#90dayldrchallenge

Day 34: What are some negative impacts you feel distance has made on your relationship?

Everything is on hold until he comes back, if I want to continue seeing him as much as I do, (a long weekend every 6-8 weeks).

I feel low most of the time, over analyse every single action or non-action, and I cry...a lot. I resent his decision more and more the longer he’s away, and although I understand his reason for going, I can’t understand his reasons for staying away as long as he plans to.

He has become slightly closed and insular, maybe even self absorbed. Nothing is as important to him as being there.

Oh gosh, I regret not realizing sooner that the feelings I had for @bakapetto1410 were romantic. I haven’t always been the best at distinguishing these feelings and the moment that I let myself identify the feelings at romantic it all made so much more sense. But yeah, I don’t know if I would’ve made a move or not cause when it comes to my love life I’m very insecure cause I always felt like I was missing those instincts that everyone else seemed to just innately have. Turns out pretty much everybody doesn’t really know what they’re doing so it’s okay. It’s just such a Jackie move to let love in in the most difficult time possible but the thought of possibly saying no to Jenn when she told me her feelings never really crossed my mind. Cause there always is going to be something, there’s a quote from one of my favorite guilty pleasure movies, Elizabethtown, “If it wasn’t this then it would be something else.” so like stop making excuses as if they actually had any influence in getting what you want. I’m the queen at finding excuses except when I’m not and like there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that I wanted to be with Jenn the moment I realized it. It’s just tough when I miss her so much and the time in between visits just seems so eternal. I think about the times when we were friends and the moments where I felt that Jenn was special, that I wanted to be her friend for my whole life, and then there would be another feeling. I think about what it would’ve been like if I had just asked her. If I hadn’t been so afraid of needing her. If I hadn’t been making so many excuses for myself. I always forget about that saying “if it wasn’t this, it would be something else” I should really write it down somewhere.

@bakapetto1410 and I have very long phone calls sometimes haha I mean, I feel that they are the extension for our car talks which were also very long. I would get into so much trouble with my mom cause I would text her saying that I was on my way home and then I would stay another two hours in the car with Jenn, just talking. Now our calls last on average like six hours? I’m not really sure because our calls always cut out at the four hour mark, I think it’s my phone that has a limit on calls that if they go on for more than four hours it cuts it. But it’s a running joke now that every time our calls cut out that we hung up on each other. I do love calling Jenn and talking to her, we literally talk about anything and everything.

This is a heavy one. I’m generally a fearful person even though I don’t outwardly show it, so there are a lot of things that I’m scared of but I think it all boils down to my fear of taking space or not giving enough. Which is sort of a vicious cycle because I’m afraid of taking space so I distance myself but that means that I’m not giving enough to the relationship so I lean in but then my fear of taking space gets activated and so on a so forth. I’m working on it though, I am so cognizant that if I don’t express what I want of how I’m feeling then my whole life is just going to be stuck in that cycle and that’s no way of actually living. It also gets in the way of me doing things that I love. Like being @bakapetto1410 girlfriend. Which is the best thing, and when I’m with her the fears just melt away and any doubts I have about my personality or my physical form aren’t a priority anymore. I feel like I’m a whole person and not parts of a machine that have to be maintained and controlled individually in order to be a “functioning human”. That’s why it is so fucking scary when parts of myself, that aren’t the nicest or the most palatable, bubble up without me having the foresight to stop it and I get this feeling that Jenn has “seen” me or caught me in a lie, or I guess in a truth. 

I think my fear is upsetting the balance that is needed in a relationship. They say that love is never having to say you’re sorry and I think that is true in that you should unabashedly be yourself with your partner and in turn they have the freedom to truly be themselves without having to apologize for it. It’s scary and it’s intimate this process of giving the good parts and the bad parts of yourself and just trusting that your partner will keep them both and see you completely. I honestly thought I would never get there with anyone.

So both @bakapetto1410 and I are HUGE movie buffs, which makes this question really hard. We both have very different individual favorite movies, strong opinions and all, but we both seem to enjoy Guillermo Del Toro movies. She showed me this weird Japanese movie called Fish Story that had turned into one of my favorites. I think the thing that we most like to see together is stand-up. I don’t know if that’s considered a movie but it seems to be a happy medium between our tastes. Some of my favorite memories of us watching things together is us watching Kyle Kinane’s stand-up special on Comedy Central. She has recorded it and we would watch it non stop. He has a bit about pistachios and it tickled me so that I inadvertedly revealed my secret obsession of pistachios.

This is a tough one.

It’s sometimes really hard for me to see any positive aspect to being so far away from the person I love the most. Yet we must persist. I guess the distance has really made me, more like forced me, to articulate what I really want. I mean in a non ld relationship the people in them can’t read minds much less in a ldr one. So there’s that, I’m usually not great at saying what I really want in the first place so the fact that @bakapetto1410 is so far away has really pushed me to do that. On the other hand another interesting perk of being in an ldr is that you get to really curate what you say to the other person or like really make the most of the times spent together. Idk I feel that I had an epiphany about this question a couple of weeks ago and I forgot to write it down so that thought is out there in the ether now.