#659am

Sunrise at Margate City Beach, April 4, 2024, 6:59 a.m. by the bridge https://www.flickr.com/photos/80502454@N00/53633097262

views outside my apartment window.

Something I haven't done in a really long time is write without boundaries. It's like I'm afraid something bad will happen if I tell my whole truth. But maybe I need to. The truth is I cry nearly every night because I'm constantly afraid of screwing things up with people. Because I am so god damn afraid of being abandoned like I've been time and time again. You would think by now I'd be used to it but I'm not. I'm afraid that I've messed things up with the person that I love more than anything in the world. That it took me too long to figure my shit out. I got confused and I thought I was falling for a guy but honestly I think I was just falling for the attention I was getting. Because it never felt the same with my new found best friend as it did with the guy I'm really in love with. It got to a point where I was actually made uncomfortable by the attention the more I realized it wasn't him. Not only did I unintentionally string my best friend along but the love of my life doesn't trust my heart. Despite saying time and time again he'd be with me again right then and there. I just took too long and the second I said it was him and that it had always been him. Everything changed. God I'm such a fuck up. To add onto that said best friend is moving on. He's going on a date with some girl to the  fair. And I am jealous not because I want to be with him. No. It's because my stupid selfish bitch ass is afraid that he's going to fall in love with said other girl and I'm going to once again be spending day after day lonely as hell like I had been starting the day after I graduated because I didnt actually have hardly any friends outside of school.  I can't go back to that. I can't.  I can't. No amount of shopping apps and YouTube videos and shows to binge on Netflix and Hulu can fill the hole in my heart that would be there if I can't fix my love life and keep my friends. I am so hopeless.  All I want is to disappear. That's all I want. If I could disappear then none of this would matter. I wouldnt hurt or feel any of the pain anymore. Why can't I disappear? God I hate myself. A problem with myself I have is while I feel selfish and not good enough, I also feel like all this trying I do is pointless because I'm not recieving equal amounts of trying. I always lived by the "Treat others the way you want to be treated" rule. So I put so much effort in trying to be a good friend. I even communicate with other friends to plan things out such as school clothes things. Or if I'm worried I ask around to see if people know where abouts of the friend I'm worried about. And no I don't do those thing strictly because I expect some kind of reward. Making my friends happy makes me happy. Making sure my friends are okay relieves me. But the thing is that shit literally never happens to me. And I fight with myself on this constantly. "Why don't people do these things for me?" "Well because obviously you don't deserve it." "But I put all this effort into doing similar things for them." "Yeah but you're annoying. You're too loud. You do things even tho people tell you not to time after time again. You find it hard to apologize when you realize stuff like that. You can't focus worth shit. You're too fucking slow. You're lazy. You're bad with money. You were shit in school and even if you get the chance to go to college you will probably be shit there too. You're just a stupid meth baby who doesn't know when to shut the fuck up and struggles not to cut themselves when theyre depressed." "Oh." "Yeah" God I hate myself pt 2.

Hah, thank you! Yo, wait--are you implying the ER can bring back the dead? I should watch the news more. ㅋㅋㅋ Forreal though, I appreciate all the support. And y'know what they say, never say never... uh, nah, I think that's more lame--

[ ✉ → danah ] Well, just asking, you never know.

Audrey Hepburn is the definition of beauty. 

[ ✉ → danah ] Did you take drugs? Because… Wizard of Oz. Wow.

I think I'm going to re-download that album again, among other albums, because I sorta...wiped out my music folder tryna downgrade my laptop. All that data lost. (' closes eyes and pinches bridge of nose, rather dramatically before snorting, clearing his throat briefly.) Nice to meet ya, Danah. Ah, yes, the language of music is the best. Ain't no doubt about that. So, how's your day been?