#6.15.21

6 = 1 + 5 * (2 - 1)

Also:

6 = 1 + 5 = (2 + 1)!

Also:

OMFG TY FOR 1k 😫😫

I’m finally done with school! Mann what a crazy term it has been. This has by far been the most difficult semester of my life; work, friend moving, allergies, illness due to the vaccine, depression, and the retrograde made it difficult. Not to mention all of the astral hi-jinx that I’ve been up to at the same time.

It’s over; but something else has been happening. About a week and a half ago, right as finals were coming to a close, I felt a major shift coming on very suddenly.

Once I began down my Path, my everyday mindfulness grew as I started meditating. Even if I would only meditate occasionally, my mindfulness was there throughout the day, for the most part. That is another part of the long-term effects of meditation; this daily mindfulness is where the benefits come from.

Anyways, for whatever reason, the past like month or so, my mindfulness has increased dramatically. At first my anxiety spiked because of it - being aware of the discomfort that I would feel, etc. But now... I just. I don’t really know how to put it into words. I am extremely mindful - more than I’ve ever been. And I’m not really sure why. I haven’t been meditating - I haven’t had the time with everything going on. And yet... here I am.

The other thing that has happened is a dramatic shift in my energy, as well as my view. Over the course of like... 4 days, I suddenly found myself feeling like I was in a COMPLETELY different place. Like... my world that I was in, my desires and habits, and the energy around me - completely shifted.

I also have found myself suddenly completely engulfed in Buddhist thought. That is the other big thing. Buddhism primarily deals with suffering, and its’ sources. There is a lot to talk about with this, but in a major nutshell, there are three major sources of suffering: Outright Suffering (pain, illness, etc), All-Pervasive Suffering (like existential suffering), and Suffering caused by Change.

There is also something called the Eight Worldly Concerns - things that cause us suffering. They come in pairs, and are as follows:

Hope for pleasure/Fear of Pain

Hope for praise/Fear of Blame

Hope for gain/Fear of loss

Hope for fame/Fear of insignificance

For whatever reason, these have finally “clicked” with me. Due to my increased mindfulness, I’ve been astounded to find just how much of this I do. For example, I find discomfort in myself - whether it be due to stress, tiredness, anxiety, or even just a general feeling of malaise - and I’m averse to it. Just like the worldly concern; and I do SO MUCH to try and get rid of this discomfort... whether it be trying to address it itself, or through escapism through like TV or video games, or even seeking out pleasure to cover it up - none of which really work, temporary fixes that leave me grasping more than before, instead of just accepting and sitting with the feeling.

This is just one example; but it’s been soo interesting seeing all of this about myself, seeing this suffering, and understanding the source of it. But I’ve also been seeing it everywhere around me as well; it underlies pretty much everything in this world. It doesn’t help that (at least here in the West) our capitalist society lends to and even takes advantage of some of these sources and ideals, making it the standard to consume, buy things, have a high-status with money, etc.

This has caused some change in me and my behavior for sure. After all - I’m becoming aware of the sources of my own suffering; it would be kind of silly of me if I continued to do things that I knew caused me suffering. I’ve been feeling a very strong desire for change - at a soul level.

I’ve been getting rid of things that are excess that I don’t need; I happen to be moving to a new apartment in a few weeks, which is providing me the perfect opportunity to do this. My hobbies have completely changed. I no longer want to participate in hobbies that are more a means of pleasure-seeking and escapism. There are a bunch, but the most notable one that I’m purging is video games. I actually found myself laughing; when it comes to like competitive online games, I am literally coping with suffering by escaping into something that causes more direct suffering xD

I also have been really feeling the need to like... withdraw,,, from society a bit. Spend more time by myself, meditating, pursuing my Path. This is why I went and cleaned up my Tumblr dash earlier - there were lots of inactive blogs that I followed it turns out, but for the most part it was because I wanted to change the content of my dash. I’m tired of mindlessly scrolling and consuming; I got rid of my Instagram for the same reasons. So you can expect to see more spiritual and personal stuff on my dash now ((:

If I’m being honest, this definitely blind-sided me. When I was thinking of this summer and how it was going to go, I definitely never could’ve imagined that this is the direction that my Path was going to take. But I’m grateful. My understanding has increased immensely, and the changes that I’ve been making have resonated with me on the deepest level; so I know that I’m doing the right thing. I already feel much lighter than I did two weeks ago.

Anyways, sorry for the long post! But I wanted to share the most recent development of my Path, as well as my thoughts and observations on things. There will be more to follow, certainly.

That’s it for now. I hope that everyone has a wonderful evening!