#50815

Xユーザーのシャポコ🌵さん

So... I just had a panic attack. How great, right? Right now is the moment I sit back and avaluate why it happened and what made me feel so anxious. The answer is simple, now: everything. I was having dinner with my dad and then we went for a walk and the subject were talking about made me anxious, we were talking about me. Also, there were a lot of people on there, which also added more anxiety on top of me. The fact that my dad was making me go to a place i didnt want to go didn't help. And finnally we started discusing about how i never do anything for anyone. The thing is they, as in 99% of the people I know, don't understand that the smallest things are a challenge. Going out and having that meal with my dad was something I did for him, if it was down to me I'd stay home because that is the only place I feel safe and not judged. Since i can remember I was always like this insecure, nervous and sad which later I'd find out that I'm in fact anxious, depressed and with a very low self esteem (this as my therapist says). Things were never beautiful for me I was never truly happy, there is always something missing, in fact I think there will always be. I just wish I hadn't say anything to anybody, although it was almost impossible when the panic attacks started, is just that is so much easier to fake a smile and get those strange looks then it is to get the judgemental looks. Yes, I was alone before but now I talked to people and they just think I'm making a drama out of everything. Don't they know that I'd LOVE to be like them? I'd love to be able to a café without being paranoid that everywhere is judging me. I'd love to go to a music festival without feeling missplaced. I'd love to just go a start a conversation with someone. I'd love to be spontanious, not have to thing and think and think again about one stupid thing. I'd give EVERYTHING to be like that.