#a narrative

I pretended to sleep a lot. Darling always loved touch, so I gave him permission to brush my hair when I sleep. I love it when he does it. Because it shows the true self that is him.

He stuffs down his desires to be around me. He lies all the time, telling me he's satisfied when I know he's not. He loves to look me in the eye and say he does not need more, but does.

I wonder why he even stays with me.

I cant love him in a way he wished too. I cant help him in the morning with his problems. I can't sate that want of making love any time. I am stuck in this life of not helping him. I wish I could.

Because he has never pushed me, ever, when he found out I was unpleased with the love he wished for.

He takes time to tell me I am fine for not wanting it. But I remeber the sad look on his face. All the times he looked at me with something else and immediately looked away to not make me uncomfortable.

How do I contribute to this love when I cant even meet him at a halfway point like every other person?

I mean, I still can't believe some people sleep in the same bed after a year of dating. It took us three before I got even comfortable to talk about things like that. I am told im not in the wrong, but sometimes, I know I hurt him. I know when I look at lower half abdomen with no feeling other than unwanted, it hurts him.

I have to tell him I do think he looks good. I do have to tell him he is good enough when being with me. I still don't understand why he would think hes not. If anything it would be me. Most people look at him with this want that I know he has to me.

Out of the millions of people who feel the exact thing as him, he choose one who didn't because he wanted a romantic love first.

I still remember the days he would cry when drunk, that he thinks I truly don't like his looks. I still think of the days he wishes to be near me even if he also wishes to sate this underlying lust.

We do not bathe together. I have only even seen him in boxers and thats only recently. Even at that, I try to avoid his body unclothed. Yet, he tries to steal every glance he is permitted to have. He looks at my body and thinks, "I wish to cradle the art that is mine to please."

I don't understand, and maybe one day I will, but maybe I won't. All that I know is that I feel like I fail him everyday even when he tells me I did not.

I want him to be happy.

I don't want to wake up and turn over to nothing.

I want to be a happy couple.

I wish I was everything he wants and I know he wishes the same.

Thats why we try to make it work.

Thats why we have nothing that can ever relate to sex in the house. Thats why I don't interact or purposely talk to people anti-sexual love.

Why do we do this?

Because we understand we feel different things, but it means just as much to one person as it does to another.

https://youtu.be/aVhfjRbKpIw

One of those days I had this awful dream that dbz was about some message Akira Toriyama was trying to get out, but the English subbers + dubbers were told to change the show around. And I swear to you.

I spent the next week watching episodes trying to decipher the real meaning behind the series.

It was wild lol....

Jack Ryans

It was 1966 in Germany. A boy, only sixteen months old and named Jack, was playing on the second story balcony. His mother wasn’t watching him. Barbara had two other children at the time, one a newborn. Jack’s older sister, Lilly, was playing dolls in the house. Jack was playing with a ball. It rolled off, and he went after it. He plummeted thirteen feet from the balcony, hitting his head. 

Lilly saw and screamed for her mother. Jack was taken to the hospital, he lived, but not without brain damage. Fortunately it only left him with a learning disability. The incident put strain on Jack’s parent’s relationship. His father, Jack sr., blamed Barbara for not preventing it. Soon after the family moved back to Arizona where Jack would spend most of his childhood. There was also another addition, his name was Tony. 

Jack had two teachers that he actually liked… In second grade he had Ms. Jackolette. She was kind, never calling him names like most of the kids would. She also encouraged him to go to his resource classes to get help with his reading. 

In sixth grade Jack had Mr. Daletory… “Every mor-ning Pa... took-” Jack read from the textbook, struggling with the words.

“Dang that guy is stupid.” A kid snickered.

“his gun, and his tr-aps... and was gone a-all day in the Big Woods, set-ting the sm-all tr-aps for must rots, no, musk-rats-” Jack continued, trying to not let the kid get to him.

“Yeah, he can’t even read right.” That made the whole class laugh. Jack was enraged, he was putting forth a lot of effort. Out of rage and frustration he flipped the desk. “That’s enough, it’s not as if you fools can read much better. Jack, why don’t you go outside and cool down for a bit,” Mr. Daletory proclaimed.

Weeks later Mr. Daletory brought in plywood for the kids to make flower boxes to sell as a fundraiser. With the money they went to the Grand Canyon. 

When Jack wasn’t struggling to make sense of what the teachers were saying in school, he mowed the neighbors’ lawns. Right after school you could find him delivering newspapers on his paper route. In his free time he would play with his siblings…

“But I wanted to be a cowboy this time,” Tony complained glaring at his older brothers.

“You’re the youngest so you have to play as an Indian,” Shawn explained.

“Lilly is playing as an Indian and she isn’t complaining,” Jack mentioned. 

“But she’s weird,” Tony exclaimed. 

“I am not, I just like pretending to be Sacagawea,” Lilly said. 

The four of them would play like this until dinner, chasing each other. There was also plenty of name calling.   A few years later they moved to California where Jack would spend the rest of his teen years, and eventually his adulthood. Jack’s mom Barbara also remarried while in California. Pat helped focus Jack’s mechanical knowledge into a career. 

When Jack moved to the Antelope valley he met Delilah. It was in algebra class. They didn't start dating right away. Eventually they got married. They put off the wedding once, but eventually decided that there would be no perfect time, so they set a date and went with it. The wedding took place in Las Vegas; family and friends attended.

Roughly two years later Jack and Delilah had their first kid, a boy named after his father. That was one of three of Jack’s favorite memories.  They went to Seaworld, Mexico, and Lego Land as family vacations. There was something missing, and about ten years after Jack jr. was born the family had another addition. Her name was Lynne. This was another of Jack’s favorite memories. Four years after her birth there was a surprise, as it had taken so long to conceive their second child they had thought it would be impossible to have a third. This surprise was named Kenneth, but given the nickname Kenny. 

In about 2006 Jack became a manager at Northrop Grumman. This made more luxuries available for the family.

In 2013 Jack became a grandfather, or grump-pa rather. Luna looked a lot like her father Jack jr. In 2014 the family took a trip to Mt. Rushmore. Jack and Delilah took turns driving there. Jack was glad to see the monument with his family. On the way back to California, they stopped in Washington to meet up with Jack’s father. This was Lynne’s second time meeting him, and Kenny's first. At the bowling alley Jack and his father talked about nothing in particular. Jack sr. gave the kids quarters to play some of the old arcade games. Jack was quite amused with his daughter. 

  Two years later Jack took his family to Alabama for his sister-in-law’s surprise birthday party. The drive to the airport made him extremely anxious. On the plane he humored his daughter by posing for selfies, and trying to get Kenny to join in. The drive from the airport to the hotel was long and confusing. The GPS took them the backstreet way, and in comparison to the AV’s simple grid, Alabama was baffling. 

The green was his favorite part. Alabama had so much vegetation compared to California. 

October, hunting season was in full swing. Jack waits, hoping a deer will cross his path. He’s fifty-one now, his oldest son married, his daughter in her junior year of high school, his youngest still in middle school. Jack stopped talking to his siblings; their lifestyles clashed with his. He was the most successful out of them. Jack hopes his children will become even more successful than him. Despite the challenges he had faced, and the problems that may arise, he has to say he’s happy with how his life has turned out.

I found this really cool website with not only African folktales but also folktales from all over the world. I still want to focus on working with an African folktale. I read some stories from Nigeria and Tanzania but the problem is that the stories are really long. It’s going to be difficult to illustrate. I got inspired to make my own story about this African Mother Nature goddess who comes to rescue to help the people who suffer from the dry seasons. Everything she touches will start growing into plants and flowers.