#575th

Sigh....

It’s 23rd January 2020, which is.... Lunar New Year’s Eve today? I think tomorrow is the first day of a new lunar year, a year of rat. 

And I am so depressed lol 

Just because of the crude words Bro said when I asked for his insights regarding the job in Admicro. I think I already felt down because sis Quynh told me about the limited salary. Then my colleague, Phuong, with her high-pitched voice, annoyed me with that I-know-all attitude. 

All of these added together, caused me tremendous turn of emotion. I was very positive and all I think. And now I have shifted to the opposite side. Life is doomed. I feel worthless and nothing means anything LOL

But anyway, I cried out a lot as a way to articulate this hidden sadness. I never knew that I am so good at crying lol better than being void and numb and in turn, being unable to feel what need be felt when it need be felt. 

Maybe, I have come a long long way, going around a great big circle just to be able to cry out when I feel sad, instead of staying numb and sleeping all day long to try holding onto some abstract dreams in which Life seems much more miraculous and pain-free. 

I have gone a long way separating from my family, running away from them just to be able to come back and cry out whenever feeling hurt by them. It’s like, rather than hiding, I emerged more strongly to face them and ‘feel’ the pain. No longer do I ‘numb’ the pain, I have finally been brave enough to feel it.

And it isn’t too bad. Crying is relieving :)

I don’t think (I hope! LOL) I am holding in negativity and projecting it or intensifying it like what happened 5-6 years ago. I think (and of course I dearly hope! LOL) the negativity I’ve received is released all out through my tears and emotional outburst. Like, I am not alone dealing with it. Nor would I isolate myself from it. At least I kinda sought help from friends, saying something to Kim or Jenny, or ranting to Anne Wil and Chuong. But I understand the emotional gabbage I threw at them was quite... gloomy. Certain things should be left unspoken. I should have just put all my lethargic thoughts down on my diaries, or leaving them here.

Anyway, it’s the same old thing about how ‘others’ define ‘success’ and ‘happiness’ for me, how family define me, how I failed living up to all those definitions and ended up losing my mind over them. With what I experienced, with my big degrees and all I should have earned this or that. At the same time is the low self-esteem they prescribed to me LOL like this family is so ridiculous, one thing they said ‘with your degrees and stuffs, it’s so easy to earn 20 mil per month! Look at A or B, my friends’ daughters/sons, (s)he studied abroad and came back working in X or Y and now she earned Z’ and the other thing they said is ‘Oh don’t expect to get in D or C it’s very tough and only hires best of best people you know. This is the only job you could get, so accept it and settle down.’

Okay I already said to myself 20 YEARS AGO at least but I kept forgetting and being succumbed to it but NOW and FROM NOW ON, I SHALL SAY IT AGAIN AND ALWAYS UPHOLD IT NO MATTER WHAT

-Never trust anyone but yourself! Never believe in others saying.

-Including family?

-Hah! ESPECIALLY them.

Chuong told me to filter out what is not good for me. Don’t project the negativity of the world. It cost me greatest things and it cost me MYSELF to be able to figure this. 

I WILL FILTER OUT WHATEVER MY FAMILY EVER SAY TO ME. 

I WILL NOT BELIEVE IN THEM NO MATTER WHAT. 

Because I believe in myself. And I know that I know me better than my family. 

HAPPY LUNAR NEW YEAR, YEAR OF RAT! 

I may be alone in Vietnam, but I am not lonely if I’ve finally found myself.