiling, watching the shadows move. I had lost complete control over time by then. 

Suddenly, my phone echoed from somewhere in the living room and I found myself getting up from the bed and blindly going through the motions of looking for it, answering the call without even looking at the caller.

“Hello?” I asked, my brain still not catching up to me.

“Y/N? Oh, good, you answered!” It was Reid, I faintly recognized. “We need you to come in! There’s an unsub who’s been terrorizing a town close to here and we might need your abilities to catch him.” 

I didn’t remember agreeing or getting out of the house, but I could see how I was too tired to even explain I wouldn’t be of much help to anyone at the moment. When I got inside the plane, I dropped into the first seat I found, staring out of the window without really realizing that everyone was already there and they were all staring at me as if I had grown two heads.

Time meant nothing to me as we suddenly found ourselves already in the local police precinct. I barely remembered hearing an argument between Aaron and Reid that had resulted in both of them agreeing it was best to leave me there with the genius, and I stared at the wall of evidence without really seeing it. 

If Reid tried to talk to me - or anyone else for that matter - I had absolutely no idea. I couldn’t hear anyone with how far into the hole I had allowed myself to crawl. But suddenly, the smaller part of my brain that seemed to still be worried about other people connected something I must have seen or heard, and I found myself abruptly grabbing Spencer’s forearm while explaining to him who the killer was. In less than thirty minutes, everyone was back on the precinct and we were back on the plane again.

I sat in the same seat as before, still looking out at the window without really seeing when I felt someone sit down next to me, but I was too far away to care.

Hotch’s P.O.V.

We all watched as Spencer carefully wrapped his hands around one of Y/N’s arms and pulled her to him. The speed with which she turned her head to look at him should have given her whiplash, but she simply looked up at him like she couldn’t really see him. Like she wasn’t really there.

Then suddenly, her eyes focused, seeing his concerned ones, and she abruptly curled into herself, crying so hard she was shaking.

If there was anything left of my heart after how I had beaten myself over how I treated her, how I felt as I saw her ignore my existence for two whole days and how it felt to see her in sweatpants and a loose t-shirt for the first time in my life, it broke at the sight before me. The plane had taken flight and yet no one seemed to have realized, everyone simply staring at her with the same concern Reid showed. 

She cried for the entire duration of the flight home, and only as we approached Washington did Reid try to interrupt her. “Y/N,” he shook her gently, his arms still strongly holding her against him. I tried not to focus too much on how hard I wished I could be the one consoling her. “Do you want to come home with me? I don’t think you should be alone right now.”

That silenced her. Her sobs slowly came to an end until only a few single tears were rolling down her face. She shook her head. “No, Spencer, thank you.” Her voice cracked as she spoke in front of me for the first time in three days and I felt like I couldn’t breathe at the sadness that she transpired.

“Okay, I understand that, but can you promise me that you’ll call me if you have the urge to do anything stupid? Please?” No one in the plane was breathing by then. Everyone knew under which conditions Y/N had come to work for us and it was the first time we were experiencing how she was like when depression overcame her. 

Still, the silence continued. She didn’t give him an answer, staring at her own fingers who played with the edge of her shirt.

“Y/N? Please, promise me.” He shook her, trying to get through to her, who suddenly sobbed again.

“I can’t Spence, okay? I just can’t! I can’t promise you I’ll think of you before doing something stupid, I can’t promise you I will want you to intervene if things go bad.” By then, we had landed. However, no one had made a single move towards the exit. I could see Spencer was opening his mouth to argue with her and what he was going to offer we will never know, ‘cause by then, I had seen enough. Laying a hand on top of his shoulder, I silenced him before he spoke.

“That won’t be necessary, Spencer. She will be coming home with me.” My words were said with such authority that not even her had any strength to argue with me. Raising her eyes to look me in the eyes for the first time in forever, I counted a full minute before she softly nodded, quickly climbing out of Spencer’s lap and following me out of the plane.

Y/N’s P.O.V.

I didn’t argue when he offered me his hand to hold as we walked towards his car in the parking lot. I didn’t argue when he pulled up in front of my house and asked me for my keys, so he could pack me some things to bring to his place. I noticed he didn’t leave his own keys inside the car with me, however. Smart boy.

He didn’t try to break the silence as we approached his own place. I could only imagine how beaten I must have looked, my eyes sunken from the lack of sleep and the amount of crying I had done. It felt good, however. It had helped to bring me back to the surface, if only for a little bit.

As he opened the door to the house I thought I would never see again, I was greeted with the scream of my own name and a running child who quickly jumped in my arms. Jack.

I hugged the little guy as strongly as I could without actually hurting him. I could barely understand his excitement as he explained how he wasn’t expecting to see me since his father had said I wouldn’t be coming around for a while.

If I was more like myself, I would have snorted, but as it were, I could simply smile softly at him.

“Well, Y/N’s going to be staying with us for a while now, Jack. So you don’t have to worry about her leaving any time soon.” I felt Aaron’s hand in my shoulder as he gently pushed me further inside the house, before suggesting his son took me to play with his Marvel action figures. “I’ll unpack your things in the guest bedroom,” he said, looking me in the eyes, and I understood that was his way of warning me he would do a full sweep of everything that I could possibly use to hurt myself. 

I let Jack guide me into his room and by the time Aaron came to tell us the pizza had arrived, I had a genuine smile on my face for the first time in a while. Only this little guy could make me start to crawl back up from the well I had hidden so quickly.

I started to realize how smart Aaron was. I mean, I knew he was intelligent and an amazing agent, I worked with him, but it was only when Jack asked if I wasn’t going to eat my pizza that I caught a glimpse of how brilliant his mind truly was.

Of course I couldn’t not eat. Not when Jack was looking up at me with expectant eyes, and not when I knew he wouldn’t want to eat himself if I didn’t eat at least one slice. So I smiled and took a bite off of my pizza. “I’m eating, kiddo. I was just spacing out for a bit, sorry.” He gave me such a bright smile that I felt myself feeling a bit better again, better enough to give Aaron an angry look when Jack wasn’t looking, to which he simply responded with a tight-lipped smile and a look so soft in his eyes that I couldn’t quite understand, but took my breath away nonetheless.

“Why does she get to eat with her hands, dad?” Jack interrupted whatever the hell was going on, and I had to blink twice before understanding what he meant. 

“I don’t know, buddy, ask her why she eats it like that!”

Aaron’s P.O.V.

Seeing her even briefly looking like she usually was warmed my heart in a way I never expected it to. I always loved seeing her interact with Jack, but knowing that her connection to him was so strong that it pulled her from wherever the hell she had hidden inside herself made me feel like I was stupid to think I could ignore our own bond. 

She wiped her hands on the napkin that was on her lap before answering. “Actually, it is bad table manners to eat pizza with a fork and knife,” she explained, and instantly I knew what was coming. 

“Oh, no, son, keep using your utensil,” I warned him, but I was already chuckling.

“But you’re always telling me I have to follow the proper manner, especially while eating,” I nodded, conceding to him that. 

“But we don’t know for a fact that what Y/N is saying is the right way to do it,” I argued, only to be interrupted by the culprit herself.

“Actually, as the only person at this table who has actually gone to Italy, my argument is much stronger than any of yours, right now,” she reminded us, to which I finally shrugged, after smiling down at her. 

“Okay, let’s try this,” I picked up my own slice before jokingly toasting it with Jack’s.

I watched as she softly read Jack’s night time story, my heart clenching at the sight of her leaning down to kiss his forehead after he fell asleep. She quietly left the room, closing the door beside her as she stood in front of me, nervously pushing the curls that were in front of her face out of her vision.

“Okay, I got it. I can go now if you want. I swear I’m better.” I cocked my head to the side, analyzing her. That she was better than she was when she had gotten in this house, that much was obvious, but I couldn’t let her go before I actually knew she was 100% back to normal.

“Let me show you to the guest room,” I took her hand in mine once more, terrified by how cold her fingers felt as I held them, but she didn’t make any movement to separate us or reinforce her desire to go to her own place. I opened the door for her, letting her go in and look around. “If you need anything, I’m right down the hallway, okay? Try to get some sleep.” She nodded, her eyes focused on the edge of her blouse once more. I felt the need to cross the distance between us and kiss her on the forehead, but I refrained. “Good night, Y/N,” I softly whispered before retreating back to my own room.

The morning came quickly and I was excited to spend Saturday with my son and Y/N, hopefully helping her come back to normal quickly, so I could finally have a heart to heart and apologize for what I had said. When I got into the kitchen, she was already there, a full-on feast waiting on the table as she finished flipping pancakes. 

“Did you even sleep?” I joked, but worry quickly clouded my mind as she glanced up at me with a guilty look on her face.

Y/N’s P.O.V.

I was saved from further inquiry as Jack quickly made his way in the kitchen and into his father’s arms, undoubtedly having heard him coming down the stairs. He excitedly shouted about pancakes and activities planned for the day and I took up the opportunity to finish the pancakes, motioning them to sit on the table as I followed suit.

We ate leisurely, comforted by the knowledge that we had the whole day ahead of us, and I made the effort to actually be present in the conversation, behaving in the way I would normally do. I could see that the act, paired with the enormous amount of concealer I had used to hide my eye bags, had actually managed to fool Aaron.

A part of me felt guilty, knowing that he was putting so much effort into helping me and I wasn’t being completely honest with him, but I knew this is what I needed to do. I had to get out of there, so he wouldn’t have to feel burdened by his responsibility towards me, as team leader, anymore.

I was just finishing my cup of coffee when Aaron’s phone resonated through the room, abruptly interrupting the conversation as he sent Jack a guilty smile before standing up to answer it. I tried to distract the kid, but he was already too smart for his own age. Having grown up in the Hotchner household, he knew by now what it meant when his dad’s phone rang on a Saturday.

I didn’t listen to his conversation but when he came back down, he was already dressed to work. Before I could say anything, he explained that there weren’t any cases that needed the team’s attention, but he had been called into a meeting with other team leaders. “I’m sorry, son, I know you were looking forward to spending the day with me.” He leaned down to deposit a kiss on Jack’s forehead before turning to me. “I might be gone through most of the day, these things tend to run far into the evening… Are you sure you can handle everything around here?” I knew what he meant. He wanted to know if he could trust me to be alone. I nodded before assuring him that I would spend the day with Jack and we could do something together later in the evening when he came back, or tomorrow. That seemed to reanimate the little guy while also tranquilizing his father, who nodded at me once, a thankful smile on his face, before turning around and leaving.

I spent most of the day busy trying to be busy. I wanted to occupy Jack so he wouldn’t notice something was off, but I also needed to distract myself, not only from my own dark thoughts but also from the fact that I could very well fall asleep at any time. I was deadly tired, but even after I had put him in bed for an afternoon nap, I couldn’t allow myself to go to sleep. This is what I deserved. I had to deal with these voices, reminding me I didn’t deserve any kindness these people offered me. Especially not Hotch’s, since it was simply him doing what he needed to do, in order to fulfill his duty as a team leader who had been burdened with the responsibility of dealing with an agent’s suicidal past.

That’s what was going through my mind as I stood in the middle of the kitchen, not even noticing how I slowly balanced myself from one leg to the other, my eyes slowly dropping. I didn’t even realize what was happening, only that I suddenly felt much lighter than I previously was, and suddenly, my mind went blank.

-------

Hotch’s P.O.V.

       I heard soft music coming from the kitchen and blindly followed it to see what I was already expecting to find. Y/N was packing up groceries while absentmindedly singing to a Billy Joel song that I distinctly recognized as “Vienna”. The realization that it could very well be about what I could say to her made the pain in my heart even harder to deal with.        “What is this?” I found myself asking, and not even the sight of her jumping up in the air from the scare I gave her woke me from the anger that had now taken over me.        “Hotch, my God, I didn’t see you there… I was just packing up some things I bought… I figured you’d be too busy at work to fill the fridge and Jack made a comment the other day that ripped my heart out, about how it was constantly empty and I just thought… I could help at least a little bit…” She dragged on, babbling about my kid, not even taking notice of the anger I was most certainly exuding. But now it was impossible for her to miss since the mention of Jack’s name and especially the revelation of how he felt about the fact that I didn’t have the time to do normal dad stuff, like buying groceries - and worse of all, that she knew about my failures as a parent - took all reason out of my mind.        “What the fuck do you think you’re doing here?” I asked again, and this time the amount of venom in my words was unmistakable. I closed the refrigerator’s door with much more force than necessary, making her jump yet again, turning around to look at me with a surprised look on her face.        “Putting away… groceries?” She asked, her eyes big as she stared up at me, towering over her. In another mental state - in my normal mental state - I would have thought she looked cute like this, the confused expression on her eyes, her bottom lip in a pout as she tried to understand what was going through my head, but now, the innocence she transpired only served to make me even madder.        “Who are you trying to fool here, Y/N? Let me put it out in the open, so you can’t fake your naiveness around here anymore: you are not Jack’s mom. You will never be Jack’s mom. No amount of effort you put in making yourself needed and present in this house will replace the hole of Haley’s absence.” I watched as she took a long breath, a look of realization finally appearing in her bright eyes.        Still, she didn’t move, simply looked up at me, waiting for me to finish speaking, making me realize for a single second of sanity how absolutely crazy I looked like, yelling at a woman who was silently staring up at me, no reaction on her features.        Instead of shame, the anger rose even higher, blinding me completely.        “And no amount of time you spend here will make me want you. Get this in your head: I will never, ever want you. It doesn’t matter that you buy this fucking wine or that you try to pretend you care about Jack, you’re a fucking kid and I will never dream of fucking you.” That was a lie, of course, and the fact that I had randomly burst all of this out without any context only made the words feel heavier in the space around us. I was suddenly taken back to that night we had kissed against the same counter she was leaning on after I had succumbed to tiredness from a long day of work and found her waiting for me to come home before going to her own place since she didn’t want Jack to be alone. She had spent the entire day with him, despite the fact it was her first and only day off in ages, and for a second, as I looked at her patiently waiting for me with a glass of wine prepared as I burst through the doors, I couldn’t fight my desire for her any longer. For just that second, I allowed myself to kiss her, like I wasn’t her boss, like she wasn’t over twenty years younger than me, like I could have her, own her, and love her like I dreamed about.        As she pushed herself from the counter and walked around it to pick up her bag, leaving the rest of the groceries she had bought on top of the table, I was reminded of how she sweetly gave me one last kiss that night, saying that if I wanted to pursue whatever the hell that was, I knew where to find her the next morning, but she wouldn’t allow myself to do something that I could possibly regret that night. She would wait for me to confirm if it was something I actually wanted, and she wouldn’t say anything if I didn’t go after her the next day.        When we met at the bullpen the next day, I made the effort not to look her in the eyes, and the feeling that had overtaken me as it became clear she had understood the message couldn’t really be described as relief.        Regret was already starting to swallow me when I finally took a deep breath, a breath that brought my usual demeanor back to me. She was obviously waiting for me to do so, as she at last spoke. “I would never dream of trying to replace Jack’s mom and it was never my goal to do so. I simply like his company and it doesn’t hurt that my presence seems to help you a little bit, too. I bought the groceries only because I don’t think any kid should have to feel sad when they want to grab a little snack and they can’t find anything in the house. Both Jack and I know how demanding your job is, so we would never dream of making you feel bad for it, but contrary to him, I can actually do something about it. So I did.”       With that, she turned around to leave, before coming back and going through her purse to look for something. “Here.” It was the key I had given her after the first night I asked her to babysit him. “Oh, and the wine? It really was only because I know how tense you get after a workday, Hotch. If you want to share it with someone else, someone who can make both you and Jack happy, nothing would make me happier.” She turned around to leave once more. “Enjoy your groceries.”        And just like that, she was gone.        The fact that the door wasn’t slammed hurt way more than what I was expecting to receive, but I don’t know where that expectation came from, since not once during that entire speech - or ever before, ever since I knew her - did I see a hint of anger or resentment in her voice.        I stood there, looking emptily at the place she used to be until I heard the sounds of Jack’s and Jessica's arrival. His shout immediately woke me from my dark thoughts, reminding me I had to pretend everything was fine, if only for his sake.

----