thinking about randy figuring out sexuality because of benson.
he literally had never considered the fact that heās not straight before. nobody had ever asked him his preferences, and he didnāt really see himself in the stereotypical, overly flamboyant and colorful gay people heād tend to see in movies and stuff online. his mom had always asked him about girls and girlfriends and future wives, so he just assumed he was straight.
then benson asked him, āyou gay?ā, and suddenly he had a lot of questioning to do.
it obviously wasnāt just that, but that did get him to start thinking.
he never really had a crush on a girl before. he had lisa, but now that heās thought about itā¦ he just felt like he shouldāve liked lisa. she was sweet, pretty, they had somewhat similar tastes in music and such so he tried dating her. no, his unprocessed trauma and undiagnosed OCD didnāt help keep their relationship afloat, but also not realizing you didnāt feel any romantic feelings towards your own girlfriend didnāt help whatsoever either.
he had no idea what romantic feelings or attraction felt likeā¦ and then benson came along.
he was HOT. finally, randy could put a word to it (even if the guyās dead now). every time randy had a shift with him, he couldnāt take his eyes off of benson. in his head, he just assumed he thought benson was super cool and admirable. but in reality, heād shiver any time the older man touched him, heād get nervous and sweaty any time the other looked at him, and he always felt the need to try and do something interesting or cool or anything not embarrassing (like knocking a full bottle of ketchup on the floor, which meant benson (the janitor, or at least the one who tended to clean) had to clean it up). and the cherry on top, his cheeks flushed and his stomach got all jittery and fluttery when benson would say something nice to him. benson told him āgood jobā once and he rode off that high for months.
and now, looking back at the one day they had together, after benson killed all those people and then himself, he realizes he had a crush on him. even during āthe incidentā, his feelings still lingered, and even grew stronger after all the touching and as-sweet-as-benson-can-be talks. he still feels them now, alongside a shit ton of guilt for essentially getting him killed (or allowing him to kill himself via cop). he still wishes he go to talk to him before he left the building.
but now, heās comfortable in his sexuality. he might have a hard time finding guys that are willing to put up with his intense OCD and still-lingering crush on a crazy guy that killed 3 people just for bullying him (how are they supposed to compete with that loyalty?), but at least he knows heās gay.
