#8bbclips

Caldwell: You can take a-- take a stab at it, and if you don't know how to solve the puzzle, we will roll a dice. Murph, what's our-- Murph: I'll say the same thing I say to everyone who sees my dick, is: "just 'cause it's curved doesn't mean it's not just as long as a straight one." [Caldwell laughs.] Emily: A is-- A is definitely longer! Caldwell: Murph, you've got a zig-zag dick. Murph: She knows. She knows. Emily: (seriously) I've seen my husband's dick so many times, I cannot even begin. [Murph laughs.] Caldwell: Alright. Well, you know, like, ducks have corkscrew penisis, Murph just got like a zig-zag dick. Emily: Yeah. Caldwell: Um, so are we going with A, or shall we roll? Emily: It's like a nice, friendly curve. [Everyone laughs.] Murph: Everyone just has a little fun! Caldwell: Yeah, just like, slightly parabolic. Um-- Emily: (laughs) Um, I think it's A. A is definitely longer.

Murph: (reading) "Imagine that you are Sonic. What would you do? Do you think that he would ignore the rumbling, roll over, and go back to sleep--" Don't even fucking think about picking that one. [Caldwell and Emily laugh.] Murph: "If you do, turn to section 233"

Caldwell, reading: Behind her, a sultry troubled voice offers a reply. (Adam Driver voice) "I know, right?" [Emily and Murph cackle. Caldwell laughs, too.] Caldwell: (Adam Driver voice) "So unprofessional." (continues reading) Emily turns to find the owner of this husky tenor. And finds herself face to face with famous Hollywood actor Adam Driver. [Murph cackles. Emily laughs.] Murph: Caldwell! This is so goddamn good! Caldwell, laughing: On each of his legs si-- on each of his legs sits a huge bearded dragon wearing a tiny tuxedo. [Emily squeals with laughter.] Murph: You're gonna make her cry again! Caldwell: We should be livestreaming this. Murph: I know, this is-- Emily: How do you--?! Murph: Her reaction is insane. Caldwell: Murph can you please get some video if you don't mind, sir. Emily: Murph, how do you know when I'm about to cry? I feel like every time that the tears start to come to my eyes, you're like "Emily's gonna cry." [Caldwell laughs.] Murph: (laughs) Cause we're married! Caldwell: It's part of the deal! Emily: Yeah, I look great, I'm beautiful. I-- Murph: I agree. Caldwell, reading: On each of his legs sits a huge bearded dragon wearing a tiny tuxedo.

Caldwell, reading: The opera house impresario rushes out and informs the audience that the actress playing Maria has locked herself in her dressing room and is refusing to come out! Murph, delighted: Emily you're gonna be in the freaking opera! Caldwell, reading: Emily is distraught. [Murph cackles] Caldwell: (laughs) Emily's face! She's about to-- Murph, laughing: Emily, are you gonna cry? Emily's crying! (cackles) Emily! [Caldwell and Murph laughing. Emily occasionally squeaks with laughter.] Caldwell: She's so wet! Murph: Caldwell, you broke her! Caldwell: Oh no! Murph, laughing: This is the nicest thing anyone's ever done. She's crying. Caldwell: (laughs) She's literally crying! [Caldwell and Murph laugh. A few seconds of silence, then they laugh harder.] Caldwell, distraught: Emily! Emily, weakly: … go on. (laughs) Caldwell: It took me an hour! Murph: This… Emily: I'm ready! I'm ready! Caldwell: Emily is distraught. Literally. In real life. She's come all this way just to have her dreams dashed. What should she do?

[8bbc theme fades out] Caldwell: Uh-- I'm ready to start the show whenever you are, daddy! [Murph laughs] Emily: (accented) Daddy! I want to start the show! Murph: Ohhh, welcome to 8-bit book club, the only book club that makes you dumber! I'm Brian Murphy joined as always by my life slash comedy partner Emily Axford. Emily: Kamehameha! [Caldwell laughs] Murph: That has nothing to do with what we're doing today! [Emily laughs.] We're doing a Mario book and you're just shouting things from Dragon Ball Z? And now you're just laughing and you're just out of commission? And, um, why not, the Krillin to my Goku, Caldwell Tanner. [Emily and Caldwell laugh. Emily continues wordlessly laughing in the background as Murph and Caldwell talk.] Caldwell: I had a whole thing about Koopas ready and you fuckin' threw it off! Murph, laughing: Yeah, the whole thing's thrown off. We… Caldwell: We're already off the path. Murph: We're already off the path! Emily's been so weird the past few days, I was just telling Caldwell about how she's been prankin' me. By-- (laughs) She went to Starbucks the other day, I asked her to get me a large iced coffee, she insisted she was only gonna get me a small iced coffee. And then, Emily, do you wanna tell everyone the prank that you did when you came back? Emily: Okay. Then I-- Caldwell: Yeah, tell them the excellent goof that you pulled. Murph: Yeah, the good switcheroo! Emily: Okay, here's the good switcheroo! [Caldwell laughs.] I came back and I said-- "I know you wanted a large, I wanted to get you a small, so I split the difference and I got you a venti… straw." And I gave him a small iced coffee but with the biggest straw there. [Caldwell laughs] Murph: Yeah, so… it was… Emily: Did it look pretty silly as I was walking home from? Yeah! I think everyone probably saw me and was like "that girl's going to goof!" Murph: It was-- it was pretty silly, it was definitely a harmless goof, and yet it was-- um-- she ultimately did me a favor that I didn't wanna say thank you for. You know what I mean? Caldwell: Right. Right, cause you didn't-- it didn't keep you up? It was the right sized coffee that you needed? Murph: Well, no, it was nice thing for her to pick me up a coffee when she was out, but then she owned me when she came home. [Emily laughs] For no reason! Caldwell: Did the barista ask-- were they like-- "Well, I don't understand, you don't have a venti drink." Did you have to explain that you were taking your husband to goof town? Emily: Um, no. I would have said those words exactly if they had asked, but actually it's sort of a self service station for straws there at Starbucks. Caldwell: Oh, right. Emily: So I was using the Starbucks self-service straw station. Caldwell: They probably get a lot of people picking up those venti straws for like, crafts and stuff. They're very sturdy. Emily: Oh, yeah. You could also make a gorge necklace out of them! Murph: Yeah, you could make a good straw cabin out of that! Caldwell: Mhm. A straw-bridge. Murph: What the fuck are we talking about? [Emily and Caldwell laugh] Um, we-- wuh. Man, I can't even talk.

Murph: We were just having a discussion about the tan M&M. [Emily laughs] That, of course, was replaced by the blue M&M-- Caldwell: Right. Murph: Uh, in the 90's. Emily: Mmm. That ca-- (breaks off laughing) Murph (laughing): And Emily was talking about how it tasted more caramel-y. Caldwell: Here's a question. Do you guys think that the-- Murph: Which is a lie. Emily (laughing): So creamy and caramel-y! Murph: Which is-- which is objectively incorrect. Like, we all know that's a placebo effect! Also, also you were eight years old! Emily: I-- uh, probably more like three. Caldwell: I wish-- Emily: It was my first M&M I ever ate. I guarantee-- (laughs) Murph: It was-- you don't remember the first M&M you ever ate! Emily: I remember the first time-- Caldwell: Oh, everyone remembers! Emily (through increasing laughter): --I put a creamy, caramel-y tan M&M-- Murph (laughing): It wasn't-- it's not caramel! They're all milk chocolate! They're all the same thing! Emily: Then why are they different colors?

Murph, reading deadpan: "Fwoosh! A beam of light shot across the shaft--" Emily: No! That's a great onomatopoeia, give it the credit it deserves! Caldwell: Yeah. Give me that other fwoosh. Murph, pathetically: fwoosh. [Caldwell laughs.] Emily: (laughing) No-o-oh! Try again! Caldwell: Take three on that fwoosh! Murph, dispassionately: ffffff-wooshhh. Emily: No! Do I have to kick you in the nuts to get a good fwoosh? [Caldwell laughs.] Murph, dramatically: Fwoosh! Caldwell: There you go! Emily: Yeah!! Now that's a good-- nothing but fwoosh! Caldwell: Fwoosh is loosh! Murph: "A beam of--" Emily: The fwoosh is loose! Caldwell: You swooshed that floosh! Murph: "A be--" Emily: You gotta swoosh that fwoosh and let it loose! [Caldwell laughs.] Emily: Let that fwoosh loose! Murph: "A beam of light shot across the shaft. 'Yikes!', said Grimace--"

[8BBC theme fades out] Murph: Welcome to 8-bit book club, the only book club that makes you dumber. I'm Brian Murphy, joined as always by my life slash comedy partner Emily Axford. [Silence. Caldwell laughs.] Murph: Emily just… snorted and is now covering her face. [Emily hisses faintly.] Caldwell: Much like-- Murph: Was-- [incredulous] were you just trying to roar?? Did you just whisper roar????