#67 x reader

you pad across the floor in mismatched socks... one black, and one with tiny soccer balls saebyeok stole from the team’s secret santa last year... and find her curled under the blanket you bought on sale three winters ago when she first joined the sirens.

sae-byeok's short hair is a mess, sticking up like she fought the pillow in her sleep and lost.

the sight punches you in the chest, because for the first time in years, christmas doesn’t feel like a countdown to january loneliness.

you used to dread this break since teammates would scatter back to their homes or home countries to visit family and friends.

for example, jiyeong would go to jeju to be with her loud cousins (her words), usagi to her mom’s home In tokyo, noeul dragging half the defense to incheon to visit her daughter.

you’d stay behind, claiming “recovery training'' or ''scouting footage for the new year,'' but really it was because you didn't care for this holiday. you never tried to since this time of the year reminded you of everything you've never had.

the last christmas card you got was a generic ''merry holidays'' from a distant aunt in canada, postmarked two years late.

you’d eat cup noodles in your home, watch the same three movies on loop for all two weeks, and tell yourself it was fine.

soccer was enough, and the pitch didn’t leave.

keep in mind, sae-byeok has been in your life for years but has not became your girlfriend until recently. during your lonely breaks saebyeok was living the same way.

the woman's family lived in north korea, and she has tried her hardest to use extra soccer funds to pay brokers but things have not worked out. the last time she has heard, her younger brother was somewhere in china.

she doesn’t talk about it, but you’ve pieced it together from the way she flinches at fireworks, how she hoards rice like it might vanish sometimes and why she takes soccer nutrition more seriously than everyone else.

last year, she spent the break in a hotel near the training ground, eating convenience store kimbap and texting you at 3 am about nothing, unaware that she could've stayed with you if she'd asked.

you’d reply to her messages back then with memes, pretending you weren’t both rotting in your separate silences since you were only friends at the time.

now, you crouch beside the couch, brushing hair from her face as she stirs. a few seconds go by before her eyes open. they're dark, then soften when they land on you.

''morning,'' she rasps, voice rough with sleep.

''merry almost-christmas,'' you say, because it’s december 23 and you’re trying.

she snorts, sitting up, blanket pooling around her waist.

''you’re too cheerful..... it’s suspicious.''

you shrug, heading to the kitchenette.

"'blame the tree.'' it’s a sad thing which is four feet tall, and plastic, bought at the mart for 8,000 won. you strung it with the fairy lights usagi left behind last year and a single ornament... a tiny soccer ball saebyeok painted red last night while you burned the first batch of cookies.

she follows, leaning against the counter as you boil water for coffee.

the silence is soft, like the snow covering the city outside.

sae-byeok's gaze drifts to the window as you're making coffee for two, where seoul glitters with holiday lights and the stereotypical christmas city.

the korean's jaw clenches, ''my mom used to make songpyeon,'' she says suddenly, voice small, ''before. she’d hide coins in them. said it was for luck.''

sae-byeok's fingers twist the hem of her hoodie... yours, actually, stolen weeks ago, ''i haven’t had one since i was thirteen.''

your chest aches as you hear her start to speak, already so down in the early morning.

you set the kettle down, stepping close as you wrap your arms around her from behind. sae-byeok relaxes as you rest your head o her shoulder, ''we can try. i’ve got rice flour. youtube exists.''

she laughs but lowly, ''you’d burn the apartment down.''

''worth it.''

sae-byeok turns her head to look at you, and you look into her eyes before her tears come silently... tracking down her cheeks like she’s ashamed of them.

you pull her in without thinking, arms tightened around her waist and you turn her so her face can be buried in your neck.

she’s shaking, small sounds muffled against your skin.

''i hate this,'' she whispers, ''I hate that i miss them even though I try to forget about them.... I hate that they’re gone and i’m here and it’s still not enough.''

you hold tighter, ''it’s enough for us.''

she pulls back, eyes red.

''you don’t get it, y/n. your parents... they’re alive. they just… didn’t want you. mine didn’t have a choice.''

the words slice deep, you almost would've taken offense by it if she was not right and it was not something you didn't accept years ago.

shit, your parents did not even come to your siren FC signing from your home country.

a lump forms in your throat, ''i get lonely,'' you say, ''and I understand you, sae. i get waking up on christmas morning and checking my phone for nothing. i get eating alone so many times i stopped tasting food. but sae—'' you cup her face with your thumbs wiping her tears, ''you’re here, and thriving the rest of the year... that’s not nothing.''

she leans into your touch and her eyes flutter shut trying to heighten the softness in your touch, ''i don’t know how to do this.....''

''and we’ll figure it out together.''

the day unfolds slowly since sae-byeok stopped crying sometime after eight am.

you attempt songpyeon with her bu the dough sticks to everything, and the coins were lost in the steamer. saebyeok laughs until she cries again when you drop one on the floor and it rolls under the fridge.

you order chicken instead, eat it cross-legged on the living room floor as the tiny tree blinks in red and green from behind you.

all day was spent basically doing nothing, so at nighttime now you’re on the couch now, with her head in your lap and of course some old movie plays where everyone has a perfect family.

she’s quiet, with her fingers tracing the scar on your knee.

''when i was little,'' she says, ''we had this game. my brother and i would hide under the table during new year’s. pretend the world couldn’t find us.'' her voice cracks.

you still, looking forward at the television so you didn't make her cry again like earlier.

she’s never said her brother's name, you don’t ask.

instead, you thread your fingers through hers as she seeks comfort in you, ''yeah... i used to hide in the locker room after games. if i stayed late enough, the janitor would lock up and i wouldn’t have to go home to an empty apartment.''

she turns, pressing her face to your stomach, ''we’re fucked up.''

''yeah.'' you stroke her hair, ''but we’re here.''

at midnight, you exchange gifts.

sae-byeok's first gift to you was more of an inside joke, which was a keychain shaped like a defender’s shield, engraved with seoul’s secretary of defense.

you got sae-byeok a photo of you both from last month’s match, mid-celebration after her goal, with your arms around her waist.

you fall asleep tangled together with her breath warm on your collarbone. outside, snow starts again... covering the city in quiet.

inside, the tree flickers and your television is on but nearly muted.

for the first time, christmas doesn’t feel like exile from the soccer world.

you wake to saebyeok watching you, eyes soft.

''merry christmas,'' she whispers.

you smile, "merry christmas, icebreaker.''

she kisses you then... slowly and deeply as her tongue starts to meet yours.

so... there was no more hiding under tables and no more empty christmas mornings.

not anymore.