#4ehf

I surprised you with an afternoon of smashing things. A rage room. Getting out your aggressions in a primal way, releasing your anger you’ve had pent up for days, months, years now. 

Upon our return our endorphins are boiling over and I can tell you want me, need to be inside me, ravishing me. But no, it is my turn. I am going to take charge now. NO more Dom, No more sub. That is not who we are for each other. You have that with another. We are each others release. Pure, honest, open, no expectations of tomorrow. Just right now. And right now, I am going to push you on the bed, make you remove your clothes, suck your cock like its mine and you will cum when I demand. I will practice my hand job skills on you. I will practice my blowjob skills on you and then I will let you cum, for you. Not for my pleasure. But for yours. It is time someone pleases you. No more, “but I get pleasure from pleasing you.” no, it is my turn to please. Although I am well aware you’re letting me. And I know this is just a fantasy expectation.

The first step is to realize your heart is a muscle that is so much stronger than you will ever know. It wants to keep going.

So let it.

Let it grieve, let it feel, let it forgive, let it heal.

And let it love and be loved.

On one hand, I want him. I crave him and need to feel his desire for me. Simply put, I enjoy sex with him. I love the tease, the chase, the knowing giggles, we are flirting with disaster but it feels so good. I know it means risking the friendship. Does he? Probably, he isn’t a stupid man. But we started out fucking, it came natural. We connected instantly with our words. Meeting of the minds. He awakened me. I have told him this time and time again, he doesn’t understand to what extent. But he knows he holds that control over me. To keep me alive. On my knees begging for more, like a rabid dog hungry for any scrap thrown my way or any one that crosses her path. But I don’t want anyone, I want him. Do I?

On the other hand. Our friendship is True. Honest. Real. Something that we both cherish and need. I know in my heart, you need me. My “stunning honesty”.

Friend or Foe. I support you, lift you up, cradle you when you fall. Will you be that for me? It is a question only time will tell. Sex is what clouds, blurs the boundaries neither of us have with each other. But it is also how I remain in control. Or am I giving up control? Blurred lines.

I know which one I need to choose.

He needs the escape from her, from work, from his children, from everyone that needs something from him, ...from me. He doesn’t have to be something to her, she bends to his every whim. He can sit, relax, breath, turn off, enjoy silence within the walls and inside his head and completely “check out” from all responsibilities.

But opened another.

To enter a room of honesty.

Peeled back each layer.

To reach your core.

Our eyes spoke of honesty.

I held my breath but now I can breathe.

Overcame my fears.

Gathered my internal strength.

Found the release I needed.

What now?

I’m going to take a step back and watch this all play out.

I hope this time it is without

Anxiety

Fear

Guilt

Jealousy

Hope

But with

Love - love for honesty

Love - love for humility

Love - love for myself

Love - love for strength

Love - love for respect

Unconditional, unadulterated and true to who we are.