Firewhiskey Princess

James didn’t mean to even blurt out what he had and he moved to hug her back. “I was selfish. I left and forgot to give him his potion and he had a heart attack and then she had one when he died, and they were all alone. I was out with some stupid bird, probably getting blown or something stupid like that and I wasn’t there. So yeah, it is my fault. I have no one to go home to for the holidays. Sirius didn’t deserve to lose another family. It’s all my fault.”  He nodded.  ”Works for me. I don’t like talking about any of this. I mean, I told Lily and she listens about it but I still don’t say much.” He sighed. “I don’t mean to say you haven’t been through a lot too, but it’s just, we’ve got to find a way to not focus on the pain in our lives.” 

Marlene shook her head and sighed slightly hugging him a bit tighter, an act made a bit dangerous by her dress and heels as she leaned her head on his shoulder. "You made a mistake James, you loved them and they knew it, and they loved you." She murmured, closing her eyes, the mention of Sirius losing another family making her glad she was letting go of him, so he could be happy. He deserved that. "They weren't alone, they had each other." Marlene pulled back a bit, and looked up at him. "You have to let go of the pain, just like I do or else it will eat us alive."

Rage boiled within her, threatening to destroy her resolve, but she couldn't let it. She couldn't lose it because if she did she would say more than she was ready to, she would make a mess when she wanted to clean one up. Closing her eyes Marlene drew a deep breath. It did nothing of course, she still wanted to rip something to shreds, preferably the man before her. Marlene yanked her wrist out of his hands, because it was easier if he didn't touch her, it was easier to keep the balance. "So, what Black? We keep going round and round? We can't even do that now, not with you and Grace and me and Caradoc. We can't fight, we can't fuck, hell we can't even dance without problems. You don't get to pull me back, not when you want me to walk away. And that is what you want right? It's what's good for you. I get comfort from you, I get fun, and I get a bit of sanity in how wild we are together but you just get fucked up! I'm not the one you should want, I'm the wrong girl! I'm the bloody wrong girl."

He knew that he wasn’t being nice and he didn’t know why he wasn’t being nice, other than the fact that he missed when she didn’t give him shit for his bad decisions. Sirius was just as big of an idiot as James was and yet, James felt like it was him that always seemed to be the one that people came down on.  He also hadn’t meant to think about all the shit with his parents. He didn’t talk about it, not to anyone.  Sometimes he talked to Lily about it but it wasn’t often. He just couldn’t talk to anyone about any of it. It was too damn hard.  He nodded. “You can always hug me. I didn’t tell anyone, you know. I just self destructed and you weren’t caught up in your pain. It’s just, I need my best friends. I mean, I am doing better. I’m doing a lot better. Lily helps a lot. She listens and I’m happy but I just, I can’t deal with the constant thinking life sucks. Everyone goes through shit, but you choose to move on. People find things that make them happy and it’s important not to take those things that make them happy away. Lily makes me happy, Grace makes Sirius happy. If you’d let Caradoc, I’m sure he could make you happy too.”

Marlene was hurting, but James was right, she needed to stop being selfish. She needed to focus on her friends, because she wasn't the only damn person going through shit, and James, her best friend had been suffering so greatly without her even seeing. She stepped forward and lopped her arms slowly around his neck, pulling him close and hugging him tight. "I'm here, Potter. I haven't been, not in the way I should, but I'm here now. Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault, maybe you made a mistake, but the only way it would be your fault was is you wanted them dead, or killed them with your own hand, and that didn't happen." She sighed and shook her head closing her eyes for a moment. She didn't want to think about Black, she wanted to focus on James right now. "Let's not talk about Sirius and Caradoc and that mess. I don't want to, and I'll clean it up myself soon."

"I never wanted to see that and if you think that I did, you’re an idiot.  How about you are not a Marauder? You will never be a Marauder and you can go off on me all you want for it, but all you prove by giving me shit about it is how much we don’t fit anymore. I have been through plenty this year. My parents are fucking dead because of me! You asked me that night this summer if I wanted to talk about it and I said no. So don’t tell me what I put myself through. You don’t know and maybe I’m just realizing that Lily is the only person who really understands me. A year ago, you wouldn’t be giving me shit right now. A year ago, you would have been my best friend. But now, you’re so busy not being happy with your own life that you don’t do anything, except eye fuck Sirius, who clearly has moved on and you need to let him do so. Don’t ruin this for him. You want to be miserable, fine. But don’t bring him down with you, Marlene. He’s better off now." He didn’t snap at her often but he pushed his pain down enough, so when people couldn’t learn to be happy in theirs, it set him off.

She listened to his words and each was like a stab through her body. James was a lot of things, but she never put him down as cruel and that's all she saw now, but even then as he drilled into her she heard those eight words and that out weighed the pain he caused her, the torture she felt. She stated at him and shook her head closing her eyes. Then she opened them again and drew a deep breath, pushing down every ounce of the pain that was eating her alive. She needed to help him, that's what mattered. "James, I want to hug you, I want to, tell me it's okay if I do. I'm not going to touch you until you say I can, but I want to be there for you, okay? I didn't know about them, and I understand why you didn't tell me. I've been selfish, wrapped up in myself and I didn't see, but I see now, let me help."

Do you ever just get really tired of thinking about all the pain? Have you ever thought you’d feel better if you didn’t dwell on it all the time, Marlene? All you do is think about what you lost, but you don’t think about what you do have in your life. You have friends that care about you and good things in your life and you act like you have the worst life ever.  I’m not sorry for proving what I know, that I ‘m better than they are and you want to talk about being scared? Try seeing the person you love with a burning passion that fucking consumes me on the floor dead. So don’t talk to me about pain. 

Why? What makes it so bad? People turned into their costumes. So fucking what. I don’t see the big deal, really. Did it ruin your perfect date? Is that what this is about? You thought you were a nurse, big deal. My girlfriend was dead….

My... No, James this isn't about Caradoc. I'm mad because I didn't remember any of it. I didn't remember losing the baby, I didn't remember that I'm going to have to go home to my father and wait for him to get drunk and hurt me, I didn't remember losing the man I lo- cared about, I didn't remember slitting my own god damn writs. I had christmas memories with a family who cared, and I didn't know I was broken, and then it all came crashing back. You know the one thing I always had going for me? I didn't know what it was like to have a better life, I didn't know anything different.

Of course she couldn't have just let him leave, to let him walk away from her and calm down before he said something he'd regret - this was Marlene. Sirius groaned as he was pulled back against her, closer than he probably should have been but he didn't move away, just staring down at her as she started to shout at him. She looked hot when she was angry, but Sirius couldn't even focus on that with how mad he was at her. "What do you want me to say Marlene, huh? Do you want me to tell you that I care about you? That you fucking telling me about being intimate with him pissed me off? And that I was jealous seeing you actually happy with that other bloke? Okay, it's all fucking true. But this was not supposed to happen, and it was not my fucking fault that the curse rebounded. I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry that it fucked up your entire evening with him." He almost spat out his final word in his rant and he just looked down at her once he was finished, wondering how this argument was going to continue.

Marlene stared up at him, caught between too many urges, too many emotions, most of which she couldn't even place. He was handsome, but she just wanted to slap him, and then, if she was being honest with herself kiss him so hard that the only possible out come involved scratches down his back, and bite marks, but she wouldn't let herself think that. She couldn't admit she still wanted him. She couldn't think straight. "Why the hell couldn't you just say all of that in the first fucking place? Why not just admit it and then I could have just said okay and told you you're a fucking prat, smiled at you and walked away? But you and your fucking pride got us into another god damn fight, another fucking mess. I'm sorry I threw him in your face okay? I'm sorry I want to hate Grace with everything I have even though I can't and I'm sorry that I can't just be over you!" She shoved her hands against his chest, fire burning in her blue eyes. "I can't deal with you." Drawing a deep breath she shook her head and turned away, intending to leave.

You know, you used to back us up. What changed?

[Marlene sighed and ran her hands through her hair.] I'm angry at you, really angry but that doesn't mean I wont defend you to everyone else. You know I will, but damn it James, this is really bad.

As he turned something snapped in her and she reached out, grabbing his wrist and pulling him back towards her, close, too close, much closer than she'd meant to. "How am I supposed to deal with this Black? How the hell do I handle any of it? You promised not to fucking lie to me any more and you are, you are lying. I know you care, and I'm so sick of you saying you don't. I hate you for not letting me forget you for even one night, and I hate you even more because it's not your fault." She let go of him and took a step back, running her hands through her blonde curls. She didn't know what to say or do, she had pushed too far just like she always did.

But outdoing their stupidity. Calm yourself. 

So you proved you were smarter by being bigger fucking idiots than they are? Brilliant James. Bloody brilliant.