#a:ra

Jack: Yeah, apparently there are high levels of activity near the following landmarks… and that’s Flacko Field, The Old Diamond Campus, the grounds of the Madison school, and Sturge Plaza.

Eugene: If you find yourself near any of these locations, keep quiet, seek shelter, and move quickly away as soon as you’re confident in your ability to do so safely. These are not safe places to be, people.

Jack: Yeah, and that pretty much covers the whole East end of town, too-

Eugene: Yeah, I think there are a lot of “bedroom heroes” on the campus. Thought that they could outlast the end of the world with a… few gallons of bottled water and a Swiss army knife. Now, a few months later, they’re all pouring back out onto the streets and that whole part of the city is a no go-

Jack: See, it makes you kind of hate all those survival horror films, doesn’t it? Giving everyone the idea they’ll be able to survive-

Eugene: Stupid Romero—

Jack: Damn that guy!

Eugene: But hey, it’s not all bad news! Supposedly there are a few new green zones springing up too, so get your maps out.

Jack: Firstly, we want to say a big hello to the folks at Phoenix Comics. Now, they’ve been in touch on the radio to say that they’ve cleared out and secured the entire north and west sides of Hemenstown’s square.

Eugene: We’ve been told that they’ve got  clean water, some of it hot, strong walls, and some serious firepower covering all approach roads-

Jack: Hanging out a great big do not disturb sign there aren’t they?

Eugene: [Laughs] I’d say. They did let us know that peaceful visitors, especially those looking to trade tinned food or medical supplies for hot showers or… other… home comforts… should make themselves known by wearing blue cloth on their heads as they approach.

Jack: Just some good ol’ country courtesy there.

Eugene: You’ve never worn the blue hat?

Jack: Uh, no.

Eugene: Um, my auntie wouldn’t let us in the house without one – she’s very superstitious.

Jack: You are full of it.

Eugene: Listen to the zombie abrading the corpse.

Jack: [Imitating the Major] Now, Mr. Woods, I’ve had a very disturbing report about a case of what we’d once would’ve called domestic abuse. I’m certain I don’t need to remind you my stance on law and order here at Abel.

Eugene: [Laughs] Stop it, that’s uncanny!

Jack: [Imitating the Major] I’ll have you tried in the court if I hear any more of that-

Eugene: [Laughs] –Oh god, it’d be like an afterschool special-

Jack: This week on Days of Our Zombies… [Laughs] Eugene makes a terrible mistake!

Eugene: Yeah, letting you follow me around since the outbreak.

Jack: You should’ve known better!

Eugene: I’m a sucker, what can I say?

Jack: Yeah, you fell for my “I have the only existent copy of Tom Waits discography” shtick.

Eugene: Speaking of which… how about a song?

Jack: [Continued Static] Shh, shh shhh shhhh. Hang- hang on.

[Static Clears]

Jack: Try that?

Eugene: Hello?

Jack: Cool, cool, right, that’s good. 

Eugene: Good. Uh, nice work.

Jack: Thanks. Uh, shall we?

Eugene: Oh! Yeah, uh, okay! Um.

[Both Clear Their Throats]

Eugene: Welcome listeners. If you’re out there. I’m Eugene and that other voice you are hearing is my partner, Jack. 

Jack: Hello.

Eugene: We’re, uh, we’re, we’re here at Abel Township and I guess, uh, well, I guess you’re listening to our first broadcast. 

Jack: Welcome, welcome. Uh, it’s taken us a while to get all the equipment together, but here we are, and we’ll be broadcasting as often as we can on this frequency pending our grisly demise.

Eugene: It’s a constant threat-

Jack: Obviously.

Eugene: Obviously. Uh, but until then, we’ll be playing you whatever music we can rustle up.

Jack: Well, I’ve got a few thousand tracks here as long as this solar charger keeps working.

Eugene: Thank you, Steve Jobs. 

Jack: Indeed.

Eugene: So we’ll be bringing you whatever music we can, along with important news and notices from Abel and the surrounding area. 

Jack: Everything you need to know to make your life safer, and marginally less miserable.

Eugene: Wow. Soften the blow, why don’t you.

Jack: [Laughs] Shut up. No one’ll be listening yet,   anyway, except for Sam!

Eugene: Hi Sam! Hope we’re coming through loud and clear!