#5.4.22

https://discord.gg/uXMjUK5fgp

i feel like a fucking fool over the whole thing and i acted completely out of character. i said horrible things about someone who has never wronged me right in front of them. i attacked someone down already down on their luck. i can apologize a million times over, but that just wasn't me.

and i know part of it was me. the michael thing keeps me fucked up and having a reminder that close was something i wasn't ready for. i'm still not, and that's not her fault, but watching hayden beg me to calm down and leave her be kind of showed me there wasn't much choice.

and thats the other part, the main part. hayden. my brother. my voice. i know he struggles since caity, i've been there with him even when he didn't want me to be, but it terrifies me how far he goes. as selfish as it is, i don't want to find him how he found me. i need him to get clean and that's my main focus in all of this.

for once, though, there's something happy to put in here. freya. i feel kind of dumb when i realize that she's had this thing for me the whole time, but i just don't think i was ready. i don't even know if i am now, but... it feels nice to have. it feels nice to know that this person cares about me and is willing to be patient with me. this person has never judged me. and, you know, i was fully honest and i really think freya is the only one that doesn't talk to me like she expects me to jump off a bridge at any moment.