#7cupsoftea

*7Cups censors swear words in messages

I don't remember the listener's name, this was over two years ago, but I remember that she was rated five stars.

7cupsoftea (7cups.com) is not a reliable website, the volunteers on it are not adequately trained or supervised, and I don't advise it. It is unsafe for listeners and members (people seeking help) alike.

7cups offers ways to contact therapists, and I've never used that feature, so I can't comment.

I used to volunteer at 7cups, both as a teen and as an adult. Training can be completed in one day. There is (last I checked) no supervision period. Listeners are encouraged to keep checking in with people they've spoken to previously, which sounds like a good support model, until you're 17-19 years old and feel responsible for a situation you are not equipped to manage.

It's hard to talk about this, by the way, because I do not begrudge that person and I would do it the same way again. Parting was weird and bad as I made an abrupt exit from the site, and I love(d) them, and I'm not sure if I'd want to excise that part of my life unless it means they get better help sooner. I still need to make the rest of this post about how the site shouldn't exist in its current form.

Since then, I volunteered at a different crisis support line, and (while it had its own problems) was supervised and supported by more experienced listeners for months before I was in a position to lead other new listeners. It made me realize how laughably bad 7cups training is.

As an adult, I went back to find someone to vent to myself, and the listener with whom I connected immediately told me (in words smothered in empathy, blink-and-you'd-miss-the-problem) that my friends aren't supporting me, I can't trust my friends and family, and that I should be their friend instead. I hadn't said anything about my family or friends.

I laughed in their face and told them exactly how they were abusing his position of social power in this space, but that's only because I am almost comically not vulnerable to that kind of common and effective manipulation. As it happened, I felt super supported. But they brought it up because they're aware that many people looking for anonymous help don't have many other people to listen to them.

Last I checked, the volunteer listener half of the site has only decreased in quality since I left it. There were some experiences there I was grateful for, but that later experience made it clear to me that this place was built in a way that makes abuses of power extremely easy, and made me reflect on how easily I could have done them myself had I been so inclined.

tl;dr

The core goals of 7cupsoftea were good. I'm willing to bet that extremely unethical move that listener made, telling me I should be their friend, was probably even not intended to be manipulation, though it was (and needs to be not given any slack every time, because one time, it will be someone who means to do abuse).

But encouraging listeners to follow up with people they had helped in the past sets up a bad situation for listeners and members alike. Training is insufficient. Supervision is either insufficient or nonexistent, I can't remember. Listeners can come to other listeners for support, but most are also unequipped for that position. Rules are easy to ignore.

Please use the Crisis Text Line (not sure if I have firsthand experience with this one) or Lifeline Chat (which I CAN recommend firsthand).

If you prefer speaking out loud, but are not suicidal, calling the National Suicide Hotline and saying "I am not suicidal, but I really need a number to call for a lower-level crisis, do you know of any broader crisis lines I can call?" worked well for me when I needed it.

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Closing note:

you might feel sad or empty

depressed or lonely or anxious

inherently lost or shut out or angry or exhausted...

these things are okay.

they don’t feel okay but they are.

you don’t feel like you can open up, like your problems aren’t worth the burden, but somebody will listen

if you can make it through today, 24 hours,1440 minutes, then you can make it through this.

i know it sounds stupid, and i know you don’t want to hear how “it will pass” but it does.

make tea, take a bath, go on a walk to the largest body of water you can find and scream, or throw rocks. 

take care of yourself, because there is only one you

you are one in a universe, i know it seems small, but you are a star, shining out among billions and billions

people would notice if you left, you can’t leave.

those people who saw you on the street, or in a hallway or a coffee shop and thought how you looked sad or trustworthy or beautiful or how you had nice hair, they’d notice.

you are important, your scars make you remarkable. your eyes hold secrets that only you know. your nose and fingers and your beautiful, ramshackle mind are so amazing, they are exceptional.

your body, beaten and broken and more beautiful than it was before is yours,and nobody can tell you otherwise.

the way you walk, and think, and speak when you’ve drunk too much, and the way you yawn, and spread mayonnaise on bread, and rub your eyes, and glance up when something catches your eye are all extraordinary.

please, please don’t leave us. don’t leave me.

We are like gold

Valued

when we are given value

But what gives us value?

For me

it's you

I think I would rather die

than have you look at me

like I am worth less

than dirt

But I guess

it's too late

for that

— I'm sorry