On The Rocks - 32
Master list Part 31
Words: 4820 ( 2000 are from the last 4 hours the rest took a year)
All mistakes are my own -- enjoy at your own risk.
Being in someone else's apartment that didn't smell like a florist - is refreshing. It is also great for the mind as the people around me help keep it clear. The room may be a little tense as we crowd the TV waiting for the Leafs to take the ice for Game 5 back in Washington but it wasn't a bad feeling.
I sat in the corner of the white sectional and Stephanie sat on my left, separating me from the rest of the apartment full of the Leafs WAGS. Everyone had a margarita in hand but I had a water bottle tucked between me and the cushions. Since stepping into the apartment Sydney has been very accommodating making sure I had the most comfortable spot on the couch.
I also noticed how the assortment of soft-er finger food is set much closer to me than anyone else.
If you told me this morning that I would be sitting in a crowded room, I probably would have done my best impression of an angry dog. My time has been equally split between sleeping on the couch peacefully and laying in bed trying to sleep. It seems that anytime I want to be awake I'm asleep and when I want to sleep I am stuck awake staring at my ceiling.
The cycle of nightmares once alone in my room was starting to show as I became more and more sensitive to my surroundings and not in the fun superhero way. I found that light was too bright, loud sounds easily startle me from the number of nightmares that plagued my mind.
So, Yes. I was grumpy as Stephanie would warn people as they walked into the apartment and all I could do was give her my best-unimpressed look from the cocoon of blankets on the couch - the only place I can find some decent sleep.
The apartment had started to smell like a florist shop with the number of flowers that were delivered with notes from different Leaf players. The gesture was great for the first two bouquets but the tenth just started making us sneeze.
Stephanie had to take control of the flower situation at that point as the sneezing was pulling on my stitches. One by one the bouquets were re-homed out to the balcony and Mitch had sent a team-wide alert to stop the flowers.
###
The morning was like all the other mornings since I got home - full of nothing much other than my dad or Dr. Lambardi / Dr. Z hovering over me as they examine the progression of my recovery. It's annoying but I know it's for my health but it's just a little much. They are here every morning at 8 am sharp before they head to their practices and actual patients.
Dr. Z is here more for my mental health than my physical health as he has been my psychiatrist and a major part of my support system over the last few years. I've been able to bring up some of the anxieties I've had over the last couple of weeks as they're existing problems he's worked to get out of me.
The nightmares...
I haven't been able to talk about it due to a couple of reasons both physically and emotionally. I'm still not allowed to talk at all to protect my healing throat and writing them down would make them more real.
My dad has been making this bad habit of looming behind the doctors and making this face of pure pity that got deeper under my skin every day. I know he saw me as the broken 15-year girl I was not the 20-year old I am.
When the doctors left and my dad didn't see them out like he usually does. I knew I wasn't gonna like what he was gonna say. He shut the door and hesitated before turning to face me.
"I think it would be best if you went to stay with your Nonna," My dad said looking firm in his suggestion. My eyes bulged as the words left his mouth and instantly my hackles were up.
"No" I stated firmly my voice raspy and pitchy. Jolting out of my bed to turn my back to him not wanting to face him as I went into my bathroom for water as my throat flared with discomfort. 'I'm not running away this time,' I thought aggressively filling a cup of water and throwing it back as I watch my dad carefully through the reflection of the mirror.
"It would be good for you. Getaway from all this 'stress'," My dad said from the spot he stood in my room fidgeting as he is uncomfortable himself in this suddenly heated discussion.
"I'm not going," I said turning to face him. So, he could see just how much I mean it.
"BUT AMELIA," My dads' voice jumped in volume his patience runs out. "You're not doing well here," His tone and volume came down and sounds more defeated than his initial fury.
"It worked last time," He tacked on more to himself than me as he took a seat a the foot of my bed. I frowned and turned to the mirror and gave myself a look and pushed the thoughts of 'last time' out of my head.
Exiting the bathroom with a sigh, I stand in front of my dad with a serious look.
"Last time was exactly that. The last time. I can take care of myself and running away every time I get like this isn't good for me. I also want to support my friends and that's kinda hard if I'm on the other side of the world," I motion to myself at the 'like this' My voice came out as a whisper.
"Clearly you can't and you know there have to be rules about fraternizing with the players? You could lose your whole career," My dad said standing up to his towering height, his face a deep shade of red. "You need-" Ramping back upon his point.
"I need you to leave," my voice weak with emotion as his words land like a physical hit.
"To go to your nonna." He powered through with sad eyes but very firm in his stance shoulders tensed to his ears and arms stock straight ending in fists frustration clear as day.
"THERE ARE NO BUTS! I'm NOT BROKEN AND I'm not GOING TO BREAK. So please-" my voice breaking as a sob catches in my throat. "get out," I whispered unable to get my voice up.
"Just think about it," he said as he stocked out of the room.
Tears had streamed down my face as a frustrating headache set behind my eyes and my throat throbbed as more sobs broke the surface.
###
I was sat up against my headboard, my head leaned back with my brain whirling behind my closed eyes imagine all the way my life will go wrong next. Sort of not trying to sleep, if it happened it happened kinda deal. A knock on my open door about 30 minutes later didn't even startle me. Tilting my head like a dead weight to the side expecting my dad and ready to level him with a glare.
I was shocked when Stephanie walked in.
"Put those daggers away. I'm not the coddle squad," She rolled her eyes as she used the phrase Mitch has coined when he was here a couple of mornings ago and witnessed the level of coddling my dad was doing. "We - as in you and I are going to get out this apartment," Stephanie stated as she started pulling the blankets off of my legs.
"Where?" My voice sounded pathetic with defeat but with no objection to something other than this.
"Lexi's salon then the spa with Lexi," Stephanie has a big grin on her face "and then we're going to Syds to watch the game," She had a weird knowing look on her face but I didn't have the time to ask before she was running out of the room with a shout to get ready.
Her energy was just cautious enough to help me get up and get ready with a better ability to breathe.
###
The rest of my day was a montage of pure bliss and relaxation. Stephanie and I ubered to the salon that Lexi worked at, we were met with mimosas in which I downed before Stephanie could ask if I was allowed to drink yet. I was not ready for the burn of alcohol or the acid in orange juice but the small buzz of the champagne was quick to smooth some of my frayed nerves.
Stephanie got a trim, tone, and style but I opted for a simpler deep condition, trim, and style. The washing part has always been my favorite part of a haircut. Lexi's fingers were magical as they worked the shampoo and deep condition treatment into my scalp. It was so relaxing that I almost fell asleep, but Lexi chatting keep me alert as I responded with nodes or hmms still.
As Lexi worked away at carefully trimming my hair aware of my careful glaze as when she asked how much I wanted off, I told her: "Just enough to rid the split ends." She laughed but also said that I could pull off a blunt bob if I felt adventurous, but I was quick to shake my head in disagreement.
Long hair has always been my thing.
Throughout the day, a pressure that set in my chest after my argument with my dad started to ease but he was still too fucking right. The couple of mimosae that I was able to get down helped and left me warm and smiley. Lexi is amazing at what she does as the only difference I could spot in my hair was that it looks healthier but not shorter and styled in simple yet gorgeous waves.
Ubering to the spa in north Toronto from the south took about 30 minutes with traffic and my head landed on Stephanie's shoulder for a power nap that made the time flash by.
In the spa, we were ushered into a dim-lit room with comfortable-looking couches and lockers to put out things. A tall lady with her blonde locks pulled into a tight low bun and kind smile instructed us to change into plush white robes and matching slippers and wait on the couches.
We only had to wait about 15 minutes before 3 people enter the room and led us to our treatments.
We all got Facials (which I fell asleep during), also manicures and pedicures during the facials. Lexi and Steph got a kick out of the fact that I fell asleep during the facials because they had said something to me but my facialist had to tell them that I was asleep.
It was about 4 pm before we parted ways to go get ready to meet at Sydney's place to watch the game.
###
The series is tied 2-2 no one was on the brink yet but there was a fear in the air and there was even more exciting. Especially from the WAGS of players that have been around a while and were just happy their man is in the playoffs.
Molly Bozak was circling the room with margaritas what seems like every 10 minutes before eventually plopping down beside Steph who she handed one-off. Stephanie just placed an empty glass done to accept drink number 2 with grabby hands and a cheer.
"Playoffs are gonna kill me," Molly said into her trusty margarita, and every head that heard nodded in agreement. "So, Amelia," Her attention shifted to me suddenly "How long have you and Auston-"
"Oh no! we aren't," My voice came out hoarse and squeaky but tone clear any humor. My face suddenly flares in a deeply embarrassing blush. The blonde beside me doubles over in laughter at my expense. Molly stares at us with wide confused eyes. Also, the entire room had shifted its focus to us.
We aren't at the moment my last 'good game' text was left on read without any response in any format. It's fairer to assume that he's just way too busy with hockey and all the travel but there's just something off about this drop in communication. Especially if I did 'throw myself towards' him as Steph implied. My phone sat in my lap with just candy crush notifications and the weight of my dad's bomb this morning.
"Sorry but It's just that you guys looked cozy at the club. My bad," sounding a touch apologetic with a sad smile. Stephanie however was in fits between us unaware of my layered embarrassment. Her laugh had Jax jumping on her thinking her hysteric laughing was crying.
"Jax," She gasped between her giggles as the large dog started licking at her face and barking too. He only stopped when Steph started scratching behind his ears and muttering that she was okay in her puppy voice.
Jax being Sydney and Matts's large rottweiler that looks scary but is a total softy 'just like his dad' Sydney had said with fake misty eyes when I first walked in and met the pup. Jax had taken a liking to me because everywhere I had been tonight he has been sitting at my feet or before everyone showed up and we needed the space on the couch.
A dog just knows as Stephanie soothed him with words Jax relaxed into my legs.
###
As the game started everyone settled into their spot on the couches around Syd's living room, one looking like it was pulled from another room to accommodate the extra bodies expected. The chatter doesn't stop entirely as some take to making commentary of the game playing on the tv as others continued quiet conversations.
My attention is completely taken by the game. Connor Brown and Leo Komarov have an almost instant breakaway from puck drop but Holtby is quicker. Madison (Connor's girlfriend) and Juulia (Leos wife) are nearly leaping from their seats before cursing at the tv/goalie.
As the game continues, the grip on everyone's glasses turns white knuckle with anxiety. Especially with moments like; Ovechkin flattening Jake with a clean hard hit that had Lucy hiding behind Molly as if she's watching a scary movie or when Freddie make a glorious glove save on a shot that looks like it was going in and the room erupted with cheers for the cherish goalie.
Washington opens the scoring with just 2 minutes left in the first on a power-play from Kadri's nasty Knee on Knee with Ovechkin that sent the latter to the dressing room because the period was so close to being over Molly and Steph were in the kitchen to refresh their drinks. They come running back into the room to watch the replay and swear as the puck gets past Fred.
With intermission, everyone gets up moves around the apartment and the spirits start to come back up as everyone indulges in more finger foods and alcoholic beverages. I stay seated in my spot in the corner of the sectional as Steph does shots of what looks like tequila complete with salt and lime, she throws back the show and instantly looks like she regrets it as her face and shoulders scrunch up.
"Tequila sounds like a good idea until it's in your mouth," Sydney groans as she takes a seat on the couch and leans against my shoulder in mock despair. "Among other things," I mutter lowly for only for Syd's ears but as fate would have it. Syd isn't the only one to hear it as the volume in the room had dropped at the perfect time for everyone to hear. I got a lot of nods of agreement and a lot more laughter. I sink in my spot slightly as a blush blooms across my face.
"Who wants another Marg?" Molly asks popping her head back into the living room grabbing the room's attention. Her eyebrows wag as she scans the intoxicated crowd. I raise my hand and the room fell into whoops and cheers as every toasted to me 'coming out of my shell,' even Steph tips her glass my way in favor of my chilling out even further but a look in her shows she's watching out for me.
"The best Marg you've ever had coming up," Molly beams loudly over the commotion as Syd whoops from best me and pats my shoulder.
###
I slept through most of the second period after discovering that Molly Bozak makes not only the tastiest marg but also the strongest in Toronto. It seems I didn't miss much of anything as the score is still in favor of the caps. There are a few more empty glasses on the table.
The fact I slept without problem doesn't go unnoticed by Steph when the first sight I am greeted with is her slightly concerned brows and trying to discreet mouth ' r u ok?'. Nodding I take inventory of my aches and none more than usual respond as I test each limp as I get up to pee.
The reason I woke up.
Stretching carefully with a yawn I tip in the direction of Syd to figure out where her washroom was again. The level of alcohol consumed the last time I was here whipping my memory clean of where to go. "Ugh..wheres-ugh your washroom?' I yawned at Sydney with a sobering blink. Now standing the molly marg sparkle shines through as my hand lands on the arm of the couch beside her slighting having overbalanced myself.
"Why don't we both go?" Pitying her way under my arm we waltz lazily in direction of hopefully a toilet. Taking advantage of the free labor I lean my weight a lot more than necessary onto her shoulders under my arm.
"Here we are," She pushed open a door to a possibly familiar bathroom? The toilet looks familiar. The reason I'm here! I don't even wait to figure out what Syd was planning on her before pulling my joggers down and peeing.
"Molly makes a really good margarita," Feeling oddly comfortable for peeing in front of someone I barely know but do not want it to be silent in the hope to starve off even more possible awkwardness. Sydney is leaning over the stink to get a closer look at the bun she's trying to do up.
"We all learned the hard way. She looks so innocent but will manage to put you in near liver failure with 1 drink," She grins largely into the mirror be keeps her eyes adverted trying to give me some privacy.
It's when I'm washing my hands and turning towards the towel rack. Sydney turns her full attention on me with a towel already in hand to take mine and start to dry them for me. Her expression is much more serious than seconds earlier.
"I'm don't me to ambush you in any way and you don't have to answer this but are you okay?" Her grip on my hands over the towel tighten in a reassuring sense. Almost as a cushion to catch me with in a way. "Matt told me about your hands being and my intent right now wasn't to bring it up but I noticed 'it' too as you were washing your hands," Sydney continues her motion to dry my hands but the towels keep them covered. 'it' referring to my still yellow knuckles that are mostly healed by now.
"Those are in a way a part of me that's not okay right now but I am okay enough? Like, I will feel better but it just sucks right now?" My statements end in question marks for my unknown wellness. To be the utmost truthful I am not okay but like I just truth vomited - I'm okay enough? I pause to digest the words and thoughts reeling. Somehow I'm not spiraling? maybe just not yet? or growth...?
"I-I like him too? and my dad brought up a reall-" Breaking off from a hiccup of lack of breath trying to speak with no air coming in. The spirally starts with each truth slipped from my physical control. My breathing spike and the grip on my hands cushion me back from a total breakdown but it doesn't catch the tear that leaks out.
Taking a steadying breath I retry my thought. -"He made a really good this morning. I don't know if I'm madder that he said it or that he has to right?" My voice was a little stronger but still weak and raspy. To her credit, Sydney doesn't appear to be completely lost despite the contextless anger.
"What exactly did your dad say? I won't lie that Steph did say she heard you guys arguing this morning and wasn't a hundred percent clear on what," Her tone hinting at something. Hinting she might not be lost at all. "Through the grapevine - for your care, we swear-" Interrupting herself to clarify "- Something probably about going to your nonnas asap but she lives in Italy. You don't want to abandon Auston through his first play-off run. Then your dad said you can't be together 'cause unfortunate career logistics," Her accuracy should be more infuriating as boom I'm laid bare between us.
I'm relieved "Because yeah," That encapsulates the forefront of problems. Sydney still managing to be holding my hands through it all pulls them and me in for quite the weirdly angled hug but It's pretty great regardless of my hand being trapped between us. "He also R-Bomb me and I have heard from him since I threw myself at him," I thought in as if this Tibet of information is casual as small talk. Syd at least has the decency to foreign surprise as she pulled away from the hug.
"Yes, you're right in thinking that hockey is the answer but you too have quite a bit going on," She waves in the general direction my not as feeble body before going on "He might be giving you space because he doesn't know where he fits at the moment?" She smiles and pulls me in a tight propper hug.
"Either direction you go it's the right one," A tight squeeze, and then she's pulling me back into the living room which feels a lot like stepping back into real life. Steph is watching the doorway as we walk back in. Her eyes catch Sydney first and a clear wordless conversation is had. Slightly implying that the intent was an ambush.
Crawling back into my spot on the couch my emotions are in a blender but not consuming which is great. Any residual tension leaks away when Jax crawls into the inches of space between Steph and me. The tightness in my chest reminds me no matter the distraction in front of me.
######
Watching the 3rd-period playout wasn't tragic the entire time but as soon as Washington scores the second sure is to be winning goal. The spirit visibly was washed off the Leafs bench and leaving shells of players in return. The game wasn't even over and they were limping off the ice still fighting but unable to dig deep enough to score.
When the final buzzer went the bubble in the room popped and Sydney slipped the channel before the camera could pan down the Leafs bench but not fast enough to save me from the heart-torn look on Mitch and Auston's faces huddling each other down the tunnel.
The number of ladies in the room diminishes fast but in a polite manner and every pitching together to clean up the mess of a now pity party. The long-term leaf WAGs are sort of lean-to each subconsciously which is quite neat to see the bonds tied by hockey. Its an hour or two before we leave.
"Ready?" Steph bums her hip into mine gaining my attention from drying the last dish that I force Syd to let me dry for her. My own hands had held me captive as they remind me of the conversation with Sydney and all the negative emotions harboring in my chest embarrassment wasn't one.
That one is growth.
Setting the crystal dish in the general area of the rest of the thing dried by multiply volunteers who also had no idea where to put it left it on the counter. Grabbing the tubberware of leftover food Steph prepared for the 'household' and grabbed all my belongings. Sliding the coat on and bag over my shoulder I had of the food to Steph when she was ready.
Turning to Sydney with Steph to say goodbye I'm ambush grouped hugged by the blonde duo.
Sydney tacks on "Either is right but do what makes you happy heart," Tapping my chest in the area of my heart. Her tone was much more slurred with added shots and cocktails since their last conversation.
Stephanie pulls aways with my arm in hers towing me out the door stating the uber is here and has been here. "Thank you !" I rush out as a grinning Syd waves us away through the door.
##
There's an unspoken agreement in the air of the uber for a conversation when we're out of it. Stephanie's shoulders are tensed and straight especially with the amount of tequila that's in her small frame.
"It's okay that you told Sydney," In principal maybe not but for me it was okay. "I mean in some ways not its not because what happens in my apartment I do like to keep it there," I don't let her get away that easy. "But you're looking out for me. Thank you,"
Her shoulder relaxes but she doesn't say anything probably because she falls asleep having not had a period-long nap. Unlike me who feels wired with restless energy. My leg threatens to start bouncing as I instead focus on the passing surrounds of light up downtown Toronto to get to my west side apartment.
It's no time until I'm nudging her awake and ushering them into the building's elevator and pushing our floor. Balancing her and out leftovers. When I get the door to our apartment fully open Steph appears a little more awake as she stumbles lazily through the door as the comfort of being home washed over them both.
"Goodnight," I muttered tucking the leftovers into the fridge and grabbing some water. "I think that young guys could be good together. He's less locked upon himself with you," Stephanie sounds a whole lot more awake than she appeared literal seconds ago.
"Though like what Syd said tonight; What you chose is the right decision but please be kind to yourself," There is a hint of begging in her tome and face.
"It's not my job to unlock his emotions," My tone comes off nagging and ends the topic fast as one two many of the same buttons have been touched tonight. "I just need to think or not think fuck I don't know," Dropping the waters on the coffee table I drop my ass on the couch a touch too hard and the tug on my middle was enough to freeze me up and pause my tantrum.
"I can't do mind game especially now," I signed defeated blowing a deep breath at the ceiling. "I don't want to lose my job or my career. My professional reputation could be on the line at any time. I can but also I don't want to run away. Plus it wasn't even just him on why I wanted to stay. When I said 'friends' this morning it was plural I E meaning you too," Suddenly my whole face flames as the vulnerability of the day caught up with me.
"I love you too," Steph lays a fat one on my fort head with a giggle enjoying the embarrassment I bath in. "I'm going to bed now," She misses the first attempt at a love tap on my cheek before landing a soft one on my head as she ascends to the stairs.
I don't even attempt to move from the couch. The front hallway light is perfect enough of comfort for me to snuggle in with the now permanent collection of blankets that take up a lot of my overside sectional. Sleep however feels unneeded as the restlessness from the care lingers with too much said and not enough at the same time.
Not enough said to someone.
Breaking some of the cacoons I was subconsciously burrowing in I tap around for my phone that was tossed with the waters mindlessly.
'There's a lot of hockey left, xo' Sent 1:30 am
Read at 2:05 am
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