I Want to Exist in the Past Tense || Jarlene
She had been thinking about it for a while, ever since she lost the baby really. Ever since she even found out about the damn thing, but only seriously since it was all published in that damn gossip column. How could losing something you never even wanted hurt so much? She had gone to bed the nights before thinking about the options, wishing it would all just go away. She hadn't wanted the baby. But that night as she lay there she could really do this. She had imagined it all, feeling the baby in her arms. She wondered if she and Sirius would name it after a star, if they would fall in love. She had smiled at the thought, she had imagined him playing with a little baby girl with big blue eyes and black hair. He would be a good father.Â
When she had woken up there was pain, not much but the ache was there, in her stomach but she had barely thought anything of the ache until she had noticed the blood. There was so much blood. She hadn't expected to cry, but she sat there sobbing and holding her stomach, unable to draw a single breath, her whole body shaking as she wrapped her arms around her stomach, as if somehow it would hold her together.Â
It had taken her two weeks to tell James anything, it hurt to much to say the damn words. She just wanted to be okay again, to have her child back and to be able to have that promise of a life again, that promise of being loved. She wanted a home.Â
She was used to not being wanted. She didn't always expect more. It had been the same most of her life, men wanting her for a night and her leaving first thing in the morning, or more often as soon as the fuck was over. She didn't care, it worked for her. Feelings weren't her thing, but no one ever wanted her to stay, with the exception of James, and now even he had moved on. She was happy for him, he was getting what he had wanted. This wasn't his fault. Marlene prayed he would know that.
She couldn't even keep her own child with her. Everyone moved on, everyone left, but she was stuck in this moment, this solitude. She didn't deserve any better.Â
She was so tired. She could feel her eyes getting heavier. It was an odd sensation she decided, bleeding out. It had only hurt when she first slit her wrists, now there was just a dull ache, one that was entirely manageable, one that she could understand. She had lived with it for so long.Â
Marlene was aware of the blood soaking through her trousers, she could feel it on her skin. She didn't mind, it wasn't like she would be would ever be wearing them again. It was odd to think these would be her last moments, her last few breaths, but she didn't mind much. She wasn't really afraid in the end.Â
It wasn't very poetic to die in an empty classroom, hardly a pretty place to go, but there was no where better for her, there was no lovely place. She had considered the Black Lake but the chance of being found before it was too late was great that the appeal of the blue sky was hardly worth it. She could see it faintly through the dirty window anyway.Â
The only thing that bothered her was the cold. She could feel the ice filling her veins, making her weak. It spread through her small figure bit by bit, infecting each inch of her, growing in intensity. She wished something could be done about it, but it was too late for that.Â
When Marlene McKinnon's eyes closed she was humming the Beatles, and imagining arms wrapped around her, someone stroking her hair. The identity of the person comforting her changed with time. It was on occasion Lily, more often it was the elder Black boy, his voice soft in her ear, his warmth seeping into her but in those last few moments it was of course James Potter. She had lived every moment by his side and so it only made sense that in her last few it was him she longed for.
