#aandey

Is this an illusion? Do I have to wake myself up? It's been a month. A month of feeling more alive than usual. I've expected myself to be the introvert and loner I was prepared to be. I know I'm still this fvcked up kid, but right now I want to actually be better. I still don't like challenges (I actually hate them). But for someone whom I really care about, I know I have to be responsible enough. And today, the chest pains are back. They hurt af. I can't eat well, I can't think well, I can't even get my ass off my bed. I've been sick for weeks now, and it sucks, okay? What in the world is happening? There are a lot of whys and what ifs. I'm being vague, but who cares?

Unanswered questions: But they make me wonder if I’m just not ready to face the truth--or I’m just too messed up to even want to understand.

How needy could I be? I miss talking to the ones who really want to know about my day even if it always goes the same, to the ones who go out of their comfort zones just to be a worthy convo-pursuer even when they really don't have to, to the ones who'll never get tired of my complaints and cowardly decisions in life, to the ones who actually cared... ,but I've pushed them away and although it's mainly my fault, it's not ENTIRELY my fault. If only it'd be that easy to send them a message that could emphasize how much I miss the assurance I get from their weirdly and unusually kind words. Also, that I'm grateful for them accepting me wholeheartedly. I know that I'm not easy to handle, and I'm not sure if I still have anyone whom I could open up to about these feels.

And I mean this literally. My two light bulbs have failed to light up my room. Was my doomed self too much to handle that it has successfully affected the comfy ambiance of my sort-of-safe hideout?