#6.18.12

I dated a boy my junior year in high school and the following summer for three and a half months, but it felt like a lifetime. He showered me on my birthday, serenaded me on the guitar, took me to the prom, danced with me under the stars, kept me warm in the cold, paid for movie ticket stubs and empty ice cream bowls, and was my first real relationship, my first real love. And I wasn't the only one, he was admired and adored by everyone at our school for his smarts, generosity, and laughter. The last day of June, we broke up. It was mostly because of miscommunication, but we still cared about each other deeply, even if we never said or showed it. This past November, he was killed in a car crash coming home from our school's state football game. He was just under a month away from turning 18. 

No one close to me had ever died before. He was my first love, my first loss. 

Death is cruel. Death is hard. Death is unfair, unjustifiable. It can not be bargained with, or rationalized with. The hardest thing to accept, is that it simply "is". You will curl into a ball and sob. That is ok. Let yourself sob. But don't hide your tears under sunglasses though and bury the poison of grief under false strength. Unleash your tears as a tribute to the beauty of your cousin's life, not only for him, but most importantly for those who need to see those tears, to know that they are not alone, to have someone to cry with. It takes courage to show those tears without shame. It takes strength to show your weakness. You will wish it was you that went, not him, you will feel angry. You will have regrets. Peace will take time to come, it is still taking time to come to me. Moments phase in and out where I stare blankly and am engulfed by memories, regrets, and bitter thoughts. Be patient with yourself, and let them come. Work through them. And love those memories. Let him live on through those memories. Be comforted by those memories, hold them to your heart when you can't hold him but desperately want to. 

Every death is different, just as every life is different. However, I do know the pain of someone dying too young, in a way that "could have been prevented", someone kind, perfect, smart, giving, someone you loved. There will be days, weeks, months, years, lives, that will pass that you will feel overwhelmed by depression. But while this is real and permanent, and with love comes hurt, you can't let his life be replaced by simply an empty house, an empty heart, a cold gravestone and heartbroken tears. If he is to be transformed, and be with us through only memories, we must remember him well, and transform him into something beautiful. Let his life, his spirit, inspire you each and every day. My coach told me, "we already lost one life, let's not lose another." So live doubly well! Sing in the rain for him, go see the concert of his favorite band for him, go bowling for him! Do the things he loved to do but can't now, so that they still will be done! And when times get hard, remember the memories you shared, think of what he would have done, and be grateful for the moments that he did get to enjoy. As Dr. Seuss said, "don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." Ultimately, let your newfound understanding of the fragility of life not inhibit you, but enlighten you, to appreciate how precious each moment endowed to us truly is. 

In moments of darkness, positivity seems cruel and feels like it is mocking us. So you don't have to listen to all of that now. But maybe save some of these thoughts for later, for when you're ready. 

I've written a lot about my friend, and I'll finish with a few words that mean something to me and help me to cope. I would very sincerely love to hear from you back if you want to reminisce, discuss, or ask anything more. During grief, you will learn the power of connections between other people, and how necessary they are to get through things, so I know I didn't know him personally, but if you ever need someone to talk to, I hope our conversations can be a source of mutual consolation. I wish you and your family the very most of peace and comfort. 

"Help me remember, help me forget

But mostly help me never to quit. 

Quitting is easy when going gets tough

It's natural to stop when your heart’s had enough

But you’re up in a cloud, and i’m on the ground

Your mission’s complete and mine’s yet to be found.

Help this weary pilgrim, guide me green light

The ground thudded softly 

As my feet tore down the trail,

Tiny pebbles trembled 

And bounced into the air

With each passing footstep.

As I approached an upcoming curve

The bushes rustled

My eyes twitched 

And I eased to a reluctant cruise.

The bushes rattled

And I stopped. 

A snake peered his leafy head

Out from red 

Succulent 

Flowers, and he grinned and slithered his tongue 

And snickered. 

His eyes glinted green 

But it was not envy 

Nor hopeless ambition 

But hunger

Hunger not to consume me, 

No, something worse. 

Hunger to nick me at my heels 

And send searing pain up my body 

So I collapse to the ground

Sobbing empty sobs, unable to move. 

The snake crawled into the middle of the road

Leaving an indistinct trail of slime

That looked like a combination 

Of blood, tears, and medicinal salve.

He flicked his tail weakly, laughing,

Pryed a stubborn rock up from the ground, 

Raising it with his thin, heinous neck,

And darted into the boulder's protected shade.

The rock quivered in pain. 

Umm, a lot has happened these past two days that I just spent this entire day locked in my room to sort things out in my head. 

First, on Saturday there was work and then prom:

That day at work was all right. I managed to wing it despite having only one week to finish my final work here. 

Then the prom. Oh boy lmao. First I was invited to a friend's friend's house to pick up the limo. Although I knew some people there, it was pretty awkward on the ride crowded with 20 people who I didn't really know (legit lol). And then we had to bribe the stupid cheapass limo driver $100 just so that we could get to the prom place, what a joke. After taking some pictures, we arrived at the prom and wow, there were so many people who looked legit pretty/handsome. Like, I couldn't believe they were all my classmates, psht. Anyway, during dinner, my friend got her dress soiled by the stupid waiter. She got so upset, man, I felt really sorry for her, I mean she probably prepped for the prom as much as anyone else, and to have her dress ruined was like a huge slap in the face. But in the end, she picked herself up and to be honest with you, she was amazing to dance with xD In fact, it was amazing dancing with everyone, I know I got really tired from it, but it was well worth it. There were even people who I didn't even know could bust out a move dancing! It was a blast. I truly did enjoy it, and I did not regret buying a prom ticket at the last minute, even if I didn't have a date. 

After the prom I slept at my mom's apartment in times square. Now starting with Sunday:

There were people who were going to move in for the night at the apartment, so even despite the amazing time I had at the prom, I had to stick with picking toenails off the rugs and cleaning the hugeass apartment for almost 6 hours straight the next day =_=. 

After that, I had a PS6 reunion at my elementary school that afternoon. Oh boy. Here comes a rant:

"I'm in for LePeilbet, right?"

"I dunno."

"I'm in for LePeilbet?"