#7.9.17

i am so quick to blanch from it, to slide the best 'no thank you' into the slot and watch it rattle its way down to settle in its place. i use it so often i learn how to mould it; how to say it politely and kindly, with no disdain or annoyance, the light hint of friendliness coating it at all times. i learn how to conceal the uncomfortable prickle of fear curling in my stomach, until i find i have constructed entire walls of excuses, structures of bricks on which to lay each argument, each reasoned explanation. if i squint hard enough, all i see are towers of safety. the mortar of glowing, shifting fear melts out of view. i simply sit in my castle, letting the refusals slip from my tongue, stronger each time.