#9.8.2018

Some fabulous fan art from Alexa Bliss’s Instagram.

August 9, 2018 - Day 51

Life is weird. 

I feel like that has been said a million times and more. I feel like I have said that a million times and more. But look at it, we are a scary amount of people on this world and we are all so far apart. But then we have the internet & phones, that makes us believe that we are really near each other where in reality we could never meet. We are so far away from each other, I mean, most people don’t even travel much in their life, but yet, apparently, we are not even content with that & are venturing out into space and shit. Like, Jesus, is there ever going to be a point where humans will actually say: “ok, thanks, but that’s enough now”. 

Or is that what makes life what it is? Or that makes us human? That we never settle but always have to explore and develop. It scares me, it annoys me but it mostly fascinates me. What is our purpose? Do we even have one? Is the purpose to find your own purpose individually? What if our purpose in life is something really different & we are all trying to be individual (or not, y’know, communism) but that’s not at all what we are supposed to do? 

But would it really matter? Would we know after death? Would we just never know, thinking we do know what’s good for us, doing that with full confidence or despairing over finding a meaning to our life, that can be so simple and can seem so pointless but can so quickly turn so complicated, confusing and destructive. But look at the bigger picture and all of our problems are so incredibly minor. 

We have so much detail in our lives that it scares me. Like, why is it really important whether I like a movie, that will only be relevant for like a year at its maximum? It’s not like my opinion will change anything. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind that. I actually like that we are all somewhat insignificant. That we could all disappear right now and not much damage would be done. It’s somehow reassuring, makes me not worry about things for too long. But it does make me wonder a lot. 

Why do we all have our individual thoughts? Why? It just doesn’t make sense to me. Or what if we actually just all have very similar thoughts all the time? But that wouldn’t make sense, because the world is just full of people that are just too simple for me. (I mean that in every way as condescending as it sounds like.) Like their minds don’t at all work like mine. I don’t think that I have ever met anyone that had a mind that worked even similar to mine. Sure, some strands of thoughts would be similar, some ways of thinking were learned the same way. But the SAME? I don’t even think that’s possible. 

Or what if it is but I or we keep telling ourselves that we are individual because we crave the idea to be special and to be different from everyone else? And actually, we are all really, really similar? But I don’t mean bullshit like “we all crave love” at the bottom of everything. What if we are all essentially the same and then we just have to be different? But again, that’s just not true because we have non-individualistic societies and people aren’t the same. 

We are never the same. 

But what’s the point? And what if there is no point? Is this just it? Are we just supposed to do whatever we want? Is that why our societies have such strict rules? That we can’t just do whatever we want? Because we wouldn’t be able to cope with that responsibility? Or at least most people wouldn’t. Life would just continue, no matter what I do. 

I think that’s what scares me, that there will never be that “wake up” moment, or that moment of realization that characters in movies or books have, where they figure out the whole system and time stands still and they take a deep breath and suddenly they are in a different reality or place or whatever. But that won’t happen here. 

For all we know it, there is only our timeline, sure, physics say whatever, but no one has actually ever seen a parallel universe or a parallel timeline or if, they won’t talk about it. Whether I take one or two deep breaths right now, whether I decide to end my life now or make the decision to live forever, it will not change a thing. Sure, maybe it will change my immediate surroundings, but again, in the big picture it will literally not even be a speck of dust. 

But you know, what scares me a lot? No matter how much I think I’m an individual and special, I can promise you, that someone else has thought these thoughts before me. A million years of time before me bring with it an infinite amount of thoughts that were there before me. Sure, no one will have known life my way, but they will have thought in similar ways. Me sitting here, writing down those thoughts, that’s not special. 

But the ironic thing is that I still do it, hoping that I am special even though I know I am not. Isn’t that funny and sad. What is that urge to feel special? It’s so inappropriate at times. It makes you so incredibly biased, it drives me crazy. Biased towards yourself. 

Also, what’s up with the thing that all of us apparently have to, you know, carry their package. But then there’s me. Sure, I got stuff to deal with but it’s nothing, nothing compared to what others have to cope with. Am I still before that? Do I have my big thing still coming? Or does it all have to do with how well you can cope with things? Or with how you were raised or something? Like actually, what the fuck. Why? It’s unfair. I mean, I am not complaining. Not at all. But it still isn’t fair towards all those that have to go through their shit. 

See, and that again defeats that stuff about us just being here without a cause, because why would some people then have things like a genetic disadvantage or like a mental disability. It’s not like they chose that. Someone decided that they should have it and now they have to cope with that. Why? Or is it really just that I have gone through some shit that others wouldn’t have coped with the same way. But that doesn’t make sense because, well, I coped with it that way and I’m fine. 

Urgh, life is weird. 

And so weirdly beautiful in all it’s complication. We don’t even know why but it’s there and it’s fucking beautiful. 

Also, can someone please explain to me that fucking urge to find a person that understands me &, you know, love? Like, sure, reproduction and shit but you can’t tell me that that’s the only reason that I am craving someone to share exactly all of this bullshit with and that will actually have similar thoughts and discuss with me and not just have their own opinion. Does that have to do with the whole “feeling special” thing? Like, I want to be super special but I also just don’t want to be alone? 

But is the thought of being alone really so scary? Not really, sure, at first, but to be honest, as long as I am able to share my thoughts with myself & reflect myself and have people I like enough to actually have discussions like this with, I’m good. Sure, someone like me would be nice but if now, oh well, big deal. But then why does my mind crave someone? 

It literally only causes disappointment, because all I do is realize that people are not like me.

26 minutes at bedtime

The longer each breath pauses, the stranger the subconscious behaves. The calm pauses in breathing are definitely connected to the subconscious mind. Likewise, the conscious mind is definitely influenced by the moving breath. You can find both these for yourself in meditation.

The calmly waiting mind is happy to be entertained. The subconscious entertains by weaving dreams out of memories. The longer the pause in the breath, the stranger are the dream like images. That’s a distraction. That’s the colourful obstacle that I have to get over.

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