#9.16.2020

You know those thoughts? The ones that always kind of pop up at the most inopportune times? The ones that are loud and consistent, set on being heard? The same ones that you always want to share with those that you love? Well, i have those often. My mind never seems to shut off and it seems that most of the time, there’s a steady trickle of thoughts reserved for each of you. 

I created this blog so that I can document these thoughts for you, so that maybe one day each of you can see how often and how lovingly I thought of each of you. 

I don’t know how much longer I will have, so by the time you find this there’s no telling how many of these letters there will be. I can tell you that at this moment, it is a slow and mellow mannered summer evening. I am sitting beside the window in the kitchen in my mother’s trailer. The sun is just beginning to slip its way beneath the horizon for its several hours of slumber. This sunset doesn’t look like it will be one worth trying to preserve the memory of. That said, I feel it important to mention my mental state at this point as well. I am depressed. The idea of dying seems to be more and more enticing by the day. Yet, I know that I have a bit more time left, even if I don’t much care for it. On the bright side, that means I have more time with each of you when life seems to permit it, not that she seems to be very permitting these days. 

All things considered, I hope that by whatever means I am taken away, that you can find your peace with it. If by my own hand, I know it will be hard, but I hope one day you will find the means to forgive me. If by circumstances out of our control, I hope that you can forgive whoever or whatever it was. I hope that should you need healing that it comes to you swiftly. I hope that each of you can find comfort in one another. Nothing would make me happier than to see the people I love most find a way to love one another. I hope that your love for one another is somewhat reminiscent of the love I had for you. I hope you find comfort where you least suspect it and that you feel my presence when you need it most. I hope this plays some role in whatever healing you may need. 

I will do my best to keep letters balanced, and I will have a navigation post of sorts so that all of the letters will be sorted and so that people can find their letters easily. Additionally, each letter will be tagged with who its addressed for such as “#For Alivia” (you’re sitting right here, and I just told you about this, hopefully it’s been a while since then.) Or more generally you’ll see “#For My Loved Ones.” It will also be tagged with a date. 

There will be an array of posts such as letters, songs or playlists, or just things that remind me of you. I hope they make you laugh or smile or that they explain things or answer questions. Whatever you find here, I hope it’s always what you need. 

I do ask that you try to refrain from reading things meant specifically for others. I do anticipate that some things will be meant solely for specific eyes, and if you could respect them as well as myself by reading only what’s general or addressed to you, that would mean a lot to me. 

Lastly, if you happen to be the only person to come across this blog, I ask that you look at the “Master list” and read through the names with letters. You’ll likely know exactly who they are, so I will not be using last names, and if a last name is ever needed, then I will only use the first initial of the last name. You should be able to take it from there. I believe in you wholeheartedly. I know this might be a lot to ask, but if you can manage this, it would be greatly appreciated. 

With an abundance of undying love,